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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really seriously missed off with male nursery worker

110 replies

insancerre · 10/05/2018 07:40

New male colleague refused to change a child's knickers as she is a girl and he is a male

After all these years of sticking up for men in early years and defending them against parents and their prejudices, it feels like I've stepped back in time

I was cooking ounces and had to stop what I was doing and do it because I'm a woman.
Environmental health would have a field day if they saw that

And I'm bloody annoyed with the manager who let him get away with it
AIBU to be pissed off?

Before any one asks, yes he has a DBS and safeguarding training and our nursery is open plan so he would have been in view of other staff members

OP posts:
Pikehau · 10/05/2018 10:28

I Think yabu there are plenty of posts here that a man has helped a girl and the thread explodes. He probably just wanted to avoid little daisy telling her mum / Dad that joe put her princess pants on and they take it the wrong way.

It is weird though how perceptions change...

A friend of mine was over to enjoy sun and paddling pool with her dcs for a play date and commented that our garden was not overlooked and very secluded unlike hers and in full view of all her peodiphile neighbours so little pixie can’t lift her skirt up or twirl with a skirt and play in her garden ..... I was Hmm

It’s like it’s embedded that a girl can’t be seen by a man. Funnily enough she didn’t mind her son running about starkers infron of “all these neighbours”

My dd and ds have had male carers at nursery and loved them.

nursy1 · 10/05/2018 10:30

Healthcare workers have similar safeguards
In that males ask for chaperones when performing intimate exams as some have mentioned.
However years ago when I was still working the wards there were issues around nurses of opposite gender catheterising patients. Eg; it was “preferred” that male nurses catheterise male patients and not female ones. It was practical difficulties around staffing that often made this an issue
Not sure how this has resolved itself now.

user1467662525 · 10/05/2018 10:39

You were cooking ‘ounces’...what are they??

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/05/2018 10:42

User
I was wondering that too. Can’t be crack. This is a nursery setting.

nokidshere · 10/05/2018 10:43

When a male consultant needs to see do an internal examination on a woman, they ask for a chaperone.

I am always asked if I would like a chaperone for an examination even if the HCP is female. And I always say no even if the HCP is male.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 10/05/2018 10:44

I agree that it's ridiculous.
But considering the regular sexist threads like this
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3243432-Would-you-employ-a-Manny
I am not surprised at all

strawberrypenguin · 10/05/2018 10:49

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. If he's doing the job he should do the whole job.

Do female staff get to refuse to change boys nappies?

If he was a child abuser he could abuse boys as much as girls anyway. Same as a female member of staff could.

If he's deemed fit to look after children then that means he can do nappy changes too

BakedBeans47 · 10/05/2018 10:49

YABU

not exactly a big inconvenience, is it? It is part of your job.

And yes I know it’s part of his job too. However as others have said there are some ridiculous attitudes by some parents to men in childcare and so not surprising he felt concerned.

Take it up with your manager if it’s a problem.

GummyGoddess · 10/05/2018 10:54

YANBU, surely that is part of his job description? I don't get to go to work and choose not to do an aspect of my job. DC1 has a male nursery worker and it hadn't even occurred to me that he wouldn't be doing nappy changes.

Surely he only gets to opt out of that part of the job if a specific childs parents have said they don't want him to do it?

Carouselfish · 10/05/2018 11:52

By refusing, he is not only reinforcing the attitude that there's something wrong with it, but he is placing himself under suspicion because if he FEELS there is something wrong with it himself then he isn't looking at children in the right way.
Really, he should have just got on with his job and done it, asking for a chaperone if he was worried about other people's unpleasant assumptions.
A paedophile is as likely to be interested in boys, so it would imply he isn't merely protecting himself but would feel uncomfortable dealing with little girls - his attitude is off for someone in the profession. Imagine if a male doctor refused to examine a female patient! They wouldn't, they'd ask for a chaperone, because they know it is just a body in that context, nothing sexualised. In THIS context, it's just a body AND just a child, so feeling uncomfortable is doubly incorrect.

okdok · 10/05/2018 12:04

I don't think he should be able to ask for a chaperone. Nappy changing is something that nursery workers have to do many times a day. You can't be expected to run a nursery like that - you need the other staff to stay with the other children.

Original poster
insancerre · 10/05/2018 13:11

Ounces was lunches
Changed by my hudl
Autocorrect is on overload

OP posts:
DoJo · 10/05/2018 13:12

Why are children being changed in full view of everyone?

A lot of settings do this now (not necessarily out in the open, but in a place where they can be seen at all times) because the risk of being one on one with a child is greater than the alternative.

GummyGoddess · 10/05/2018 14:02

My nursery has the changing station in the same room as all the babies, I assumed it was because they could form a production line at nappy change time! Would be a massive faff to keep going in and out with a child each time until the changes are done.

crunchymint · 10/05/2018 14:06

They also do it to maintain ratios.
OP maybe you should refuse to change boy's nappies?

crunchymint · 10/05/2018 14:07

And since the nappy changing station is an open plan area, all staff already have a chaperone. There will be other staff about all the time.

BlueSapp · 10/05/2018 14:22

YANBU, he should do the whole job, as a parent you put a level of trust in the care givers who are looking after your children and I would assume the parents know who the staff are and therefore if there were any problems from them it would've been highlighted before now. even a t home i don't change my children in separate rooms I'd never get them to stand still that long to wait for each to be changed.

Tanith · 10/05/2018 14:38

YANBU and I agree he was simply trying to get out of doing his job.

I childmind with my husband. No way does he get out of changing nappies and pants and neither do I.

This isn't a safeguarding issue: it's a lazy chancer issue and, frankly, I'm amazed the manager fell for it.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 10/05/2018 19:28

With the greatest of respect Tanith, you or anyone else can have no clue of his reasoning but if you took the time to read some of the attached threads surely you could see reasons why a male wouldn't want to change a girl's nappy othat than him just being lazy. Yes it is his job but unfortunately society doesn't let him get on with it without judging as can easily be seen on these boards

Steviea88 · 10/05/2018 19:36

I remember being a nursery and i had an accident. There were 6 workers in total. The only male teacher took me to the toilets to change my underwear.
My mum wasnt happy and she did have a few stern words to say to the nursery. She just couldnt understand why out of 6 workers the male had to change me. The toilets were secluded downstairs on their own too.
I dont think that the nursery see any harm. He was just a teacher doing his job.
But for a parent it may put doubts in their mind. Its not right.
But open planned with other staff members around I think should be ok. But if it makes him feel uncomfortable and he wants to protect himself then thats fine. Im sure theres lots of other duties he could be doing.

balsamicbarbara · 10/05/2018 19:40

A paedophile is as likely to be interested in boys

Why? Most men are straight, perverts or not. I think you'll find more girls suffer sexual abuse than boys for the same reason, hence this policy.

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 19:43

@balsamicbarbara because paedophilia does not have a sexual orientation, it’s not about what sex you’re attracted to - it’s about power, control. How can you connect being attracted to a male/female to pedophilia? It’s like saying people who like beastiality prefer female dogs. It’s not a thing. It’s a sickness.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 10/05/2018 19:45

You only have to read some of the batshit crazy posts on the male nanny thread to see why he didn’t want to change the child’s pants. It’s a veritable Daily Mail article of a thread which can be roughly paraphrased to “OMG, why would you WANT your child to be abused; don’t you know all men are paedophile rapists; will no-one think of the children?”

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 10/05/2018 19:46

Why? Most men are straight, perverts or not.
Because the bodies they are attached to are almost identical, the sex doesn't matter.

Lizzie48 · 10/05/2018 19:53

There are probably as many boys as girls who are victims of abuse. You only have to think of the scandal surrounding football coaches. And in public schools and altar boys. It's about power not sexual orientation.

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