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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've been backed into a corner?

328 replies

DippyDiplodocus · 09/05/2018 23:06

So the story goes:

I'm getting married to my fiancé in September this year.

Getting married at a small hotel. There are a limited amount of rooms which have been reserved for certain special guests I.e bridesmaids, best man and family so we can all have a nice breakfast the morning after the wedding. We wanted this to kind of be an extension of the wedding celebrations but for it to be a little more intimate with a select few special people.

Fast forward to today.

I remind two of my four bridesmaids that the rooms are due for payment soon - this has all been pre arranged and agreed upon by them months and months ago.
They were both happy to pay to stay in the rooms and so I reserved one each for them and put non refundable deposits down on both rooms in order to secure them.

They now mention that they have asked another wedding guest plus her husband, who were not on the list of people who were to stay, if they would like to stay the night in the hotel and join in with the supposed intimate breakfast the next morning. This is the first I have heard of such an offer as I had never intended for the guests in question to stay over with us.

AIBU to be majorly pissed off about this?

Obviously I like the guests but we only wanted a select few with us. I now feel as though I've been backed into a corner and have to offer these people a room because they have been pretty much promised it by the bridesmaids without first consulting me or my fiancé.

Not only that but I've now got to re-jig all the rooms for the guests to accommodate this new couple, which is a ball ache but not impossible.

I just feel really frustrated that this has happened behind my back, five days before the rooms should be finalised. I feel like it's quite rude to just assume that my fiancé and I wouldn't mind so just advised this couple they can have what they like.

For context I'm also 26 weeks pregnant, tired, in pain with SPD, Working full time, did I mention tired, trying to organise the final stuff for the wedding, trying not to stress.... argh!

OP posts:
DragonsAndCakes · 10/05/2018 07:10

But they can’t police who actually sleeps in the rooms?
I give up.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2018 07:12

I would really step in and tell the extra people what the situation is, and apologise "if the BMs have not made it clear to you that the breakfast is only for close relatives".

channingtatumspecs · 10/05/2018 07:16

What @lindyhopy said! You can't control who sleeps where especially if a lot of guests are traveling in but you CAN say (in my opinion) that there is a breakfast the nxt day and only certain people are invited to that
Tbh if I was just a bog standard wedding guest I would not want to have to attend a formal breakfast anyway

stayathomegardener · 10/05/2018 07:22

In my view it's fine for your BM's to share a room to save money as they are paying, I imagine they think they are helping by filling the now spare one for you.

If I were you I would accept the bunking up and pay for the now spare room yourself to guarantee just selected guests at breakfast.

But I would also explain to the BM's that there was a "waiting list" for any spare rooms so it is already booked.

Looneytune253 · 10/05/2018 07:22

Yabu there could have been any amount of guests decide to stay at the hotel so they could let their hair down this is no different.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 10/05/2018 07:26

You wanted this special time but expected them to pay for it. They have done nothing wrong, it was rude of you to expect them to stay over to suit you but to not pay for their rooms. They can let whoever they like stay given they are funding it or you could pay for the rooms and have who you like stay. Very simple.

Notsofunnythesecondtime · 10/05/2018 07:26

This advert appeared on my phone. Are we being watched?

To think I've been backed into a corner?
auntyflonono · 10/05/2018 07:28

Just say the room will be used by family.

MudCity · 10/05/2018 07:30

The waiting list idea is a good one.

seventh · 10/05/2018 07:32

all the guests staying at this hotel will be from the wedding party, so your breakfast would be really awkward if this other couple were there

What the actual?

So the other couple aren't attending the wedding????

Bluntness100 · 10/05/2018 07:32

This is the sort of crap that happens at some weddings. It's just really petty. I mean seriously, who gives a shit if they are at breakfast the next morning, they won't dominate and you are still with the people you wish to be with.

It's all a bit mean girls and petty. Take a step back op. Clearly your bridesmaids didn't realise you'd reached this level of bridezilla and that it would be an issue to you. Which is good news because it means you're hiding it well. You're not at school any more, it won't change things by them being there. You'll still have your other guests and be having your breakfast. So let it go.

millymae · 10/05/2018 07:39

I get you too OP - it's not you that is being unreasonable, it's your bridesmaids who haven't gone about things the right way.
If they wanted to share a room for whatever reason they should have told you before now, leaving it to you to choose who, if anyone, to ask the fill the room. My question is - do you have anyone else you would have liked to stay at the venue with the family, or would you have preferred to have left their room empty and met the cost of it yourself? If you can answer yes to either of those, you need to tell your bridesmaids, but if not I think the only thing you can do is make clear that it will be very much a 'family' breakfast and that they must make certain that whoever they have invited knows this and wont be offended if they feel a little excluded. Are the bridesmaids family? If not they and their invited guests may just make up a little group of their own!

Shampaincharly · 10/05/2018 07:39

Find out if the cost is too much for them. If it is, then let them share. Then give the freed up room to your Nan.
The other couple can sort out where they are staying.
Perhaps the BMS thought they were helping you out. Talk to them , then decide.

WoodenCat · 10/05/2018 07:39

I get you OP. The hotel is small and the ONLY people staying are in your wedding party - relatives, BMs etc. Your BMs wanted to save money and probably think they did you a favour by sorting out the extra room created by them sharing. Just say to them that it will be awkward for this other couple to stay, no problem for them to share and that you’ve other plans / guests in mind for the room that YOU have secured for your wedding party with your deposit. So they only need pay the balance for one room, no need for them to worry about the other, you’ll sort it. They just need to let the couple know that they misspoke and the room isn’t available.

Grandmaswagsbag · 10/05/2018 07:40

Honestly I wouldn’t worry about such a tiny thing. You like the couple enough to have them at your wedding, it’s only a breakfast and they will merge in with the other guests. Your BM thought you wouldn’t mind, I wouldn’t want to create bad/akward feelings with them before the wedding. People get weird around weddings, ours became a total free for all with my MIL actually inviting about 10 people who we didn’t even know. I was mildly pissed off about (mostly beacause it was MIL that did it) it but it really is a tiny insignificance if your day. We and all our guests had a good time, that’s what matters. And you will too.

BalloonSlayer · 10/05/2018 07:41

I can see why you're irritated by it but the problem is if you say anything you will get accusations of Bridezilla (see above). I think you are going to have to suck it up. But you shouldn't have to be further inconvenienced - just say well if you are changing plans you need to sort it yourself with the hotel, I haven't got time to change all the arrangements I have already made for you, you'll have to do it.

mum11970 · 10/05/2018 07:42

Gees just explain the situation to the bridesmaids.. Not exactly difficult. Such a load of fuss over nothing.

ladyvimes · 10/05/2018 07:45

I feel like you’re making this a bigger deal than it is! I’m of the mindset the more the merrier and this would totally not bother me! It’s not really going to change the atmosphere really is it?! Just smile and say good morning and then carry on as you would have done!

Redcherries · 10/05/2018 07:49

I think swapping the word hotel for venue helps. You’ve hired a venue that allows the wedding party to stay over and share breakfast not a hotel open to the general public, people seem really caught up on ‘not dictating who stay in a hotel and have hotel breakfast’.

I think the pp nailed it when they said it’s like inviting 2 extras to your birthday party without asking, changing the dynamics. If they wanted to save money they should have approached you and given you the opportunity to arrange the guests you wanted to have the room.

MarthasGinYard · 10/05/2018 07:50

Sweat the bigger things in life

GorgonLondon · 10/05/2018 07:53

I agree with every word bluntness says.

They are very much occasions for close family and friends to chat and chuckle together about the wedding,

Is this your first baby? The one whose due date is "six and a half weeks" before your wedding day?

Tbh just the fact that you think you can say "the baby will be six and a half weeks old" indicates a catastrophic lack of understanding how much it is not going to be in your control.

Hopefully the context at the end of your opening post is actually critical, and your foot stamping behaviour here is more indicative of a lack of control you're feeling over your pregnancy, rather than a more standard bridezilla tantrum...

Fridakahlofan · 10/05/2018 07:53

Yabu in my opinion. Just chill out and focus on marrying your lovely husband with your new kiddie! I've been a bridesmaid so many times and really don't enjoy these breakfasts or brunches the next day - I just want to lounge around recovering from my hangover and eating a bacon sandwich. The breakfast just isn't a big deal - don't turn it into one. For your family it will be lovely but relax about the bridesmaids and give them wiggle room. Have a great wedding!

rookiemere · 10/05/2018 07:54

Bridesmaids are trying to save money. If the breakfast is an extension of the wedding then you should have paid for their rooms. I would suggest just living with the situation now as trying to change it would be awkward for all.

Boulty · 10/05/2018 07:57

"inner circle"

the bridesmaids have paid for their own rooms! So if they want to double up it is up to them,

Sounds like you are being a bit OTT but you are pregnant and tired etc...weddings should be fun not stressful

ferrier · 10/05/2018 07:57

But they can’t police who actually sleeps in the rooms?
I give up.

Yes they can. It's an exclusive use arrangement.
I totally get you op.
Weddings involve many types of friends and relations. Having this couple at your breakfast would seem like gatecrashing. If I was one of this couple I would be really embarrassed to find myself in this situation.
So if I was you I'd contact the couple (don't leave it to the bridesmaids) and apologise that the bridesmaids didn't realise what the set up was, that it's close relations and bridal party only. Suggest somewhere else local perhaps.
The bridesmaids can still share but you do have one spare room to pay for or reallocate.

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