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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've been backed into a corner?

328 replies

DippyDiplodocus · 09/05/2018 23:06

So the story goes:

I'm getting married to my fiancé in September this year.

Getting married at a small hotel. There are a limited amount of rooms which have been reserved for certain special guests I.e bridesmaids, best man and family so we can all have a nice breakfast the morning after the wedding. We wanted this to kind of be an extension of the wedding celebrations but for it to be a little more intimate with a select few special people.

Fast forward to today.

I remind two of my four bridesmaids that the rooms are due for payment soon - this has all been pre arranged and agreed upon by them months and months ago.
They were both happy to pay to stay in the rooms and so I reserved one each for them and put non refundable deposits down on both rooms in order to secure them.

They now mention that they have asked another wedding guest plus her husband, who were not on the list of people who were to stay, if they would like to stay the night in the hotel and join in with the supposed intimate breakfast the next morning. This is the first I have heard of such an offer as I had never intended for the guests in question to stay over with us.

AIBU to be majorly pissed off about this?

Obviously I like the guests but we only wanted a select few with us. I now feel as though I've been backed into a corner and have to offer these people a room because they have been pretty much promised it by the bridesmaids without first consulting me or my fiancé.

Not only that but I've now got to re-jig all the rooms for the guests to accommodate this new couple, which is a ball ache but not impossible.

I just feel really frustrated that this has happened behind my back, five days before the rooms should be finalised. I feel like it's quite rude to just assume that my fiancé and I wouldn't mind so just advised this couple they can have what they like.

For context I'm also 26 weeks pregnant, tired, in pain with SPD, Working full time, did I mention tired, trying to organise the final stuff for the wedding, trying not to stress.... argh!

OP posts:
IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 23:58

Obtuse? That word does not mean what you think it means.

caoraich · 10/05/2018 00:01

I think I get you here - all the guests staying at this hotel will be from the wedding party, so your breakfast would be really awkward if this other couple were there and not included at breakfast? They might not be aware of this themselves! I know I'd feel awkward if I accidentally "crashed" an intimate event like that. Could you explain the plan to them in a nice way?

Could you say to your bridesmaids that them bunking in is fine if they want to save some money, but the freed up room is on a reserve list for other family who couldn't all fit in the hotel? E.g. grandparents who'd otherwise be at the breakfast. That way you get to add people who you'd like to be there.

Alternatively, by September you'll have a very tiny baby? Could you thank them so much for their offer as this will free up a space for the baby things and for people to use it to help you with the baby during the evening (e.g. take him/her away to get changed, for a nap) - I was at a wedding recently where one of the guest rooms had been repurposed as a "baby room" and it was a really helpful space for people to take their little ones to be fed and changed and relax for a bit.

Whatever you do, I don't think you can stop them sharing and you'll probably need to suck up the cost of the other room if you don't want the couple using it, though

mathanxiety · 10/05/2018 00:06

Why not tell the new couple and the bridesmaids that they will have to go directly through the hotel to arrange the double room they require?

While I sympathise with the bridesmaids on the question of cost, and can see they might prefer to save by doubling up, they don't have the right to drop into your lap the job of rearranging all the other guests to accommodate the extra friends.

Does the hotel even allow bunking together? Are there occupancy/fire rules?

lottiegarbanzo · 10/05/2018 00:06

Weird that they invited the others without talking to you. Just a cost-saving measure perahps - then why not ask you whether you'd like to offer the spare room to anyone, or lose the deposit?

Have you booked all the rooms in the place? Or are there others available, that any guest could have booked into? Where are other guests staying?

I mean that, while you've made sure certain people are there and available for breakfast with you, you can't prevent other guests, who happen to be staying at the same hotel, from breakfasting near you and expecting to speak to you if so.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/05/2018 00:14

You’ve just got to say no to the bridesmaids, and explain why.

Don’t let other people run your life.

MyKingdomForBrie · 10/05/2018 00:23

Sounds like they’re trying to save themselves money by sharing a room, but they were wrong to do it this way and invite extra people to your breakfast.

I think it’ll really not be the issue you think it will though. Everything at the moment feels like it has to be detail perfect, but when you’re all wrapped up in the loveliness of wedding day/day after happiness I bet you won’t care.

Don’t rejig the rooms though, just tell them which rooms you’d allocated to them and they can pick one or the other for themselves.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 10/05/2018 00:32

It’s a hotel and the guests including bridesmaids are paying for themselves. If someone invited to your wedding wants to stop over rather than driving/taxi and heaven forebid eat breakfast before leaving...yes you need to stop being Godzilla bride!

GreenTulips · 10/05/2018 00:39

Sorry I think your are being unreasonable!

They are attending your wedding and have arranged a room with the help of the bridesmaids

They must think you are a kind and relaxed type or it wouldn't have occurred to them you'd be pissed off eating breakfast with friends.

It's sausage and egg - not a romantic get together!! You'll be too hung over to care!

Jux · 10/05/2018 00:41

Can't you just say no? If there is one time in your life when you can say no it's surely to do with which of your guests stay at the wedding hotel?

Just say no.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 10/05/2018 00:46

You don’t really get to say who can or can’t stay in a hotel or have breakfast the next day when you aren’t paying for it. I assume the “private” breakfast won’t be in a private room you have hired for just you and your invited breakfast guests?

Failingat40 · 10/05/2018 00:46

Well I think if your bridesmaids are having to pay for their own rooms as part of your wedding then they are free to invite who they like and yabu.

When I got married we did the same, all staying the night before, meal and breakfast but it was all paid for my guests.

Maybe they're trying to make a point?

OlennasWimple · 10/05/2018 00:47

Will the hotel guests only be wedding guests? Or will there be non-wedding guests staying there?

In any case, you can say to the bridesmaids that there will be a special breakfast the following day but unfortunately the extra couple won't be able to join it.

GreenTulips · 10/05/2018 00:48

^thats mean

IAmMatty · 10/05/2018 00:48

Its breakfast! An hour, tops, sitting round a table eating toast. Confused Is it honestly worth falling out with people and offending this couple because you don't want them to eat breakfast in your presence?

I think the bridezilla licence expires at midnight on the day of your wedding.

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 10/05/2018 00:49

OP YANBU.

Your wedding, do it your way.
I would explain to bridesmaids that you have planned an intimate post wedding breakfast and that the rooms have been pre arranged, sorry there is nothing more you can do about it.

As you did not include this other couple then it is not your job to explain to them.

Have a great wedding and enjoy x

MadMags · 10/05/2018 00:54

I don’t understand this at all. You haven’t booked out the hotel, have you? So you can’t actually stop people staying?

Have you booked some sort of private breakfast the next day? I’m lost!

mathanxiety · 10/05/2018 01:23

IAmMatty - I have been to a breakfast like the one the bride is planning, and it is not one you would like to have any old Tom, Dick and harry show up for. It really isn't 'just breakfast'.

They are very much occasions for close family and friends to chat and chuckle together about the wedding, how it went, other people who were there, how dear old aunt Hilda is looking, the state of uncle Peregrine's toupee, any funny incidents that happened. It's the sort of conversation that is possible among people who know each other well. Including others would change it completely.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2018 01:26

And if you were part of an unsuspecting couple who crashed such a breakfast because two rude bridesmaids had invited you, you would be quite embarrassed and miffed with them.

If you were rude enough not so contact the bride for clarification after an invitation from the bridesmaids to the bride's post wedding breakfast, then it is very likely your presence would not add to the occasion.

IAmMatty · 10/05/2018 01:32

Math I had my family and friends who stayed at the hotel for my wedding down to breakfast the next day. Were they all top of my list? No. But they were the guests who stayed in the hotel. So who would I have been to tell them they couldn't eat the hotel breakfast?

I absolutely don't understand the precious attitude of some brides (and grooms). Unless it's a private dining space it's really not up to you!

And really the best rule for life is be kind whenever you can be instead of being a dick.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2018 01:46

It's not necessarily the hotel breakfast in a big dining room with several tables.

The ones I have been to have had one really big table for the bride and groom and close family and friends who all knew each other and had little inside jokes and knew all the other people and events everyone wanted to talk about.

Not a private dining space, but big, private dining tables in each case, seating about 16.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/05/2018 01:56

So who would I have been to tell them they couldn't eat the hotel breakfast?

I'm guessing the plan is for everyone to sit at the same table.

So an 'uninvited' guest/s does make it a bit awkward.

IAmMatty · 10/05/2018 01:57

I'm honestly not bothered about the set up, all I can see is kindness versus 'but it's MY day' accompanied by foot stomping.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/05/2018 02:02

Mmm, well you wouldn't be bothered about the table set up, as it's not your 'do'.

But if you'd reserved a table at a restaurant for 10 for your birthday, and then friend X and friend Y say they're also bringing A and B with them without checking first, you might be a little put out.

I mean, I'm a more the merrier sort of person, but I can sort of see why someone might want to do something specific and special the day after their wedding - and be miffed if friends hanged plans without checking...

ohcomeon12321 · 10/05/2018 02:04

do you happen to be the hotel manager? if not yabu as the hotel gets to decide who stays in their rooms

NorthEndGal · 10/05/2018 02:07

Sorry, I need to learn to check before I postBlush
I meant to ask if the bridesmaids were related (ie your cousins or something) maybe thinking they had a bit more imput when it came to inviting people

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