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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I've been backed into a corner?

328 replies

DippyDiplodocus · 09/05/2018 23:06

So the story goes:

I'm getting married to my fiancé in September this year.

Getting married at a small hotel. There are a limited amount of rooms which have been reserved for certain special guests I.e bridesmaids, best man and family so we can all have a nice breakfast the morning after the wedding. We wanted this to kind of be an extension of the wedding celebrations but for it to be a little more intimate with a select few special people.

Fast forward to today.

I remind two of my four bridesmaids that the rooms are due for payment soon - this has all been pre arranged and agreed upon by them months and months ago.
They were both happy to pay to stay in the rooms and so I reserved one each for them and put non refundable deposits down on both rooms in order to secure them.

They now mention that they have asked another wedding guest plus her husband, who were not on the list of people who were to stay, if they would like to stay the night in the hotel and join in with the supposed intimate breakfast the next morning. This is the first I have heard of such an offer as I had never intended for the guests in question to stay over with us.

AIBU to be majorly pissed off about this?

Obviously I like the guests but we only wanted a select few with us. I now feel as though I've been backed into a corner and have to offer these people a room because they have been pretty much promised it by the bridesmaids without first consulting me or my fiancé.

Not only that but I've now got to re-jig all the rooms for the guests to accommodate this new couple, which is a ball ache but not impossible.

I just feel really frustrated that this has happened behind my back, five days before the rooms should be finalised. I feel like it's quite rude to just assume that my fiancé and I wouldn't mind so just advised this couple they can have what they like.

For context I'm also 26 weeks pregnant, tired, in pain with SPD, Working full time, did I mention tired, trying to organise the final stuff for the wedding, trying not to stress.... argh!

OP posts:
Grandmaswagsbag · 10/05/2018 07:59

Yea shit I’ve just realised I’m 20 weeks now so you will have a new baby at your wedding?! Whoa. Yea. This will absolutely be the very last of your worries.

thegreatbeyond · 10/05/2018 08:00

Yes, in the gentlest way possible...once your baby arrives you may well feel very differently ie: mostly not care about anything apart from sleeping.

Am quite staggered that anyone would have a big wedding with a newborn.

Original poster
DippyDiplodocus · 10/05/2018 08:02

Apologies @GorgonLondon, you clearly seem to know much more about my pregnancy than I do.

No, this is not our first baby. Our first baby was stillborn in May last year at full term. It will be his first birthday very soon.
It is for this reason that I know the date of my induction and therefore my daughters birthday - give or take a day or two )providing she doesn't decide to make an early appearance).

So, yes, I can say that our daughter will be (at least) six and a half weeks old on our wedding day.

OP posts:
Redcherries · 10/05/2018 08:03

‘So if they want to double up it is up to them,’

It is, I agree, but it isn’t up to them who stays in the room.

Olicity17 · 10/05/2018 08:04

It doesnt really matter about anything else aparat from did you tell the bridemaids that the breakfast was an extension of the wedding and you were choosing the select few who you wanted there.

Because if you didnt, it wouldnt enter most peoples heads that you only wanted certain people staying over and, therefore, being at breakfast.

Original poster
DippyDiplodocus · 10/05/2018 08:05

Yes we will have a new baby at the wedding.
The wedding was already booked when we found out we were pregnant again after losing our DS. Not the greatest timing but it will be wonderful to have her there regardless.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 10/05/2018 08:05

'Having this couple at your breakfast would seem like gatecrashing.'

Good Lord

They are guests at the wedding not some random strangers trying to muscle in.

I've stayed at many wedding venues everyone has breakfast in the morning if they are up to it. Often on separate tables even. You're making it sound like there will be some sort of cringe top table where you decide who sits where.

So what if your family etc don't know them well, I'm sure you'll all say 'good morning' because that's about all required.

They probably won't even make it down.

If you want to be so completely exclusive just keep the extra room empty and pay for it.

I personally always think it's nice to pay for bridesmaids rooms, but as you've had quite a few then it seems normal for them to share if they're expected to pay.

pigmcpigface · 10/05/2018 08:06

YANBU. This is really outrageous of them, and totally overstepping the boundaries.

I would just say, very politely, "No, I've chosen a few select people with whom to spend this time, which is part of the wedding. While I like X and Y, they were not invited to the breakfast because this is a very intimate occasion with family and a handful of friends. I am afraid you are now going to have to explain to them that they are not invited to this segment of the wedding celebration and need to find alternative accommodation."

thegreatbeyond · 10/05/2018 08:08

Aw, OP, that's terrible. I think you will be very tired, but I hope your daughter brings you much healing joy and happiness.

Olicity17 · 10/05/2018 08:08

No, I've chosen a few select people with whom to spend this time, which is part of the wedding.

If its actually part of the wedding, the OP should have beeb paying for the BMs rooms, imo.

User467 · 10/05/2018 08:09

Our wedding venue was small and part of the deal was we had to take all 11 rooms. We allocated these to members of the wedding party. There were a few unhappy murmurings about why certain people had been picked to have a room, particularly from my mil who thought her friends should have one. If one of the party had given their room to someone else it would have caused no end of grief. Just explain there's a limited number of rooms and that if bridesmaids want to share that's fine but that cousin/uncle/Gran would be having the room.

If it's a larger venue with plenty of rooms then it's really up to the couple if you they want to book there

CrabappleBiscuit · 10/05/2018 08:09

I think yo7 are overthinking. I’d just go with it, you can’t control every aspect.....

Gwenhwyfar · 10/05/2018 08:12

"You've invited people to join you, which is a bit unusual for the morning after your wedding (or am I out of touch with current trends?) "

Yes, I think you're out of touch. Couples don't generally leave for the honey moon on the actual wedding day now. If the wedding is away from home, they'll stay in the hotel.

Redcherries · 10/05/2018 08:16

So, op says to the bridesmaids, we are able to book the rooms and would love you to stay, it’s x amount each, would you like to stay? Bridesmaids say yes.

My friend wants to go away for her birthday this weekend, she’s asked us and we have said yes, we’ve all looked at prices and will pay for our own room, food and drink, to celebrate with our friend.

Judging by some comments on here I should ring my friend and tell her they’re paying our hotel bill, drinks and food too! As it is HER birthday we’ve agreed to go away for?

Gazelda · 10/05/2018 08:17

Are there any other wedding guests staying near to the venue, but not at the actual hotel? If so, could you pass on the alternative hotel's details. Explain the situation to BM, that you and DH are planning a 'wedding party only' breakfast and you feel awkward that they've invited others along.

Thespringsthething · 10/05/2018 08:24

I don't see the big deal here. The BM clearly are finding the cost of the room extortionate, mentioned they might share, another couple already coming to the wedding saw how convenient it was to stay at the actual venue with everyone else, and said they would take the room. They are actually doing you a favour as they are paying for the room- if you don't want them to do this, pay for the room yourself thereby reserving it for the wedding party!

I don't see how two people nice enough to go to the wedding could ruin the morning after breakfast.

I feel sorry for them as they probably felt they were doing the BM a favour and making their own lives easier and it won't have occurred to them in a million years that they would be unwelcome or intruding on some private party (what with the wedding the day before).

The only way around this now is to pay for the room yourself, thereby reserving it for who you like. You can then truthfully say to the interlopers that there's no spare room, there was a misunderstanding.

Who would you like to take the room, given the BM obviously don't want to pay high costs each?

lottiegarbanzo · 10/05/2018 08:28

Could you pay for the extra room yourselves, to 'put it out of use', 'upgrade' another close friend, or better idea, pay half or all the overnight fee for each bridesmaid, so they don't feel the need to double up?

You haven't said if the bridesmaids understood your intention. If they did, their behaviour is really odd.

They need to explain their mistake to the other couple. But, if they're flakey enough, or willing to upset your plans to make a point about paying for their rooms, to have invited them despite understanding your wishes, then you may not want to rely on them to do this.

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 10/05/2018 08:32

I'm sorry but you don't just go inviting other people to an exclusively booked hotel/wedding venue. If the bridesmaids wanted to bunk up to share costs and have found another couple to take the other room they should have spoken to the bride and suggested it. Not gone behind her back and presented it as a fait accompli!! That was very rude. Whether they meant it to be or not.

Presumably you are very close to them OP, as they are your bridesmaids. Surely this can be resolved with a quick phone call.

Sorry the venue is booked for wedding party only as is the breakfast the next day. Sorry if that wasn't made clear. Very happy for you to bunk up. We'll save the other room for the baby stuff/auntie Vera etc etc.

Grandadwasthatyou · 10/05/2018 08:34

Sarcasm..... exactly

diddl · 10/05/2018 08:36

I'm guessing that the bmaids don't realise that the breakfast was supposed to be certain people-just anyone who happened to stay over?

montenotte · 10/05/2018 08:50

YABU
i think you have a romantic notion of the "morning after" breakfast. which is only going to end with you fed up and disappointed. i can guarantee it.

in reality people will be late
they will be hungover
others will be rushing off
others will have decided to "go for a run"
or whatever...

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 10/05/2018 08:51

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your ds. Flowers

I think in the circumstances, you need to make everything as easy on yourselves as possible. From a much less traumatic experience of pregnancy after loss (recurrent mc in my case), I know that the relief and joy at making it to the end can be accompanied by a whole new world of mixed emotions and heightened anxiety, so you will not be wanting any additional sources of stress to add into the mix. Whether you deal with this one by having an honest word with the bridesmaids and/or the unwitting breakfast-crashers or by deciding it doesn't matter, is up to you, but IIWY I would deal with it now one way or the other.

BlueJava · 10/05/2018 08:52

Firstly I assume you're paying for the breakfast otherwise it's up to them what they do and who they sit with. If you are paying, can't you simply tell the 2 bridesmaids that you're fine with whoever takes the room, but the next morning there will be a breakfast just for them and whoever you invite. Say it's just to round off the celebration as a thank you with very close friends.

Personally I wouldn't want a breakfast with anyone else but my husband!

Mummingainteasy · 10/05/2018 08:55

redcherries has got it spot on. It's a venue not a hotel. If it were a hotel I could see how you would be being unreasonable as no, you cannot dictate who stays over at a hotel. However at a venue, it's totally different.

I don't actually think the BM we're trying to be rude or cheeky, but maybe feeling guilty about leaving a room empty and you possibly out of pocket so filled it so you weren't. They most likely didn't even think about the breakfast the next day. Definitely talk to them and say they can share but the extra room isn't going free for the other couple.

CheeseRollingChampion · 10/05/2018 08:58

I don't actually think the BM we're trying to be rude or cheeky, but maybe feeling guilty about leaving a room empty and you possibly out of pocket so filled it so you weren't. They most likely didn't even think about the breakfast the next day.

That's what I'd assume as well. I honestly wouldn't worry about it. Unless the other couple are some hated relatives invited out of duty there's no issue. It's just another couple to share your happiness.

I see why you may be annoyed but honestly it will be fine. Just go with it. It's not worth the stress.

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