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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've been backed into a corner?

328 replies

DippyDiplodocus · 09/05/2018 23:06

So the story goes:

I'm getting married to my fiancé in September this year.

Getting married at a small hotel. There are a limited amount of rooms which have been reserved for certain special guests I.e bridesmaids, best man and family so we can all have a nice breakfast the morning after the wedding. We wanted this to kind of be an extension of the wedding celebrations but for it to be a little more intimate with a select few special people.

Fast forward to today.

I remind two of my four bridesmaids that the rooms are due for payment soon - this has all been pre arranged and agreed upon by them months and months ago.
They were both happy to pay to stay in the rooms and so I reserved one each for them and put non refundable deposits down on both rooms in order to secure them.

They now mention that they have asked another wedding guest plus her husband, who were not on the list of people who were to stay, if they would like to stay the night in the hotel and join in with the supposed intimate breakfast the next morning. This is the first I have heard of such an offer as I had never intended for the guests in question to stay over with us.

AIBU to be majorly pissed off about this?

Obviously I like the guests but we only wanted a select few with us. I now feel as though I've been backed into a corner and have to offer these people a room because they have been pretty much promised it by the bridesmaids without first consulting me or my fiancé.

Not only that but I've now got to re-jig all the rooms for the guests to accommodate this new couple, which is a ball ache but not impossible.

I just feel really frustrated that this has happened behind my back, five days before the rooms should be finalised. I feel like it's quite rude to just assume that my fiancé and I wouldn't mind so just advised this couple they can have what they like.

For context I'm also 26 weeks pregnant, tired, in pain with SPD, Working full time, did I mention tired, trying to organise the final stuff for the wedding, trying not to stress.... argh!

OP posts:
purpleorchidwhite · 10/05/2018 02:13

I think the bride to be is getting a very hard time here.

Booking rooms in a hotel that you are staying in for the immediate family and top table is understandable.

Yes you would expect to have breakfast the next day, its a nice way to informally extend the celebrations, and is appropriate when you are very close to your family.

I completely get the OP not wanting to include members of the bigger wedding party to the following morning.
I expect the people she has invited for this are very close to her.
No need to make an extra effort or be on your best behaviour, just be able to relax and be yourself. That close circle is a close circle for a reason.

The bridesmaids were cheeky to assume and make arrangements without consulting you. I don't expect they thought it through, just assumed it was logical and would be cheaper for them.

I would say the bridesmaids could share a room if it's to keep costs down, that's fine. Say all the other rooms for your party are allocated so can they arrange directly with the hotel.
Let them organise this room for the guests they have included, don't get involved.
They may discover that the room left is too small to accommodate the extra guests and it may all fizzle out anyway. The worst you stand to lose is a deposit on one of the single rooms.

Then you'll look as though you haven't said no, but there is a chance they won't stay over anyway.

Other than saying an outright no, and risking upsetting people you don't have much choice.

Best of luck with your cheeky bridesmaids.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2018 02:14

I don't see foot stomping.

I see an opportunity for close relatives to catch up in a way they can't necessarily catch up at the wedding proper, where people wander around and butt into conversations, and giving conversational interlopers the cold shoulder isn't on. Sometimes close relatives and friends have stuff they want to talk about that they might not want to include others in.

This breakfast gathering isn't only for the bride and groom. It's for their mothers, fathers, close rellies, and close friends.

It's certainly not the place of the bridesmaids to impose people of their choosing on, for instance, the mother of the bride/groom and their sisters or other close relatives, who might be at the breakfast.

seven201 · 10/05/2018 02:15

I think it's very rude of them. Sounds like the bridesmaids want to save money by sharing a room. Could you let them share and not let the other couple stay? It's the bridesmaid's job to tell them they were wrong about there being space available.

I was a bridesmaid at exactly this set up. Paid to stay in a posh hotel room to share the post wedding fun at breakfast the next day. Was lovely.

Shadow666 · 10/05/2018 02:19

The OP booked the room so it was rude of the bridesmaids to pass the booking on to someone else.

IAmMatty · 10/05/2018 02:21

I do get it; I just don't think it's that big a deal to just all squeeze up and welcome the other guests. Is it better to scootch up and be welcoming than cause hurt feelings to a couple who have ended up in the middle of this?

CalF123 · 10/05/2018 02:27

Why should someone who's not paying for a room get to dictate who stays in it? Seems like the height of cheeky fuckery to me.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2018 02:28

There is no way a couple with any cop on wouldn't understand after five minutes that they were gooseberries, with the best will in the world.

Far kinder to nip the project in the bud, if the other couple hasn't already started asking themselves if they would really be welcome at a breakfast that involves only close friends and family of the bride and groom and they fit neither category.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 10/05/2018 03:28

Of course it’s ok for the bridesmaids to try and save money on their room by bunking in. What is not OK is for them to invite other guests to your intimate breakfast. So tell them that. Their mess to clean up, I’m afraid, not yours.

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 10/05/2018 04:17

And really the best rule for life is be kind whenever you can be instead of being a dick.

This is where I'd start too.

QuoadUltra · 10/05/2018 04:37

OP, be careful here because if you are difficult with your bridesmaids or rude to your not-inner-circle friends, it will end up being much worse than having an extra couple at breakfast.

You should decide to let it go and move on. Sorry, but this has all the potential to become a drama where you end up looking like a bridezilla.

Bridesmaids want to save money - fair enough, weddings are expensive. They weren’t thinking of your intimate breakfast and anyway you like this other couple enough to have them at your wedding.

Sparrowlegs248 · 10/05/2018 04:45

Presumably anyone can book a room at the hotel and have breakfast the next day? I don't think you can stop the bridesmaids bunking in. It is unreasonable of them to have invited someone else to your breakfast though. Have you asked them why? Told them it wasn't your plan?

lindyhopy · 10/05/2018 05:15

you are being unreasonable. Just tell them it's fine for them to stay but breakfast is for bridal party only.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/05/2018 05:22

If you say anything at all to the bms, the angle you will need to take is the comfort of the couple. That they will feel awkward as you’ve planned to talk about x and y. Even then, I think it’s sticky ground as you’re not paying for the rooms.

OuaisMaisBon · 10/05/2018 05:36

I'm with the OP and mathanxiety here - and it is particularly ill-mannered of the bridesmaids to have invited the other couple off their own bat to have breakfast with the wedding party when this couple is presumably not close family or close friends of the bride and groom. It's got nothing to do with who is paying for the hotel rooms or not allowing this other couple have breakfast in the hotel dining-room.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/05/2018 05:48

Agree with those saying it's not bridezilla, it's maidzilla to start making arrangements behind the bride's back. It's HER party and it's HER breakfast and they don't get to say who else comes along without even asking, just telling. I'll let the interlopers off at this point because they may not have realised they weren't invited properly, as it were.

seventh · 10/05/2018 05:49

The bridesmaids want to change something THEY are paying for, but you want them to do what YOU want with THEIR money ?

Two extra people who aren't very close to you will be with you all for breakfast. Tops 2 hours. And you aren't happy?

I think you need to suck it up.

It's two hours of your life. Be generous and kind and expansive.

It's a wedding. Try to enjoy it rather than make problems for yourself

JobHunting4 · 10/05/2018 05:54

You will have a small baby, people will be hungover. It will not be small intimate and civil in all likelihood. You can't stop people staying in the hotel if they're paying, but Id definately let them sort it themselves through the hotel.

SinglePringle · 10/05/2018 05:58

Dear god, sometimes my family drive me mad but this is an example of why I love them really.

If it were my Wedding / family, the interlopers would be welcomed with open arms (‘we’re honoured you want to join us and thank you for attending our wedding’). We scooch up, put piles of food in front of them and start taking the mick (our way of saying ‘we love you’).

They’d be family friends for life (These people, who, you know, bothered to attend your marriage celebration).

Socrates73 · 10/05/2018 05:59

I just don't think it's that's big of a deal tbh. Sounds like the bridesmaids realised that they couldn't afford a room each and tried to find a solution. There's only five rooms so surely a little re jigging won't take that long and the extra guests at breakfast? Unless they're likely to start a food fight or something then I can't see where the harm is in them joining you. I think possibly you have lost perspective a bit because things didn't go your way.

TeisanLap · 10/05/2018 06:01

IronMan deliberately obtuse or what?

Ironman is nothing but deliberate.

TeisanLap · 10/05/2018 06:03

OP, what they’ve done isn’t ideal but they obviously think anything goes because they’ve paid for the room. I think you’ll just have to suck it up whilst making it clear they’ll have to breakfast alone.

InspMorse · 10/05/2018 06:09

Ah, the intimate breakfast, select few, the inner circle ... Are you part of the Royal family?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 10/05/2018 06:10

You're going to have a newborn Shock Tbh I doubt you'll give a flying fuck about your 'intimate' breakfast or who's staying where.

The bridesmaids were very rude, but seeing as they're paying I don't think you can blame them for wanting to save money. I get what mathanxiety is saying and would be mortified myself to be surplus to requirements at an event like this - but you do sound a little bit exclusive and precious about your 'inner circle'.

But again, you'll have a newborn - I think your intimate breakfast could look very very different from your plans.

GreenItWas · 10/05/2018 06:12

I think you are completely right to feel the way you do. The BMs are cheeky but the interlopers are worse! Just to tag along like that without squaring it with the happy couple is poor and cheeky.

SinglePringle · 10/05/2018 06:13

How anyone could sit in a public / hotel restaurant and have breakfast, whilst excluding people they thought well enough of to invite to their wedding is beyond me.

These people are guests at your wedding. You’ve invited them - they’re not some randomers the Bridesmaids met last week.

Boggled.

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