To think I've been backed into a corner?

[DippyDiplodocus]

So the story goes:

I'm getting married to my fiancé in September this year.

Getting married at a small hotel. There are a limited amount of rooms which have been reserved for certain special guests I.e bridesmaids, best man and family so we can all have a nice breakfast the morning after the wedding. We wanted this to kind of be an extension of the wedding celebrations but for it to be a little more intimate with a select few special people.

Fast forward to today.

I remind two of my four bridesmaids that the rooms are due for payment soon - this has all been pre arranged and agreed upon by them months and months ago.
They were both happy to pay to stay in the rooms and so I reserved one each for them and put non refundable deposits down on both rooms in order to secure them.

They now mention that they have asked another wedding guest plus her husband, who were not on the list of people who were to stay, if they would like to stay the night in the hotel and join in with the supposed intimate breakfast the next morning. This is the first I have heard of such an offer as I had never intended for the guests in question to stay over with us.

AIBU to be majorly pissed off about this?

Obviously I like the guests but we only wanted a select few with us. I now feel as though I've been backed into a corner and have to offer these people a room because they have been pretty much promised it by the bridesmaids without first consulting me or my fiancé.

Not only that but I've now got to re-jig all the rooms for the guests to accommodate this new couple, which is a ball ache but not impossible.

I just feel really frustrated that this has happened behind my back, five days before the rooms should be finalised. I feel like it's quite rude to just assume that my fiancé and I wouldn't mind so just advised this couple they can have what they like.

For context I'm also 26 weeks pregnant, tired, in pain with SPD, Working full time, did I mention tired, trying to organise the final stuff for the wedding, trying not to stress.... argh!

I would leave them to it, they can cram in the room as that is the arrangements they have made and you have book the table for breakfast so I would say sorry but no it’s already planned.

Yabu. You cant dictate who can staying in the hotel and who cant. Also did anyone know you had planned an 'intimate breakfast'? Did you tell people that you only wanted a select few to stay. Or did people assume that since you are getting married in a hotel, staying at the hotel was fine. Because most people would assume that booking into the hotel where the wedding is was fine.

Why did you need to rejig rooms though? Most hotels, especially ones that host weddings, dont have single beds so why can't the ladies just share a double or a queen or whatever?
Why not just get the bridesmaids to explain (since they did the inviting) that the breakfast in the morning is for the wedding party only so they can make provisions to do something themselves?

I actually don’t think you’re being unreasonable, OP. Well, not completely.
I used to work in just the sort of place you’ve described - so much so that I actually wonder if that’s where you’re getting married. It’s primarily a wedding venue, but is also a guesthouse (think diversified farm in the Home Counties). When you get married there, you have exclusive use, but it’s a condition of the booking that all the eight rooms be taken. So in fact it’s not the case that ‘anyone can stay in the hotel’ - were someone to ring saying ‘I’m coming to the Morecambe/Wise wedding on the tenth; got any rooms?’ the answer would be ‘no’. Now, sometimes the bride and groom pay for all the rooms, and sometimes they don’t (it’s about 50/50) but ultimately it’s their responsibility to get those rooms filled, so they decide who has them. It’s nearly always the bridal party who takes them - bridesmaids, in-laws, best man and his missus - and in the morning it is indeed private use of the breakfast room, and we lay a big central table - theres a cold buffet, and then we take individual orders for a cooked breakfast. People usually mill about putting presents in cars, taking anything from the marquee they’ve brought to ‘dress’ it, gossiping about which of the cousins slept the bloke from the band, laughing about Aunty Ida getting wankered on Bristol Cream, whatever. So it actually would be a bit odd if a slightly random couple was there, who wouldn’t normally be involved in this sort of post-prandial ritual. Furthermore, I know we’re taking OP’s statement about this being the only thing the bridesmaids have to pay for, at face value, but if it’s true then I actually think it is cheeky of them to bunk up together and just inform a third party that they can ‘have the spare room now going’. They should have asked you. I’m on your side.

It sounds like crossed wires to me. The BM want to save money and found a couple who could take the spare room. What they perhaps didn't appreciate was your plans for the intimate breakfast. I'd speak to them to see what the couple have been told. If it's too late, I would just go with it and enjoy the day. I've been to one of these breakfasts and tbh I just wanted to eat and get home. The wedding had been and gone as far as I was concerned.

Having read the previous poster, then if this is one of those places where you have exclusive use with all rooms for your guests then yes I agree this is cheeky of the BM. I would just go back to BM and say the rooms are for the wedding party only.

Lots of guests stay over at the venue after a wedding, you don't have to be part of the wedding party to do so. Breakfast is usually part of that, you can't really commandeer that.

Is the breakfast being held in a separate room to the normal breakfast served to the hotel guests? If it is then you just say that you have a reservation for breakfast but they can have it in the place breakfast is served. You tell them it was pre booked for family but you're pleased they can stay over. I still can't work out why you're not!

This is one of the strangest complaints I've read on here, but maybe I've misunderstood. You don't want people to stay at the venue unless they're the exclusive inner circle of the wedding party?

The bridesmaids have other friends, they're staying with them in the room they have paid for? But they are actually wedding guests?

If this is correct then YABVVVU, you sound really jealous that the bridesmaids are spending time with other people. I'd understand if this impacted you but it really doesn't, the wedding was the day before.

Good morning,

Thank you for all your replies, just wanted to clarify a few bits:

I have no objection to the bridesmaids sharing a room to save money - that is fine. It would have been nice to know a little sooner as their rooms will need to be altered to accommodate them together and deadline is Monday. However, it's fine and doable.

I was more feeing like this:

I think I get you here - all the guests staying at this hotel will be from the wedding party, so your breakfast would be really awkward if this other couple were there and not included at breakfast? They might not be aware of this themselves! I know I'd feel awkward if I accidentally "crashed" an intimate event like that. Could you explain the plan to them in a nice way?

The hotel itself has limited rooms as I previously mentioned. These have ALL been reserved and booked by myself for our guests, we specifically asked the guests for each room if they would like to stay as we were hoping to have a nice morning after/small family and close friends gathering around breakfast. We did make everyone aware that the rooms were to be paid by the guests IF they wanted to stay but no pressure. I knew for example that my sister would want to stay as she lives quite far away from us. Equally we don't get to see each other that often so having her with us a bit longer will be really lovely.

There won't be any other hotel guests there, just people from our wedding.

Obviously I wouldn't try to stop any paying guest having breakfast in a shared dining room because that's just a bit over the top for my liking, (however the dining took will just be us and the guests who have stayed with us), which is why I feel obliged to now accommodate these guests who have been promised a room and breakfast.

I see it as still part of our celebrations. We wanted our family there, some of which are quite elderly and don't have the opportunity to see everyone together that often. Also we wanted a few of our closest friends there to share the morning with before waving everyone off.

I don't know if this is a "new and trendy" thing. We did it at my uncle's wedding last year. We all met up the following day (select few, close family and friends) to have breakfast and chat and laugh about the day before and it was really lovely.

Also just to add, the extra two guests don't know my family really and they don't know my husbands to be's family either, so I don't know if it would feel awkward for them plonked in the middle of our families while we talk. Equally if they are there I wouldn't want to shove them off to the side and make them feel excluded. After all it's not their presumption that has landed us in this situation.

Yes, we will have a tiny baby. She will be six and a half weeks by the time we get married, so I don't think we (DH and I) will be that hungover and not caring to be honest because presumably we will have been taking care of our baby too and not getting completely rat arsed.

Yes, it is exclusive use - sorry I obviously didn't explain that well enough.

Surely you can't dictate who stays over at the hotel after a wedding reception.. the whole point is that it's an open & public hotel for people to use.

I would say 50% of our wedding guests stayed over on the night of our wedding, so around 25. We all got up and went for breakfast in our normal family combinations. We had a lovely time without it being an extension of the wedding.

I think you're being a little precious here. When it comes to it, you won't even care because even the best laid plans go haywire but it's still the best day of your life and it goes in a flash.

It won't be a public hotel - it's booked out for the wedding party only.

I don't think you can dictate rooms if your guests are paying for it themselves!! It is kind of them to pay and be there for you on your wedding day as it is. These things are expensive.

My guess is that they have invited the couple as a way to reduce the cost without upsetting or offending you. They have done this quietly as a way out.

Inner circles of invited guests makes you sound like you are ten years old, and I would be reconsidering coming at all if I heard terms like that.

You will have a great wedding, especially if you do not upset your guests with something so small, just accept it with good grace. They may not even turn up for the breakfast, but if you are that worried simply change it to one as a couple.

I am not sure the guests will care that much about a wedding breakfast and will probably want to sleep off their hangover.

Given its exclusively booked for your wedding I agree with you. I would speak to the BM and explain the rooms are for the wedding party only.

You might not be getting rat arsed but your guests sure as hell will, simply make the breakfast early and don't tell them the time. If they turn up be gracious and welcoming. Most people fit in most social situations IF they are made to feel comfortable and welcome.

You should have paid for all of the rooms if you want complete control over who stays.

Of course it's not unreasonable to be annoyed that the BMs have taken it upon themselves to invite extra guests to what is essentially a private party.

They may not have set out to be but they are being rude and inconsiderate, it doesn't really matter that it's a wedding breakfast, you don't invite gatecrashers to other people's events without checking first

I totaly get you OP

I’ve been to a few weddings with this set up - and ‘all in one’ venue with only a few rooms. It isn’t open to the public and not anyone can stay there.

The other couple is going to feel super ackward when they realise they are crashing the bridal party breakfast!

I would call them ASAP and say there has been some confusion. The rooms are for bridal party and close family only and you’re having an intimate family breakfast. Hope you can find something else.

Then ask your BM if they want to share for cost? If so chuck them in a room together (they can share a double bed) and you’ll have to pay for the spare room.

Your BMs are pretty thick to have done this TBH.

I agree with you here OP, even more so after your update! Could you not explain to your bridesmaids that you can juggle things so they can share if that's what they want but that the spare room will be spoken for? Is there another family member who might take it?

So long as the deposits are in I don’t see why they need to be ‘finalised’ in five days.
And isn’t it just a list of names with the word ‘double’ or ‘twin’ next to it?
Why is it such a big job?

It's not a big job @DragonsAndCakes - as I said further down, it's doable and not the end of the world. It's not really the main issue.

As for why Monday - the venue have a four month deadline for rooms and payments to be finalised. You'd have to ask them why that is.

There’s no way that’s a real deadline, so long as deposits are in. Of course you’ll be able to ask them to swap the name of a room after that, probably till on the day. Not suggesting you do.

But surely the BMs know that the breakfast is for small wedding party only - the ones who have been asked to stay at the hotel? They will be aware of the plans, having been asked about staying there and paying for room in the first place.
So asking another random guest and husband to take one of their rooms and then join the wedding breakfast is extremely odd and totally off. It's not their place to add to the wedding party. And if OP has booked whole hotel for their use, then doubly so.

I can sort of see why you are annoyed. It's really not worth getting stressed about and I would try to take a 'more the merrier' attitude and just go with it. Not what you asked, but with a 6 week old you might not want to get up/dressed and sit through breakfast after a late night.

Maybe it isn't a real deadline but it's the one we have been given and so I'm just trying to do things when they should be done for. Perhaps they can be flexible, perhaps they can't. I don't know. It's their policy.

Calling to clarify who is where and doing what later today when I've spoke to BM.

Well it is cheeky of them but they are expected to pay, so six of one and half a dozen of the other really. What about paying for the room freed up by your bridesmaid so it's unavailable? You could always say your nan was going to have to share but now she won't?

Your update makes things clear OP. I would take the idea of having a ‘baby room’ for all the baby paraphernalia or for any guests with babies to use during the reception (if there are any). Explain to the bridesmaids / other couple that the room has already been allocated and you are very sorry. Either that or allocate the room to a friend who you would be happy to join you at breakfast.

You would have more leverage if you were paying for the rooms to be honest.

I also agree with a previous poster who said just have room service with your DH and leave the rest to it. That’s what we did and I was really glad of it. It was a lovely, relaxed morning after a very stressful few months of wedding preparations.