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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really annoyed that our Italian au pair....

274 replies

Madonnasbiggestfan · 09/05/2018 18:47

Arrived last Thursday and is going home on Sunday. Basically she's 20 and has never lived away from home before, including visiting anywhere else in her home country. She hasn't worked since leaving school at 18 (she has a £1k iPhone NOT that I'm jealous). We found out she has a serious dairy allergy (we knew from our Skype calls she had an issue with eating dairy) we only found out on Sunday that she carries an epipen and can't touch cheese.
She's decided to go back home because she just was crying all the time. She's not offered to help at all and I just had to ask her to clean up after herself when she makes a meal, i.e crumbs and washing up the plate. DH and I had to go to a funeral today (elderly relative) and I got dressed up with high heels some make up and a fairly dressy navy dressed compared to what I've worn since she's been here. Before we left she couldn't stop staring at me and I felt very uncomfortable, I'm in my 40s with two DCs for goodness sake! I've now got four more days of this, she doesn't want me to leave her on her own! Heeelp. I do want her to go. I feel on one hand a bitch for feeling like this and on the other very annoyed...

OP posts:
blueshoes · 10/05/2018 11:22

Bingo! Right on cue.

pigmcpigface · 10/05/2018 11:30

Grin @blueshoes. I was thinking the same!

QuackPorridgeBacon · 10/05/2018 11:58

Have you tried actually talking to her and working through anyfears she may have? It must be scary to be away from home for the first time and in a different country. I’d feel more empathy for you if you didn’t try and make points with irrelevant information. Using an epipen and having an iPhone has nothing to do with this, I’m not sure how it would affect her being there? If it’s not working out surely her going home would be a good thing?

Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 10/05/2018 13:06

I mentioned the phone because she doesn’t stop looking at it. The epi pen is not an issue - it’s that she has a life threatening allergy and I nearly left her alone with my children - before she told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madonnasbiggestfan · 10/05/2018 13:11

I’m going to live and learn from this. I think she was pretty much pushed into coming here by her family. She has said there are not many jobs in Italy. I’ve banged the drum a bit for her going home and maybe doing a degree - then coming back when she’s older and doesn’t mind being away from home so much. I’m cooking a very elaborate vegan themed dinner too. As I said it’s a lesson learned. I wouldn’t say having free board (we could rent that room for £350) free food and £10 an hour was that bad though. Plus weekends off.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 10/05/2018 13:50

OP, in hindsight, my best aupairs are those who did have something specific they wanted to do after aupairing (e.g. gap year) and therefore, made it clear their time was limited. 6 months with a good aupair is better than one year with a rubbish one.

You do have a heart. Cooking a vegan meal for an epipen user.

You are absolutely right that it is not just the pocket money but the food and board on top of it. In London, the rent alone for the aupair's very nicely appointed room in a great location will exceed her pocket money.

blueshoes · 10/05/2018 13:58

pigmcpigface, the point you make about recent undergraduates being less able to cope with life than those 10-15 years ago resonates with me. I am finding the same on the aupair front. Most of my aupairs are in the 18-22 year age range.

I have used aupairs, largely from Europe, for 10 years. The earlier aupairs were as a whole better than the recent ones I have been getting. I thought maybe it is because my children are older and I was attracting aupairs of a different calibre (i.e. those who want an easier ride on the childcare front?). Maybe it is also because, for whatever reason, the later generation is less robust and set up to cope with the rigors of adulthood and just making the most of their opportunities. It sometimes breaks my heart for them.

StrangeLookingParasite · 10/05/2018 16:11

Wow, some of the astonishing conclusions being drawn from the OP's sposts. I find her explanation perfectly clear. The carry on about:

I am concerned by the implication that we shouldn't have jobs or live in other people's houses because of our allergies.

No one said that. That's entirely made up by you, as when as the one who said are people not supposed to have epi-pens. What over-dramatic bullshit.
The OP was told she has some issues with dairy, not that she has an anaphylactic reaction on contact, which is pretty bloody different.

hampsteadholly · 10/05/2018 16:43

OP I'd be disconcerted and disappointed with this turn of events too. All I can think of until she's leaves is nightly Wine

pigmcpigface · 10/05/2018 16:48

blueshoes - That's really interesting that your experience chimes with mine!

I am dealing with a millennial tradesperson at the moment. He's a good furniture designer, but he's absolutely useless when it comes to organisation. He can't seem to get out of bed in the morning so rocks up at 11am. He can't get organised with ordering materials on time, so deadlines slip. Plus, due to said late start, he only really works a five hour day (despite insisting he was "up til midnight" doing something, his rate of productivity is appalling). He's just cancelled on an installation in my dining room because he hurt his ankle playing football last night. There have also been moments where he's clearly just been too hungover to work properly. He's nearly 30, but it's like dealing with a child. Everything is all about his needs, his wants, his desires for his life - he seems to have no concept of professionalism or resilience. What is worse, all his friends (who come in to 'help') are exactly the same.

I notice very similar traits in my undergrads, 10 years younger.

It's not a wall-towal generational thing - theere are other tradespeople and young students I'm dealing with who have their shit together. I think, however, there are certain segments of the middle class where this entitlement and this slightly self-obsessed attiude have taken over, and they breed a lack of independence, organisation and resilience. It really feels like no-one AT ALL has ever said 'no', or insisted that these kids make a deadline. And they are so ill equipped for how horrendous life can be that it really feels cruel that they have been allowed to develop in this way.

Amalfimamma · 10/05/2018 16:59

@Madonnasbiggestfan

Don't beat yourself up about it, she sounds like a typical Italian 0 year old to be honest.

And it's not just the parent fault. Unfortunately here in Italy the law demands that parents are financially responsible for their children until they are economically independent. It doesn't differentiate in age so for the law a 50 year old who doesn't want to work is still a child and their parents are legally responsible for them.

There are however many young girls that DO want to au pair and are fantastic at it. Even if they do complain about food all the time 🙄 if you'd like I can send you the name of a great agency here so you don't get some random of the web xx

Amalfimamma · 10/05/2018 17:03

@IrmaFayLear

Having lived here for the past 22 years I can say that you comment is 100% spot on.

IrmaFayLear · 10/05/2018 17:15

You can’t disinherit your dcs either! In fact if one of your parents dies, the property is shared 50/50 between widow(er) and dcs, so your dcs can potentially boot you out of your house!

Amalfimamma · 10/05/2018 17:19

@IrmaFayLear

As happens regularly. My Italian nieces don't help in the house either and hate coming to me as I make them help. They are 13 and 11 and don't know how to get dressed or make their beds.

My 3 year old does.

PolarBearkshire · 10/05/2018 17:34

Well if you invite somebody who hasnt worked who already saud they cant eat dairy and who never lived alone... what else to expect?
Meanwhile be a nice human being and comfort her until she goes home.
Next time use better judgement inviting aupairs and nannies - dont go for looks or youth- go for references and proven track record that they WANT to work/help/be useful and that they dont have massive home-sickness!
Living in foreign country in strange house with unfamiliar family is very(!!!) daunting even for an experienced person. Try to be nice!

niccyb · 10/05/2018 17:40

No she isn’t a child but she does sound homesick which can make someone anxious and nervous. You don’t know what issues she has at home with her family. Have a bit of compassion over the next few days until she goes home. At least you have found out now

Strongmummy · 10/05/2018 17:54

She’s homesick and sad and you’re moaning coz she looked at you strangely? You sound lacking in compassion and you should try and get her an earlier flight. Also I find it really irritating when people who get au pairs moan like this. You know what you’re signing up for .....a student with no childcare qualification wanting cheap board. They are not nannies. Why expect them to behave in a professional manner? They’re lodgers. If you can’t afford a nanny, find other more affordable professional childcare

blueshoes · 10/05/2018 17:54

pigmcpigface: there are certain segments of the middle class where this entitlement and this slightly self-obsessed attiude have taken over, and they breed a lack of independence, organisation and resilience. It really feels like no-one AT ALL has ever said 'no', or insisted that these kids make a deadline.

Yes! You have described a few of my aupairs to a T. How dare I give them instructions on how I like things to be done in my own household.

Amalfi and Irma, I am afraid you are not selling the young Italian to me.

Strongmummy · 10/05/2018 18:00

Blueshoes - seriously, you get what you PAY for. If you want good childcare, pay a professional, not a student Hmm

Amalfimamma · 10/05/2018 18:01

@blueshoes

Domt get me wrong there are some great young Italians out there who want to work. But they normally have a degree or formal training.

Sparklyglitter · 10/05/2018 18:02

Seriously! That's really ridiculous that the girl didn't make it clear she had dairy anaphylaxis! That's a serious health condition...she could DIE, which means that the host family will need to change the way they live their life completely! I would be unhappy if someone had not made this clear to me before moving into my home. This means she cannot feed the children cheese, you wouldn't really feel comfortable having it in the house. In our house cheese is part of our kids staple diet! I would also be disappointed that having spent the time to get to know her on Skype that it turns out she hasn't even been to stay somewhere else in her own country let alone abroad...how did she and her parents think she was going to cope?
Desperately sorry for her, but feel she sounds like a spoilt princess that is only thinking about herself and not the upheaval she is wreaking on a family.

Amalfimamma · 10/05/2018 18:03

@Strongmummy

I disagree I came to. Italy as an au pair 22 years ago. I looked after a 6 year old and a 4 year old.

Even today when I meet them they call me 'tata' (Italian word for nanny) and kiss and cuddle me. And some professionals I know are useless. It all depends on the person

Furano · 10/05/2018 18:03

*And it's not just the parent fault. Unfortunately here in Italy the law demands that parents are financially responsible for their children until they are economically independent. It doesn't differentiate in age so for the law a 50 year old who doesn't want to work is still a child and their parents are legally responsible for them.

Really? Wow!

123coco · 10/05/2018 18:03

Well I don’t know if Im alone but at 20 I certainly didn’t feel an adult. ! Sometimes I stiil dont and Im no spring chicken. I certainly couldn’t have coped being so far away if I hadnt bern anywhere else even in my own country. Get the cheese thng but the iPhone ref! I do think there are some very unsympathetic opinions about the young girl. Yes girl. It was 21 coming of age when I was young!

Strongmummy · 10/05/2018 18:09

I have no doubt there are great au pairs, just as I know there a rubbish nannies out there. However, you’re pretty daft to moan about how crap a student with no childcare qualifications, who’s in a foreign country, living in a strangers house and who’s never met your kids is!!! It’s obvious there’s going to be issues !!