Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

He didn't want phone sex

205 replies

Corkscrewbetty · 09/05/2018 14:38

So... my partner and I live apart. He comes to see me most weekends. I live with an eldery parent and so it's hard to find a good time to enjoy ourselves sexually. I just don't feel comfortable. We've even resorted to doing it in bushes when we take the dog out for a walk. We used to have quite an active sex life before my father moved in with me. We would "sext" and all the rest of it. Anyway, my dear old father is with a friend today. I'm self-employed and so is my boyfriend. I texted him asking him if he fancied a bit of phone sex... and he's too tired and not in the mood. Now... I know this happens... but seeing as we so rarely get the chance to do anything sexual... I feel a bit put out. And now I'm thinking about it, I don't think he has been as interested in that side of things recently. I'm wondering whether it's a bit of a red flag or if I'm just getting all worried about nothing.

OP posts:

Ebony69 · 09/05/2018 16:57

There’s nothing wrong with phone sex. It can be a real turn on. BUT it has to develop naturally. Actually requesting it as if you’re ordering a coffee in a cafe is just a turn off.

PistFump · 09/05/2018 16:58

I'm still stuck on the dog 🐕 imagining him sat on the end of a lead - cringing himself in to oblivion. Is there a hotline for traumatised pooches?

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 09/05/2018 16:59

Maybe the OP's dad is like my XFIL. He wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed at his, even though I was 8 months pregnant at the time!

Uniglo18 · 09/05/2018 17:01

Just book a hotel or cheap b&b for the weekend. Don't risk getting arrested or traumatising dogs & ordinary citizens with your teenage antics.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 09/05/2018 17:01

still stuck on the dog

I seriously don't want to know. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/05/2018 17:01

"You want me to WHAT with my WHAT? Speak up dear it's a bad line. Oh yeah, baby Oh hang on, I've got a call on the landline and it's probably my accountant, I'll have to take this, love. You've come already? Oh right bye then"

Original poster

Corkscrewbetty · 09/05/2018 17:03

OK...
So - the dog - he's an old dog-on-a-string type. A rescue. We do it really in the middle of nowhere. The forest rather than a bush. Miles from anywhere. He wanders around doing his own thing. Even if we did it in the bedroom, he'd be there. I can't remember the last time the dog wasn't near me. He's a weirdo and had separation anxiety. Don't worry about the dog. He's alright. He doesn't get involved.
I have a little baby. She's mine, not his. She goes to nursery here. I'm on the PTA there and have written about how I was finding it a bit hard down there. It's all calmed down since.
My boyfriend - I was with him before I had the baby. Now I'm back with him. He's self-employed. He takes temporary jobs for a few months and then the government give him unemployment benefit between jobs. Very good benefits (it's the system here). I don't like the fact that he works to then not work. He plays the system. He doesn't have much get up and go. This is why I left him in the first place. He has since promised that he will change and there has been evidence of this over the last couple of months. I'm hoping that this can get sorted. He is also pretty tight with his money. He likes to save it and live off it for the periods when he's not working.
He had a very adventurous sex life when he was younger and this has caused me a lot of problems. I'm very insecure about it. It's on my mind a lot. I feel like my current situation with baby and dad can't be particularly appealing. And then when I offered phone sex and he wasn't up for it, I started to worry that maybe he is going elsewhere for his fun.
Anyway, I'm glad people managed to have a bit of a laugh about it. I think I probably have some issues to work through. He's a very bright, funny man and when all is well, I get one with him perfectly. I just get down about the whole thing.

OP posts:

DextroDependant · 09/05/2018 17:07

I can't do phone sex. I just get so embarrassed and I am far from a prude in the flesh.

My dog leaves the room in disgust if I start having sex so can imagine him being traumatised if I went at it on a walk.

gingergenius · 09/05/2018 17:08

Bless you op your situation sounds complicated.
I am the least prudish person I know and even I hate phone sex. It just makes me feel awkward and self conscious so I wouldn't pay his lack of enthusiasm too much attention. But I'd agree you might have to work on your self esteem

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/05/2018 17:10

Ah sorry for laughing Op. It sounds as though your self esteem is on the floor and something like a rejection of phone sex for no other reason than He wasn't in the mood, has dented your confidence further.

I don't think it means doom for your relationship. Men can easily separate love and sex. He didn't want (phone) sex, that doesn't mean his feelings for you have changed. I think you're reading too much into it.

I also think you need to get past this mental barrier about having sex with a child or your dad in the house. You can do it quietly I hope

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/05/2018 17:16

It also sounds as though you feel a bit "neglected" by him in other areas of your relationship?

Money seems to be a big issue and his lack of drive and you say he's tight with money? Perhaps you feel that he isn't treating you well, providing for his family, a bit selfish? If he saps your confidence and you feel a bit used and unloved then you might be better off without him.

MissReginaPhilange · 09/05/2018 17:21

My dogs far too excitable to have sex infront of. He'd start barking and shit.
I think some people just get embarrassed by it at first. Maybe next time Instead of announcing it just phone and do it....bet he joins in then no man could resist. To be fair he doesn't even need to talk really. Or maybe video call him. Lots of ways to keep frisky between bush visits

sonjadog · 09/05/2018 17:24

My dog is endlessly curious. He’d be trying to squeeze in the middle for a better look.

lhastingsmua · 09/05/2018 17:30

Phone sex seems an awkward thing to arrange. Youd have been better off sending a pic then calling/facetiming him to set the mood tbh

FizzyGreenWater · 09/05/2018 17:30

The elderly thin is a 'theme' here.

Elderly dog.

Elderly dad.

Elder-type bushes, probably.

Have you suggested wireless sex?

Original poster

Corkscrewbetty · 09/05/2018 17:31

I do get down about the whole thing and I do need to work on my self-esteem. I was in a 14-year relationship before him with a man who pretended he wanted children and then wouldn't go through IVF with me when we found out he couldn't have them. Then I met this guy (which was a miracle seeing as I live in the middle of nowhere surrounded by bean farmers). He is very educated and we "get" each other. He wanted kids, but I just thought the whole job thing wouldn't wash with me. So, I did it on my own with a sperm donor. I make enough money. I freelance. But, some months are A LOT better than others and I suppose, ideally, I would like to be able to count on another salary and have that support there. Some stability and a true partnership with someone. But, I knew all this going into it and I feel very determined that my baby will have everything she needs from me. She is a real joy and so clever and curious and happy. She is so much more important than anything else. I don't want her growing up with the same insecurities as me. So, I need to get a grip and not allow myself to have meltdowns about phone sex. It would have been a first by the way. Who knows what I'd have said? I was just going to go with it. Thought it might make a bit of a change from the bushes. Also, the dog was asleep. Bit of a treat!

OP posts:

boloriabullet · 09/05/2018 17:33

I am a very sexual person but whenever ive attempted phone sex I just either want to laugh, feel hugely awkward, or both. My husband and I had a brief period of time living apart and we tried it and he didn’t know what to say. When he said ‘and I am
Going to insert my....’ I jus burst out laughing

notanurse2017 · 09/05/2018 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toocool4cats · 09/05/2018 17:35

Bush Bush in the Bush

Whitesea · 09/05/2018 17:35

Ah OP your situation sounds tough.

Are you thinking of your boyfriend as long term? It sounds like you feel you are less worthy of him than he is of you. I am quite sure this isn’t the case, but maybe you need to have the conversation with him to see if you are both on the same track about the direction the relationship is going?

.I’m not sure how you can increase your self esteem depending on your locality but perhaps in the nearest town there is something? Or online depending on how much interaction you have?

halfwitpicker · 09/05/2018 17:37

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/05/2018 17:37

Yeah maybe this small rejection of your phone sex idea felt like the last straw in feeling unappreciated, unsupported and a kick to your fragile confidence at the moment.

You sound great by the way. Strong, independent and a good mum.

halfwitpicker · 09/05/2018 17:38

So, I need to get a grip and not allow myself to have meltdowns about phone sex

^
That'd be a start, yes.

Bean farmer

jamoncrumpets · 09/05/2018 17:41

YABU for describing your child as a 'little bubba'

SparklyMagpie · 09/05/2018 17:48

Maybe your dogs been texting him considering he seems to be playing an active roll of a peeper in this relationship

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread