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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this back to court?

608 replies

Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:24

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 15/05/2018 14:04

Have they called you back yet?

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 15/05/2018 14:22

Yes. He’s been spoken to informally, and been told it has to stop. If it doesn’t stop then it will be escalated. They’ve also told him to use the channel of communication that I’ve offered to him. So hopefully that’ll be an end to the harassment

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 15/05/2018 14:32

Good for you!

fuzzyfozzy · 15/05/2018 15:20

Fingers crossed

Hortonlovesahoo · 15/05/2018 16:33

Let’s hope that he listens to this “good advice” and doesn’t act like a dick about it.

I’m guessing you’ve not heard anything since?

Wallywobbles · 15/05/2018 16:48

Well done. The first step is always pretty terrifying but once you start it's easier to keep going. I remember running a bath one evening (the evening I set the ball rolling) and falling asleep from stress exhaustion before I could get in. It was about 7 pm.

youarenotkiddingme · 15/05/2018 16:50

Good move. Hopefully the fear of his welfare officer getting wind of more problems will be enough for him to stop.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 15/05/2018 18:55

I think it’s caught up with me today. Raging headache, swollen throat, feel horribly sick and just absolutely drained. Like I haven’t slept for a month. Everything hurts. I just want some sense of normal

OP posts:
Jonbb · 15/05/2018 19:50

Well done. I think you have absolutely done the right thing for you and your daughter, and for him too. He now has clear boundaries and knows what behaviour you expect from him.

sparklepops123 · 15/05/2018 21:17

Just give yourself some down time if you can you'll be fine . Do not hesitate to act accordingly though if he reacts badly

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 15/05/2018 21:20

Feeling a little better, helped by dp cooking me dinner, doing all the washing up and then giving me a back massage. I really hope this is an end to it. For the record, I haven’t stopped him seeing DD. He’s not a bad Dad. But he’s pushed me and pushed me for so long and I think this was the final straw. Hopefully now it’s all come to a head it’ll all settle down and I can start to get past this

OP posts:
Veterinari · 15/05/2018 23:51

Well done OP, hope you feel better soon Flowers

Coyoacan · 16/05/2018 03:27

Well done, OP. Some of the posters here have been outrageous, relentlessly defending the abuser. And personally I don't think it is your dd's interests to have her mother harrassed and their plans always being dropped at the last minute to pander to his man.

emmyrose2000 · 16/05/2018 07:05

Well done, OP. Hopefully things will be a bit smoother now.

I think it’s caught up with me today. Raging headache, swollen throat, feel horribly sick and just absolutely drained. Like I haven’t slept for a month. Everything hurts
This is quite normal. Many years ago I supported a friend through an incredibly difficult situation (nothing custody related). On the day I knew it was to be solved I woke up feeling as though I'd been simultaneously hit by a bus and had developed the worse case of flu ever. It's amazing how much we internalise stressful things without realising it until it's all over and we can let it all go.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 16/05/2018 07:08

Thank you Flowers. I think I’d become desensitised to what he’d been doing, because I’d put up with it for so long. He does a very convincing act of being Mr Perfect, butter wouldn’t melt, poor me. I feel like I’m coming out of a fog and seeing things clearly. Which probably sounds really stupid. Still don’t feel 100%, but at least I know he’s been spoken to now and hopefully things will improve

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 16/05/2018 08:04

Ready Why does he do that? By Lundy. Its a really interesting book, and gives you a better perspective on his behaviour.

MissStegosaurus · 16/05/2018 08:12

You're an amazing mum to stand up to the abuse that this utter bastard has been meting out to you for years. Its utterly disgusting to see the number of women on mumsnet lining up to defend an abusive man and suggest you should bend over backwards to accommodate him. Not eveyone in the forces is a fucking hero.

Ive noticed Calf on other threads. I remember the name as i was so gobsmacked that someone can be so invested in trying to convince women to put up with abusive behaviour to placate the abuser.

Wallywobbles · 16/05/2018 10:14

Yup Calf is very prolific and generally annoys the shit out of everyone and thereby succeeds in derailing every thread she posts on.

Boffin90 · 16/05/2018 12:29

I see your predicament but as somebody who grew up in the army lifestyle...
What if he had to go away on operational duty for say 6 months?
You wouldn’t be able to call him back.

I know many won’t agree as they have no idea of military life but it isn’t black and white.

You seem level headed and if your daughter has a great relationship with him then I would continue to try and be as flexible as possible as long as it was around his job and not his private desires and pursuits.

She will have to understand at some point that Dad has a job that can often take him away and mean plans have to change. It doesn’t mean he isn’t a committed Dad.
Many a birthday or Christmas was spent without my father. We all lead different lives.

I hope that he extends the same courtesy in return if ever your plans need to change.

Good luck OP xx

Boffin90 · 16/05/2018 12:30

All that said, the bullying aspect is not something you should ever tolerate!
That’s a different matter!!

combatbarbie · 16/05/2018 13:08

Given my username it's pretty obvious I am serving. We are on pretty slow time activity just now with not having afghan/Iraq to worry about.

I'm not sure why he's finding it so difficult to be honest.....the forecast for the regiments are set for at least 3 months in advance. If he's been in 10yrs he will have done all his trade training. Promotion courses are usually a 2 week course and then a 5 day education which are loaded six weeks prior. Duties all staff are supposed to complete non availability for the month ahead.

Has he actually told his OC....not the CO(too high...) that he has an enforceable court order??? We have dealings with these and do try to accommodate them but if we're on exercise then that's one of those things but duties etc is his own doing to sort out!

Sounds like he's taking the piss and just being daddy when he wants to be.

CalF123 · 16/05/2018 15:34

@MissStegosaurus

All I've done is present a different perspective based on decades of experience in this field working with both separated mothers and fathers. I can tell you that it's very, very common for one of the partners to put petty personal grievances before the interests of the child.

Maintaining contact with both parents is in the best interests of the child in all but ththe most extreme cases, and all I've done here is say that everything possible should be done to enable the DD to maintain contact she enjoys and benefits from with her father. A court is certainly not going to look at a list of phone calls and stop contact on that basis.

MissStegosaurus · 16/05/2018 15:40

No comment on the effect on the child of the fathers actions in abusing and controlling the mother then?

Xenia · 16/05/2018 15:41

I still don't see what is so special about this man that he can't do what the rest of us full time working parents have to do - pay for full time childcare even if we work at a loss that week.

if he can't meet his weekend and has chosen not to have leave cleared properly at work because he wants to contine to control his ex (which seems the most likely explanation) then he needs to find avery good weekend nanny who can have the child when he lets his child down and the mother has made her plans or indeed the mother is working or indeed if she joined up too the mother were away on service that weekend.

CalF123 · 16/05/2018 16:16

@Xenia

We all know armed forces personnel can't just take 'leave' whenever they feel like it, so no he can't do what other full-time parents would in that sense.

He could engage a full time nanny, but I suspect if he did so his partner would be on here complaining about her being cared for by a stranger instead of a parent.