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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this back to court?

608 replies

Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:24

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

OP posts:
Xenia · 16/05/2018 16:19

People said above you can get your court order logged into the forces system and he doesn't seem to have done that.

I had to pay for full time childcare including when I worked abroad on business trip to places like Iran. Army people and other workers who work away who are widowed have to do that too and sometimes use boarding school and certainly have nannies and au pairs and it is very very expensive to fund it but you just have to if you can't make the dates you promised. If I didn't fix that child care for mine they would have been in care as their father chose never to have them.

combatbarbie · 16/05/2018 16:36

From the process I have seen in my time, at the court stage, they are either accompanied by a junior officer or a letter given to explain that the needs of the service will come first but the unit will accommodate any other time.

I would take him back to court and ask for a contact plan to be given the month before-if there is a fastball and he cannot do that weekend then he misses it end of-don't barter and swop, it's too much hassle.

As for leave, your saying CO so I'm guessing army, I've yet to go to a unit where there is not set leave on the events plan for Easter, summer and Christmas. All unit tasks are planned around those periods!!

Sounds like he needs to sort his admin out. Are you getting maintenance?

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 16/05/2018 17:03

FUCK OFF CALF. Where have I said I didn't want him to see DD? Far from it. You are an antagonistic, bullying prat. Not much better than he is really.
Yes he's army. And claims never to know when he'll be allowed to take leave. I have always been flexible, but to be told that he doesn't know when he can see DD for the next 4 months is just ridiculous.
For those of you that have been helpful and understanding, thank you. Unfortunately 1 stupid pathetic individual feels the need to ruin what good has come from this thread.

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 16/05/2018 17:19

Well then he's what I would class as an admin vortex and oxygen thief...he knows....he's playing games with you.

Honestly formalise it, request 2 weekend dates and any leave periods a month in advance. Maybe just a solicitors letter will be enough, if not get back to court. You can't put yours or dds life on hold "Just in case"

Qcumber · 16/05/2018 17:19

Cal comes up on loads of threads 'just offering a different perspective'. Or in other words being antagonistic. Definitely just ignore. Hopefully they'll get bored of disagreeing with people on mumsnet eventually...

CalF123 · 16/05/2018 17:34

@Qcumber

If you actually bothered to look at all of my posts, you'd see I agree with the OP in most cases.

MissStegosaurus · 16/05/2018 17:47

Some people just like winding up women who are having a hard enough time as it is. Luckily op you've got your head on straight and can ignore such tomtwattery.

Veterinari · 16/05/2018 20:16

If you actually bothered to look at all of my posts, you'd see I agree with the OP in most cases.

Interesting that that’s your perception considering you’ve caused the OP significant distress. Ever thought a out just being decent and kind rather than posting like an antagonistic goady fucker?

GnotherGnu · 16/05/2018 23:50

We all know armed forces personnel can't just take 'leave' whenever they feel like it, so no he can't do what other full-time parents would in that sense.

And yet we have a post not far above yours, CalF, from someone who actually knows the current situation with the army and the way they deal with court ordered child arrangements, and who says that at the moment he could arrange leave relatively easily.

There seems to be a pattern when you come on threads that you decide to follow a contrarian agenda principally by totally ignoring facts that don't support that agenda. This would seem to be another instance of it.

elephantscanring · 17/05/2018 15:54

CombatBarbie - what a helpful post! So it can be done. and this is more proof that IOP's ex is being a lyin, controlling dick.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 20/05/2018 08:28

He's actually mental. Just woken up to an email the equivalent of war and peace from him. Apparently the CMS have told him he doesn't have to pay me anything for 2 months, inviting me to mediation (court didn't order this previously due to DA) and basically playing the poor me card. I'm speechless and seriously pissed off!

OP posts:
Veterinari · 20/05/2018 09:05

Hang in there OP. Deep breaths.
He’s just trying to win power over you

Lonecatwithkitten · 20/05/2018 09:17

If the CMS have told him to pay you will get a schedule of what he has to pay when. Often yes it is nearly two months to the first payment, my Ex was told what to pay on 25/4 this year his first payment is due 1/6.
But they can use this to play games mine has paid his June payment ready, but a different amount to what CMS have said so I have no idea when money will be coming or how much. But I can guarantee that he will arrange to never be in arrears.
Keep up the grey rock.

Gemini69 · 20/05/2018 10:02

Read your thread OP...... I’m shocked at the twisted nature of your Ex..... stay strong and make your own enquiries and get legal assistance quickly

HebeJeeby · 20/05/2018 11:45

Op, go for an attachment of earnings order if he stops paying CMS, if they still exist, or get CMS to deduct it themselves. Yes you’ll pay a fee (so will he) but at least it’s one less thing for you to have to deal with him about and takes away his bit of control. No court in the land would tell him to stop paying

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 30/05/2018 12:19

Feeling very very sick. Not only has he continued to text/call my Mum after explicitly being told not to, I've had a letter from the CMS today. His take home pay is £1100 a WEEK. And he's been paying me £60 a week. I feel sick that I've fallen for his lies, and that for the past 4 years he's been laughing at my stupidity whilst I half kill myself to feed and clothe my daughter

OP posts:
JohnnyKarate · 30/05/2018 12:24

Oh OP I have only just caught up with this. What a worthless waste of space.

I kno it's not much use to you but just know that you're a much better person than him Flowers

JohnnyKarate · 30/05/2018 12:29

Also I don't know if you can you get your CMS payments backdated to cover the shortfall he's not paid over the years?

Someone more knowledgeable may know. My mum got back payments from my dad but I know that was because he didn't pay enough and would withhold payment for months at a time.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 30/05/2018 13:56

CMS can't backdate payments. I feel so so sick. What sort of scumbag earns that sort of money and doesn't want to provide for his child? I'm genuinely at a loss. I think this might just tip me over the edge Sad

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 30/05/2018 14:06

You can't change the past only the future, you now know exactly what type of man he is. Channel this energy in to get the contact sorted.
All cliches, but really the best revenge is making a good life. My ExH has been the same under paying maintenance till I got CMS involved, some bad stuff involving contact and none of the problems are his fault. What irritates him most us in spite of everything he has done I have made a good and happy life for myself and DD.

Tistheseason17 · 30/05/2018 14:50

Stay strong, OP . You can do it. Please get in touch with services that can support you like Women's Aid

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 30/05/2018 15:36

I don't feel like I can justify contacting Women's Aid. I know what he's done/is doing is wrong, but there are women out there who need their help and support more than me

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 30/05/2018 15:43

Stop minimising his bullying and harassment of you Flowers no woman is more deserving than another, just different

RabbitsAreTasty · 30/05/2018 15:52

You calling Women's Aid for a chat doesn't deprivr anyone else of their services.

Have you called the welfare officer to explain that the chat has resulted in worse behaviour? I reckon they will take a very dim view of his disobedience.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 30/05/2018 18:11

I literally want to run away from everything and everyone. I don't understand how that one letter has just been the last straw

OP posts:
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