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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this back to court?

608 replies

Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:24

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 13/05/2018 21:25

Help your mum block him and get this new barrage of harassment recorded.

Some of the replies in this thread are shocking. I have no experience of army life but he sounds like an abusive nightmare.

Going back to court to get a new CAO is necessary because he is following the abusers script. He wants OP to be available just in case he's available and not to ever be unavailable. He doesn't want to have to give notice, ask nicely or entertain the possibility that his dd may not be available. OP needs the judge to tell him that she was perfectly reasonably to book a holiday or whatever based on the previous CAO which he instigated. Perhaps she is hoping that the judge has ruled on cases involving people on the forces so will be able to craft a CAO that works for both parents? 4 months is a long time not to see Daddy but she can't rearrange his weekends because he's not sure what he can commit to either. My children are older but definitely happier to know when they were going to see Dad. It might not be the EOW that civilian Dads can commit to but it would be nice for the dd to be able to look at a calendar and see a date when she'll see him, however distant the date is.

GnotherGnu · 14/05/2018 00:33

Why can't you mother block him?

But she needs to take screen shots of his messages first. If you have to go to court, him saying he won't communicate with you using the means you have set up will show just what sort of a controlling arsehole he is.

Veterinari · 14/05/2018 06:11

Block his messages. Report to the police for harassment.

Stay strong OP - you can do this and break free Flowers

Hortonlovesahoo · 14/05/2018 06:25

Agree with Gnother Gnu. Record all of this. Would women’s aid be of help at this time?

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 14/05/2018 06:26

I’ll be attempting to contact the welfare officer again today. I just feel broken. I managed to convince my Mum to forward me the messages from him, and I just cry every time I read them. Am I a perfect parent? God no, nowhere near. But my DD is my world, everything I do is for her. And to hear him slagging me off, saying I’m not putting DD first hurts so much.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 14/05/2018 06:34

Good luck today, you are doing well (even if it doesn't feel like it) keep strong!

KnobJockey · 14/05/2018 07:44

Justonedayatatime11 that is exactly what he's aiming for. I've been there personally, they go for a scattergun of insults, see what hurts and causes reaction and that's what they use from then on.

The only way I found to get through it was to have boundaries, enforce them when needed, but apart from that,ignore. Think of him as the equivalent of a 7 year old calling you names until you retaliate.

I use to try to argue back and explain, didn't do any good- it was never about the problem at hand, it was because they can no longer control you. So I set my boundaries to no physical violence, and no threat of it- that got reported to the police, and charges pressed. Apart from that, ignore. It meant my ex Gabe up seeing his DD, as the control meant more to him than her, but at least she hasn't grown up with that controlling role model, which is worth all of it.

SavageBeauty73 · 14/05/2018 09:09

Please get your mum to block him; my parents blocked my similar ex.

Stay strong. He wants a reaction from you. X

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 14/05/2018 09:14

I think my Mum is concerned about blocking him, in case something were to happen to DD when she’s with him and he can’t contact her. Not feeling a lot of support from my mum unfortunately, she thinks it’s all a bit petty.

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 14/05/2018 10:30

Perhaps get another phone/sim that you only look at whilst she's with him. Turned off the rest of the time.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 14/05/2018 17:34

So I spoke to the army welfare officer and couldn’t have found anyone nicer and more helpful. He’s advised that it would be better for them to have a ‘chat’ with him, rather than the police. However, he also said his concern would be the possible repercussions. So he’s going to give me a call back tomorrow so I’ve got some time to think about it.
He reassured me that I’m doing all the right things, and that exh shouldn’t be using work as an excuse, particularly when it’s something I know nothing about, so have no idea what he’s saying is true and what’s not.
I’m still not sure which way to go next, but I’m feeling better just for knowing that I’m not in the wrong

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 14/05/2018 18:12

Well done!

Hortonlovesahoo · 14/05/2018 19:15

Well done OP! Its good that the army welfare officer could help. Thinking realistically: what’s the worse that could happen if they do have a word with him? He tries to intimidate you further and gives you more ammunition to go back to court with?

You need to do what’s best for you and your DD. If I were you, I’d be doing both lines of investigation and getting them to have a word as well as getting enough information to go Back to court

sparklepops123 · 14/05/2018 19:16

Great news,well done for contacting them. If he's negative again in any way make sure you let them know. Good for you 😀

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 14/05/2018 19:30

What confused me most, was that when the welfare officer discovered his regiment, he said they had a yearly schedule... so I’m intrigued as to how the sudden ‘I don’t know when I can see dd for the next 4 months’ came about... I think I’m going to agree to them talking to him and hope that gives him enough of a kick up the arse to know I’m not taking his crap anymore

OP posts:
charlestonchaplin · 14/05/2018 19:41

I asked you before what you hope to achieve by going back to court. The judge can't force him to stick to 'his' days. Even if they force him to produce his schedule and make the order based on that, they still can't make him turn up on those days. The best I can see them doing is telling him not to contact you to change arrangements from what is in the court order. I can only see the court order giving you a bit more confidence to do what you can already do now, but maybe I am completely missing the point.

sparklepops123 · 14/05/2018 19:49

The point is he's happy to screw with the head Of his child's mother - probably gives him a rise - I guarantee he wouldn't say boo to a goose to an army official. He's a coward and a prick

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 14/05/2018 19:52

Be wary of keeping it unofficial. In the forces, that can easily mean doing nothing at all, but making the right noises so the civvies don't make a fuss.

charlestonchaplin · 14/05/2018 19:53

I agree with the welfare officer speaking to him, for sure, but that's got nothing to do with going back to court to vary the order.

charlestonchaplin · 14/05/2018 19:55

If the bad behaviour doesn't stop the OP can still go to the police. The hope is that he is concerned enough about his job and chances of promotion to start behaving himself.

KTheGrey · 14/05/2018 20:18

So the Welfare Officer sounds like he's going to clarify matters with your ex a lot. Hope he gets back to you with good news. Well done OP.

fuzzyfozzy · 14/05/2018 21:55

I agree with being clear about what you want.
No aggressive behaviour
No contacting mother
Contact days are agreed subject to his work
Other days will not be swapped if you have plans.
If he can't stick to what you want you step the action back up.
But I think realising he's an arse and will always be one is necessary

RadioGaGoo · 14/05/2018 22:15

'The only reason I can see he'd have gone for COA in that case then would have been if he couldn't see his DD'

Oh come off calfF123. You bought this up late in your posts and after someone else posted it.

elephantscanring · 14/05/2018 23:47

Well done for ringing the welfare officer, op. Good result. Keep on keeping on. Your ex is a lying, controlling twat. But you are a star.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 15/05/2018 10:28

Waiting for call back from welfare officer. Think I’m going to agree to them talking to him first and hope it has the required effect. Maybe then he’ll see that I’m serious about not putting up with his bullying anymore. Fingers crossed

OP posts:
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