AIBU to take this back to court?

[Justonedayatatime11]

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

Fuck off Calf. Who the hell do you think you are? I’ve been nothing but flexible, to my own detriment. But for him to say he doesn’t know when he can see DD for the next 4 months, you think I should just roll over and play dead? Fuck you. Clearly you have NO experience of manipulative abusive bullies.

OP, just what I was going to say.

Ignore CalF - like I said earlier. her advice is very odd on all threads I have seen her on.

CalF, have you not read the thread at all?? OP has SAID she has been flexible for years. I don't think her ex's job has changed. He has the option to have the CAO enforced but HE has chosen not to do that. He HAS been harassing the OP by phone, being abusive and threatening, and ringing her mum and lying to her.

It's pretty clear OP has been putting her dd first in all of this and has been giving in to all her ex's requests for an easy life.

Now, there's absolutely nothing he can do about not sticking to it as it's outside his control completely.

But, according to him, it isn't. He could get leave to accommodate the order, he just doesn't choose to do so.

For the record, his job has not changed. He knew then that he wouldn’t be able to adhere to the CAO. He is the one refusing to have the CAO enforced, because promotion is clearly more important than DD.

Jobs never change though. You’ll stay the same throughout your career in the forces. Promotions happen of course

I’ve asked if he got the order because he wasn’t able to see his daughter? That’s why he got it. Otherwise he wouldn’t have tried in the first place. All AF people know they are at the mercy of the operation/unit wherever they are based. This shouldn’t deter them from seeking a court order though if they can’t see their children

The suggestion of emailing specific dates to him when dd isn’t available for certain is very good advice.

Unless a serviceman is permanently based on a posting with Monday to Friday job (very rare) then they will be 100% have to forgo their commitment to seeing their kids on a consistent basis. Jobs like these are very rare and hard to come by.

The way i see this situation and please correct me if I'm wrong op, is that you are happy to make your daughter available for contact on the weekends she is supposed to see her dad. (whether this happens or not is besides the point).

However if you make plans for one of "your" weekends and he suddenly decides he wants to see dd you feel unable to say no because he will become aggressive.

I get the impression you just want to be able to say no in these circumstances without fear of ramifications?

My point being he will never ever (until he leaves) be able to see your DD on a set day. I’d be shocked if his Barrister claimed otherwise.

This is at the heart of my confusion regarding your post. As I’ve never heard of this being authorised.

If the forces prioritised children they wouldn’t send service men/women away for months at a time. It’s not that they are against them it’s just the armed forces main priority is to protect our country. Nothing comes above it.

Ok, an example for you. The 2 weekends in June that DD is meant to be with him, he can’t have her. However, we have plans for the 2 weekends that she is meant to be with us. One weekend of which has been paid for. He feels that I should cancel these plans. If I say no he becomes verbally aggressive, threatens to withhold maintenance and makes me out to be selfish, and a bad parent. This happens All. The. Time. And for years I’ve allowed him to bully me into giving in. But to be told I shouldn’t make any plans for the next 4 months because he doesn’t know when he can or can’t have her? That’s just wrong.

And yes Surfingwhippet I always make sure DD is available on the weekends she is meant to be with him, I’ve never once told him no.

The only reason I can see he'd have gone for COA in that case then would have been if he couldn't see his DD. Were you refusing contact OP?

Op

As a side issue although I stand by my previous posts I would also say that of course you should not cancel things you have planned and paid for etc not at all

Denying access for those reasons is perfectly acceptable.

You don’t need to take BS. Just keep a record of all the communication. Infact tell him you are doing so. If you do talk to him, hang up if he is rude.

Unfortunately he will always have the excuse of his job and he will be able to make it stick in front of a judge.

A good way forward is to give him your dates in advance that are a definite no no. I know it’s frustrating and making you mad that he seems to be able to do what he wants but don’t let him use your emotional energy.

Also he can’t stop maintenance paid through the AF. Not a chance!

No I was not. Never have done, never will do. Yet again, this was more controlling behaviour on his part. But clearly wouldn’t expect you to understand that Calf, in your eyes it would appear he can do no wrong!

So don’t wait for him to come to you with July, August and September. Book and plan what you want now and send him the dates stating these are definite no nos

That puts the ball in his court

If he is very abusive via text, kindly tell him you will screenshot and email all the copies to his boss.

Believe me it wouldn’t be hard to get the details!

OP you sound like you are making every effort to be reasonable with him. It sounds like he is under the impression that his job allows him to pick and choose whatever weekend he likes but this is not the case. I cant see how others think your not being flexible.
It sounds like you just want the best for your dd and I don't think anyone can argue that having a set routine so you dd knows when she will see him is not beneficial.
Bullies always get worse when you try stand up to them so I can imagine the aggression/frustration he feels because you are no longer dancing to his tune it will get worse in the short term but hopefully when he realises the reaction is the same from you whatever way he approaches the situation will be better in the long term.
Hope you get it sorted.

I get you completely OP.
My ex is so unreliable and in the early days would tell me “can’t have ds on Saturday I’m away/at a party”
I’d make plans and at lunch time Saturday he would ring and say he would pick ds up in an hour”

Any disagreement from me was met with threats. Barrage of vile texts and the icing on the cake “how dare you deprive me of time with my son, I’m more important than any of your plans”

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Say you need x number of weeks notice, that way you are agreeing to a degree of flexibility but aren’t being bullied into submission but say changes must be an exception. Then stonewall.

Don’t engage at all even though I know it’s very hard not to defend yourself or reason with him.

You absolutely cannot reason with unreasonable!

How are you doing this morning OP?

Not great. Too scared to check the email address I gave him. I tried calling the welfare officer a number of times yesterday but no answer. I just feel helpless. I know damn well he’ll turn this around and make out that I’m the one in the wrong. Feel very very down and low.

Hang in there OP. It will be tough, but you’ll get through it and once you’ve established the new contact rules it will be much easier for you and your DD.

Think of yourself as Supernanny returning the tantrumming toddler to bedtime Your ex is a tantrumming toddler. Stay calm and consistent and accept that he’ll lash out - but that’s because he’s losing his grip on you.

You’re breaking free. You can do this

Maybe write it all down so you can see it clearly.

• you’re trying to maintain stability for your daughter
• you’re abiding by the agreement
• he is harassing you and trying to intimidate you

He does such a convincing act that he’s the wronged party. It’s only been in the past year that my own Mum has actually realised what he’s capable of. I just feel very overwhelmed. I’m seeing a solicitor on Thurs next week so hopefully i’ll get some answers one way or another

I would email him something very succinct.

Dear X

You applied for a CAO on x date which stipulates EOW and half annual leave.

The dates I have to make DD available in the next 4 months are ......
She will be available for contact as Lee the CAO and she is looking g forward to the contact.

I am willing to be flexible with a weeks notice to swap weekends. However please be ware on these dates, as per the CAO when dd should be with me, we have prior arrangements and they are not available to swap.

If I do not have 1 full weeks notice that you cannot meet the stipulations if the CAO for contact I will assume you are available or you have made alternative childcare arrangements for DD as I do during the time it's stipulates I am responsible for her care.

Our current CSA arrangement is based on the number of days dd resides with you as per the CAO.

If the number of days needs to decrease due to your work commitments to allow for promotion then we will need to get this reassessed.

Regards
Xxxx

It shows you'll be flexible, shows you won't sit around waiting for him, constantly refers to the CAO he sought (I might even add 'you sought' after every reference to it 😂) but also refers to 'us' and 'we' so show you see yourselves as parenting team. And sometimes the threat of higher maintenance is enough to encourage NRP to suddenly be available!

So, now that he can’t contact me, he’s moved on to bombarding my mum with messages. One which is so long it’s ridiculous, accusing me of narcissistic behaviour, trying to ‘shut him out of my perfect little life’. Also stating that he will NOT ever be contacting me using the email address I’ve provided him with. Claiming I don’t have DDs best interests in mind.
I’m drained. So fucking drained and lost and just defeated. I feel like I’m never going to be free of him. If he can’t get to me then he moves on to my family.

Oh, and that the extra nights where he’s asked for DD and I’ve said yes, I should be paying him maintenance as it’s more nights that the CAO states. Funny how the CAO counts when he wants it too, but not when it doesn’t suit him.

Block it out OP. He’s trying to get a reaction any way he can. I’d suggest that your mum blocks him as well.