AIBU to take this back to court?

[Justonedayatatime11]

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

He can ask for what he wants, doesn't mean he'll get it. He's trying to mess with your head- don't let him

Stick to your guns and produce evidence he doesn't even fulfil his current commitment

My head is wrecked. I'm a mess. I don't know what's right anymore. All I want is some consistency, and his statement in the court papers makes me out to be completely unreasonable and that he's the one missing out. I don't know which way to turn any more. He always wins

Get your diary out all those dates you changed, all the times he cancelled. The message saying the 4 months of the summer is going to have to change. This your evidence you want consistency for your child so though know when they will see their dad.

Agree with lonecat: time to get your facts out.

• how many times has he cancelled/ changed plans?
• how many times have you accommodated his shit?
• amount of abuse (text messages, phone calls, time with the solicitor).

Come with a game plan with your solicitor for what you’re going to do. You need to register EvERYTHING , including the messages at nursery and your daughters unhappiness for going with him

More time = less CSA. I'd bet that's his plan.

Sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor bawling my eyes out after a 45 minute phone call with Cafcass. The sheer relief of getting out everything I've kept bottled up for so long was both liberating and draining.
I'm in court in 15 days. The Cafcass advisor doesn't feel he stands any chance of getting any more time when he already can't stick to what he's currently meant to have. Just to remind me why I'm doing this, I had a text on Friday to tell me he 'probably' won't be able to have DD next weekend but he'll let me know for definite next Friday night. How is that consistent or reliable?!
On the downside, Cafcass want to speak to DD as they feel this may be having an effect on her. I just want it all to be over so we can get on with our lives

Almost there, keep thinking of your DD. What she tells them will be the truth and enhance why you're going through this pain. Take care of yourself x

Agree with @deegeedee. Your DD will be able to tell them in her own words what she feels and that'll help.

I feel so guilty though that it's got to a point where Cafcass feel they want to speak to her. This isn't what I wanted for DD at all.

Talking to your dd will help prevent him from accusing you of parental alienation later.

Stay strong.

Please don’t be afraid of CAFCASS talking to dd. They were wonderful to my son and it really got things moving on his side x

Court is a week today and I feel like my body is shutting down. I have a manky eye, swollen throat, lumps in my mouth, terrible skin and feel absolutely drained. I just want this to be over. WHY can't he just see that all I want is consistency and security for DD? Why does it have to turn into character assassination and solicitors that are costing thousands? I don't know how much more I can take

You’ll get through it. You’ve been amazing so far.

You've got this OP. Make sure that you're giving yourself down down time too if you can to get your head together.

Remember this is all about facts.

Set up an email regarding DD’s contact and tell him, state all communication will be through email and keep all messages.

Buy your daughter a cheap mobile to take with her on contact so that she can contact the other parent.

Block his number from your phone.

Op you do not have to put up with abuse from him and having everything written down and non verbal will produce unarguable evidence; take him to court.

I’ve just seen the ra st of the thread sorry for the out of date post - you’re a strong lady OP, keep fighting! X

Keep on keeping on love - you're doing brilliantly! He's a arse who is trying everything he can to upset you, but he won't win. Hugs and and and

Thing is, I'm STILL questioning myself. Even now. Am I blowing it out of proportion? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just let him have DD as and when he wants? I'm so confused. I don't know whether I am in the wrong or whether this is just the years of mental torture catching up

OP: what would you say if this was a friend of yours? You are doing everything right by your DD by trying to give her structure and consistency.

You're not putting yourself through this for no reason, you're doing it to give your DD a stable future. Make sure that you have all the facts written down and that his abuse is known to the courts.

No he is being completely unreasonable!!!

It is fair and reasonable and normal to have contact agreed, set out in advance and adhered to.

You cannot live your life according to his whims, of course you are doing the right thing.
Your daughter deserves stability and a Mum who isn’t tense waiting for him to change things again.

OP, you DO know that you are NOT in the wrong for wanting what is best for your child! NO you are not blowing anything out of proportion. The constant self-doubt is from years of mental torture that he has and is still putting you through. Your DD has already made it clear that she doesn't want to spend a full week with him, he is not doing right by either of you and she seems as scared of him as you are. He has lied to you about not knowing his schedule in advance and about his finances which impacts your life and finances. He is clearly abusive and trying to control everyone. DO NOT let him control you and your thoughts any longer!!

Hi OP I never normally comment on these threads as I have no experience of abuse and court etc but just wanted to let you know there are people thinking about you and wishing you well.

You are strong - you've put up with criminal (literally) abusive behaviour against you for years which would have broken a lot of people, and it's clear even with no experience of this type of situation that all you've done and all you continue to do is in the best interests of your daughter. That she is bright and happy is solely down to your parenting.

You can do this. You've done great so far. You can see it through. One day he will be out of your life for good.

Best of luck

Cheering you on here too.

As previously said. I'm in France and have really been through the family courts system. We won in the end and he lost parental responsibility, but only after 9 years. The courts kept giving him chances, but I really should have pushed for a much tougher line right from the start. So not just defensive but attacking too. Don't go in asking for too little.

For eg ask that if he cannot keep to the schedule, CM should be increased to account for the extra days with you. Or something like that. I clearly should have gone for parental responsibility removal from the first or second court visit.