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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this back to court?

608 replies

Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:24

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 30/05/2018 18:40

Based on your posts I'd say you feel like a mug, embarrassed at what a fool you've been and you want to run away from it all.

Fight, flight, freeze. For a long time you froze, it protected you somewhat. Then you fled, it protected you further. Now you want to flee some more to feel safe. Nope. From now on channel it into fight. He won't know what's hit him.

Pannacott · 30/05/2018 18:52

Ah OP, this is a terrible shock for you. Hot sweet tea, someone to talk to. Eat something. This will get better. This is more evidence of his abuse, that he's still been getting away with, despite you leaving. It must feel very hard to see that he's still hurting you and your DD. It's a lot to process and you won't feel so bad in a few days time.

Take heart that you found this out because you were taking action to stand up to him and look out for your daughter. The actions you have taken will stop him ripping you off financially. Well done. And definitely pursue Women's Aid, you deserve to have support to make sense of what you've been through and to protect yourself in future.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 30/05/2018 20:28

He's now constantly texting my Mum, including photos of his P60, claiming that the CMS 'have made a massive mistake'.
I just feel drained. This has been going on for 4 and a half years.
Fortunately I found a lovely local solicitor this afternoon who is going to see me tomorrow. This has destroyed my confidence, not that I had a lot to begin with, and I feel like I've just gone backwards with everything. He still feels he can control me.

OP posts:
Marmablade · 30/05/2018 20:34

You are putting your DD first. When this is all sorted out and feels a long way in the past you can remind yourself you were the best mum you could be to her.

ziggiestardust · 30/05/2018 20:45

I thought the CMS could backdate payments? My colleague owes a subtantial amount and has to pay £££ a month because of the arrears. So he says the CMS have told him he doesn’t have to pay maintenance? Great, wait for their letter telling you that.

Go back to the welfare officer, and explain what’s been going on. Say if you have this happen again; you’ll be forced to go to the police. Also ask if you can have the welfare officer’s email address so that you can contact them via email in future, you’ll want evidence in court.

Push forward with the solicitor and I’d have a serious thought about a contact centre. He sounds very aggressive when things don’t go his way, I’d want someone keeping an eye on things.

I used to be military; we had a long-look calendar available on the shared drive. You did know roughly what was coming up. Additionally; the armed forces are not allowed to discriminate against you because you have a child. His promotion would not be affected unless he was unable to take a qualifying course; something which would be booked several months in advance, and something which I am sure you would flex for in that case if it was necessary.

RandomMess · 30/05/2018 20:49

Thanks just keep going one step at a time, you will get there, it will get sorted, CMS can attach an earnings order, court can award more appropriate contact.

KTheGrey · 30/05/2018 22:39

He is very abusive and you should not feel responsible for any of his awful behaviour.

Well done on getting a solicitor involved, and even better if you go back to the army family liaison officer and tell him all about this latest letter, and that he has continued to harass your mother. You have allies, make sure you keep reporting his conduct to them. Keep on keeping on.

Lonecatwithkitten · 31/05/2018 07:52

I remember the running away feeling, sadly these men keep going unless you stand up to them. Lying down and letting them 'win' as such does not help.
Talk to the solicitor I suspect that he will advise going to the police. I couldn't see it was control until my solicitor pointed that out.
That phase of my life was so hard, but it was worth getting maintenance and contact sorted and we are now mostly out the other side.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 31/05/2018 19:23

Solicitor was FABULOUS! No confusing legal speak, just very straight up and honest. He will be getting a letter outlining a number of things, she's confirmed that I've been more than reasonable/accommodating and that I've got nothing to be concerned about. Feel so so much better

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 31/05/2018 20:03

Good for you 💐

Tistheseason17 · 31/05/2018 20:22

Brilliant news, OP 😊

Pannacott · 31/05/2018 21:57

Very pleased to hear that. It must feel great to know that you have power in this situation - he hasn't got all the control.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 01/06/2018 08:38

He hasn't paid Angry despite all the assurances from the CMS that he'd been told to pay today, by standing order, he hasn't. The utter bastard. My direct debits have bounced and DD is crying her eyes out because I'd promised her we'd go to the cinema today. Now the CMS are saying I may not receive anything until September. How the fuck do they expect people to survive??

OP posts:
auntyflonono · 01/06/2018 08:58

Your mum should talk to the police about his harassment!

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 01/06/2018 09:17

I've just spoken with the army welfare officer again. Explained that he is continuing to contact my Mum after explicitly being told not to, and that he hasn't paid his maintenance. To say he sounded pissed off would be an understatement.... he's gone to attempt to track him down but has told me to go ahead and get the police to caution him if needs be

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 01/06/2018 09:34

Good for you, he sounds a complete moron

sparklepops123 · 01/06/2018 14:41

Any update op?

Yamayo · 04/06/2018 10:02

Hope things are looking up OP.

SassyPants · 14/06/2018 06:44

Any update OP? How are things going?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/06/2018 08:14

You would be right to feel angry about his appalling behaviour. I hope with the welfare officer and your solicitor’s help you can resolve this in a way that works for you and DD.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 14/06/2018 10:31

So sorry, I haven't updated, things have been difficult to say the least. Right, where to start?
Obviously he challenged the CMS decision, so they're now giving it a mandatory redecision, so waiting to find out what, if anything, he's meant to be paying me.
He, and his parents, received a solicitors letter last week, outlining the fact that I've been more than generous/considerate and that from now on contact would be as the court order states, and if he has to miss a weekend then basically tough. Also outlined he doesn't need to bring his entire family along to do pick up/drop off and stated that the twice weekly Skype calls needed to be reduced to one a week as DD has no interest in the phone. My solicitor promptly received an email from the solicitor who represented him in court saying they'd been reinstructed by him.
He hasn't Skyped DD now for 2 weeks, despite the phone being made available to him, and he's also blocked the email address I set up specifically for contact regarding DD. So I've no idea what's going on currently, but I'm fairly certain he's scheming something. DD now hasn't seen him in 3 weeks.

OP posts:
Baker111 · 14/06/2018 11:21

Well done, it sounds tough, but you’re doing the right thing. The sad thing is the one person missing out is your DD, and it is his fault that is happening. I know it’s hard but keep on going.

Wallywobbles · 14/06/2018 11:55

Well done. The calm between shot storms is really tough. You are doing so well though.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 15/06/2018 13:53

Have just made my solicitor aware of the fact he hasn't contacted DD, and has blocked my email address and she's said he's just making himself look bad. The opportunity for contact is there and he's not taking it. I just wish I could get out of this mindset of feeling like I'm doing something wrong.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 15/06/2018 14:01

You've had over 250 posters telling you your not in the wrong,remember that