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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this back to court?

608 replies

Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:24

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

OP posts:
Motoko · 15/06/2018 14:04

You're not doing anything wrong, it's all him. Your solicitor's right, it does make him look bad, which will be to your advantage if this goes back to court.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 20/06/2018 08:55

Unbelievable. Just had a text from the CMS saying he's now got to pay less than half what they originally told me he would have to, and that he won't have to make payments until the 1st of August. Absolute bloody joke

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 20/06/2018 09:01

Why has the payment been reduced? Has he somehow fudged his income figures?

ferrier · 20/06/2018 18:15

Is that less than he was paying before or more?
To be honest, at £1100 a week I'd expect him to be in a position of some seniority as unless he is, that figure did seem quite high.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 25/06/2018 14:50

There comes a point where you do question why you keep going.
He's sent me a text today, ridiculing everything in my solicitors letter. Making me question myself yet again.
This is my life now. Certainly for the next 12 years at least. And right now, it's not a life I want

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 25/06/2018 15:17

Just I have sat and read your whole thread today; he is an evil bully. And he's not a good dad, your poor little DD. Many people on MN have been your position sadly, all have had to find the courage to get through it; you have done an amazing job.

Was there any more information as to why the maintenance had been cut? how come he can now contact you by text? I think the idea of going through this nightmare now is so that things are better at some point in the future. But sadly none of us can say when that future will be. I admire you so much.

RandomMess · 25/06/2018 15:25

Short term pain for long term gain.

Ignore the texts, it's just more bullying and control FootballThanks

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 25/06/2018 21:35

I don't really know where to go from here. I feel like he's backed me into a corner again, even with the solicitors letter. He keeps on about mediation, which the courts previously deemed unsuitable due to the reasons surrounding our divorce. I just feel like I'll never win.

OP posts:
Sistersofmercy101 · 25/06/2018 21:57

OP you are not in the wrong. You are not doing anything wrong. HE IS.
HE IS IN THE WRONG.
You do not deserve to be, harassed,bullied, frightened or coerced.
HE WAS ABUSIVE... AND HE IS STILL BEING ABUSIVE.
This is NOT your fault. Continue with the cms, continue sticking rigidly to the court order contact /solicitors information and advice.
He does NOT get to get away with this disgraceful and in fact illegal behaviour -if he carries on harassing - CALL THE POLICE. You deserve to live your life free of fear and intimidation! FlowersFlowersFlowers

RandomMess · 25/06/2018 22:00

Block him on the phone, email only. Make DC available for court ordered contact only. If he doesn't like it he can take you to court Thanks

missymayhemsmum · 25/06/2018 22:05

OP, you are doing everything right here. Keep every email, log every call, every letter and keep a diary of events somewhere your daughter can't read it, as you may need to apply for an order stopping contact, and you will need evidence. Try not to base your finances around getting maintenance, if you can, as it gives him leverage.

You are no longer in a relationship with this abusive man, so treat him as a stranger. What he thinks and feels is no longer your problem, except as it affects your daughter. If a stranger abused you and harassed you, you would go to the police.

Womens Aid isn't just for crisis situations, they also run an excellent programme called the freedom programme for women detaching from an abusive man. It will help you get his control out of your head.
When he emails you, print and file, but try not to engage.

Make sure he knows he has a choice. he can pay maintenance, turn up for contact and treat you with respect, or he can carry on being a bullying arse, get a criminal record and lose his role as a father.

Maelstrop · 25/06/2018 22:46

Solicitor needs to get sight of his payslips. Get back in touch with the welfare officer and keep contacting that person til you get some resolution. Your ex is a bullying twat. Don’t let him do this t9 you.

KathyBates · 25/06/2018 23:28

I expect he doesn't earn £1100 a week. He's probably had some extra pay for being deployed/ unpleasant working allowance etc and when they've averaged it out it's showed as £1100 a week. Basing the CMS payment on that figure could make it 'unaffordable' when he receives a normal pay packet.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 26/06/2018 09:35

To be fair, the maintenance is the least of my worries. I just want all of this to stop, and I thought by going through the correct channels and doing things legally then it would help. He clearly has no intention of listening. He's STILL refusing to commit to EOW, saying that it's unrealistic. It's what he bloody asked for. Because I didn't respond to his previous essay of an email (on my solicitors advice) he's now accusing me of not having opened up any channel of communication. I'm just drained. I don't know how to cope with this, I'm lost.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/06/2018 10:09

Grey rock technique

"DD is available for you to collect for contact as per the Court Ordered at x time on x date"

Use the email address you provided him with and block him from your phone - or get new SIM/2nd phone so you have a record of all the harassment,

You can utterly ignore anything he contacts you about, there is a contact order and one of you needs to go to court to vary it.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/06/2018 10:15

I would go back to the welfare officer and ask them, again, to intervene.

Explain that you are trying to go through solicitors and it's quite simple - you just want defined contact and for him to stick to a court order. In return, he is refusing to engage and is harassing you. Send them his email. Be clear in what you're asking - for their help in requesting that he communicate reasonably via solicitors so that you can get a clear fair contact order sorted.

Secondly, ask them if it's possible that they can give you correct information on the likelihood of him being able to get a work schedule which means he can plan in advance - as you believe that he is lying to you.

Basically, don't engage with the prick at all - just go over his head, every time, either via solicitor or to the welfare officer. It WILL work - eventually, he is going to end up disciplined. Let the Army know what he is doing - that's why welfare exists. Rap on the nose. He can't act like this and they will smack him down. But you have to let them know first - and not just once, but the whole story. Then they can act.

Motoko · 26/06/2018 12:09

I agree with Fizzy, contact the welfare officer.

trojanpony · 26/06/2018 12:54

100% Grey rock technique And Fizzys advice
Also do not agree to any kind of mediation with this prick!!!!!!

Ignore his vullshit and follow the lawyers advice also take him to the police for harassment

Wallywobbles · 26/06/2018 15:13

I know it's unimaginable now but one day you'll just pity him. I really have been where you are emotionally and my kids eventually went to court to stop seeing him. And beyond all hope he lost parental responsibility. We've not seen him since Jan 2015. I still find it odd that he's the past.

But it's a long road and all you can do is remove his power to affect you. Ask the welfare officer if it's ok to forward his mails to them. Never reply. Never use two sentences where one word will do. Always emails. Always be preparing for court. Keep and file every email. My obsessive forwarding and keeping of emails allowed my solicitor to use a professional victim defense. It seems to me the actions are never about your daughter. They're just about attacking you.

Bramble71 · 26/06/2018 15:24

Can you find out the address of the Welfare Officer for your husband's regiment/unit and write to them, maybe enclosing a copy of the court order and any other relevant information, explaining the problem. Your ex has no qualms in intimidating you; you have the right to stand up for yourself and your child.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 07/07/2018 09:50

And so it keeps going on and on. He's now had 2 solicitors letters, very clearly stating that he is not to contact me unless in an emergency, and he's continuing to ignore them. Dropped DD off this morning and he's kicked off at me in front of her.
I just don't want to do this anymore.
I literally don't want to be here.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/07/2018 10:14

Can you get someone else to do handovers?

Is he now just getting the weekends as per the CO?

I would tell his welfare officer and explain you are exploring a prohibitive steps order due his threatening abusive behaviour towards you in your own home Thanks

TheMaddHugger · 07/07/2018 10:47

((((((Big Hugs))))

TheMaddHugger · 07/07/2018 10:48

Know someone that had handovers at the local police station. Is that possible ?

Rooberoobe · 07/07/2018 11:19

If you can try and get someone else to do handover.
Although Remember to look at your little one and keep in mind I’m doing this for you. One day in the future she will realise what a bully he is and want nothing to do with him and his lies and intimidation. She too will be stronger because she has a Mum who has been strong enough to show her how to fight him using the correct channels Flowers