Another wedding one. Okay IprobablyABU but I'm a little hurt by lack of invite.

[KichenDancefloor]

My lovely friend-since-school is getting married. We are in our early 40s and thought it would never happen for her, so we are all thrilled on her behalf.

She announced to a bunch of us that she was not going to invite us to the wedding because weddings are, like, expensive and, you know, difficult to organise, so it's just easier if no friends go.
She might think about doing a picnic celebration where everyone brings their own food and drink sometime after the wedding.

She didn't register the looks on our faces. She has been to all of our weddings, eaten the food, drunk the -shedload of booze, danced to the bands etc.

So as not to drip feed, she also has form for wangling herself invites to weddings of acquaintances (she is a bit of a social butterfly) and critiquing the food, speeches, venues, etc. She has been a guest at dozens and dozens of weddings.

So AIBU? Should I just nod and smile and think how lovely that she is doing it her own way, even if that doesn't involve long term friends?

Or ISBU? Wanting a small wedding I understand. But isn't rude for her to tell friends that they won't be invited to the wedding, despite her being a guest at their celebrations? And to do it all without so much as blinking.

That's fine. You'll not need to bother your arses attending a hen do either then!

Sorry, reading that back it sounds as if she is bitchy about other people's weddings. That's not the case. She just loves a good wedding and talking about the details of it afterwards (even if we have no idea who the bride and groom are!). Critiquing was the wrong choice of word.

I hadn't even thought of the hen do. I bet she'll still expect us to organise something (as we have done for each other over the years).

YABU If she can't afford to invite you then she can't afford regardless of the fact that she attended anyone else's .

Oh I bet she will. But a hen do can also be expensive and difficult to organise. Save her and yourselves the bother.

So no friends just family? At least she's not selecting friends and is treating you all equally.

She does sound like a tight ass though and I wouldn't be going to her BYOF picnic. What a cheapskate.

Did you and the others get married a while ago?...As younger brides.

I know some people don't want a big do when they marry at an older age.

I hope she's not expecting a wedding gift.

She could've at least invited you to the evening

I do get why you’re gob-smacked, but I think it’s fine to have a small wedding, if that’s what she wants.

I do think the bring your own food picnic is a cynical ploy to make sure she still gets presents and a hen do and I think that’s off.

It’s a difficult one, really.

I never understand these threads. I always thought a marriage was between two people. How they choose to arrange this is completely up to them.

Yeah she is within her rights to not invite friends, but you are all within YOUR rights to not arrange a hen-do, not attend one SHE arranges (if she arranges one!) not buy her a gift, not buy her a card, and not give to any collection anyone starts for her.

Oh - and you must all refuse to go to the bring-your-own-food-picnic bollocks. As has been said, this is just a way for her to get gifts without actually inviting you to the wedding.

Totally depends on her circumstances. If she has a bazillion immediate family, earns very little and is having a modest wedding in a small venue then her I wouldn't use her lack of funds against her. Presumably you invited her to your wedding because you wanted her there, not to get an invite in return? However, if she's got a teeny tiny family, is spending £££££ on The Dress and then jet setting half way around the world on honeymoon (first class) then she is being completely unreasonable.

A small wedding is absolutely fine. You don't need to have all the bells and whistles if that's what the bride and groom want. It is, however really rude and grabby to organise the bells and whistles, and your friends are expected to foot the bill for them.

I don’t think she is being the least bit unreasonable. Weddings aren’t a tit for tat type of thing.

You aren’t unreasonable not to do a hen do etc.

It depends a lot on your relative financial positions. Does she earn less than the rest of the group? Does her husband-to-be have a low-paid job? If so, and she's planning a small, inexpensive wedding because she and her H2B cannot afford to feed loads of people then you are being a bit mean.
Also, I wonder if she doesn't want the friendship group at her wedding because, actually, you are all very condescending towards her - saying you 'all thought it would never happen' is quite nasty. I wonder if she's had a gutful of the rest of you being all Smug Married at her. Don't forget that if she'd stayed single, you would not have been invited to her wedding, would you?

She doesn't sound particularly lovely to me, OP.
If she wanted a tiny wedding on cost grounds why n earth couldn't she be upfront about it, explain she's very strapped for cash and she's really sorry but it just isn't possible
That's what close friends would do, not waffle on about difficulties as well as expense.
As it is she sounds very self-absorbed and is getting into bridezilla mode early.

So she's had the audacity to accept invites to all of your weddings, when...you know...you all invited her?

Good, because had none of your invited friends accepted their invites, you would all have had pretty shit weddings, wouldn't you?

She on the other hand, has chosen to do things differently and not invite friends, so why the faces?

If you really are 'thrilled on her behalf' that she's getting married, the actual wedding ceremony and after party shouldn't make you any less thrilled really.

I bet she's spent a lot of money attending all your weddings, transport, accommodation, gifts etc? So she doesn't need to reciprocate your generosity in hosting if that's the case. I've eaten and drunk at all my friends weddings and I still didn't feel obliged to invite them to mine because their weddings cost me a small fortune and I just wanted a tiny one.

She’s entitled to have the wedding she wants but she could have put it more tactfully!!
Def don’t go to a hen do
And def do go to the picnic after either - sounds like an awful damp squid idea.
Send a card and wish her well on her marriage and leave it at that

Maybe she's just realised how bloody expensive weddings actually are!

Did anyone say anything

Reading between the lines, I imagine she doesn't want to do the picnic thing at all but she probably did read the faces, and thought she'd better say something to appease you all?

Has she even mentioned a hen do anyway? (to those talking about it).

God if she wants a small wedding she can have a small wedding.

No need to get offended.

You’re in your 40s, not 14, I thought by that age most people just got on with their lives instead of worrying what everyone else was doing.

Weddings aren't a "pay it forward" scenario where you go to other weddings in the expectation that one day you'll reciprocate.

As someone upthread said, she could've been more tactful, but if she's a friend just go along to the picnic with good grace and get her a nice towel set.

It's like the 'adult' version of the 'whole class party' dilemma

I had a small wedding with 15 people - all family and no friends.

I have attended all my friends’ weddings and hen dos and spent an arm and leg doing so.

YABU to think you’re owed an invite to someone’s wedding when no one else is invited. Her choice to have a small wedding and your choice to have a bigger wedding