Another wedding one. Okay IprobablyABU but I'm a little hurt by lack of invite.

[KichenDancefloor]

My lovely friend-since-school is getting married. We are in our early 40s and thought it would never happen for her, so we are all thrilled on her behalf.

She announced to a bunch of us that she was not going to invite us to the wedding because weddings are, like, expensive and, you know, difficult to organise, so it's just easier if no friends go.
She might think about doing a picnic celebration where everyone brings their own food and drink sometime after the wedding.

She didn't register the looks on our faces. She has been to all of our weddings, eaten the food, drunk the -shedload of booze, danced to the bands etc.

So as not to drip feed, she also has form for wangling herself invites to weddings of acquaintances (she is a bit of a social butterfly) and critiquing the food, speeches, venues, etc. She has been a guest at dozens and dozens of weddings.

So AIBU? Should I just nod and smile and think how lovely that she is doing it her own way, even if that doesn't involve long term friends?

Or ISBU? Wanting a small wedding I understand. But isn't rude for her to tell friends that they won't be invited to the wedding, despite her being a guest at their celebrations? And to do it all without so much as blinking.

^^ Exactly.

It doesn’t matter if she went to all your friends’ weddings, drank litres of free champagne and was always the last person on the dancefloor. If she doesn’t want to invite any of you to her wedding, she doesn’t owe it to any of you to invite you.

She doesn’t have to justify it by being broke, or a 40+ bride (shock horror). If that’s the choice she’s made then that’s all there is to it really.

OP I’m afraid you don’t sound like a very good friend to her - first you were condescending about her, saying you never thought it would happen for her, then you say you are “thrilled” for her, but if you genuinely were then you would be happy for her to have whatever wedding she wants! To me it sounds like you’re just annoyed to miss out on a party rather than wanting her to enjoy her special day in her own way.

You got the wedding you wanted; why should she not now have the small wedding she wants? Especially if she can’t afford a big one! If one of my close friends had a wedding for just family, I would be disappointed to miss out on being with her for that important moment in her life, but then go out of my way to do something else special to celebrate with the happy couple - not moan about how they’re not spending money on me!

My wedding:
Closest family members only.
No stag/hen nights.
No flowers.
No photographer.
No posh outfits.
Party back at ours with supermarket catering trays and cake made by my sister.

Just the way we wanted it. Loving other people's weddings does not necessarily mean you feel confident having the limelight turned on you.

How ridiculous that it would be feeling put out because your friend has been upfront and told you she's having a family only wedding as she can't afford a bigger one, and then to use the fact that she has attended other's weddings as your argument??
My DS has been to friends' birthday parties a fair few times in the last 12 months but I couldn't afford to throw one for him and instead only have a small party tea at home with family, so should the other parents and children feel put out and hurt that they've not been invited to a party I can't afford to throw?

I think she could have put it better but it's not for anyone else to dictate how she gets married or who she invites.
Me and DP would gladly sacrifice friendships so that we don't have to go to weddings! By the time you've paid for transport, accommodation, something decent to wear (because I'm always too fat to fit what I wore for the last wedding), a gift, hen / stag do's etc it's bloody expensive. Then there's the angst of either hoping the angelic DC's behave (snowball's chance in hell because big formal weddings are so sodding boring) or finding child care if they're not invited. All for a couple of glasses of cheap wine, some badly cooked chicken and some half defrosted profiteroles. We go to the weddings of people we love and want to wish well / celebrate with - so about 2 in the last 8 years - the rest we politely decline. You're getting off lightly. Rejoice!

If she is ‘the ultimate host and party animal’, then I can see why there would be an expectation that this woman would have an all bells and whistles wedding. I suspect the bride has had a nasty shock when discovering the real cost of organising a wedding, and is disappointed and embarrassed not to be able to throw the big party that everyone expects. This has made her handle things badly with her clumsy message.

Or perhaps there is something else they are saving all their cash for - IVF for example, and they’ve had to sacrifice the big fancy wedding for that, but don’t want to discuss it with you.

If I was in your shoes, I would be huffy too, at first, but then I would get over myself and try to be kind, and look to see if there is more to this.

IMO, Small weddings are the way to go. Less faff, stress & drama. Celebrate your union exactly the way you wish, hopefully without getting into debt to feed and water a hoard of well wishers who in the main just want a good old piss up lol

YABU. People (at least most that is) don't give out invites to their wedding just to get one back no matter the style of weddings. Its all down to the bride and groom how their wedding goes and who is invited. As you have been informed no friends are on the list, there may well be financial issues. Cut some slack and appreciate their decision. Lack of funds are another reason for not holding a grand flying somewhere for the weekend hen do. A meet up in a pub with perhaps a meal would be sufficient to mark the occasion. As for a present, give one if she is a really good friend as you would do with anyone else.

I don’t really understand, to be honest. If this is your long-time friend, and you’re happy for her happiness, why all this tit for tat on wedding invitations, hen dos, and wedding presents? You don’t know what her financial situation might be, that would cause her not to plan a big wedding. Maybe she feels self conscious, as an older bride, and believes she shouldn’t have a big wedding. Maybe they’re saving their money for ivf. Who knows? The point is, if she’s your friend and you love her and are happy for her, none of the other stuff matters.

Me and my betrothed were skint and I certainly didn't want a fuss and there were family complications involving travel and stuff at their own expense. We didn't want to pressurise other people either and arranged a small affair in a lovely place.
Nobody got upset either. They respected our wishes and were very happy for us.
I don't understand these expectations of people wanting invitations to what was to us, about us as it is with your friend.
We had a handful of gatecrashers mind and they paid for everything!!

Not rtwt but by that logic because in future I only want a small wedding I should not have attended my friends/should decline future invites.

It may not be your friend at all. My dh is not very social. He's not comfortable with crowds and would prefer small wedding. We had 7 people at our wedding.
Her dh to be coyld be an abusive man who is isolating her from friends.

There could be an illness in immediate family. They could want money for ANYTHING except repaying you for attending your wedding.
The world doesn't revolve around you in this case, think of your friend and try to be kind.
And as my mother would have said, "don't break your arm patting yourself in the back" regarding not telling RL friends. You've blasted to a much wider audience here.

Is there a chance she was actually quite nervous about telling you all, and it came out wrong? Perhaps she was faking the 'breezy' vibe.

I think I would have blurted out "Oh, but you love weddings."
I agree, OP. It seems off to me.

Her wedding, her day. Quite honestly if you question a friendship it's dead anyway. Move on and don't be bitter.

I don’t think that inviting someone to your own wedding inevitably means you can expect a return invitation. Weddings are expensive, we all know this. How much you spent on yours and inviting her was down to you, she didn’t ask you to. I’d just let her get on with it. I wouldn’t be throwing her a hen, but that’s up to you guys.

Ooh I like the sound of the CF wedding invites wangler thread too.

Her dh to be coyld be an abusive man who is isolating her from friends

This is a good point actually, and happened to a friend of mine. She was a real party person but her wedding was a low key registry office affair. She kept going on about how it was going to be just what she wanted, simple and romantic, just the two of them blah blah (words straight out of the groom’s mouth) but then the day before suddenly realised that no, actually she did want her friends there, and sent out messages asking if we could come after all. Sadly most people were working as it was midweek, or had other commitments.

Her Dh is a horrible selfish bastard but she will do anything for him because she is terrified of losing him and ending up single again. It’s such a shame.

I agree totally with this opinion. No invite no pressy etc xx

This drama is exactly the reason my DP and I just want to go abroad, with closest relatives and that's it. Big party for everyone else after.

I think YABU to think you SHOULD get an invite. Not everyone has the same ideas about weddings. However, I can understand you being upset, friendship wise, at not sharing in her special day especially if you are happy for her.

Perhaps it would be nice to arrange a ladies lunch or a pamper day together instead. Not a hen do, just a mutual meet up, everyone pays for their own food and drinks but you still spend some time together and toast her happiness?

P.s. I agree with the no invite, no pressie mantra everyone is advocating.

By your logic, if you didn't think it was ever going to happen for her (getting married), should she have refused all previous invitations on the basis that she wouldn't be able to invite to her non-existent wedding? That's clearly ridiculous. Presumably she was invited to other weddings because, you know, people actually wanted her to attend?!