Another wedding one. Okay IprobablyABU but I'm a little hurt by lack of invite.

[KichenDancefloor]

My lovely friend-since-school is getting married. We are in our early 40s and thought it would never happen for her, so we are all thrilled on her behalf.

She announced to a bunch of us that she was not going to invite us to the wedding because weddings are, like, expensive and, you know, difficult to organise, so it's just easier if no friends go.
She might think about doing a picnic celebration where everyone brings their own food and drink sometime after the wedding.

She didn't register the looks on our faces. She has been to all of our weddings, eaten the food, drunk the -shedload of booze, danced to the bands etc.

So as not to drip feed, she also has form for wangling herself invites to weddings of acquaintances (she is a bit of a social butterfly) and critiquing the food, speeches, venues, etc. She has been a guest at dozens and dozens of weddings.

So AIBU? Should I just nod and smile and think how lovely that she is doing it her own way, even if that doesn't involve long term friends?

Or ISBU? Wanting a small wedding I understand. But isn't rude for her to tell friends that they won't be invited to the wedding, despite her being a guest at their celebrations? And to do it all without so much as blinking.

She can't afford it and is embarrassed. She's done this breezily to try and brush over the fact.
If you are upset about the ceremony - would it be possible to nip and watch her actual marriage at the back then scuttle off?
I'd arrange anything hen wise that I would for anyone else too. Don't be petulant over it, it doesn't need to cost an arm and a leg. Celebrate with her then.

Good on her for being honest and not having to spend the first months or even years of her new married life paying off wedding debt. It’s irrelevant how many weddings she attended previously.

I think a lot of these responses are unfair. The op is clearly disappointed as she wanted to celebrate with her friend and that’s not happening and she was told in a rather off hand way.

Dunno where any of you are getting patronising, looking down, writing friend off or expectation of invitation from. The op doesn’t think she’s owed a tit for tat invite she thought she’d be invited because they have a strong friendship.

I think saying things like ‘we didn’t honk it would happen form her’ set the tone of this thread. She is in her forties not dead. Also mentioning how many other weddings she managed to hustle a meal and drinks at. It all read quite bitter and maybe a tad jealous at friends will to do what she wants rather than loving.

If two people in their 40s are getting married & merging households, believe me, the last thing they need are gifts - however 'personal', 'well-chosen' etc.

We have some friends who got a toaster from just about everyone for their wedding. Anyone who moved house after that, got from them a toaster as a house-warming present!

I bet she's spent a lot of money attending all your weddings, transport, accommodation, gifts etc?

This. She would have spent a FORTUNE over the years at your wedding!

What Nosey said. ^

Only on MN do you get berrated for being upseet your friend of 20 years doesnt invite you to her wedding at all the tells you "You cant come to my wedding but you can pay for the party yourself to celebrate it."

Some friend.
And the way she said it was crap, after years of attending others weddings and wangling invites for herself she is now snubbing all her friends. Its not tit for tat its friendship. She doesnt need to have a lavish wedding, just to invite them to the church/reg office would be nice and free! They can actually go into any church anyway but I wouldnt be inclined after what she said.

And if you have to get into debt to pay for your wedding you are doing it all wrong!

I think it’s fine, it’s her wedding so her choice and she isn’t being unfair by just inviting certain friends.
When I get married I want a really small wedding, just immediate family. But I wouldn’t be bothered about having a hen do either.

I think the thing here is that ‘weddings are SO expensive, so none of you can come’ sounds like ‘I don’t think you’re worth the money it costs to invite you’. That’s not the same message as ‘its going to be a very small wedding, and I’m really skint/it’s just family/ reasons reasons, otherwise I’d have invited you’. Especially with the ‘maybe you can all pay for your own bits to celebrate me’ picnic.

It's OK for her not to invite you, and it's OK for you to feel hurt about it.
But I agree you should forget the hen do - I bet it will be organised so that the hens cover the cost of the bride - she won't pay a penny.

Of course YABU. She can invite / not invite who she likes. And just because you could afford a bigger wedding, doesn't mean she can or is obliged to

By the time you're that ancient 'in your early 40s' chances are you're paying for your own wedding, rather than having your parents foot at least some of the bill, and you're juggling other financial commitments that are more pressing than buying 120 people a three course meal in a tent.

If she were my friend, I'd actually enjoy organising a low-key hen do as a way of celebrating her marriage with her and my best mates - dinner & drinks out is going to cost way less than trekking to wherever she'll be getting married, no additional hotel/outfit/hair/gift, etc, and you won't have to make tedious conversation with her Auntie Jean or fork out £50 for a taxi back to your room.

I see going to weddings as a favour to the couple and family, not them doing ME a favour

What an awful attitude. I don’t see going to a wedding as a favour, I am thrilled to be asked. Just decline if you feel like that. I do agree no one is doing a favour by inviting you to their wedding - surely it’s a mutual effort both parties should be happy to make?

OP - YANBU to be disappointed not to be able to go to your friend’s wedding. I get so excited when my friends get married and love to celebrate with them so when I can’t be there for whatever reason it is sad. However, I don’t think she has done anything wrong. She wants a small wedding and she’s entitled to that, she shouldn’t have to throw a big and expensive wedding just to keep other people happy.

The way she said it was as if she was talking to someone at a bus stop, not her friends of 20+ years

And this is what its all about I think, its not the non invite its the feeling that you dont really matter enough to her. Thats a horrible feeling, Im sorry.

I'm going to wait for a hen do update before I decide who's being unreasonable.

If she doesn't have a HD, then no, she isn't being UR, if she does, then I think she is.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a small wedding, the number you attend does not equate automatic invitations.

Thing is, it's not at all unusual for these 'friendship-group-since-school' groups to reach a point where people start to break away from the group, because some of them realise they have very little in common with the ones who they liked in 1987 because they both fancied the bloke out of Aha. People's lives go in different directions - one gets married young and has eight babies in a row, one emigrates, one takes up a hugely demanding job that she loves and therefore prefers to socialise with workmates, etc.
But there's always at least one in the group who (perhaps because her own life is utterly dull) wants to hang on to the friendship, because to her, the length of time you've known someone is more important than whether you actually like the person. I wonder if there's any of that at play here, and Late-40s Bride is thoroughly tired of her 'old friends' these days.

Have I missed something from the OP about hen dos? A lot of people seem to be mentioning them, but I can't see any reference to them in the OP's posts.

I had a small wedding (2 witnesses) and I'd have died on the spot if anyone had suggested a hen do. I love my family and friends dearly, but I didn't want a big wedding as I can't be doing with them and we were rather keener to buy a house than spend money on one day. OP, I think you are being churlish. Your friend probably came up with the picnic idea because she felt awkward about having no 'celebration' at all...

If she's one of the last in the group to get married, then presumably it's not the cost of inviting all her friends, it's their partners too. I'm assuming she was never given a plus one to the earlier weddings.

If she's one of the last in the group to get married, then presumably it's not the cost of inviting all her friends, it's their partners too. I'm assuming she was never given a plus one to the earlier weddings

Ah yes, I know that feeling. Plus I bet that a lot of the earlier wedded lot have young kids and babies so there is that minefield to navigate as well.

YABU but I do agree that I wouldn't be planning hen do's or any of that stuff

Long
Didnt stop her wangling invites to weddings of mere aquaintences though did it?

I imagine all her friends would have given her a 'plus one' invite as she has had relationships in the past. If they were all such a hardship for her why did she go to so many?

reanimated Good point.

You're acting like you all did her a favour by inviting her to your weddings

I always knew that if I got married I would want a small, low-key wedding, which indeed I did have in my mid 30s (no hen do). Through my twenties and early thirties I probably went to 30 or 40 weddings, what was I supposed to do, turn down the invitations because at some hypothetical point in the future I might not reciprocate them? I think not.

Only on MN could a person being upset that her close friend of 20 yrs didnt invite her to her wedding be told its her fault and she is to needy to expect a friendship to last and obviously the friend just doesnt want to be friends anymore only she is too blind to see it!