Another wedding one. Okay IprobablyABU but I'm a little hurt by lack of invite.

[KichenDancefloor]

My lovely friend-since-school is getting married. We are in our early 40s and thought it would never happen for her, so we are all thrilled on her behalf.

She announced to a bunch of us that she was not going to invite us to the wedding because weddings are, like, expensive and, you know, difficult to organise, so it's just easier if no friends go.
She might think about doing a picnic celebration where everyone brings their own food and drink sometime after the wedding.

She didn't register the looks on our faces. She has been to all of our weddings, eaten the food, drunk the -shedload of booze, danced to the bands etc.

So as not to drip feed, she also has form for wangling herself invites to weddings of acquaintances (she is a bit of a social butterfly) and critiquing the food, speeches, venues, etc. She has been a guest at dozens and dozens of weddings.

So AIBU? Should I just nod and smile and think how lovely that she is doing it her own way, even if that doesn't involve long term friends?

Or ISBU? Wanting a small wedding I understand. But isn't rude for her to tell friends that they won't be invited to the wedding, despite her being a guest at their celebrations? And to do it all without so much as blinking.

Obviously OP only you know your friend but could the comment about the picnic have been testing the reaction. Clearly you'd hope she'd do more than just say 'hey, lets met up at x' but was it breezy or just a tad embarrassed and hopeful? She may will want to actually make you all part of the wedding but is in a bind. Is her partner involved in anything socially that would mean the numbers would rocket sky high if friends were included - playing football for instance can mean an extra 30 odd people if you start inviting anyway. She may have gone about telling you badly but maybe have a chat about the reasons before feeling too put out.

Does she have a lot of close friends? Is she and her fiancé close to their family? Maybe they just can't afford to invite a lot of people.....having no friends to your wedding sounds a bit weird to me.

I have been a guest at quite a few weddings but I never demanded and invite. When we got married last year we organised it with 6 weeks notice and only asked our parents and sisters and 1 very close friend. It was a complete surprise to everyone else (we had a party that afternoon under the guise of housewarming). As far as I know no-one has complained (they may have done so privately) but most seemed to understand our reasoning. Even our closest friends. Hopefully we were a bit more tactful when we explained to everyone but a wedding really isn't about the party or the guest list or the cake or drinks it was about the vows we made to each other.

I think she sounds like a legend.

She was probably all too aware that you all thought "it would never happen for her"

So, she rode the wedding gravy train (but to be honest it also costs a fortune to attend a wedding), had a corker of a time then decided when it came to hers, she'd had enough of the whole pallavah.

She probably thinks she's doing you a favour!

Willow
Doesn't sound like she was in lots of relationships if her friends 'never thought it would happen for her' does it?

The wangling invites to acquaintances' wedding thing is batshit though! I think despite the expense and travel, a lot of people find it quite hard to decline a wedding invite due to the guilt. Sounds like this lady might have just loved a party though/maybe she just wanted to meet more people. It's a widespread myth that they're a great place to meet people!

Recently was invited to a wedding and the cost of our outfits and transport to and from cost more than my dress and the grooms hire suit for my own wedding.
It's a massive expense.
I'd be delighted to receive an invite to a lovely informal picnic type affair.

The hen do will be interesting lol. The only way I could go to my one close friends wedding was if I paid for my own meal, so I did lol

Why are people assuming she wants a hen do? Pretty ridiculous to be in your 40s and *disappointed you won't see a friend get married. Give over! The OP chose the wedding she wanted, now the friend is doing the same. As for her wrangling^ invitations, well, no one holds a gun to an adult's head and forces them to invite certain people.

'In my city, you can do a buffet and three rounds of drinks for 50 people for £500. I know because I've organised several. The pub I use generally puts the food on for free; I guess they more than make up for it in the drinks receipts.'

Well, there you go! PM the OP, ask her to tell her friend to move to your city and do it your way. I haven't in my life heard of a pub that will lay on free food for 50 people for a wedding. I think those would be very few on the ground.

Heartofglass12345, the OP hasn't mentioned a hen do. Assume the bride to be has more sense than to have one. Lol.

she probably wants a small wedding without any fuss " Oh! Ah! At last she is married! " and doesn't know how to tell you about it.
she can be embarrassed about money problems.
Her new partner may have own idea about how the weeding should be.
Also as someone mentioned she needs to consider not only friends but their partners and children.
I would send her a card with my best wishes and stop overthinking it.

As long as she's not inviting any friends and keeping it strictly to family, I don't see the problem. It's not as if she's inviting some friends and leaving others feeling left out and hurt.

in fact, I wish more people would take a leaf out of her book. Weddings seem to be getting bigger and bigger, with so many trimmings that the whole purpose and point of the day seems to be almost forgotten in many cases.

I meant if she wants one and whether she expects them to organise it lol. Mine was a curry 2 nights before my wedding, but i was pregnant lol

I got married in my forties. Both sets of parents were deceased. I had very small wedding with immediate family (10 guests) and held a party in the garden for friends a week later. I did cater the party (in retrospect should have paid for catering as too much work) and told guests ‘no presents please’.
A few friends organised a hen do/meal in a local restaurant even though I said I didn’t really want one. I love going to other people’s parties but really hate being the centre of attention myself. To be avoided at all costs, is my motto.
Maybe your friend struggles with hosting?

I guess all you smug marrieds thought poor old friend was well and truly on the shelf, bless her little spinster socks.

How patronising you sound. So before she announced the wedding did you all inwardly seethe at the fact that she had been to your weddings,danced to your bands, drunk your cheap wine and cost you money while not having the sense to find a man and reciprocate with her own tasteless canapes? I wonder if you even gave her a plus 1 or was her singleton status so entrenched in your collective mind that you didn't think she could dredge up a partner?

Good luck to her, I hope she has a lovely wedding .

The 'thought it would never happen for her' does sound a bit patronising. Lots of people are happily single and wouldn't like to think their friends were going around pitying them and wondering if 'it would ever happen' for them.

Also, the 'wangling' invites to other people's weddings is an unpleasant way of putting it. Most people won't invite a random acquaintance they are not bothered about - perhaps it's just that other people like this woman, and you are all stuck with your view of her as the group loser.
And 'social butterfly' - gregarious, outgoing, popular, perhaps?

This is definitely a problem with longstanding friendships - the one who was tolerated by the rest of the group; perhaps the fat one, or the most impoverished one, or the uncool one, or the thick one, or the one with the strictest or wierdest parents or whatever, is supposed to stay in that inferior, grateful position indefinitely. And the rest of the group struggle to see that the person has changed, is happy, and has probably outgrown the others.

Still here. Still reading.

Thanks to those who responded to my OP and follow up messages, whether you thought IABU or felt I have a reason to feel miffed by the way my friend communicated her desire for a family only wedding.

It is useful to have different perspectives. I deliberately haven't spoken to any of my RL friends about this because I didn't want it to turn into 'OMG can you believe X isn't inviting us' playground drama.

Amazed by the Olympic-levels of conclusion jumping and projecting about my friendship dynamics though.

I think I would have had a bit more sympathy from this wonderful viper pit with more context about why this friend has CHOSEN to be single up to now (not left on the shelf or cast aside by 'smug marrieds') and how she is usually the ultimate host and party animal.

But I totally stand by the fact she wangled her way into acquaintances' weddings! Two of my friends have so much front about doing this. They are like very professional, polite and totally brass-necked wedding crashers. They both just love a party. I've seen them do it and even got taken along as a plus one on one occasion. There is a whole CF thread waiting to happen on that one!

Ooh, OP, I like the sound of that thread!

Why does it matter if she is usually the ultimate host and party animal?

Meh, an informal picnic sounds lovely! I really don't get what your gripe is here, it's not as though you're owed an invitation because you invited her to your own wedding.

The 'never thought it would happen for her' reeks of smugness and is not very nice, tbh.

Of course it’s fine for her to do what she wants for her wedding. It’s also fine that she told you she’s getting married and you’re not invited (what was she supposed to do - hide it?) However, she sounds like a bit of a tool so I’m unsure why you’re friends with her

Id be gutted not to see one of my friends get married but ultimately her wedding her choice.

I would possibly say to my friend is there scope for an evening invite & maybe try to help her find bargains etc.

My sister recently got married abroad & It was just her & her husband (although she has a party here after) I still helped all the planning & finding bargains so she could do both

My husband and I only had a ceremony and only invited our witnesses. We didn't even invite parents let alone our friends (apart from the two witnesses) I think sometimes people forget the day is for the bride and groom only. If you're annoyed she can't afford to have friends and hasn't I voted any of you I think you're being slightly selfish, it's great you could afford a big wedding with lots of guests and that's what you wanted but maybe she doesn't want the stress or financial burden of paying for everyone else to celebrate her day... I know I didn't

Invited not voted

She won't be expecting a nice wedding present then