Another wedding one. Okay IprobablyABU but I'm a little hurt by lack of invite.

[KichenDancefloor]

My lovely friend-since-school is getting married. We are in our early 40s and thought it would never happen for her, so we are all thrilled on her behalf.

She announced to a bunch of us that she was not going to invite us to the wedding because weddings are, like, expensive and, you know, difficult to organise, so it's just easier if no friends go.
She might think about doing a picnic celebration where everyone brings their own food and drink sometime after the wedding.

She didn't register the looks on our faces. She has been to all of our weddings, eaten the food, drunk the -shedload of booze, danced to the bands etc.

So as not to drip feed, she also has form for wangling herself invites to weddings of acquaintances (she is a bit of a social butterfly) and critiquing the food, speeches, venues, etc. She has been a guest at dozens and dozens of weddings.

So AIBU? Should I just nod and smile and think how lovely that she is doing it her own way, even if that doesn't involve long term friends?

Or ISBU? Wanting a small wedding I understand. But isn't rude for her to tell friends that they won't be invited to the wedding, despite her being a guest at their celebrations? And to do it all without so much as blinking.

Maybe it's because you all thought it would never happen for her because omg she's so old and like such a loser, and she can tell when she's being patronised?

Everyone should have the wedding of their choice big or small. Let her have that but then she can't be upset when she doesn't get the hen do or gifts you would normally do for a wedding and to be honest she probably doesn't expect them.

Good on her. I like when people know their own minds and don't wrestle with how to 'break the news' to their friends about their own life plans for this/that/any reason.

Could you and friends organise a surprise party for her and let her know that even if she's having a small wedding that you wish her well. Her not having a big wedding is her choice

She wants a small wedding
Nowt wrong with that ! Maybe she doesn’t have £7000 lying around

Be happy for her and don’t be so mean spirited

Hurray! The more people who start turning their backs on the whole traditional wedding formula of requiring some guests to spend an entire day or weekend on the big shebang, boring speeches, lame food and the afterthought evening do plus tout for cash, the better. I'd be pleased! YABU. It's her business how she marries.

I also thought the “we never thought it would happen for her” was quite patronising.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this. I wouldn’t want a friend to go into debt to entertain me and I think the picnic is a nice budget friendly way to celebrate.

It does sound as though they’re not well off and it was probably an awkward thing for her to have to do.

'Why would you have a wedding with no friends? What's the point? They are the people who you choose to spend time with.'

Because they want to be married and don't have the money for a wedding? Because they don't believe weddings are tit-for-tat. Because they don't believe in the whole big wedding bollocks people tell you that you have to have. Because they don't like throwing parties. All manner of reasons. I wouldn't want to be friends with a narrow-minded person who got their arse out of kilter because I didn't get married they way they want me to, anyhow, so would see someone who cut me off because I didn't do it their way as no big loss.

She can do what she likes

There is no obligation to do the whole &10k or £20k ott modern wedding.

I was amused by your assessment of her having attended so many weddings, eaten the food and danced to the band etc in a way that that was great for her

I see going to weddings as a favour to the couple and family, not them doing ME a favour. Yes I get food (chicken breast or something bland, usually) and yes I dance to all those awful songs that are played at weddings (Kool and the gang...yay! Not.) But to see it as somehow she now owes you is hilarious

You really believe all your weddings were so much fun? The endless speeches, the waits when pics are taken, the buy-your-own-bar, the silly dress codes (let's all wear purple!) the seating plans where you are placed next to great aunt Mabel (as putting all friends together at one table would be too much fun, too much laughing which would distract from the happy couple)etc etc?

She owes you nothing

If this was my friend I'd still arrange a hen do- a meal out or something nice for the friendship group to celebrate.
It does all sound a bit entitled- no wedding so no hen do, gifts, good wishes. She's your friends, why wouldn't you want to? She's not snubbing you, she's having a small wedding.

YABU. If wedding invites involved 100% reciprocity, then the size of all weddings would be set by the very largest. A huge day is not for everyone. Invitations aren't sent with a view to getting invites back.

I am a bit at the tone of "She's 40 and we all thought it would never happen for her". That's a bit of a bitchy thing to say/think. Plenty of people get married in their 30s/40s nowadays.

I do think the suggestion of a BYO picnic is a bit mean, though. She could at least hire a pub and stand a few rounds of drinks, with a buffet.

'I do think the suggestion of a BYO picnic is a bit mean, though. She could at least hire a pub and stand a few rounds of drinks, with a buffet.'

What if you don't have the money for pub hire, drinks and buffet? No wedding for you then ? One of the best weddings I went to was a picnic in a park. Whilst the couple did put on meats for a BBQ and homemade beer and wine, we all brought dishes and more booze. The couple got married in the park. It was fantastic fun.

I think you are being a bit unfair. I’ve never seen weddings as tit for tat invitations as everyone has different sizes of weddings and number of family and friends as well as budget.

you and your friends wanted big weddings so presumably would have been thrilled she accepted your invitation and she will have spent plenty on travel and gifts for these weddings.

expat - Hiring a pub and standing a couple of rounds of drinks would be about £500 I would guess. It's not outrageous amounts of money, really.

'expat - Hiring a pub and standing a couple of rounds of drinks would be about £500 I would guess. It's not outrageous amounts of money, really.'

Depends on the pub and the buffet and how many people. £500 wouldn't go far. And what if you don't drink? Or don't want to hire a pub and have a buffet because you prefer a picnic?

Bravo for people who have the wedding they want and don't kowtow to traditions they can't afford or don't agree with.

She hasn’t done anything wrong. So she can’t afford a big wedding - and?! What is she supposed to do? I didn’t understand every social occasion was a tit for tat one. I went to about 17 engagement parties and spent a fortune going, and lots of 30th parties, but I didn’t have either. Is that a rule now
As for £500 you’d be lucky to even hire a pub for that round here!

How about a buffet event at home - everyone can bring something. It wouldn't cost a lot and it would be a nice surprise for the bride.

She doesn't OWE you a wedding!!

I did the same. I was in my 30's and didn't feel like a 'traditional bride' I guess,since I was older than most of friends who were already married. I really don't like being centre of attention and didn't want a huge wedding so we eloped.
I don't feel we owed anyone a wedding simply because I'd been invited to theirs.
I had no hen night either and didn't expect gifts or cards.

In my city, you can do a buffet and three rounds of drinks for 50 people for £500. I know because I've organised several. The pub I use generally puts the food on for free; I guess they more than make up for it in the drinks receipts.

Pigmcpigface, it’s be cheaper too nvitenger friends. I’m very skint after getting married 4 weeks ago. We can’t even afford a small honeymoon. £500 is a lot when you are skint.

She's told you what she's doing and been up front about it - rather than letting you all wonder where your invite is. She's arranging a picnic with you to share her joy with you her friends. Not seeing a problem. Personally if she was a close friend I'd still give a gift and card whether I went or not.

That's the oddest thing of all tbh - the expectation that someone who has attended your wedding owes you a wedding invite in return. What about the people who were already married when you met them, or the people who (WAAAAAH BAAAAW THERE'S NO SUCH THING YOU'RE SCARING ME) actually ^don't want to get married and never will*?

Are you and your friendship group the sort of people who think there's something wrong and strange about any adult being single?

Their wedding, their choice. She's probably been to enough weddings over the years to know that she doesn't want or need the huge wedding that so many others have.

Of course, whether you decide to organise a hen party for her is your choice too.