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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding one. Okay IprobablyABU but I'm a little hurt by lack of invite.

148 replies

KichenDancefloor · 08/05/2018 23:58

My lovely friend-since-school is getting married. We are in our early 40s and thought it would never happen for her, so we are all thrilled on her behalf.

She announced to a bunch of us that she was not going to invite us to the wedding because weddings are, like, expensive and, you know, difficult to organise, so it's just easier if no friends go. Hmm
She might think about doing a picnic celebration where everyone brings their own food and drink sometime after the wedding.

She didn't register the Shock looks on our faces. She has been to all of our weddings, eaten the food, drunk the -shedload of booze, danced to the bands etc.

So as not to drip feed, she also has form for wangling herself invites to weddings of acquaintances (she is a bit of a social butterfly) and critiquing the food, speeches, venues, etc. She has been a guest at dozens and dozens of weddings.

So AIBU? Should I just nod and smile and think how lovely that she is doing it her own way, even if that doesn't involve long term friends?

Or ISBU? Wanting a small wedding I understand. But isn't rude for her to tell friends that they won't be invited to the wedding, despite her being a guest at their celebrations? And to do it all without so much as blinking.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 09/05/2018 03:16

She's obviously gone about it clumsily, and I agree she should have made it clearer that she was simply strapped for cash. I very much doubt she expects you all to treat her to a fancy hen-do! Having said that, if she does, you can come back here and write a very compelling Cheeky Fucker thread.

I can see that you are feeling a bit put out that you don't get to partake in her celebrations, but as people have said, it's no real hardship: weddings are relatively more expensive for guests to attend than hosts to lay out on their guests.

choli · 09/05/2018 03:19

Women who want small weddings rarely want or expect hen dos.

Coyoacan · 09/05/2018 03:33

Nobody put on their wedding for her, she just happened to be one of the guests.

At the cost of weddings nowadays I'm surprised anyone can afford not to just live in sin.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2018 03:40

It is her choice to have a small wedding. If it’s because she they don’t want a big wedding or can’t afford it, that’s fair enough. If it’s because they’re cheap skates and takers not givers, that’s not on.

Having both a BYOF picnic and a hen party are both at the expense of the guests so a double whammy without getting an invite to the big day. Personally I think she wouldn’t be unreasonable to have one or the other. But if she wants a hen do and expects token gifts, the least she could do is go out for drinks or have a party at her house either being at her expense.

BarbarianMum · 09/05/2018 05:09

The size of a person's wedding is not determined by the number of weddings they have previously attended. What a strange way to look at things, she doesn't owe you all invites.

Psychobabble123 · 09/05/2018 05:18

How ridiculous to expect that because she waa invited to your weddings, she should invite you to hers! The PP who said its like an adult version of the kids party shit you read on here is spot on!

maskingtape · 09/05/2018 05:24

'We never thought this would happen for her.' She's early 40s not 103 fgs.

Cupoteap · 09/05/2018 05:26

Perhaps she has worded it badly, perhaps she can't afford the big wedding, perhaps she's sad about it and perhaps not.

Do you know what sort of wedding she always wanted?

PetulantPolecat · 09/05/2018 05:47

Lots of people love a party but hate throwing one.

Petalflowers · 09/05/2018 05:51

I think what she said was fine, but perhaps badly worldly. Ie. She’s having a small wedding, and letting everyone know this in advance.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/05/2018 05:53

YABU. There’s a massive difference between being an onlooker at a wedding and the focus of it. You all presumably wanted bigger weddings with all the trimmings. She doesn’t.

I also think it would be petty not to arrange her hen do but it should be accordingly low key and low budget.

I’d be glad to be spared the expense, personally!

reallybadidea · 09/05/2018 06:22

Do you really think it's the money or is there something else going on? She sounds like the sort of person who would love to be the centre of attention? Is she worried about her wedding not living up to her or other people's expectations? Is she definitely really happy about getting married? Do you get the sense that she's "settling" with her choice of husband to be? Just seems a bit strange rather than cheeky.

ChasedByBees · 09/05/2018 06:30

This doesn’t make sense to me. Should she in advance have declined your invites because at some point in the future she might not be able to / want to reciprocate? I don’t think it matters how much money she has, she can choose not to blow £15K of it on a large stressful wedding she doesn’t want.

Peterrabbitscarrots · 09/05/2018 06:43

I can’t fault her for this - I did the same despite having attended lots of weddings. We had other priorities at the time such as buying s new house etc rather than shelling out a fortune on a one day event.

I could understand you being hurt if you were the only friend not invited, but that’s not the case here. Sorry!

KC225 · 09/05/2018 06:43

I think she could have worded it a little better. Spaces are limited as we don't have much of a budget, so sorry etc. Also,
if getting married in a church anyone is allowed in to watch the actual wedding.

Some colleagues and I did this, her wedding was in a local church, but only her small family of 10 were having a meal/reception in a hotel. We went to the church, threw confetti, took some pictures, then the 4 of us went for a pub lunch and even squeezed in a bit of high street shopping. It was fab, I was home by 6.30.

Dontbuymesocks · 09/05/2018 06:51

I hate attending weddings. It’s not the ceremony I don’t like, it’s the evening do. I don’t drink, hate dancing and I’m just not a party person. However, I’m always touched if somebody invites me to their wedding as it’s nice to know that they want you to share in their happiness. I always attend, buy a nice gift and try and put my party face on. However, when I got married I wanted a tiny wedding. I don’t like being the centre of attention and certainly didn’t want to spend my day with drunk people doing the conga. Nobody thought I was unreasonable for having a small wedding and not inviting all those people who previously invited me to their (large) events. They’re nice people, and good friends so just wanted me to be happy on my special day.
Why can’t you be happy that your friend is having the wedding she wants? As others have said, wedding invitations are not tit-for-tat.

Springnowplease · 09/05/2018 06:52

Fair enough for her not to invite you, I suppose, but she can jog on for the hen. No wedding, no hens, I'd say.

eddielizzard · 09/05/2018 06:56

not invited to the wedding, not going to the hen do then. i wouldn't make any fuss whatsoever. you can't cherrypick your way through life.

NicEv · 09/05/2018 06:59

I understand you feeling a bit disappointed - I am in my forties and good weddings are few and far between now so I look forward to them!

But she is your lovely friend and you love and care for her. So you know really she must do what is right for her on her own wedding day - and you should go to the picnic and make a big fuss and be happy for them. And also arrange a lovely hen to celebrate if that is what she wants . Because you are her lovely friend - and that is what friends do Flowers

cecinestpasunepipe · 09/05/2018 07:01

HER wedding? THEIR wedding, surely. Maybe a small family wedding is something that they have decided together, you know, as a couple. Also, you are all jumping the gun re a hen do. I feel sorry for her that she has such entitled friends.

Original poster
KichenDancefloor · 09/05/2018 07:01

Thanks for all the responses. It's a bit of a mixed bunch which reflects why I'm feeling conflicted about this.

I think it does seem to be the lack of tact which has blindsided me. A 'we'd love you all to be there but logistically it's not possible' is very different from the breezy 'weddings are expensive!' statement. It is like this has genuinely just occurred to her for the first time, despite all of the weddings that she has attended. The way she said it was as if she was talking to someone at a bus stop, not her friends of 20+ years.

But ultimately I am thrilled that she will be marrying someone who loves her and makes her happy. I know that the wedding is just the party and the relationship it the most important thing.

To respond to the PP who said something about being patronising that we thought it may never happen for her, without going into the full back story, she had a horrible dating history and had herself 'given up' on men. Then her DP showed up, swept her off her feet and changed her mind. So lovely!

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/05/2018 07:09

“Oh butterfly, such a good idea to ask people to provide their own picnic instead of giving you gifts”. Then spend £20 on M&S food and get yourself a nice bottle of fizz. Much cheaper than a wedding gift.

One of my best friends missed my hen but came to my wedding. Ate the food, listened to the band, gave a very modest gift. I’d arranged childcare (during the ceremony) so she could have support with her newborn. She didn’t invite me (or any friends/Family) to her far away wedding. Nevertheless I organised a hen and paid for it, bought her a gift while she was there and made a fuss when she returned. I’m happy with the arrangement. I hope she was too. This stuff does not have to be reciprocal.

LoniceraJaponica · 09/05/2018 07:14

"I don’t think she is being the least bit unreasonable. Weddings aren’t a tit for tat type of thing. "

I agree with this ^^
We just had a small family wedding. No-one was offended.

ShinyShooney · 09/05/2018 07:17

If someone didn't invite me to their wedding then I would't be considering them a friend- unless very tiny wedding or in very remote location.

Why would you have a wedding with no friends? What's the point? They are the people who you choose to spend time with.

madeyemoodysmum · 09/05/2018 07:18

Has she a huge family?

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