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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
MissDuke · 10/05/2018 14:06

I have dipped in and out of this thread and tried hard to not get upset/angry. It is the ugliest thread I have seen for a while. I am flabberghasted that posters think the op should move pools/lesson times etc. I have often been eye rolly at the calls of 'disabilist!' on MN over the smallest things, I have been called it myself on here despite having disabled children myself Hmm but this thread really is the most disabilist I have seen.

OP hopefully the pool will listen and sort something out. They do have to abide by equality legislation after all. Ours actually restored old disused changing rooms which are accessed from a separate smaller pool, where they now hold women and young child only sessions to benefit women from cultures who cannot expose their body to males. If they can go to such lengths to fulfill their legal obligations, surely your pool can too???

Ours got round it by installing communal changing areas - all pools in our area have this - so everyone shares the changing area and must use cubicles. These vary in size too. Much easier for families too.

Shedmicehugh1 · 10/05/2018 14:07

I just don't believe my needs should come before other peoples. I am no more special than the next, your son is

OP is not asking for ‘special’ treatment! She is asking that her son be allowed the same privilege as non disabled people ie to go swimming!

OreoMini · 10/05/2018 14:07

Bobbydeniro69 the OP doesn’t need to hear she being unreasonable because she’s not!
Her son is entitled to use the women’s changing room until he’s 9! If other women feel uncomfortable then use a cubicle. It’s as simple as that.
Until the pool changes it’s rules or facilities there is nothing tht can be done.
Why should op son get the raw end of the deal when he’s allowed to go in the women’s.

MNHQ
JoanneMumsnet · 10/05/2018 14:19

Hi,

We've had a lot of reports about this thread from people who are concerned that the OP is being treated pretty harshly here.

We've deleted a number of posts which we felt crossed the line, but felt that now would be a good time to point people in the direction of our This Is My Child Campaign which was set up to raise awareness about what it's like to be the parent of a child with additional needs.

In particular we'd like to highlight some of the myths we're working to debunk, such as this one - Myth 2: if your child has a disability, you're given lots of easily accessible support.

We'd be grateful if you could take a look, and try to bear in mind the difficulties faced by parents like the OP every day. A bit of peace and love would be much appreciated. Flowers

Smeddum · 10/05/2018 15:57

In particular we'd like to highlight some of the myths we're working to debunk, such as this one - Myth 2: if your child has a disability, you're given lots of easily accessible support

I like this.

Smeddum · 10/05/2018 15:59

If he is too disabled to understand that then maybe he should be using disabled facilities or a SEND pool

This is an appalling thing to say. The pool is at fault for having crap facilities for disabled users. You want there to be places where you can send people with SN because it’s convenient?

They tried that once before. In fucking Germany in the 1940s.

Twofishfingers · 10/05/2018 16:01

There has been loads of similar threads in the past and they have all turned nasty. It's a subject that is treated by some as much, much more significant than it actually is.

Swimming pools have rules for changing rooms, if you don't like the rules then speak to the management. And ask for more blocks with family changing rooms. Or for more blocks for people with disabilities. Complaining here will take you absolutely nowhere.

Twofishfingers · 10/05/2018 16:01

Apart maybe in appearing in an article in the Daily Mail

GinUnicorn · 10/05/2018 16:04

Op am very sorry to hear it's so tough for you with lack of facilities. I think maybe those of us with no disabilities need to try and be a bit more understanding. I hope they listen to your campaign for better access and hope your son can enjoy his swimming. Flowers

Smeddum · 10/05/2018 16:04

It's a subject that is treated by some as much, much more significant than it actually is

The rules say that the OPs son is allowed in the women’s changing rooms. And there is never, ever any need for disablist comments which inevitably turn these threads nasty. Because people who know fuck all about it spout nasty opinions.

zzzzz · 10/05/2018 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sleepyblueocean · 10/05/2018 16:12

"It's a subject that is treated by some as much, much more significant than it actually is."

???

WaxOnFeckOff · 10/05/2018 16:39

I see things didn't improve here while I was at work :(

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/05/2018 16:48

No wax it hasn’t Sad

wink1970 · 10/05/2018 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/05/2018 16:53

I have been in this thread and I really haven’t seen a stinking attitude . I have seen a frustrated and upset woman . Become more upset and frustrated . And the nasty comments to her have led to MN coming in

Maybe when people are dealing with a disabled child and a MN shit kick - maybe they would get a bit antsy

I hate this thread . I wouldn’t even fucking care if there were 11 year boys in the room
If they had to be for special needs . It would be worse for them than me .

Samcro · 10/05/2018 16:55

" It's a subject that is treated by some as much, much more significant than it actually is. "

What a awful thing to post about disability....cos thats what the thread is about.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/05/2018 17:03

I'm genuinely torn here.

I go swimming often; and there's been male children present more often normally. They're probably under 6 so allowed in the room; but look older.

They do make people uncomfortable. On occasion, I have felt uncomfortable. It's not so I can parade about naked; it just makes life more complicated having them present. The space doesn't feel as "safe".

Our pool has one cubicle: always in permanent use, and a family changing room that can be accessed by both the male and female changing rooms before you get to the actual changing area, but nobody uses it. It's always empty.

I don't want to make the OPs life more difficult. I don't know where she should change, if her pool doesn't offer family facilities. I don't believe my right to feel comfortable ranks above her sons. To be honest, I've just started to swim less and change after the gym at home.

zzzzz · 10/05/2018 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TomRavenscroft · 10/05/2018 17:07

You've lost a great deal of sympathy from me by saying women in the women's changing room 'prounce around but naked'. How do you dare be so judgemental as to say that? Of course people go naked in a changing room and it's not 'prouncing'; it's, you know, getting changed/dried etc.

If the large cubicle isn't available, you could change, as others have said, with your son in a smaller one and you sort of shielding him in the doorway.

Having said all that, I do think there should be more of the larger cubicles.

zzzzz · 10/05/2018 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TomRavenscroft · 10/05/2018 17:11

zzzzz, apologies; I had failed to notice that. My mistake.

zzzzz · 10/05/2018 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

liz70 · 10/05/2018 17:14

"The space doesn't feel as "safe"."

Your space doesn't feel as "safe" because boys of around six are in it?
I've heard it all now.

Sirzy · 10/05/2018 17:16

ds doesn’t need to lie down to change just sit down and even then getting him changed in an individual cubicle would be impossible. Most of them there is only just enough space for an average size adult!