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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
FuckingHateRain · 10/05/2018 13:05

mousecar yes I have reported , @MNHQ is looking at this now

zzzzz · 10/05/2018 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hazeyjane · 10/05/2018 13:15

definitely have swimwear under clothes on arrival so you can't be late for lesson.

Can I just reiterate - if a child is incontinent (ie in nappies) this WILL NOT be possible!!

I started on this thread saying that you were being unreasonable (because it seems unfair to blame the shortcomings of the facilities on the women who are using the changing room and mistook your child for older).

I'm now shuffling over the the YANBU side, because people are being such arseholes - and it IS fucking hard having a child with additional needs, and trying to do the right thing by them and everyone else.

Sirzy · 10/05/2018 13:20

Ds wears a full length Lycra suit under his clothes. Underwear goes on top of it (he has a big hole in the appropriate places). Swim wear under clothes simply wouldn’t work for him or for many children!

FullOfJellyBeans · 10/05/2018 13:25

Find alternative arrangements , it will benefit you and others.

NO. Don't make any alternative arrangements.
Just read this thread and some people are so outrageously entitled and it's not the OP.

I hope you don't do anything differently to what you have been doing. Most pools just have cubicles anyway. The female changing room is for adult females and children up to the age of 9. Anyone who is uncomfortable with the rules of the changing room has readily available alternatives. OP sounds like she has enough problems to contend with without skirting around other people's sensibilities. You're just working within the rules of the changing room.

FullOfJellyBeans · 10/05/2018 13:28

Bobbydeniro69 YOU are being unreasonable. What gives you the impression you have the right to overide the rules imposed by the swimming pool and make your own rules up? You can't. Some people are uncomfortable seeing gay people holding hands in the street, touch luck. Of people are uncomfortable with OP's disabled son being in a place he has a right to be in. Tough luck. Their discomfort is not OP's resposnsibility.

Gagastwin · 10/05/2018 13:34

You have a disabled child, wait and use the disabled facility, they are not just for mobility impaired people. If you are going to run late because it is in use, turn up earlier.

I say this as a mobility disabled person with a disabled child.

Sleepyblueocean · 10/05/2018 13:39

He doesn't have to. He can use the women's changing room.

Shedmicehugh1 · 10/05/2018 13:41

gagastwin it’s a swimming lesson, after school. Are you suggesting the OP’s ds should miss some of his school lessons to get their earlier?

Gagastwin · 10/05/2018 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gagastwin · 10/05/2018 13:44

Perhaps go to a later lesson, but why should other women feel put out by a child running late because of the logistics of getting from school to a pool.

Sirzy · 10/05/2018 13:46

I think we have well established the disabled facilities at this (and many other) pool are shit.

Where are all these SEND pools? And who is paying for them?

Like hazey from the first posts I was on the side of the OP beinb unreasonable but she has highlighted the major issue of lack of facilities and understanding.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 10/05/2018 13:48

@gagastwin
Perhaps go to a later lesson, but why should other women feel put out by a child running late because of the logistics of getting from school to a pool.

Wow such compassionate and kind reply.

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh1 · 10/05/2018 13:51

Ffs! It’s getting worse.

  1. He cannot wait it’s a swimming lesson, an allotted time.
  1. He is 8 and ‘allowed’ to use the female changing.
  1. After swimming, when wet, why should he have to wait when 2, as above applies?
  1. He is not ‘running late’. He is on time to get changed for his swimming lesson.
Original poster
starfish2020 · 10/05/2018 13:52

Where are all these SEND pools? And who is paying for them?
I’d like to know that too

OP posts:
hazeyjane · 10/05/2018 13:54

If he is too disabled to understand that then maybe he should be using disabled facilities or a SEND pool.

As someone with a disabled child, I am surprised that you feel this way, and that you (along with lots of other people) are under the impression that children with disabilities fit into neatly marked boxes, according to their level of understanding - with the smallest box being well away from 'normal' society.

Gagastwin · 10/05/2018 13:54

Like I said I am disabled so is my child, I have compassion, I just don't believe my needs should come before other peoples. I am no more special than the next, your son is obviously very special to you as he is yours, but this doesn't give you the right to tell others how to feel about their bodies.

For all you know she is very religious, not allowed to show her body to males, has body dysmorphia and an eating disorder or is a rape victim where at the age of 5 she was raped by a boy your son's age.

You don't know her reasons, so you shouldn't assume.

hazeyjane · 10/05/2018 13:58

Jinkies! For someone making assumptions about levels of understanding and the complexities of someone else's additional needs, that is quite a scenario you have painted there!

Ghanagirl · 10/05/2018 13:58

How do others manage to change when your age 8 (but size of an 11 year old ) DS is lying on the floor?

Shedmicehugh1 · 10/05/2018 13:58

Lots of pools offer SN swimming lessons. Difficult is it’s just your local pool, with the same disabled facilities! So then you have even more disabled children, waiting to use the disabled facilities!

Sirzy · 10/05/2018 13:59

And in any of those situations you would use the clubicles surely? Especially knowing the pool rules allow under 9s in

hazeyjane · 10/05/2018 14:01

How do others manage to change when your age 8 (but size of an 11 year old ) DS is lying on the floor?

Unless the changing room is the size of my bathroom.....I would imagine the changing room is big enough to accommodate more than 2 people at a time

TerfsUp · 10/05/2018 14:01

YABU.

Sleepyblueocean · 10/05/2018 14:01

Again he is 8. He is allowed to be in the women's changing room.

hazeyjane · 10/05/2018 14:02

Yeah, but what if they have a fear of cubicles, heh.... have you thought about that!