AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

[starfish2020]

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

They do make people uncomfortable. On occasion, I have felt uncomfortable. It's not so I can parade about naked; it just makes life more complicated having them present. The space doesn't feel as "safe".

If the presence of a young male or disabled child makes you feel unsafe (without a fucking good reason) then I really fucking despair.

Do you feel unsafe walking past a school playground or getting changed in a mixed "village" type arrangement? No? Then there is no difference in the OPs situation.

People who feel uncomfortable have the option (in the OPs pool) of changing in a cubicle, the OPs options are more limited. You may prefer to change in the open but I'm sure the OP might prefer that she faced less difficulties for her and her son in not only trying to access the same services as everyone else does, but in accessing services which are particularly therapeutic for him. I'm sorry, but their needs trump peoples preferences, every. singly. time. imo.

If the presence of a young male or disabled child makes you feel unsafe (without a fucking good reason) then I really fucking despair.

Maybe it's less about "safe" in a physical sense and more safe from embarrassment/judgment. Kids over a certain age can have a bit of a big mouth and I would be mortified if one of them said something like "why does that woman have a hairy fanjo" out loud

Going in circles!

YABU = Mostly i haven’t actually read the OP’s comments on the thread or anyone else’s!

YANBU = mostly people who have read the thread and repeatedly summarised the OP’s comments!

Conclusion = not many of the YABUs return once summarised for them! Which is the most frustrating part. If I’m wrong I apologise, if my view has changed, I say so!

Or alternatively views haven’t changed in the slightest despite the facts being explained several times, summarised several times. Then YABU’s complain about the OP getting frustrated and being ‘expectant’!!

"one of them said something like "why does that woman have a hairy fanjo" out loud"

Any more so than if a six year old girl had said it?

The interest in an adult female body will be no more or no less in a young child whether that child is male or female. It really depends on the child, what day of the week it is, what they are used to and just other random shit as they can be unpredictable.

As I've said before I would use a cubicle regardless as I'd rather not be naked in public. that's my choice. If there was no cubicle available, in my hierarchy of people I'd be embarrassed in front of, the OPs son would be pretty low down....and would come after other women.

The woman thought it was older. She wasn’t complaining about an 8 year old, she might have thought he was 11.
Yes, he was clearly disabled. That would probably give him a pass for most people. But if he WAS 11 would that still be acceptable by all. Would the OP still be entitled to rage about the woman.

I've already said I wouldn't be bothered if he was older, there are cubicles available, i'd use one of those or would be happy to wait on one. If there are cubicles there to use, I couldn't care less whether it was single sex or unisex or whatever. And my need to be private has nothing to do with the fact there was a young boy there, I would use a cubicle anyway, even if the room was empty or was exclusively for women.

I think this person is daft. In my local gym/swimming baths the changing rooms are shared by both males and females. Use the private cubicles provided, a child with their mother is no threat. If he was a 30 year old bloke on his own I'd understand!

But you are wrong, she was complaining about an 8 year old, she just may have thought he was older. he as still obviously disabled though so imo that still makes it a shitty thing to do.

The OP is raging about a situation where she ended up having to justify herself because of someones pretty selfish actions. So, whilst the main issue is with the facilities and the lack thereof, the actions of the woman made the Op and her son's life just a little bit more awkward and made the OP upset, frustrated and angry, All things considered given that OP has clarified that her son is quite obviously disabled, then yes, she is entitled to rage.

If the Ops son was not obviously disabled and looked 10/11 and the limit is up to 9 then the woman would not have been out of order to raise this with staff as it would be against the rules if he was 10/11.
Then OPs rant would be mostly displaced.

How was the woman to know he was 8? That’s ridiculous. We can’t just turn on her because she has wrongly guessed he was older. You are saying she would not be out of order if was 10/11 but because he only looked 10/11 she is bang out of order and deserves to be raged about. That’s a thin line.

I’m assuming the conversation went
Pool attendant: what age is your son
Op: 8
Pool attendant: grand.

@Slanetylor

*How was the woman to know he was 8? That’s ridiculous. We can’t just turn on her because she has wrongly guessed he was older. You are saying she would not be out of order if was 10/11 but because he only looked 10/11 she is bang out of order and deserves to be raged about. That’s a thin line.

I’m assuming the conversation went
Pool attendant: what age is your son
Op: 8
Pool attendant: grand.*

My point being that even IF he was 10/11 complaining about a disabled child who clearly needed help is a shitty thing to do.
And no the convo was not that easy and the stares we got was awful, most were uncomfortable that someone complained (we are a regular users there and most other parents who do swimming lesson are aware of us and the situation)

I wouldn’t have a problem if the child was 11 in all honestly. I would probably be hard pressed to have a problem if he was 40, IF there were enough cubicles to accommodate me and other females.

The point being I would have no problem accommodating a disability, IF I could.

I'm guessing they're below 7 because that's the age of the changing room. They look more like 10 - 12.

And yes; maybe it's embarrassment. They get changed and watch people; or stand around naked whilst their mums shower, or mess around.

I did acknowledge that I didn't want to feel like this; and I don't always. I don't feel under threat. I'd very much like to be totally comfortable with it; but in some scenarios, I'm not.

I guess that makes me a pretty bad person - but I've tried to reduce instances of this happening and I haven't complained about the kids; so hopefully I'm not the worst.

You are saying she would not be out of order if was 10/11 but because he only looked 10/11 she is bang out of order and deserves to be raged about. That’s a thin line.

No, once again, you need to actually read what is written. What i said was that even if he looked 10/11 he also looked obviously disabled. So regardless of whether OPs son looked older or indeed was older, reporting it was shitty and the OP is therefore entitled to rage.

Well it's fine if he's 8 but at some point you will have to queue for the disabled cubicle. As you can't have an older boy in the ladies. As it's the ladies. Not the men's.

zzzzz - well i'm feeling much more informed now but at least it wasn't a nasty post :o

I have hidden this post how is it still here?

You know what I can understand why parents who are not the main carer or not a carer at all ‘don’t get it’!

My dh, I usually give him a lift to the station every morning for work. He has to be at the train station at 6. So I can leave at 5.50 and be back by 6 latest, in time to get ds up at 6.20.

Anyhow, his work times changed one day, needed a lift at 6.35. I told him I couldn’t do that, as from 6.20 i have to go upstairs and prompt ds every 5 mins, otherwise he will not get ready or be ready on time for his taxi or have time to eat etc, etc.

So DH would either have to get a taxi, walk or take his car and pay for parking. He threw his toys, he doesn’t ask for much, it’s only once, why can’t I just tell ds he has to get up and get ready etc, etc.

He is never here on school mornings, doesnt realise how hard it is, he was being a dick! Only difference is he soon realises he is being dick, apologises and makes alternative arrangements!

star hiding the post will only remove it from your own "threads i'm on" view (I think). It doesn't stop anyone else from seeing it or commenting.

I think the poster who suggested that meant that maybe it would be better for you if you couldn't see some of the horrible posts. having said that, you would also miss some of the very supportive posts from some posters too.

If you want the whole thread removed then you can only ask MNHQ to do that and they may or may not depending on your reasons.

I'm not sure exactly how to request that, but you could maybe hit the "report" bit next to a post (hopefully not one of mine) and then request in the free form box that you'd like the whole thread removed (if you do)? Other posters may have a better way to contact MNHQ though.

shed I actually worry about some posters failure to identify emotional distress and instead get angry at the OP. It doesn't bode well for dealing with their future teenagers who will more likely show upset and distress as anger. No wonder some of the posts in the teenage forum as hideous! I tend to avoid it now despite having teens myself. I just want to continually repeat, "have you tried asking them what is wrong rather than handing out punishments like they are sausage rolls at a birthday party?". It can be like chucking petrol on a smoldering firework.

Thanks for your reply @waxonfeckoff
I don’t want it removed, I feel it is important people know how we (parents of disabled kids) feel
Rightly or wrongly we do get angry and upset

Waxon meh! I don’t even know where to start or finish! It’s like talking a language no one seems to understand, unless you’ve experienced it! Well not even experienced it, some have experienced it and still ‘don’t get it’. I can only imagine the frustration for the people actually experiencing it first hand ie disabled person!

Long road ahead!

I suspect it’s difficult to challenge your thinking of ‘rules’ or what you believe to be ‘your rights’ or ‘being perceived as first’. I know that from my own DH! ‘I want to be first on occasion’ which is actually ‘right’ but in given circumstances!