To put my kids first and cancel holiday 3 weeks before potentially losing a friend

[sparklyhorse]

6 months ago on a whim I booked a 9 day trip to the US to see a close friend there and have a girls road trip. The trip is now 3 weeks away and I really want to cancel as I feel so guilty about leaving my children.

DD will is 3.5 and DS is 2. They will be with DP supported by DM, DMil and a close auntie while I'm away. I regularly work away (once a fortnight and sometimes once a week) but am only gone from 6pm one day til 11pm next day and the children are used to that.

DS is a happy, secure and well attached wee boy. I'm worried this will be disrupted by me being away and I will do irreparable damage to him and he will feel abandoned.

DD is totally different, is prone to anxiety, has a lot of meltdowns and is quite clingy to me. This was really triggered when I was in hospital for 3 days having DS and she never really seems to have recovered from it.

I'm reading what I've written above and can't believe I booked the holiday
To explain, the friend and I are very close. She lived here in the UK for many years before moving to the US for work. She has visited me yearly 4 years in a row now and I felt it was my turn to go to her. But the idea to book was totally mine.

I have Bipolar II, nothing like normal bipolar - much more mild and consists of mostly depression with the odd period of high mood and energy (not psychotic but certainly believing I can do more than I can and taking on loads of new projects). In my last high spell I signed up for an MSc AND a coaching qualification, started a new business and booked this holiday all in a 1 week period.

My friend only gets 2 weeks holiday a year and has used a week of it for this trip. I don't know what would happen to her holiday allowance if I cancel. She's so excited about the trip.

I'm not worried about the financial costs and I would cover my friends losses too. I just feel like I'm going to be damaging my relationship with her or with my children.

Am I being ridiculous?! I would dearly love to go on the holiday. I know we will have an absolutely fantastic time. I'm exhausted from being a mum, working and all that and this break would be so nice. But I feel so guilty and don't want to damage the kids with being selfish. If I could magically cancel with no consequences I would. I've even wondered about faking an illness but what could it possibly he that would be plausible?

What should I do??

Presents for us? Oh there is no need honestly, we were happy to help!

I’d love a nice box of chocolates.

Oh good!

Just being nosy, but where you planning on road tripping?

Lots of beauty & fun in my neck of the woods!

😂

Although I don’t want chocolates from America. Grab me some salt water taffy if you see it. No idea what it tastes lol 😂

Go, don’t feel guilty! Their with their other parent with help from family. It’ll be great for all of you

I’m so glad you’re going! Have a lovely time. You will be a better parent for having had a nice break.

Adding to the chorus

I always wish my mother had left me more as a kid instead of being so dependent on me and my sister

Yep, secure attachment doesn’t mean being present 24/7 in fact it can just mean they know you are coming back!

When my mum go away, once, we had a ball with my dad and auntie. Secure attachment also means knowing that other people can meet your needs.

So glad you're going, OP!! Tell us a bit about the trip so we can pretend to come with you, might do us ALL some good

Why on earth would you damage your kids?!
Just go and enjoy. And for the sake of your friend, don't pine when you get there! The 9 days will fly in and you'll be back to the drudgery soon enough

"Yep, secure attachment doesn’t mean being present 24/7 in fact it can just mean they know you are coming back!

When my mum go away, once, we had a ball with my dad and auntie. Secure attachment also means knowing that other people can meet your needs."

I really agree with this. I think there's a widespread misconception at the moment that being a good mum requires constant, 24/7 physical presence, but being emotionally available when you're there is much more important. My DM was a SAHM who never went away or had any "me" time without kids until we were in our late teens. However, what I remember from my childhood and teenage years is that my feelings were always minimised and brushed off with "you're making things difficult for ME", or "you're being ridiculous", or "you're just trying to make yourself special" (for example, when I was about 16, I vomited involuntarily after every other meal for months because of academic stress, but all I got was "well, you'd better not be anorexic because anorexics are really stupid". End of discussion, forever. I didn't realise I was just stressed and I worried alone for months that I had cancer). My DM and I would both have been happier if she'd taken the occasional three-week holiday and come back refreshed, recharged and better able to meet her kids' needs.

and this

Exactly!

My mum was a 24/7 martyr

Life would have been SO much nicer if she’d gone off and recharged herself every so often. She was ever-present, but so perpetually stressed and drained her presence held no joy for us. We have a very emotionally distant relationship now.

I've just come back from a holiday I booked on a high and am going again in 3 weeks. Also done the signing up for another degree thing. Bipolar has a lot to answer for!

But guess what- you can go. The worlds not going to stop turning. The children aren't going to be damaged.

But most of all it will give you some 'me time' that will be needed. Think of the benefit to your mental health. (Just don't do anything like seeing a job over there and applying because it would be great to move your family stateside! Lol you know what it's like) have an amazing time though and bring back special gifts for your dc.

I travel for work. When I get back DH and the kids seem closer and they are less clingy to me. It's good for them, actually - they do things together that I don't organise, they play different games, etc. And ultimately it's good for them to know that you are your own person with your own life, and that they have many caring adults.

@sparklyhorse, must be only a few days away now, you good to go?

alphajuliet123 yes I leave on Friday. I've been ill with a chest infection so hoping it clears up soon. I was feeling ok until conversation with DM this morning where she pointed out is a was a very long time to leave the kids and she wondered what the effect would be. Along with reminding me how wearing long flights are and telling me about a friend who was robbed of their travel money at airport transfer. Joy

You can always trust mothers to put a dampner on things! It's 9 days, not 9 years and they'll be with Dad. They'll no doubt have a whale of a time, as will you.

Enjoy!

sparklyhorse
I know everyone else is saying go on holiday but I wouldn't. I know how you feel as my youngest son is like this, he doesn't even like my mum to look after him!
Your children will be fine if you go, and I'm sure it wouldn't do any harm to them in the long term, I just thought you would like to hear a different perspective from someone that knows where you are coming from.

9 days, its barely just over a week. I dont think its a long time x

Wait sorry I read that wrong, i thought it was a 3 week holiday haha.
I wpuld probably do 9 days that's not as bad

You are going to have the most amazing time, and eyebrows you get home everyone will appreciate all the more! I’m jealous, what an experience, just enjoy it!

Eyebrows?? I meant by the time you get home...

@sparklyhorse how was the roadtrip?!