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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my kids first and cancel holiday 3 weeks before potentially losing a friend

171 replies

sparklyhorse · 07/05/2018 23:01

6 months ago on a whim I booked a 9 day trip to the US to see a close friend there and have a girls road trip. The trip is now 3 weeks away and I really want to cancel as I feel so guilty about leaving my children.

DD will is 3.5 and DS is 2. They will be with DP supported by DM, DMil and a close auntie while I'm away. I regularly work away (once a fortnight and sometimes once a week) but am only gone from 6pm one day til 11pm next day and the children are used to that.

DS is a happy, secure and well attached wee boy. I'm worried this will be disrupted by me being away and I will do irreparable damage to him and he will feel abandoned.

DD is totally different, is prone to anxiety, has a lot of meltdowns and is quite clingy to me. This was really triggered when I was in hospital for 3 days having DS and she never really seems to have recovered from it.

I'm reading what I've written above and can't believe I booked the holiday Blush
To explain, the friend and I are very close. She lived here in the UK for many years before moving to the US for work. She has visited me yearly 4 years in a row now and I felt it was my turn to go to her. But the idea to book was totally mine.

I have Bipolar II, nothing like normal bipolar - much more mild and consists of mostly depression with the odd period of high mood and energy (not psychotic but certainly believing I can do more than I can and taking on loads of new projects). In my last high spell I signed up for an MSc AND a coaching qualification, started a new business and booked this holiday all in a 1 week period.

My friend only gets 2 weeks holiday a year and has used a week of it for this trip. I don't know what would happen to her holiday allowance if I cancel. She's so excited about the trip.

I'm not worried about the financial costs and I would cover my friends losses too. I just feel like I'm going to be damaging my relationship with her or with my children.

Am I being ridiculous?! I would dearly love to go on the holiday. I know we will have an absolutely fantastic time. I'm exhausted from being a mum, working and all that and this break would be so nice. But I feel so guilty and don't want to damage the kids with being selfish. If I could magically cancel with no consequences I would. I've even wondered about faking an illness but what could it possibly he that would be plausible?

What should I do??

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 08/05/2018 08:01

GO!

ShowMeTheElf · 08/05/2018 08:09

This is a great opportunity for your DD especially to form strong bonds with other adults in her life which is good for all of you.
Plus you get some 'me' time and get to catch up with your lovely friend.
Please go. You have 3 weeks to put skype on your phone/laptop/whatever and it's not an arctic expedition: you will be contactable every day if you or she are worried. Realistically I'd arrange to call/facetime/skype every couple of days rather than every day so the schedule doesn't become a dependency.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 08/05/2018 08:09

Reading your second post, i absolurely would take a holiday. And i do wonder if your mental health is playing a part, however not the up period that you alluded too, that your

Groovee · 08/05/2018 08:10

I would go. I went to New York to visit my cousin when my 2 were 6 and 3 for a week. I had a ball.

diddl · 08/05/2018 08:12

" We do deep breathing, mediation, massage, we name our feelings, we read books about emotions and worries."

She's 3.5!!

Why does she need any of that?

Naming feelings?

AjasLipstick · 08/05/2018 08:14

Diddl I do think it's useful to name feelings...as in teaching small children what different emotions are and that they're normal.

QuitMoaning · 08/05/2018 08:14

Go! When my son was 2 I had the opportunity of a special holiday with my aunt (Egyptian cruise). I was a single parent but his father jumped at chance to have him for the week. I had the time of my life and my son had a good time with his dad when I came back, and my bond with my son was exactly the same, I was just rested and excited.

DevilsDoorbell · 08/05/2018 08:15

You will all benefit from you taking some time out. Go and enjoy the break.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 08/05/2018 08:16

Sorry i had a text message and presed post not send.

Reading your second post, i absolurely would take a holiday. And i do wonder if your mental health is playing a part, however not the up period that you alluded too, that your deptessipn and anxiety are making you feel uneasy.

As for your ralationship with your mum you say shes a great grandma, although she wasnt there for you but is she there for your children. I know its difficult but hope to seperate the two relationships.

Your relationship maybe you could do with a bit of time away to take stock. It cant be easy living in the same house as some one your not feeling secure with.

Im not sure my coments are helpful just my thpughts

diddl · 08/05/2018 08:19

".as in teaching small children what different emotions are and that they're normal."

True-as they occur.

It reads to me as if it's very formal & time is taken out to do it rather than it just being natural.

Liz38 · 08/05/2018 08:23

Go! My DH has gone away regularly since DD was born (once a year for a hobby related holiday) and depending on her age she's missed him more or less but she's never been traumatised. He's very hands on so it's not as though she wouldn't notice him being away.

Ohmydayslove · 08/05/2018 08:26

Go enjoy you and they will be fine

AChickenCalledKorma · 08/05/2018 08:28

Can you think about it this way - when you get back from your holiday, you will be rested and refreshed. You will have looked after a good friendship with someone who is looking forward to seeing you. And very importantly, you will have had time to take stock and remember who you are as a person in your own right.

Your children will have had the chance to strengthen their relationship with all the other people who love and care for them.

Those nine days may well be of benefit to your children in the long term, because you will come back with much more energy to look after them and they will have learned that the world does not end if mummy isn't around for a few days.

Tinkobell · 08/05/2018 08:35

I'm sure you wouldn't lose the friend, but go do the trip! sounds fab! Do it!!!

LoveProsecco · 08/05/2018 08:36

Go! Sounds like an amazing trip and you can't let your friend down.

Your children clearly have an amazing support system in place and this may be great for your DD to be without you for a few days.

Tell how you need her to be an amazing sister/DD and be so helpful while you're away. Get her to draw you a picture every day of something she did that day and set up Face-time or Skype

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 08/05/2018 08:37

You definitely need the mental & physical break.
The self care of yourself is also an investment in being a (less exhausted, stressed mother).Have a great holiday!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/05/2018 08:43

Go. It'll do you all the world of good; including your friend.

Also keep an eye on the Type 2: is it possible you're in the flatline after the high and that's making you doubt things? I think you'll be really sad when you level out a bit if you don't go.

Furano · 08/05/2018 08:46

OMG if you cancelled at this notice for virtually no reason (you have basically just changed your mind)!i don’t see how our friendship could recover.

WellThisIsShit · 08/05/2018 08:51

I think it’s a good idea. Time away with a good friend to give you space and recharge very drained batteries, and perspective on a lot of the problems you have going round your head right now.

Btw, I stumbled upon naming emotions with ds and it was really great for making them less big and scary :)

LittleLionMansMummy · 08/05/2018 08:53

It's pretty unanimous op, go and enjoy the holiday. I totally understand your feelings, but they will be fine with their dad! If you can Skype or FaceTime that will help reassure you that they're fine. Attachment is about ongoing responsiveness to their needs and they are already securely attached, which is the key thing. You have proven to them countless times that you always return and are a devoted, caring and responsive parent. Nine days is a small blip in a lifetime of devotion to them and you deserve a break. They won't even remember it.

Family123 · 08/05/2018 08:54

OP this was me a few years ago! It was for a weekend abroad, and Incould not sleep for weeks before. Guilt, worry, panic...I was a mess. I was so near cancelling. My mum said, look, if you don’t go you will never go away without them. Just do it.
I did. Had a great time. Kids were fine. Youngest is clingy, (just had drama at school drop off and he is 5!) but he really was ok.
Just do it. I know it’s hard but once you’re here you will have a ball.

Loonoon · 08/05/2018 08:58

GO! It will do everyone good for you to have a break and some fun.

FWIW when I did similar trips when DC were small they each had little boxes that I used to 'fill with kisses' for them before I left. They could open the lid an inch or two to get a kiss out whenever they wanted. It worked until after they started school! They are both grown up now but the kiss boxes are still around though sadly I no longer get to fill them.

loveWhodunnits · 08/05/2018 09:05

Go on holiday!

These children have a father, right?!

Lizzie48 · 08/05/2018 09:12

This is called having cold feet, which most of us understand, but it's being magnified by your Bipolar II. From what you've shared, you really need this holiday. You'll have an amazing time, and you'll be able to Skype or FaceTime your DCs and share the experience with them. I have a close friend who I go away with for a couple of nights every now and again, and it's a great chance for us both to unwind. Smile

3luckystars · 08/05/2018 09:19

I know exactly how you feel. I do this every single time I go anywhere!!! (Except I actually get sick with the stress) but I still think you should go.

I know it’s not easy for you to go but take it one step at a time. Go on the flight and meet your friend, you can always pretend to get sick and come home after a day. (This won’t happen but it’s giving you a way out)
Just take little little steps and know that you can come home at any time. keep posting here every day and we will encourage you.

You are doing this for your family , you will be feeling great after the holiday and they will 100% benefit from that, and your children will be well looked after when you are gone.

Definitely go, don’t let the fear get to you, just do an Indiana Jones and it will be ok.