To put my kids first and cancel holiday 3 weeks before potentially losing a friend

[sparklyhorse]

6 months ago on a whim I booked a 9 day trip to the US to see a close friend there and have a girls road trip. The trip is now 3 weeks away and I really want to cancel as I feel so guilty about leaving my children.

DD will is 3.5 and DS is 2. They will be with DP supported by DM, DMil and a close auntie while I'm away. I regularly work away (once a fortnight and sometimes once a week) but am only gone from 6pm one day til 11pm next day and the children are used to that.

DS is a happy, secure and well attached wee boy. I'm worried this will be disrupted by me being away and I will do irreparable damage to him and he will feel abandoned.

DD is totally different, is prone to anxiety, has a lot of meltdowns and is quite clingy to me. This was really triggered when I was in hospital for 3 days having DS and she never really seems to have recovered from it.

I'm reading what I've written above and can't believe I booked the holiday
To explain, the friend and I are very close. She lived here in the UK for many years before moving to the US for work. She has visited me yearly 4 years in a row now and I felt it was my turn to go to her. But the idea to book was totally mine.

I have Bipolar II, nothing like normal bipolar - much more mild and consists of mostly depression with the odd period of high mood and energy (not psychotic but certainly believing I can do more than I can and taking on loads of new projects). In my last high spell I signed up for an MSc AND a coaching qualification, started a new business and booked this holiday all in a 1 week period.

My friend only gets 2 weeks holiday a year and has used a week of it for this trip. I don't know what would happen to her holiday allowance if I cancel. She's so excited about the trip.

I'm not worried about the financial costs and I would cover my friends losses too. I just feel like I'm going to be damaging my relationship with her or with my children.

Am I being ridiculous?! I would dearly love to go on the holiday. I know we will have an absolutely fantastic time. I'm exhausted from being a mum, working and all that and this break would be so nice. But I feel so guilty and don't want to damage the kids with being selfish. If I could magically cancel with no consequences I would. I've even wondered about faking an illness but what could it possibly he that would be plausible?

What should I do??

You are not putting your children first if you teach them they can’t survive without you when they clearly have a loving father and grandparents. Their relationships with other people will blossom while you are away. And you will benefit so much too! You should go and enjoy yourself. You will miss them sometimes and they will miss you, but everyone will learn that they can enjoy things apart and afterwards, have the joy of a reunion.

Go- enjoy

OP your kiddies are still young when they are older trust me you will not be able to go away.

Go have a trip of a lifetime and enjoy it because occasions like these do not come up very often.

OP, I’m usually 100% do what’s best for your kids but in these circumstances go on holiday! They will be absolutely fine and probably after tears when you leave and tears at the first couple of bedtimes - it will be mummy, who?

I imagine grandmas and auntie will throughly spoil them and DP will be left with all your usual jobs and you will come home to a new found level of appreciation as well as more relaxed with lovely memories.

Go!

Also , I know someone who really doesn’t give any time to her children, she is pretty ruthless and even she came to me before she went on a short holiday without them and was tearing up and panicking about leaving them! I just thought ‘we all go through this don’t we’

My son has asd. During my pregnancy I felt as you describe but I think that was because of him, not me. Does that make sense? He is who he is and I love him completely but we are very different!! During the pregnancy with my daughter I started wearing pink things and even bought pink shoes, I think she also had an effect on me too.

Anyway sorry for throwing in these random thoughts but I’m just trying to untick your boxes of excuses.

My parents went away together for a week when I was about four, leaving me and my younger sister behind. I remember it... In the sense that I remember what a wonderful time we had being spoiled by granny :)

Go. It will be good for everyone. I also wonder a bit about a PP's point of you projecting your anxiety into your DD and all the very "adult" strategies you are using on her Vs just being her stable secure space. I think continuing to work on your own anxiety (and going on this holiday) might ultimately be of more benefit to her, but I am 100% amateur here - if you are following a plan/approach recommended by a professional with DD here crack on.

If you are worried about phone calls/Skype, I have found with younger children, sending a daily short video can be better. They can watch it when they want (and more than once also!) and it seems to be less upsetting than a call 'ending'. Have a great time!

Go. Go, go, go. It sounds like you need a holiday. You want to go, and the chances are you will have a great time.

Besides which, your friend will be devastated if you cancel at this late stage. You could easily wreck the friendship by doing that - if I were your friend, I don't think I could forgive you for that.

I agree with Merrily about the video idea. Skype etc can actually make little ones feel worse about the separation - in some ways, out of sight/out of mind is a better approach!

Definitely go!!!
You wouldn’t be putting your children first if you stayed, your children will be absolutely fine, and will hopefully become less anxious and clingy to you. You’d be putting yourself first and doing a really awful thing to a friend.
I left baby DS (5mths) overnight for the first time at the weekend - I was worried and he couldn’t care a less! He had a lovely time!
I’m also going to Spain with friends in a couple of weeks for 3nts...I’m going to miss DS so much and have definitely had wobbles about going, but he’ll be with his daddy, grandparents and aunt and is going to have an amazing time. And I deserve a break. And I want DS to grow up confident and happy when he’s away from me and looked after by family. (And I say that as a softie who cosleeps and still cuddles him for naps!)
Have a great trip!

Please go. Your children are going to be surrounded by responsible adults who love them. You deserve your friends and your own life and a break.

Go! I travel a lot for work and have always found that calling them in their morning works much better than calling them before their bedtime, when they are tired and much more prone to getting all emotional.

Just go and enjoy yourself and stop beating yourself up. Kids are resilient and you’re reading too much into things. A happy well rested mother is much more valuable to them, plus they get to enjoy a long spell of quality 1-1 time with their father and wider family, which they’ll probably love!

Please go. It will go by in an instant and your children won't remember it. You will!!!!!

Go. You'll regret it if you don't, and that could be more damaging to your relationship with your children.

My mother used to do an evening activity when I was young (yoga, maybe) but stopped because I'd get upset when she left, despite me being with my dad and sister. I honestly believe it was the wrong thing to do, partly because I can't imagine me being upset in that scenario would have done me long-term harm, but also because she decided she could never do anything on her own as I'd complain, which reduced her social life, which she still blames me for. I was a CHILD. It was not my fault, she made the decision.

Please go!

Another vote for GO!

Your children will be absolutely fine and well looked after.

You can't let your friend down at this late stage, covering her financial losses won't make it up to her. I think it would ruin your friendship in the long run.

I went away without my children and the times they do remember they remember having fun with their dad/grandparents etc. My parents still talk about the times they looked after the girls, the funny things they said and did and this was over twenty years ago

I lean towards the side of attachment parenting, am usually the first to say to people don't leave babies if they don't want to but in this case I say GO! you've had a lot on, could do with the break, there's a wide range of loving family to care for DC, they're not babies - GO and enjoy yourself!

It might do you all good! You, the children and your dh. Won’t know unless you try

Not rtft but Go Go Go .
DH and I go away for up to a week every year withoit the kids and leave them with gran. Every year I have the same doubts (i always worry our plane crashes 😱), but once we’re away, we love it and all worries disappear. Stop worrying, decide to go and not give it more thought. You’ll have a great time and it’s very healthy to have some time on your own with a good friend.

GO!!

Another one here who left her toddler to go on holiday (many moons ago). DGM kept her occupied and totally distracted if she ever mentioned me. She had loads of fun and managed fine. I rang home to check on her but never spoke to her.

In fact my DD has never had any recollection of me being away at all.

GO. GO GO GO GO GO GO GO.

My DM apparently escaped the craziness of double toddlerdom went on holiday to stay with friends for a week when my sister and I were a similar age to your two. There was much weeping and wailing, apparently. We have zero memory of it, and she still talked about it fondly forty years later.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh OP but if you don't go - please don't blame your children as such. They will be fine. I think you know this too - intellectually. All of the things the others said about letting them enjoy their grandparents etc apply. Having them see you confident and happy - you go and you come back! All good.

You are the one suffering from the anxiety. It's obviously not so simple to just tell someone not to feel this way! I feel like there could be 800 posts saying the same thing and you still might cancel it. It's normal to be worried and even dread a long trip (I travel for work and even if it's two days I dread it.) One thing that helps me a bit is realising that my feelings are not unique - everyone feels this way. And once the trip is underway, it's fine. They're fine and I'm fine. Staying in the UK is for you, not your kids who will definitely be fine. If you're worried about hurting someone - think about your friend and the consequences for her.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I'm definitely going to go and am going to take up the great suggestions about leaving behind something nice, calling in the morning and sending a video in the evening instead of calling. Will definitely bring back presents!

That's great! One of the most unanimous AIBUs in a while! Let us know how it goes.

Well done, OP, it will be really good for you. I'm jealous actually. I would love to get away for a road trip in the US with my friend. Maybe one day!!