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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my kids first and cancel holiday 3 weeks before potentially losing a friend

171 replies

sparklyhorse · 07/05/2018 23:01

6 months ago on a whim I booked a 9 day trip to the US to see a close friend there and have a girls road trip. The trip is now 3 weeks away and I really want to cancel as I feel so guilty about leaving my children.

DD will is 3.5 and DS is 2. They will be with DP supported by DM, DMil and a close auntie while I'm away. I regularly work away (once a fortnight and sometimes once a week) but am only gone from 6pm one day til 11pm next day and the children are used to that.

DS is a happy, secure and well attached wee boy. I'm worried this will be disrupted by me being away and I will do irreparable damage to him and he will feel abandoned.

DD is totally different, is prone to anxiety, has a lot of meltdowns and is quite clingy to me. This was really triggered when I was in hospital for 3 days having DS and she never really seems to have recovered from it.

I'm reading what I've written above and can't believe I booked the holiday Blush
To explain, the friend and I are very close. She lived here in the UK for many years before moving to the US for work. She has visited me yearly 4 years in a row now and I felt it was my turn to go to her. But the idea to book was totally mine.

I have Bipolar II, nothing like normal bipolar - much more mild and consists of mostly depression with the odd period of high mood and energy (not psychotic but certainly believing I can do more than I can and taking on loads of new projects). In my last high spell I signed up for an MSc AND a coaching qualification, started a new business and booked this holiday all in a 1 week period.

My friend only gets 2 weeks holiday a year and has used a week of it for this trip. I don't know what would happen to her holiday allowance if I cancel. She's so excited about the trip.

I'm not worried about the financial costs and I would cover my friends losses too. I just feel like I'm going to be damaging my relationship with her or with my children.

Am I being ridiculous?! I would dearly love to go on the holiday. I know we will have an absolutely fantastic time. I'm exhausted from being a mum, working and all that and this break would be so nice. But I feel so guilty and don't want to damage the kids with being selfish. If I could magically cancel with no consequences I would. I've even wondered about faking an illness but what could it possibly he that would be plausible?

What should I do??

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 08/05/2018 04:47

It’s not “putting your kids first” to encourage this kind of emotional dependency. Your little girl has a huge support network, go away on your holiday and let her take advantage of it.

I wonder if she’s picking up on your own separation anxiety.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/05/2018 05:11

Do you have an iPad or similar? Record a couple of videos that your dd can watch of you telling her how much you love her and what you enjoy doing with her. Maybe video her doing things and talking about it as well. Then when you go away, send a video so that’s like some kind of daily diary so that she can watch it and feel connected with you.

My dd was incredibly clingy with me up to about 7. She used to stand crying at the window whenever I left her. Sometimes dh would cakl when I’d only gone out so that I could speak to her. This happened every time even when I only left her for a couple of hours or even took the dog for a walk. You have to go. I do understand the heart renching feelings. I got them every time I left dd.

flumpybear · 08/05/2018 05:17

Go for goodness sake, I have a holiday with my best friend every so often for a week, we skype our kids, miss them and vice Verda but that's ok - have some carers leave!!! Enjoy and put pix on here Wink

FindoGask · 08/05/2018 05:22

I went away to a friend's wedding in the US when my youngest was a similar age. The children were totally fine, though I had been as worried as you are, and I had a wonderful time that I still treasure. I hope you go!

Skittlesandbeer · 08/05/2018 06:01

Skype/FaceTime will make all the difference.

I did my first trip away from DD last year. I have anxiety & hypervigilance issues. It nearly killed me in the 2 weeks before I left.

Honestly, when the plane door closed (the no turning back point?) my frame of mind did a 180 degree turn.

I’m very glad now that I pushed through. And I think it will be even better for you- I didn’t have family back-up like you do, and I was flying long-haul to look after my elderly granny. Not exactly the Thelma & Louise (but with a happy ending) holiday that you’ll have!

I use that experience often, to remind myself what I’m actually capable of. It helps in the low times a lot.

rwalker · 08/05/2018 06:07

GO GO GO have a good time there with dp be fine . Used to love it when kids were small and wife went to parent for weekend get that 1 2 1 with kids.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 08/05/2018 06:27

I was away from dc1 for (IIRC) nearly a week (work-related) when he was just 3. He wasn't particularly clingy but was still bf. He was fine.

Your dd will adjust and if all goes well this may actually help/resolve her anxiety. Tbph I probably wouldn't have booked that holiday in your circumstances, but now it's done I think you should go.

Tumbleweed101 · 08/05/2018 06:32

Go and enjoy it.

I understand though. I’m going away for three weeks and leaving the children home with their Dad. My youngest is nearly 9. But do feel a bit guilty I could have spent same money of a family holiday. However I can’t wait!

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 08/05/2018 06:34

Go, the kids will be fine! You won't do any damage to them, they will have many many people looking after them and meeting their needs.

EeebyMum · 08/05/2018 06:41

Oh please go, please please. A road trip across the US with a close friend is too good to miss. Your kids will be fine. Go, enjoy yourself.

Swissgemma · 08/05/2018 06:51

Go. Your DC will be fine. you will come back and show them that you will always come back! just use facetime/skype to see them! I regularly go away (since my DS was 1) the longest has been 10 days.... usually only 3-4 days... he has dad and son time and loves telling me what he's done all day while I was gone!

It's really good for your DC development to realise that although you go away you come back again and that they can survive without you!

NorthernKnickers · 08/05/2018 06:54

One more thing to add (as well as GO!) is that it does sound a little like you might be projecting your own anxieties into your DD...which isn't great. It may want to consider getting some help/support for this otherwise she too could grow up with issues xx

glitterbiscuits · 08/05/2018 06:55

Go.

And relax.

80sMum · 08/05/2018 06:59

I would say that you should definitely not cancel the holiday, OP. It would be very unfair on your friend if you cancelled this late in the day. Children are pretty resilient; they will be ok. Just go and enjoy the trip with your friend. Smile

Lifeontheoceanwave · 08/05/2018 06:59

Go my DH is away for over a week with work every few months - DSis fine. Enjoy your holidays

BalthazarImpresario · 08/05/2018 07:12

A secure attachment is not about never being away from them, it's more about the egotism needs being met rather than physical.

You really sound like you need a holiday, it sounds like it could be good for your dd to find security in her dad while you are gone.

I go away every year with my friends and have done since dc2 was 8 months old, very good relationship with both.

This isn't going to do them any harm, go enjoy what sounds like an amazing holiday because when they are older they won't remember but if you don't go you will remember missing out.

VickieCherry · 08/05/2018 07:17

Go. And I know a bit about Bipolar II - is there any chance you're in a downward spiral right now? That change in mood will make you question your choices when you were up.

This sounds like a perfectly reasonable, lovely thing to do which you and your friend will benefit from. You have a responsibility to your friend as well as your children, and you know they'll be well looked after. They will be fine.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 08/05/2018 07:17

I wouldn’t have gone in the days before FaceTime/Skype but now I would, like a shot. Your DD has good support at home, and you can see her every day by video call. My parents used to take a holiday without us DCs regularly, in the days when contact home was a postcard. We stayed with DGM. It was the norm and we thought nothing of it.

saison4 · 08/05/2018 07:21

Go!!!

Shrodingerslion · 08/05/2018 07:22

I always wish my mother had left me more as a kid instead of being so dependent on me and my sister. We both suffer anxiety and it took me until the age of 30 to have confidence to do the job I wanted after lots of counselling.

Go and don’t feel guilty.

madeyemoodysmum · 08/05/2018 07:26

Go. Kids will be fine Think about yr friend. How would you feel if you saved your precious holiday and then they let you down at the final hurdle.

Friendship over.

You will have a lovely trip.

Namechange128 · 08/05/2018 07:34

Go! Your children will still be with a parent and loving care. My eldest was also very clingy and now I wish I had done more away when she was little - 'leaning in' and staying close as she wished didn't seem to give her the security to let go, it actually got better at 4 when I started travelling for work and she saw that my DH was an equal parent and equally able to comfort her. In the meantime though I'd lost a lot of myself and my friendships by turning down so many dinners, little trips etc.

Your DC are fine, this is a big trip, and old friendship is so important. Have fun!

BewareOfDragons · 08/05/2018 07:36

Go on the holiday. Go. Go. Go.

You need it.

Your children need it.

Your DH needs it.

Your DH and extended family will look after your children. And it will make him step up more and be seen as a 'go to' parent by his children as much as you are, which is a good thing for all of you for the long run.

LeeLooDallasMultiPass · 08/05/2018 07:41

Go.

Dh and I went to Venice for 4 days when Ds1 was 2 and he stayed with both sets of Grandparents for 2 days each. He had a whale of a time.

This is not about putting your children first or second. This is about you. You are not just a Mother, you are an adult who needs a holiday and you will have a great time. Your Dh can cope, and he has support.

Enjoy yourself, you deserve it.

Rainydaydog · 08/05/2018 07:50

About your mum I don't know about your situation but sometimes Grandparents do better second time around with less pressure on them than being the parent and always in charge. My mum had a lot of problems with her mum growing up, but I got on with my GM really well. She had learned from her mistakes and found it easier looking after me on a limited basis and not being overall responsible for me. So if you find your mum is better with the dc than she was with you this may be why.