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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my kids first and cancel holiday 3 weeks before potentially losing a friend

171 replies

sparklyhorse · 07/05/2018 23:01

6 months ago on a whim I booked a 9 day trip to the US to see a close friend there and have a girls road trip. The trip is now 3 weeks away and I really want to cancel as I feel so guilty about leaving my children.

DD will is 3.5 and DS is 2. They will be with DP supported by DM, DMil and a close auntie while I'm away. I regularly work away (once a fortnight and sometimes once a week) but am only gone from 6pm one day til 11pm next day and the children are used to that.

DS is a happy, secure and well attached wee boy. I'm worried this will be disrupted by me being away and I will do irreparable damage to him and he will feel abandoned.

DD is totally different, is prone to anxiety, has a lot of meltdowns and is quite clingy to me. This was really triggered when I was in hospital for 3 days having DS and she never really seems to have recovered from it.

I'm reading what I've written above and can't believe I booked the holiday Blush
To explain, the friend and I are very close. She lived here in the UK for many years before moving to the US for work. She has visited me yearly 4 years in a row now and I felt it was my turn to go to her. But the idea to book was totally mine.

I have Bipolar II, nothing like normal bipolar - much more mild and consists of mostly depression with the odd period of high mood and energy (not psychotic but certainly believing I can do more than I can and taking on loads of new projects). In my last high spell I signed up for an MSc AND a coaching qualification, started a new business and booked this holiday all in a 1 week period.

My friend only gets 2 weeks holiday a year and has used a week of it for this trip. I don't know what would happen to her holiday allowance if I cancel. She's so excited about the trip.

I'm not worried about the financial costs and I would cover my friends losses too. I just feel like I'm going to be damaging my relationship with her or with my children.

Am I being ridiculous?! I would dearly love to go on the holiday. I know we will have an absolutely fantastic time. I'm exhausted from being a mum, working and all that and this break would be so nice. But I feel so guilty and don't want to damage the kids with being selfish. If I could magically cancel with no consequences I would. I've even wondered about faking an illness but what could it possibly he that would be plausible?

What should I do??

OP posts:
CommanderDaisy · 07/05/2018 23:24

Go.

The kids will be fine, and if anything it's likely to build the relationship they have with their father and grandparents, and reduce the clinginess to you.

If I was your friend and you cancelled on the reasons you are giving - I think the relationship would probably not recover. The selfishness you are descibing should actually be being applied to how you are contemplating dumping your friend in it - who has minimal annual leave, who is excited and has been planning it for ages. That is selfish.

FlapAttack23 · 07/05/2018 23:26

Go go go. Will be fine. Honestly they will be fine. You booked it as you needed it and to cancel know will leave you a constant future of "what if". Go

ohtheholidays · 07/05/2018 23:26

Please go OP it sounds like you could really do with the holiday and just think how happy your friend will be when she see's you.

If anything this could really help your DD,seeing that Mummy comes back and is fine and very happy and very well.That way she gets to see it as something positive,very positive even if Mummy comes back with a lovely present or 2 for her.

Missingstreetlife · 07/05/2018 23:30

Go! It's only just over a week. You can Skype. Send them and dh a postcard before you leave, they will like getting it.
Have lovely time

Lalliella · 07/05/2018 23:31

It’s looking pretty unanimous OP Grin

ZenNudist · 07/05/2018 23:33

Go. Easy to whatsapp video call or facetime so you can still ser and talk to dc every day.

Its so not on to pull out on your friend now. She will have done so much in anticipation. If she hadnt booked this trip its likely she woukd have another planned. she needs a holiday too.

Your dh has this. Dc will be fine. I think it will do them good to spend time with him.

Fruitcorner123 · 07/05/2018 23:34

I also think you should go. if it helps why not agree with yourself that if DD isn't coping you will head home early. It might make you feel less anxious. (even if you wouldnt actually do it) they will be with their dad and grandparents not a random babysitter

If your friend visits you next year then maybe the year after you will feel you can take the DCs with you.

MismatchedPJs · 07/05/2018 23:36

Go.

Skype the kids a lot, and maybe make a countdown thing for DD with photos so she can understand when you will be back. It is probably tempting not to prepare her so as not to worry her, but my experience is my anxious children cope better in the long term if they are prepared, even if that means a bit of upset at the beginning. It gives them a chance to process it.

I would also get your DP to put some treats on it to give her something else to focus on - pizza, outing with granny.

FASH84 · 07/05/2018 23:37

Another go OP to add to the unanimous total! Sometimes I love MN...

Original poster
sparklyhorse · 07/05/2018 23:37

Wow! I wasn't expecting quite such a unanimous response..
I think a few things have been feeding my anxiety.

  1. I don't have a good relationship with my DM (She is great with DCs though) and I've been having therapy and reading books on emotionally absent parents. I notice I do sometimes do some of the crappy behaviours my mum did and i really don't want to do that. I want to be a good mum.
  2. I had severe prenatal anxiety when pregnant with DD and I am convinced that's why she struggles so much with anxiety and moods and doesn't seem securely attached. I feel so guilty about it. I've worked really hard to help her with this but nothing seems to help. We do deep breathing, mediation, massage, we name our feelings, we read books about emotions and worries. I like the suggestion of getting more help and I will start looking. I really don't want to make it worse.
  3. I've been having massive work stress lately along with having builders in the hoise who have done the usual half job and made loads of mistakes. So I've been having to make phone calls, be on computer and have been so short tempered and unavailable to DCs for about a month now. I feel so bad for then leaving them. On the other hand I can see I could use it as an opportunity to recharge myself and come back a better mummy who pays more attention
  4. My relationship with DP isn't good and it's playing on my mind a lot. We get on well and no issues that kids see nut we are essentially separated but living in the same house. I think I'm worrying about hurting the kids if we split up.

I'm reading that back and seeing I'm just up to my eyeballs and a holiday would be great Grin

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 07/05/2018 23:39

It will also be good for you to gain perspective in life and making plans for going forward Smile

timeisnotaline · 07/05/2018 23:41

Go on holiday. Your children have two parents.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 07/05/2018 23:42

Even so... go, it is not such a long time, and these kind of trips is what remind you of who you are, which we often tend to forget with so many parenting demands.

Original poster
sparklyhorse · 07/05/2018 23:43

I'm wondering about the phoning. I did it for a while when I worked away but DD gets really upset. She's happy to see me and talk to me and she really loves me showing her where I am. But when I have to go she gets so so upset and inconsolable and I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/05/2018 23:43

Yep go. It's been booked for months. You're not shoving your kids into a locker at the airport. You're leaving them with family.
The holiday will go you good.

Original poster
sparklyhorse · 07/05/2018 23:44

Work away not worked away..

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 07/05/2018 23:44

Oh God you've got to go! GO! And that's coming from the world's most insecure and paranoid Mother.

Wolfiefan · 07/05/2018 23:45

You're really overthinking things. Kids being upset for half a minute over the phone won't damage them.
Abuse and neglect would do so.
A short period away from them. More likely to give you some perspective and bring home a revitalised you!

Scrabbler3 · 07/05/2018 23:45

You need a break by the sound of it. Go.

It'll do your daughter good, probably.

balsamicbarbara · 07/05/2018 23:46

You should go because it will be good for them (all) even if it doesn't seem that way at first.

I never spent a single day away from my parents growing up and it has had negative repercussions on my life even though I was happy with it as a child.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 07/05/2018 23:49

From your 23:37 post it sounds like you really need a holiday!

Maybe instead of phoning you could send photos. That way she can still see where you are and what you are up to, but without the upset of having to say goodbye. She might also enjoy taking some photos of her day to send back to you.

ShinyShooney · 07/05/2018 23:54

DD is 3.5. They get upset at that age. That's normal not life damaging.

TenancyTroublesAgain · 07/05/2018 23:56

Go!!!

AcrossthePond55 · 08/05/2018 00:05

Oh, do go! We recently had a period of horrible stress on the homefront and DH and I went back to our counselor to help work things through. She expressed some concern for me as far as internalizing stress goes. When I told her I was thinking of visiting my cousin she pretty much ordered me to go! She said that it would be good for me to get out of the stressful situation and decompress. And she was right! I had a wonderful time and came home refreshed, renewed, and ready to pick up the gauntlet.

Your children will be fine. Remember that they can pick up on our moods so a happy more relaxed Mummy will be good for your DD. If you find that phone calls 'ramp her up' then consider making a few short videos of yourself, reading stories or singing songs that she can play whenever she wants so that actual calls don't have to be as frequent. You might also consider ordering a few inexpensive trinkets or sweets on Amazon before you leave, wrap them and arrange for DP to give her one every few days and say 'Look what Mummy sent you from America!!'. Chances are she's too young to ask too many questions about mail delivery!

MiddleClassProblem · 08/05/2018 00:06

Don’t say bye when you end the chat. Just say something else. Make sure you’re light hearted about it too. If in doubt do a silly face.

There’s a lot of anxiety coming off you in these posts. There’s a chance that it’s rubbing off on DD a little too. Plenty of us do this from time to time! Just try and follow you’re own advice and maybe watch her meltdowns and see if they’re all anxiety or some might be just normal toddler behaviour?

I’m not saying this is what it is. She might be a naturally anxious child but I feel it’s wkrth mentioning as it feels like you are in a high state of anxiety atm (understandable given everything that’s going on) that’s drawing less rational anxieties into it too.

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