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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my kids first and cancel holiday 3 weeks before potentially losing a friend

171 replies

sparklyhorse · 07/05/2018 23:01

6 months ago on a whim I booked a 9 day trip to the US to see a close friend there and have a girls road trip. The trip is now 3 weeks away and I really want to cancel as I feel so guilty about leaving my children.

DD will is 3.5 and DS is 2. They will be with DP supported by DM, DMil and a close auntie while I'm away. I regularly work away (once a fortnight and sometimes once a week) but am only gone from 6pm one day til 11pm next day and the children are used to that.

DS is a happy, secure and well attached wee boy. I'm worried this will be disrupted by me being away and I will do irreparable damage to him and he will feel abandoned.

DD is totally different, is prone to anxiety, has a lot of meltdowns and is quite clingy to me. This was really triggered when I was in hospital for 3 days having DS and she never really seems to have recovered from it.

I'm reading what I've written above and can't believe I booked the holiday Blush
To explain, the friend and I are very close. She lived here in the UK for many years before moving to the US for work. She has visited me yearly 4 years in a row now and I felt it was my turn to go to her. But the idea to book was totally mine.

I have Bipolar II, nothing like normal bipolar - much more mild and consists of mostly depression with the odd period of high mood and energy (not psychotic but certainly believing I can do more than I can and taking on loads of new projects). In my last high spell I signed up for an MSc AND a coaching qualification, started a new business and booked this holiday all in a 1 week period.

My friend only gets 2 weeks holiday a year and has used a week of it for this trip. I don't know what would happen to her holiday allowance if I cancel. She's so excited about the trip.

I'm not worried about the financial costs and I would cover my friends losses too. I just feel like I'm going to be damaging my relationship with her or with my children.

Am I being ridiculous?! I would dearly love to go on the holiday. I know we will have an absolutely fantastic time. I'm exhausted from being a mum, working and all that and this break would be so nice. But I feel so guilty and don't want to damage the kids with being selfish. If I could magically cancel with no consequences I would. I've even wondered about faking an illness but what could it possibly he that would be plausible?

What should I do??

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 08/05/2018 00:08

Just go. It's normal, it won't damage them, they will be cared for by their parent who also has plenty of support - it's not like you're leaving them with some teenager they don't know!
DC benefit from having sane, well-adjusted parents. Having your own friends and getting perspective every now and then is part of that. It is good for them in the long run for you not to be strung out with stress, to have your own long-standing friendships, to have a sense of self etc.

Kezzamo · 08/05/2018 00:20

Life is too short, take the trip. Kids will be fine. You really need a holiday. Don't have regrets. Often the regrets we have in life are for the things we didn't do not the ones we did. Happy parents have happy children. Have s fantastic time x

C2205 · 08/05/2018 00:30

I'm with everyone else GO!
They really will be fine and you will be too!
I how you do go and have a fantastic time xx
PS your children will be absolutely fine too xxx

Mumontherocks1 · 08/05/2018 00:40

GO!!!! My DD has bipolar II and it can be tough. You are doing a phenomenal job as a mum. You come across as a loving, interesting and capable person.

You will get a reminder that there's a whole world out there. It might give you some perspective on how to deal with the problems you're facing.

Please go, you really deserve to put yourself first for a change.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/05/2018 00:53

I had severe prenatal anxiety when pregnant with DD and I am convinced that's why she struggles so much with anxiety and moods and doesn't seem securely attached. I feel so guilty about it. I've worked really hard to help her with this but nothing seems to help. We do deep breathing, mediation, massage, we name our feelings, we read books about emotions and worries. I like the suggestion of getting more help and I will start looking. I really don't want to make it worse.

I wonder if this is actually part of the reason she is struggling. There is a lot of pressure on her . She is still learning about herself, her world, her feelings. The best thing to do with little ones is let them get it out of their sysetm (crying or tantrums are normal) and then simply cuddle them, tell them you love them and make them feel safe. I wonder if you are using adult style coping mechanisms on a child far too young to understand them or why she needs them.

You seem to be projecting your issues onto her and trying to "fix " her when really its yourself you want to "fix".

Go on the holiday and stop googling attachment issues Flowers

Feodora · 08/05/2018 00:59

My mum went to stay with my dad in Canada for 5 weeks when he was out there for 3 months with work. I was nearly 4. My grandma looked after me apparently. I can’t even remember it.

PosyFossilsShoes · 08/05/2018 00:59

Another vote for Go. My DP is away for a couple of weeks at the moment and will come back happy and refreshed. DD who is awaiting an ASD diagnosis and is also clingy, anxious and prone to meltdowns, is fine with this, we explained what was happening in advance and she can see on her calendar when DP is back. Totally different to a parent in hospital.

It's nine days not nine weeks. Honestly, they will be fine, and a happy well-rested parent is in everybody's interests.

Freshfeelings · 08/05/2018 01:02

I personally wouldn't go. I won't list my reasons as they'd just make you feel anxious or even judged and at the end of the day you have to make a choice YOU are comfortable with, nobody else so it really doesn't matter what any of us would do. We are all different - that doesn't make going or staying the wrong or right choice, and I can see I'm very much in the minority anyway!

Passingwords · 08/05/2018 01:09

Go OP, relax and let your hair down. You will have time to reflect and plan. It will be beneficial for all involved - ENJOY your trip

huha · 08/05/2018 01:09

*Go go go go go go go
*
You won't retreat it OP, GO!

emmyrose2000 · 08/05/2018 01:15

If I was your friend and you cancelled on the reasons you are giving - I think the relationship would probably not recover. The selfishness you are describing should actually be being applied to how you are contemplating dumping your friend in it - who has minimal annual leave, who is excited and has been planning it for ages. That is selfish

Exactly. Annual leave in the US is generally a lot less than in the UK, and if she can't cancel it and go to work, she'll have wasted a week for nothing.

Your kids won't even remember your absence in a few years. I used to go away when my kids were small and they have no recollection of it now.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 08/05/2018 01:29

Go. Your dc will be fine.

When our dc were small, dh travelled a lot for work and was sometimes away for 2 weeks. Back in those days there was no home Internet, no Skyping, we didn't have mobile phones so he couldn't phone. And the kids were absolutely fine. They are now adults and have no memory of dh being away when they were small.

Have a great holiday

Mumblechum0 · 08/05/2018 01:32

Go.
It’ll be nice for your DC to be cared for by their dad.
And your friend is important too.

thebewilderness · 08/05/2018 01:44

It is your turn to go. Have a lovely time. It is only 9 days.

IWantMyHatBack · 08/05/2018 01:50

Go

Go go go go go go
/imagine Mrs Doyle with her 'Yeh will, yeh will, yeh will....

crunchymint · 08/05/2018 02:05

I just wanted to add, that I worked for quite a few years on children's residential holidays. This was before mobile phones. We didn't let kids phone parents unless they were really struggling. Because otherwise you had kids who were happy and enjoying themselves, but a 10 minute phone call would upset many children.
I would write to them - emails and send photos. Maybe an email every day with some photos of what you have been doing. Unless one of them is really struggling with your absence, then skype.
I only suggest this because children are not like adults and phone calls and skype can make some happy children, unhappy.

crunchymint · 08/05/2018 02:08

Just wanted to add, I stayed with a relative when my mum was having my brother. I was there for a week. I can't remember it, but apparently was perfectly happy. If young kids are being well looked after and spoilt, as I am sure they will be, they are usually fine. Young kids live so in the moment, which actually helps in situations like this.

LelouchviBritanniacommandsyou · 08/05/2018 02:17

When I was about your DD's age my mum went to America with my grandma, leaving my sister and me with my dad. It was absolutely fine and doesn't seem to have caused irreparable damage! I can barely remember it actually. My parents also occasionally left us with grandparents to go on weekends away etc and I'm glad they did. We didn't live particularly close to our grandparents so it meant spending more time with them and it enabled my parents to have a break.

It sounds like you need this holiday with your friend, so go and don't feel guilty (easier said than done I know!) Smile

SmallBlondeMama · 08/05/2018 02:55

I would go in a heartbeat!!! And I'm crazy about my kids. But they are so little they won't even remember. My parents went in vacation all the time when I was little and I loved staying home and being spoiled by my grandparents.

eggcellent · 08/05/2018 03:41

There is zero chance of you doing irreparable harm to your children. They will be absolutely fine! GO!

MonsterKidz · 08/05/2018 03:43

I was in this situation last year. Husband travelled a lot, I was always home with the kids. At the time, mine were 6 and 2.5.

On a total whim, I booked to go to the US to accompany DH on a work trip. DC we’re going to be looked after by my parents.

At the last minute. I got the total frights, I totally thought I was abandoning them and they would be traumatized and never recover. I thought of every excuse to back out but my husband encouraged me to go - he knew I was just nervous!

I went and honestly, I had the time of my life!! I missed them like crazy and was so excited to return but that break did me the world of good! It was such a much needed break from being a Mum.

Go!! The kids will be fine and you will have a great time and come back refreshed.

mindutopia · 08/05/2018 04:00

I would definitely go. Your kids and dp will be fine. I’ve traveled regularly since mine was probably a bit over a year. When my first was 17 months, I went to the U.S. for a week, was home for a week, and then in Australia for 9 days. My dh did absolutely fine. He’s just as capable as I am and it was a lovely bonding experience for them to have that much one on one time which he doesn’t usually get to have. Most of that travel is for work but I still usually go away for at least a weekend a year (3 days) for fun as well. It’s been wonderful. The first couple times were hard, but now that I know everything will be fine, it’s much easier. And we don’t even have any family nearby to help. Go, you’ll have a great time.

Birdsgottafly · 08/05/2018 04:12

I would go, it would be interesting (not the right word) to see how your DD does cope.

It can help you gage what level of help is needed for her.

Uniglo18 · 08/05/2018 04:12

You need a break and sometimes family members need a break from each other to function effectively. You might be present with your family but your mh issues might impact on your relationship with them. Going away for a week to recoup and relax will make you a more effective parent.

ittakes2 · 08/05/2018 04:44

Go - when my children were that age my sister invited me to follow my dream of trekking in Peru with her. I was really anxious my children would miss me - so as soon as the plane landed back home, I rushed home to see them before their bed time. I was thinking they would see me and burst into tears. Our aupair was reading them a bed time story when I got in - they both just looked up and said ‘Hi mum’... and went back to looking at the pictures in the story. Go and enjoy yourself.

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