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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

did your parents smack you? Do you smack your child?

436 replies

diamond702 · 06/05/2018 21:13

My dad used to smack me as a child, on the hand or bottom. I remember feeling scared and anxious about it, and I don't think it taught me right from wrong. I would usually get smacked for being annoying or loud rather than naughty things. He would do it to make me be quiet.

I think times have changed now (this was in the 90s) and maybe it's not as acceptable to smack children anymore. I don't believe it works. I can understand perhaps smacking a child's hand to stop them touching a hot oven or something, but otherwise, does it really make them grow up to be well behaved citizens?

I can't imagine smacking my child. Surely there are better ways to discipline?

OP posts:
TossDaily · 07/05/2018 07:08

I was smacked, beaten, threatened. Both parents but mainly my mum.

It was always in temper.

It harmed me. When my oldest DS was young I was prone to losing control and smacking. I was a shouter too.

I took myself off to therapy and DS and I have a great relationship now. But I will never forgive my parents for providing such terrible parenting role models.

I really admire those of you who made that decision not to replicate the mistakes their parents made. It seemed to be ingrained in me. I find it very hard to forgive myself.

Namechangedname · 07/05/2018 07:15

Once. But watched my dsis get heavily beaten, countless times. This was not love. I felt so bad for her and knew, at a young age, it was wrong. And the names they called her Sad.

NewDOOFUSfor18 · 07/05/2018 07:15

I was a beaten child and I remember how terrified I was of my mother (And how much I now dislike her), I would be devastated if I knew my ds felt that way about me. I have never laid a finger on him, and I never will.

larrygrylls · 07/05/2018 07:16

This subject runs and runs..,,

I have smacked my children once in the last few years and regretted it and apologised afterwards.

However, it is a fashion thing. People make this analogy between smacking and ‘teaching violence’. Strangely confiscation of toys is never compared to teaching a child to rob and nor is the naughty step compared to locking an adult up.

Personally I think that children have a great sense of fairness and get far more upset by random punishments (of whatever kind) then getting a snack for transgressing a known boundary, especially if warned first.

I also think that there is a real sex divide here (of course, as with all generalisations, there are exceptions). Most men really don’t mind having been smacked (not beaten or abused!) whereas it seems a lot of women really resent it.

There are many threads on here about Ill behaved children and teachers definitely think classroom behaviour is deteriorating, mostly due to a lack of parenting. We are definitely moving to a child-centric society without much questioning of whether this is actually good for children or makes them happier.

It is hard to find real evidence about smacking one way or the other (see Telegraph article linked to upthread). However smackers are not all abusive tyrants and non smackers need not be smug, especially if ‘Tarquin is really creative and loves to express himself...,’.

Namechange128 · 07/05/2018 07:17

Agree with @resetEntries.
These posts tend to get a lot of responses from people who were assaulted, not smacked, and from people who did perceive smacking as a major harm.
I was smacked, but generally not in anger but in a similar way that some adults now use a naughty step. Like the link earlier, we knew we were loved and are close to our (lovely) parents now.

However do not smack our kids - or use a naughty step or timeouts - because the idea of hurting them is horrible. Mum disagreed at first, but luckily they're now a very well behaved bunch, so she's come around...

Nsbgsyebebdnd · 07/05/2018 07:17

I was smacked and although I wouldn't say it harmed me I wouldn't ever smack my kids. I don't understand how anyone thinks that it is a responsible way to teach them the right way to deal with situations. It's more a matter of parents allowing themselves to lose control of their temper

Namechangedname · 07/05/2018 07:18

Because they were so loving towards me, I found it difficult to understand how they could be hateful towards her. I still question: Are they loving people or are they horrid? That question is one that I guess I'll never know the answer. FWIW, I love them, a lot, but I question whether they are good people.

Mannix · 07/05/2018 07:18

I was smacked as a child (in the late 1970s / early 1980s). Not frequently or painfully like some here, but I do remember it. I never smack my children.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 07/05/2018 07:23

I lived with my grandparents. My grandad smacked me once for kicking him in the ankle. My granny once grabbed my shoulders and hit my head repeatedly off a bookcase. I try not to smack, I've smacked DD because she wouldn't have stopped otherwise, but I don't like it. I don't know how to deal with her when she's so tired she's out of control.

DragonMummy1418 · 07/05/2018 07:31

I was smacked - my dad used to use a slipper on my bare bum which hurt so much it took my breath away.
It did nothing but make me scared of him.

I've only smacked my DS on the hand when he ran into the road but I think that was because I was shit terrified.
I don't want him to be scared of me like I was of my dad so I don't smack.

0lgaDaPolga · 07/05/2018 07:36

I was quite frequently smacked as a child in the 90s, despite the fact that I was generally quite a quiet and well behaved child. My parents used to do it whenever we did something they deemed not acceptable behaviour. Most of the time I didn’t understand why or what I had done. Quite often it was done out of anger than actually to discipline us. I have a vivid memory of my dad repeatedly hitting me as I refused to say sorry for something until my mum intervened. My mum also used to slap me across the face for being cheeky. I’d never in a million years hit my children. It’s awful and I can’t even imagine doing it.

stressed3000 · 07/05/2018 07:42

We are definitely moving to a child-centric society without much questioning of whether this is actually good for children or makes them happier.

I completely agree with this & notice it more & more. My friends & I “take into account” our DCs needs & feelings more, & often try to placate them. My parents & their peers never did this & I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

polkadotpixie · 07/05/2018 07:48

I was smacked pretty often, almost always by my Mum.

It was usually with a hand, occasionally with a slipper or back of a hairbrush, always on the bum or back of the legs

This was the 80's/early 90's and honestly I don't blame her at all. I was a very obnoxious child and I picked on my little sister a lot as well as being extremely naughty just because I thought it was funny. I was even worse as a teenager tbh

I didn't live in fear of her and we have a great relationship now

I will smack if I think it's necessary. I'm not talking about a beating and I wouldn't use an implement but a sharp tap on the bum is fine IMO if other methods of discipline fail

I think a lot of people smack but just don't post on threads like this because they don't want to get flamed

speakout · 07/05/2018 07:59

polkadotpixie do you hit all people or just those who are weaker or more vulnerable than you?

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/05/2018 08:03

I was smacked 3 times in total by my mum. I hadn't done anything naughty, just a little careless. Mum regrets it, particularly as it was a symptom of her unhappiness at the time rather than anything I'd really done wrong (my nan had just died and she was extremely close to her - we all were). She lost control at a low point.

I've never smacked 7yo ds, but have felt like it several times. 18mo dd already pushes buttons, but I'd rather walk away and leave her to tantrum than act out in anger at her. And I do believe that smacking is uncontrolled anger. I also believe there is a world of difference between smacking and bearing - the latter of which some people on this thread have described Sad

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/05/2018 08:05

beating

speakout · 07/05/2018 08:09

I also believe there is a world of difference between smacking and beating

So it would be OK for a man to smack his wife but not beat her?

JacquesHammer · 07/05/2018 08:11

No
No

If you wouldn’t assault another adult then how is it justifiable to assault a child?

Bobbybobbins · 07/05/2018 08:13

Yes
No

I don't like the message that an adult can choose to hit a child. For any reason.

MarshaBradyo · 07/05/2018 08:19

The smacking teaches it’s ok to hit argument (whilst also true) takes second place to how bad it is to hit someone who is small, powerless and more vulnerable than you are

BertieBotts · 07/05/2018 08:19

I think I was but I can't remember, TBH.

I don't smack my children. It's unnecessary.

For very little children doing dangerous things I would not trust the memory of a smack to prevent them from doing it again anyway, so I would also take steps to prevent them e.g. strapping in a buggy/using reins when by any road, blocking access to electrical sockets. You'd do this anyway so the smack becomes redundant and they may not even understand. I would prefer to handle safety situations by blocking access as much as possible and talking to them about the dangers over time so that as they get older they develop a full understanding.

I believe that physical violence only seems necessary if you take the view that you must dominate a child in order to control their behaviour. The logical conclusion of this is pain and/or force, because it's the only tool that you're guaranteed to come out better on due to your physical size over your children. However, long term this is a poor strategy, because children do actually grow up and become as big as you, and likely stronger. Proponents of dominance based discipline claim that this is irrelevant because by teaching respect (by which they mean subordination) when the child is young it will remain when the child grows older. Usually they are big believers that when this does not happen, it is because a child was not taught sufficiently to be subordinate. FWIW, it's possible to believe in dominance based parenting and never smack a child but to use other techniques to intimidate them instead. If you have a child who is naturally submissive or wants to please and finds this kind of instruction clear then it might work very well. The problem comes when you have a child who is more contrary and fights against it, that's when physical discipline tends to be seen as needed.

If you instead see children as small people who are learning about and trying to figure out the world you will find you don't need smacking at all and you very rarely need to punish in any form. In fact children are incredibly willing and capable of learning in other ways. I find punishment to be a really inefficient way to teach something, because it usually invokes too many other emotions - anger, injustice, betrayal, distrust, not being listened to, not being cared about, fear, humiliation (the last two if the punishment is severe) - to actually allow what you're trying to teach them to get through. Occasionally it can be a useful tool as a temporary motivation for transient issues, and sometimes it's helpful as a shortcut especially if they are pushing boundaries on purpose, but IME you usually have to pay back this effort saved later, especially if you've used it in anger and/or not taken the time to understand a situation.

I mean, can you EVER remember a time as a child/teenager when you were punished and you immediately thought "Yep, this is totally fair" - that might come later when you're calmer and have perspective but usually the initial reaction is rage and/or humiliation and how it's soooooooooo unfair and nobody understands.

BertieBotts · 07/05/2018 08:22

My friends & I “take into account” our DCs needs & feelings more, & often try to placate them. My parents & their peers never did this & I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

I think it's important to take children's needs and feelings into account but it's not actually so important to always placate them. Sometimes it's helpful to actually not, especially if you can communicate to them why. That is part of teaching children empathy and that they must be mindful of others, not only themselves. But they should never be disregarded as unimportant.

speakout · 07/05/2018 08:27

bertiebotts- I agree.

I don't punish at all.

larrygrylls · 07/05/2018 08:32

Children were always (well, since Victorian times) regarded as important. They were just not given the impression that their wants and needs required immediate attention.

The ‘would it be ok to smack your wife’ argument only applies if you don’t believe in any behavioural consequences. Would it be ok to confiscate your wife’s phone if she was looking at it over dinner?

polkadotpixie · 07/05/2018 08:34

@speakout I don't randomly hit people and there are very few people weaker than me anyway. I've had 2 fights in my life, neither started by me. One girl punched me in the face unprovoked on a bus as a teenager so I kicked her and one woman attacked my 14 year old sister in the street so I pulled her off by her hair. I am not a violent person

If my children do something dangerous (such as me running away from my Mum in a foreign country on a day trip, just to scare her) or harmful (such as me intentionally picking on my younger sister) then I feel a smack on the bum is reasonable. General low level naughtiness does not warrant a smacked bum and would instead be punished with losing privileges or time out

I personally found being screamed at or ignored for hours or days by my Dad when I'd been vile much more hurtful than a smacked bum administered by my Mum. I 100% think she did no lasting damage to me, physically or emotionally