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Original poster

did your parents smack you? Do you smack your child?

436 replies

diamond702 · 06/05/2018 21:13

My dad used to smack me as a child, on the hand or bottom. I remember feeling scared and anxious about it, and I don't think it taught me right from wrong. I would usually get smacked for being annoying or loud rather than naughty things. He would do it to make me be quiet.

I think times have changed now (this was in the 90s) and maybe it's not as acceptable to smack children anymore. I don't believe it works. I can understand perhaps smacking a child's hand to stop them touching a hot oven or something, but otherwise, does it really make them grow up to be well behaved citizens?

I can't imagine smacking my child. Surely there are better ways to discipline?

OP posts:
thegreylady · 09/05/2018 16:00

I grew up in the 40s/50s and was never smacked though occasionally threatened. I remember aged about 8 trying to smack my own bum to see what it felt like!
I very very occasionally smacked my two (in the 70s) once ds for going to a friends house after school without telling me. I only think I must have slapped the legs of dd but neither she nor I can remember!
I wouldn’t smack dgc nor would their parents.

theunsure · 09/05/2018 16:06

I was smacked - rarely though. It did me no harm at all.

I'm not a huge fan of it but can't 100% say that I'd never ever do it if I had children. I think there are better ways but I don't demonise it.

speakout · 09/05/2018 16:10

theunsure it has done you harm though.

You may consider smacking your own children.

Being smacked has taught you that violence is an acceptable form of communication.

CheshireChat · 09/05/2018 17:42

I assumed that when people said they'd smack to keep away from harm it meant that it was to prevent a more painful injury so for example slapping a hand away from something hot. Mind, taking hold is just as effective.

I've actually done similar- bumped DS with my hip as my hands were full and he didn't register my warning in time. So he was completely unharmed as opposed to burnt fingers, obviously reinforced base rules afterwards.

However, when people say 'tapping' they're just minimising hitting right? Don't actually mean, you know, tapping?! I find tapping DS as a reminder to do something 100 times more effective than words, but not even discipline really, just that, a reminder Confused.

deadringer · 09/05/2018 21:58

I was slapped a few times as a child, I certainly do not hate my parents. I adore my mum, she did her best in difficult circumstances and if I am half as kind and wise as she is when I am older I will be doing very well. I don't slap my DC but my dh did a couple of times when they were small.(early 90s). It has come up in conversation now that they are grown up and they 100% don't hate or resent him for it, in fact they don't remember it.

Bearhunter09 · 09/05/2018 22:16

Yes I was smacked and there was the slipper at primary school. Never did any harm
And kids were a lot better behaved back then. Lots of kids round here could do with a clip round the ear tbh

theunsure · 09/05/2018 22:25

@speakout
Being smacked has taught you that violence is an acceptable form of communication

I don’t agree that smacking is violent. The definition of violence is to cause “hurt, damage or death”. Being smacked didn’t cause any of those things-I wasn’t beaten!

hotsouple · 09/05/2018 22:27

My mom would just grab me hard, like by the arm or shoulder, and I would know it was really serious. Once I slapped my little sister when I was 12 and she was 4 because she was screaming in my face and I have sensory issues. No one is scarred but it's not ideal.

Marmablade · 09/05/2018 22:28

Yes

And therefore no.

I was able to say to my DD tonight who said she got into trouble for kicking someone because... that there is never an excuse to kick people. Have I ever kicked you? No. Have you kicked/hit/bitten me? Yes. But did that ever make me kick you? No. Kicking is never OK.

She has told me that her GM has hit her. My decision was to discuss discipline with the GM next time she looked after her but circumstances changed and it won't be happening for non-related reasons. It's not OK for anyone to hit my DD and I will go on and on at DD to never hit anyone herself until she listens (she's 5).

CalF123 · 10/05/2018 02:18

Smacking is abuse. There's no ifs or buts about it. The term 'smacking' is used to minimise and normalise what is actually assault.

It should be dealt with the same way any other assault on a child would be- the children being removed and the parents jailed.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 10/05/2018 03:02

^ This.

PasstheStarmix · 10/05/2018 03:05

I got smacked but I don’t smack my child. I don’t believe in it.

Orangewater33 · 10/05/2018 06:06

Yes frequently smacked, slapped, battered when parents went into borderline rages.
Didn't realise until I was in my twenties that I had Chronic PTSD symptoms from the constant fear and assaults.
Someone told me it wasn't the smacking that traumatises but the manner it's done(i.e full of rage/as a lesson calmly) but who in their calm right mind would actually hit a child?
Left me psychologically damaged and to top it, have little contact with parents who just laugh or downplay the whole thing.
If you ever lift a hand to your child in rage you have serious mental issues you need to deal with.

speakout · 10/05/2018 06:12

theunsure you illustrate my point well.

You minimise smacking- that's the damage that has been done to you.

I assume you think it's OK for a man to smack his wife?

deadringer · 10/05/2018 09:49

I don't see how removing children and jailing their parents is in the best interests of the child, unless there is actual violence involved. And as a pp said, the 'smacking' that people admit to on here does not qualify as violence. As I say that as someone who is very much involved in the care system.

deadringer · 10/05/2018 09:59

Speakout to compare it to a man slapping his wife is ridiculous, parents are responsible for disciplining their children and teaching them manners, social cues, etc. Personally I don't smack, I don't think its effective and most people feel it's morally wrong, but lots of loving, well meaning parents resort to it occasionally and I for one refuse to condemn them.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 10/05/2018 10:39

How is teaching children to hit “teaching them manners”? I think hitting others is about as bad mannered as you can get. If you’ve ever been around a child that gets “smacked” you will also have notice that they are very aggressive with other children. Why wouldn’t they be? They are treated with no respect at home. The only power they have is pushing other children around. It’s just the most pathetic excuse for parenting.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 10/05/2018 10:41

And I don’t think it is that far-fetched to compare a man hitting a woman. Where do boys learn to be disrespectful and violent? From their parents who taught them that you hit people who are weaker than yourself to keep them in line.

speakout · 10/05/2018 10:48

to compare it to a man slapping his wife is ridiculous

deadringer- why is it ridiculous?

JAPAB · 10/05/2018 12:17

to compare it to a man slapping his wife is ridiculous

I strongly suspect that most of the time, "I did it to discipline him" / "I did it to teach her right from wrong" et al is just post-rationalisation. The actual reason the parent clouted the child is for the same reasons anyone else might have - your own personal gratification because the person you are striking angered you. The noble motivations come afterwards.

In which case, it sort of is comparable to other people striking eachother. But then of course, in most other cases there is no worthy post-rationalisation available.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 10/05/2018 12:20

Yes I was smacked. But also properly beaten if I think about it. No I don’t smack my children although I have tried the odd tap on the hand but it doesn’t work so haven’t bothered again. I’ve no issue if parents choose to smack but reasonably and not into abuse territory.

Moominfan · 10/05/2018 12:21

Mine smacked me. Home was scary insecure place. I hope ill never lose my temper and hit mine.

bringincrazyback · 10/05/2018 12:21

It's never OK to hit another person. It amazes me the way people of my parents' generation seem to agree adults shouldn't hit each other, but feel it's fine to hit a child. I think the word 'smacking' is part of the problem, actually - it's as if smacking isn't real hitting, or real violence, in some people's minds. It might make them think twice if they were asked 'do you think it's OK to hit your children?' rather than using the word smack.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 10/05/2018 12:22

I do joke that I will bite their tongue if they don’t stop what they are doing. Only recently and no idea why I said it but it’s stuck a bit. All in jest though, I wouldn’t really bite their tongues, I wouldn’t even know how to go about that.

bringincrazyback · 10/05/2018 12:24

BTW those who say 'it never did me any harm' are kind of demonstrating the opposite, because it illustrates that they see physical violence as something that is OK under certain circumstances.