did your parents smack you? Do you smack your child?

[diamond702]

My dad used to smack me as a child, on the hand or bottom. I remember feeling scared and anxious about it, and I don't think it taught me right from wrong. I would usually get smacked for being annoying or loud rather than naughty things. He would do it to make me be quiet.

I think times have changed now (this was in the 90s) and maybe it's not as acceptable to smack children anymore. I don't believe it works. I can understand perhaps smacking a child's hand to stop them touching a hot oven or something, but otherwise, does it really make them grow up to be well behaved citizens?

I can't imagine smacking my child. Surely there are better ways to discipline?

Yes I was smacked and whipped with a leather belt as a child for minor transgressions, such as accidentally spilling a drink and similar minor things.

My mum used to whip me with a leather belt when my brother was naughty as I was the eldest (only by 2 years) and should have told him not to do what ever he was doing. My dad had a leather belt with his name embossed on it, I used to have his name, backwards, in bruises all over my bottom, back and legs. I would be slapped around the face and locked in my bedroom all for ,what I and most people I believe would consider very normal childhood behaviour.

DH & I have never and will never use any kind of violence/abuse, physical or otherwise on my DD's.

I remember being so bloody scared all the time as a child, I can remember my anxiety and OCD starting as a child. I can remember doing my OCD rituals at about 5 years old, and these have stuck around despite years and years of counselling, CBT and psychotherapy. last year I was diagnosed with complex PTSD along with my previous diagnosis of complex anxiety disorder, OCD and depression.

It's no surprise that I am NC with both of my parents and my brother who unfortunately has turned into a horrible monster, just like my parents are.

Parents who smack or use any type of abusive punishment, physical or otherwise have lost control

I tap my child never with force never with aggression. A tap is a tap not a full blown smack/punch like your making me sound

So there’s no point to it. If you don’t do it with aggression it’s a conscious decision.

Hitting another person is abuse.

IAmMumWho

You don't "tap " your child. You hit your child.

Using the word tap is trying to sugar coat violence.

Really confused about some of the logic on this thread.

No you can't go around smacking adults who misbehave. You also can't simply pick them up and remove them, ban them from their favourite things or ground them.

Hitting another person is abuse

Lot's of Mumsnet acceptable things are abuse if we put them in the context of adult relationships.

Can people genuinely not see a difference between a child being punched,hit with a strap,slapped in the face, kicked etc and another child being given 3 warnings not to repeat an action or they will receive a smacked hand and them continuing to repeat the action. The first action is malicious and generally out of control from an aggressive parent and the second is an acceptable way , still not illegal, of teaching your children right from wrong. The people on this thread who were beaten are mostly, understandably saying they would never do that to a child of theirs and yet some on this thread who were occasionally smacked, have a good relationship with their parents and feel it was used appropriately, unsurprisingly are using the same method. I have discussed this with my now teenage kids who I do not smack because I now reason with them and they do not feel at all traumatised by it, in fact they cannot really remember it. It was however at the time very effective.

Any parent who does it in this day and age should be ashamed of themselves. It’s an utterly unintelligent method of parenting.

Hitting someone who is smaller, powerless and more vulnerable than you is wrong

Regardless of all the other stuff and justifications - grounding, perfect parenting, tapping, time out, compliant children etc etc

Someone might rethink and stop doing it although people seem entrenched to justify it

Can people genuinely not see a difference between a child being punched,hit with a strap,slapped in the face, kicked etc and another child being given 3 warnings not to repeat an action or they will receive a smacked hand and them continuing to repeat the action

“Don’t do this or I’ll hit you for it?”

Not a reasonable type of parenting

There’s just absolutely no need. These days, when so many parents manage to raise polite and well-adjusted kids WITHOUT smacking, why would you want to be one of the ones who can’t manage without violence and intimidation and pain? Because however minor the violence of a ‘tap’, it is still violence.

**Hitting another person is abuse

Lot's of Mumsnet acceptable things are abuse if we put them in the context of adult relationships. **

I do agree with this at least partially. For example controlling an adults behaviour and giving them very limited financial access in the way we do with children would be abusive if you did it to your partner.

Children know we are keeping them safe and want to be looked after so they accept a lot of control.
I think that the difference is that spanking is now widely unacceptable and that will impact on how children feel about it. They do compare themselves to other children. If you grow up as I did in the 80s knowing its normal to be smacked and your parents do it in a reasonable manner only if you are very naughty you will understand they had good intentions, even if you decide it's not something you would do yourself. Kids growing up today will know it's very uncommon and a lot of people think it's abusive and wrong, so they may form an opinion their parents were overly harsh and cruel in their choice of punishment.

I was only ever smacked once and it's when I tried to put my hand in the oven (I was a toddler) my dad smacked my bottom and I never did it again.

I was smacked once as a child at home, never repeated the naughtiness that provoked it.

I was also made to bend over and have my bottom smacked as a ten year old at school along with another girl. This was in front of the whole class and I was extremely upset. Met up with an old school friend who remembered the other girl being smacked but not me. She said all the girls sent the teacher to Coventry and wouldn’t speak to him for days over the incident.

I was occasionally smacked by my mother and properly whipped once (rubber pipe - broken skin on my legs) by my father when I was around 8 ( he lost control over minor rule breaking). He died when I was 9 (murdered - whole other story) so no repeat instances. I did not smack DD - I wouldn’t resolve any life issue through violence so certainly would use it as a tool with the dearest person in my world.

@speakout
MissionItsPossible but we are growing up as a society.

It used to be OK to beat your wife. It used to be OK for teachers to hit kids.
We are now realising that it's not acceptable to hit people- anyone.

I don’t think you got my point.. I meant why did most of us get smacked as children yet don’t smack children these days and what socialised or conditioned or taught us into not doing so (can’t have been from our parents as they were the one smacking)! And it’s not a unique thing as children always got smacked throughout history so what made our generation stop?

It is not the case that children always got smacked through history: there have also been cultures where smacking was not part of discipline.

In the present case, the non-smacking movement got going much later in the UK than in Scandinavia where it was already strong when I was a child in the 60s. But you can no doubt trace it back to child-rearing works from the early 20th century (the debate does feature in the Anne of Green Gables books) and beyond that probably to Rousseau. And even before educators, there are attested cases of parents who did not do it, who did not feel the need to do it.

I do understand your point.

Violence is becoming less tolerated generally- lots of "Zero Tolerance" campaigns, awareness of human rights etc.

It used to be OK for a policeman to give a kid a clip around the ear and send him on their way.

Police would ignore "domestic" violence towards women.

It's all part of the sea change.

the debate does feature in the Anne of Green Gables books

I’m pretty sure it also features in the Little House in Big Woods series. Laura wrestles with her conscience over whipping a student

Larry, please feel free to ignore any posting of mine you find irrelevant. Laughable that posting on a parenting site about parenting makes me any kind of authority.

Someone asked what you do with a child who is tantrumming, screaming or violent who other punishments haven't worked for. I've posted ideas which have worked for me as a parent and a teacher and some based on theory. Definitely no super controlled environment, just real life.

What you wrote was a good response to what else can I do Bertie
Don’t get the ire

If you hit your children they will hate you for it.

No, I think my parents are great, we have a good relationship. I had a great childhood and was taught the difference between punishment and abuse.

Hitting anyone, under any circumstances is wrong. Hitting your child, however lightly is disgusting.

By my Dad, yes. And it was horrible and I felt so anxious. In his defence I was a naughty child and definitely warranted punishment, but not the severity of the way he smacked.

No I do not smack my children - as far as I see it, if I was to smack someone in the street I would be arrested or punished. If I was to smack my husband regularly - I would be considered abusive. If that wrong, why on earth would I want to inflict that on my children?

By my Dad, yes. And it was horrible and I felt so anxious. In his defence I was a naughty child and definitely warranted punishment, but not the severity of the way he smacked.

No I do not smack my children - as far as I see it, if I was to smack someone in the street I would be arrested or punished. If I was to smack my husband regularly - I would be considered abusive. If that wrong, why on earth would I want to inflict that on my children?

For what it’s worth, I was smacked, I was hit with the slipper. I wasn’t a bad child. It went further than just a smack, it often included our heads being smacked against walls, my step dads hands around my throat, being dragged around the kitchen by the collar of my school clothes.

I understand that this isn’t normal, but the problem is, so many people didn’t know where the line was. So it was (in their mind) ok to beat the shit out of their kids.

I lived in fear, not knowing whether it would just be a slap that was sore or whether I would be having my head smacked into a wall and no child deserves to feel that way.

Unsurprisingly I do not slap my child, and I’m beyond shocked at how many of you hit your children. I’m sure you’d all be screaming blue murder should your husband give you a smack. Not that it’s at all different is it?