did your parents smack you? Do you smack your child?

[diamond702]

My dad used to smack me as a child, on the hand or bottom. I remember feeling scared and anxious about it, and I don't think it taught me right from wrong. I would usually get smacked for being annoying or loud rather than naughty things. He would do it to make me be quiet.

I think times have changed now (this was in the 90s) and maybe it's not as acceptable to smack children anymore. I don't believe it works. I can understand perhaps smacking a child's hand to stop them touching a hot oven or something, but otherwise, does it really make them grow up to be well behaved citizens?

I can't imagine smacking my child. Surely there are better ways to discipline?

I was caned once and was smacked (not regularly as I was, on the whole a good child) but I am a child of the 60s. My DSis and DB were smacked regularly

I would NEVER strike my grandchildren, it teaches them nothing except bullying is acceptable (which it's not).

No and No

I can’t stand the ‘we would all like to live in the type of world....’ posts.

They remind me of rowing past the old County Hall when Ken Livingstone has hung his banner ‘London is a Nuclear Free Zone’. My word, that sure stopped the USSR bombing us!

Everyone would like to live in world where violence did not happen, where the lion would lay down with the lamb etc etc.

However we are bipedal apes, with all the instincts that comes with. Most parents are real human beings bringing up other real human beings to live in the real world.

Most of us do our best and I suspect most posting here, by virtue of even taking an interest, do pretty damn well. It is not an easy process and parenting styles evolve according to both fashion and one’s own experience of one’s own children. Barring abuse I would be very hesitant to criticise someone else’s parenting style.

“Again, I'm not saying smack them, I just don't get how parents think they have so much control and determination in their child's behaviour”

Exactly this. They don’t.

I was smacked, and I feel especially resentful about it happening for things which I didn't yet know were wrong. A blind man once unexpectedly stopped walking when we were nearby, and I bumped into him. My mum explained to me why I was wrong, and then smacked me. I grew up afraid of making mistakes, and afraid of criticism and confrontation, because sometimes when my parents had finished explaining carefully why something I did was wrong, they would then smack me. So I wouldn't be listening to their careful explanation, just fearfully anticipating what might follow. Also the way that nice days out would be ruined by being smacked over some small thing, and being made to cry in public. When they smacked my brother I often wanted to cry too. It seemed just so wrong to me that an adult could make a child cry instantly, just like that. I remember feeling huge pride the first time I didn't cry after being smacked, I felt I'd got one up on my parents. (I don't remember what I did wrong that time!) All this was one reason of many I longed for childhood to end.

I was once severely smacked for hitting my brother (not very hard) when I disagreed with him. I wonder where I got the idea of doing that in the first place? Also there were times when he lied and was believed, and I was punished for it. I'm still bearing grudges about that.

And I would never smack my or anyone else's children. (I struggle to be firm with children though, because of the fear it brought out in me.)

No, and no.

Yes I got properly walloped. No I don’t smack my children .

Vast majority of answers are 1. Yes 2. No.

It's a shame that it was so accepted back then.

My parents did, I don’t even remember why we weren’t particularly naughty.

I don’t hit my dc. I prefer talking to them when calm.

I don’t have any kind of relationship with my parents now either.

I don't smack. Moral arguments aside it doesn't work. I look for the reasons for undesirable behaviour and go from there. I also try to be consistent and know with my own child (asd and sld) it can take dozens of times of stopping him doing something before he stops doing it.

My parents smacked me and now I'm a parent I can't imagine doing it.
We'd get smacked sometimes long after the event of naughtiness/whatever. Rather than drawing a line under it, my "mother" would wait until my dad would get home from work, them he would smack us. Because of the time lapsed it would feel unprovoked and out of the blue. I remember clearly trying to wriggled out of my tights to get into the bath and he pulled me forward roughly to smack me. White hot handprints were left.
I think it so abhorrent that anyone could think that was appropriate discipline for a child.
I also remember clearly being shaken by my m. I brought this up with her and of course, it was my own fault.
Strangely I have noticed that the family, men on particular that doled out this violent discipline have softened so much as they matured you'd never be able to believe they were capable of it at all.

What I find interesting is that my in laws (both 80 years old) are still very pro smacking,and would like corporal punishment to be brought back in schools. They vehemently defend smacking DH. When I point out that our ds has never been smacked but is well behaved, they say that is just down to luck that he was “born easy”

I was smacked as a child, the last time was a slap round the face when I was 14 for playing truant from school, I can honestly say that I never repeated any bad behaviour again, I learnt the first time.
There is a distinct lack of discipline these days but smacking isn’t the answer. All this kind hands nonsense doesn’t work, it doesn’t stop a toddler pulling a pet around. A short sharp no and an explanation of why is better.
I’ve never smacked my DD but I did bite her, she was going through a stage of biting at playgroup (late 90’s) and she bit me on my hand very hard, she thought it was funny so I bit her finger, she never bit anybody again. Last resort after endlessly trying to explain why it was unacceptable.
Never smacked DS, he has severe special needs, I’ve felt like it sometimes as he can push me to the absolute limit, I take myself away for 5 and calm down.

Yes i was smacked and hit plenty in the 70s/80s. I've never smacked mine (eldest 13) I think it's damaging to relationships and behaviour. Makes people more aggressive.

My mum used to smack me, sometimes she would chase me as I ran away from her, hitting me as she went. When I got older she pulled my hair and once smacked me so hard around the head that I fell down when I was about 12. It will be a cold day in hell before I ever raise a hand to my children. My oldest is 10 (I have 4 children altogether) and there has never once been an occasion where I have even come close to smacking any of them.

I was never hit and I never will hit my daughter... I was very lucky to not be hit as a child and I was never a nightmare child either, i think there are better ways to teach children... I would only resort to a tap on the bum at extreme end of the line circumstances... as I child all I needed was my dads shouting and I'd know

No and no.

I just don't believe any good comes of losing control in front of children at any time. They're 12 and 7 now and neither has been smacked, and they're both well-behaved, lovely children. DS1 has a bit of a mouth on him occasionally since going to High School but a quick reminder and he's gold again.

I totally fail to see the logic that hitting someone smaller who is defenceless does anything but make them hate or mistrust you.

Also, I teach Reception and genuinely haven't ever even raised my voice at a child in my care. It hasn't ever been needed; children can listen and understand and be reasoned with (mostly). Offering understanding and kindness gets me much better results.

My father hit me quite a few times as a child, for 'giving lip' . Funnily enough I hit him back once so he hit me harder as I was running up the stairs away from him. I ran to my grandmothers that night and told her. He never did it again. My mother only hit me once, and I can't remember why but it really affected and shocked me. I would never hit my children.

Discipline is not just about rewards and punishment though.

Other ways to encourage the behaviour you want would be:

Modelling what you expect
Explaining and setting clear expectations and boundaries - mot expecting young children to remember every time
Physically preventing something (for example, I cannot imagine merely asking a child to hold my hand near the road- they would be restrained or attached to me until such point that I knew they were more responsible)
Age appropriate expectations
Finding a win win solution
Presenting an appropriate outlet for behaviours
Looking for root causes and dealing with/working on those
Identifying the opposite, the positive behaviour you want in lieu of the negative behaviour and emphasising that in various ways
Talking about stuff
Recognising smaller signs that bad behaviour is coming and intervening or teaching the child self management strategies
Noticing a pattern of triggers for the behaviour and avoiding these or managing them better or teaching child to manage them better
Love and acceptance, encouraging a child to see themselves in a positive light

When a child is having some kind of extreme behaviour like screaming, hitting, tantrums, usually no punishment or reward is going to get through to them in that state anyway. So you need immediate damage control e.g. removing them from the situation or sometimes removing the trigger ie you, stop responding or take yourself to a place they can't reach you, some children will unfortunately need restraining when they get like this for their own and other's safety, most will burn out once their audience is gone.

Longer term you can enact a consequence if you want but what really helps is the other stuff, working out the root cause, what's the trigger, is the expectation fair for this child, do they struggle with things others can do, are they getting enough sleep, food, activity, attention? Can they learn strategies to help them cope better with whatever set them off and react appropriately?

Simply punishing this kind of extreme behaviour rarely works and usually makes things worse, you have to put other frameworks in place as well. Since these other frameworks are actually what helps, you may as well dial the punishment part right down to something which is inconvenient for them but not frightening, or in some cases omit it altogether. What you need to not do is keep heaping on more extreme punishments in the moment to try and force them to stop. A child reacting this extremely is not doing it for fun. They do it because they don't know another way to get what they want or how to accept not getting what they want. These are both things you can help them with.

Yes and yes

Here's the thing. I never smack Ds nor do I ever intend to and he is an excellent child. He's empathetic, thoughtful, stunningly capable of delayed gratification, works hard to correct his mistakes, mostly willing to listen and to try and understand my perspective when we disagree. He doesn't always do a great job of it but he's 5 and he does better than I ever expected a child his age to do, certainly much better than I did at that age.

Why would I ever need to smack him? Even if it's not counterproductive or damaging, it's utterly, utterly unnecessary. So why would anyone hit their child for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Bertie,

Was it really worth typing out a parenting manual and posting it?

When you post in that style, you are holding yourself out as an authority.

Do you have professional qualifications or professional experience in this area?

It is hard to disagree with what you have said but it is ridiculously idealistic. The default assumption is one child in a controlled environment (e.g home). Siblings and environment often make a lot of the things you suggest impossible (or unfair in the other sibling).

Yes, by my mother. it always seemed to be because my older brother was fighting with me. She would fly into the room and hit us both really hard. I can remember that it was impossible not to burst into tears and that's the part that I hated most of all. She still thinks I am wrong for not doing the same to my children and I still resent her enormously for it.

I was smacked as a child and teenager by my mother quite frequently. My father only ever smacked me a handful of times but his words were and continue to be far more hurtful and long lasting. I'd take a smack over spiteful hurtful words any day.

Yes I have smacked my children occasionally in the past but have always regretted it. Haven't done it for years. And I'm always very careful over my words. Never want my children to feel as useless and ugly as my father has made me feel.

If you hit your children they will hate you for it. The world is changing and it is illegal in many countries now. People will talk about it when they’re older and they will be reassured by their peers that it is never ok to hit a child. They will hate you for it.

Erm, not necessarily. I was smacked, and I far from hate my parents.