did your parents smack you? Do you smack your child?

[diamond702]

My dad used to smack me as a child, on the hand or bottom. I remember feeling scared and anxious about it, and I don't think it taught me right from wrong. I would usually get smacked for being annoying or loud rather than naughty things. He would do it to make me be quiet.

I think times have changed now (this was in the 90s) and maybe it's not as acceptable to smack children anymore. I don't believe it works. I can understand perhaps smacking a child's hand to stop them touching a hot oven or something, but otherwise, does it really make them grow up to be well behaved citizens?

I can't imagine smacking my child. Surely there are better ways to discipline?

If you hit your children they will hate you for it. The world is changing and it is illegal in many countries now. People will talk about it when they’re older and they will be reassured by their peers that it is never ok to hit a child.

Children have momentary hatred whatever the punishment.
I don't hate my parents for hitting me or grounding me but I did at the time.
The grounding was more torturous - seeing my friends playing outside from my bedroom window was so awful I can still feel the anger. The slap not so much because it wasn't prolonged.

"It is hard to disagree with what you have said but it is ridiculously idealistic. The default assumption is one child in a controlled environment (e.g home). Siblings and environment often make a lot of the things you suggest impossible (or unfair in the other sibling)."

My DM had 4 children, one of them quite troubled, one of them a natural rebel. Bertie's list sounds like a pretty good description of what she did, actually.

She didn't just stay in a controlled environment, either: we travelled a lot, always on public transport since we didn't have a car, abroad whenever they could afford it. 4 children on a foreign overnight train, she was good at that sort of thing.

My own dd (who is now waiting for her MH assessment) had violent meltdowns until the age of 10. Marble jars didn't work for her because of high anxiety levels/mood swings. I used to have to restrain her, but that is a different thing from smacking, far more controlled and less punitive. I still find Bertie's list really good.

One thing neither my mother or I have been into is repeated asking a child to do something. After the second ask, we've always felt we need to get things going, to think of something. Often just slightly rising from my chair did the trick. It signalled "mummy is going to deal with this now". Exactly how I was going to deal with it they didn't know (and tbh I didn't always either), we both knew it would not entail violence, but we both also knew it meant commitment. I can stop this and I will. It's the old headteacher trick (and they're not allowed to smack either).

@GreenTulips

which is why we don’t use it in animal training

That's humans teaching animals not mother bear teaching baby bear

No mother bear uses physical punishment or violence to ‘teach’ your argument is only demonstrating your lack of knowledge

The thing is, if you were hit as a child when it was a common parenting tool, and all your other friends were hit too, it’s easier to explain it away as just the norm and move on.

Parents hitting kids these days is abnormal. It’s the kind of thing that would be reported if a child mentioned it to a teacher. Kids growing up today won’t be able to say, “well that’s just what people did”. They will say, “why was it only my parents who were so completely incapable that they felt they had to hit their own child?” They will feel horrible and they will hate their part for it.

Part = parents...

I was smacked as a child and never did me any harm. I know right from wrong and never put myself in bad situations. I was born in the 80's. I'd tap my child if they put themselves in dangerous situations but not for the sake of smacking them to shut them up.

I was smacked on the arse at age 14. When I was caught having sex with a boy I snuck into the house while parents were asleep.

That was embarrassing but well-deserved actually.

I'd never been smacked prior to that.

IAmMumWho but smacking did harm you.
It turned you into a person who thinks it's OK to hit children.

Child in the seventies and was smacked quite often. I occasionally did with my own, in extreme cases of dangerous behaviour but I regret that immensely.

I retrained ten years ago and work in childcare so I now know how to handle behaviour in a positive way and keep my cool. I wish I had done a course in childcare before becoming a parent.

Haven’t read the whole thread but seems interesting that a lot of us generally got smacked as children but haven’t or don’t smack the next generation of children (not that that is a bad thing) and just wondering why that is and what changed.

MissionItsPossible but we are growing up as a society.

It used to be OK to beat your wife. It used to be OK for teachers to hit kids.
We are now realising that it's not acceptable to hit people- anyone.
Children deserve the same protection as adults.

@speakout
Well no it didn't and I don't smack my kids. A slight tap on the hand is not smacking. I know me, you don't.

A slight tap on the hand is not smacking

So what is it? It’s either hard enough to make a point or else why bother?

@JacquesHammer
It's a tap like you would on someone's shoulder. Obviously I speak too. And say that's not a good thing to do. Depending on the situation.

One thing I don't do is scream n shout. Calm and reflective.

People use the word "tap" because it minimises the act of hitting kids.

I may "tap " my OH on the hand as a way of getting his attention without the need to speak.

But I assume that is not the type of "tap" that the hitters mean.

I used to get smacked by my Dad and it sticks out in my memories of him in my childhood. I don’t ever smack my child.

It's a tap like you would on someone's shoulder. Obviously I speak too. And say that's not a good thing to do. Depending on the situation

I don’t understand. A gentle touch on someone’s shoulder if they don’t know you’re there - is that what you mean?

If so, how on Earth does that assist discipline?

Or is it in fact harder to ensure your kids submit?

I remember my first slap at 4 and the shock of it, because I didn't want to do writing practice. My mother would beat my brother and me when we were just children. Then cry, hug and kiss us and tell us she was sorry. Then repeat.

Hello chronic mental health issues.

Calm and reflective

Ah well assaulting your kid is fine if you’re calm and reflective 🙄

My dad didn't smack me he threw me down the stairs, broke my arm, threw a chair at me, dragged me along the floor and I still have a scar from the carpet burn. I dont do these things to my children, I talk to them.

My "smack" resulted in a laughing child, not a shocked or crying child, precisely because I was not doing it to hurt her so there was no force behind the smack. My aim was a slight "whoa, mums not done that before, I must really be pressing her buttons" type of reaction, not an upset or scared feeling.

And actually, when I read about people who have hit their children to the point where their child has cried or been upset, it makes me wonder how hard they were hit, because even when I was v angry, I still managed to not hurt her. Still not a proud moment, but I'm thankful the experience wasn't made worse by tears and guilt of causing pain. She laughed at my attempt, which made me take a step back and then laughed with her and said "mummy's silly isn't she? Sorry baby, mummy shouldn't have done that. That was very bad of her." And allowed her to "tell me off"

@JacquesHammer crawl back under your stone.

@IAmMumWho

Well done. You’ve outwitted me with your erudite debating

@JacquesHammer
Your making me sound like a child abuser. Who gets kicks from it.

I tap my child never with force never with aggression. A tap is a tap not a full blown smack/punch like your making me sound. Anyway I'm not debating with you I was commenting on OP post and you jump aboard making assumptions. End it here shall we!