did your parents smack you? Do you smack your child?

[diamond702]

My dad used to smack me as a child, on the hand or bottom. I remember feeling scared and anxious about it, and I don't think it taught me right from wrong. I would usually get smacked for being annoying or loud rather than naughty things. He would do it to make me be quiet.

I think times have changed now (this was in the 90s) and maybe it's not as acceptable to smack children anymore. I don't believe it works. I can understand perhaps smacking a child's hand to stop them touching a hot oven or something, but otherwise, does it really make them grow up to be well behaved citizens?

I can't imagine smacking my child. Surely there are better ways to discipline?

No you are having a go love. I'd admitted it happened at low points. I felt shitty about it and it never happened again.
What more do you want?

To be honest, what I'd really like is to live in a society where violence against children was treated with the same disdain as violence against adults, and where "I was stressed", "he deserved it", "it taught them a lesson" were no more justifiable in reference to a child than they are to a wife or husband.

My mum would smack me if I was really bad but my dad often lost his temper if I was being too loud and annoying. I’ve never smacked my children, I don’t think it helps or changes bad behaviour

Please don't assume that the fact that I don't hit my children means they don't have discipline and consequences for their actions. We all do don't we? Most of us expect as adults that those consequences won't include violence. I am raising my daughters to take responsibility for what they do but not at expect to be hit for doing it wrong.

So when you've taken toys away, explained the consequences, and the child is still screaming in your face over and over, and you out them in time-out, and blah blah blah and nothing is working, what do you do?

I'm not saying smacking works, it doesn't, but what would you do in that situation when consequences don't seem to be working?

The whole "if you explain it to them, they won't do it' is a load of crap. I've lost count of the amount of times someone explained why something was wrong, or explained the consequences of something, and I've still done it as a kid.

Tbh, some adults do deserve to be smacked but that's another thread...

I agree with vdbfamily, the 'isolation' punishments are worse. But then i also agree with BertieBotts, it depends on the child, and as she said, you can't tell in advance. Which is why i dont plan to do it.
But I've also talked my husband out (i hope) of time out for our toddler, as I think that's cruel and ineffective.

@speakout

All very well and good to let children determine their own moral compass as long as said child is going to be one of those adults that actually has one... And isn't a budding psychopath

I don't think time-out is cruel as long as you time it right. A minute for every year.

So for a 2 year old = put in travel cot with no toys for 2 mins. Then get out.

5 year old - 5 mins

My mum smacked me as a child never my dad, I have always respected what he says more as he doesn't 'lose it'. I wouldn't smack a child now, all it teaches is to hit people if you're not happy with what they've done, especially if they are smaller/weaker than you. Saw a mum in the park hit her child because the child had hit another kid. Smacking her whilst saying it's naughty to hit other people, you mustn't hurt people.... WTF, how is that logical?? Also the environment I've had the most people say to me ' I was smacked didn't do me any harm', was in the groups in used to run for people convicted of violent offences. (Don't worry we did explore that further)

flowermug, what worked for my parents was the approach you'd expect from a very experienced teacher or an old-fashioned nanny:

gaining respect by building up an image of yourself as fair but firm- doesn't happen overnight, but once you've got there it's an invaluable tool

being consistent about rules and punishment

thinking ahead and pre-empting dangerous situations- a situation that never arises is one where you don't have to punish

staying very calm when things blow up

not giving in but equally not losing your temper

not getting overly emotional

never letting them see that you are afraid of losing control

firmly ensuring that everybody is safe (small children can be lifted out of harm's way)

being sparing in actual punishments but not backing down once you have decided to go down that route

having high standards yourself in matters of manners and self-control

working on a good relationship when things are going well, so you become the person they don't want to let down

accepting that you may have to deal with a situation more than once- it's the long haul that does it!

They weren't just dealing with easy-going compliant children: I was very rebellious as a small child and my younger brother had violent meltdowns (probably result of attachment disorder/PTSD). They spent plenty of time dealing with screaming non-compliant children. But they got there with (on the whole) minimum disruption to other people, it worked.

flower
It starts from the beginning really doesn't it. My 11 year old rarely gets told no because she's had 11 years of learning how to behave well and knows how to do it. Her worst crime is not putting her book down at night!!
My 3 year old is still learning. We talk lots, we give countdowns to things "in 5 minutes we will..." etc. At the supermarket on Saturday she let go of my hand (didn't run off) and we had a conversation about staying with me and why. She knows before she thinks about running why that would be a bad idea so is less likely to do it.

We have a marble jar. She gets marbles for all the good things she does (lots) and gets marbles removed for anything that she shouldn't have done (far less). When she has 20 she chooses a prize. It's about getting ahead of the game isn't it. Don't wait until the behaviour is awful and you are screaming a hitting people- talk about things all the time, explain everything, reward lots so that the attention is given for the good stuff rather than the bad.
It's not rocket science but it does take longer than the alternative.

Mine smacked me if I really played up. I guess it worked. However it did make me scared of my dad who was otherwise a lovely man. I regret that.

I have never smacked my 5yo DS, nor did DH until one time last month when DS ignored my instructions to hold my hand and ran right in front of a car, and if that car had had slower reactions... DH smacked him hard on the bottom in instant reaction. I might've reacted differently but I can't blame DH for that one time. The situation warranted action as DS needs deterrent from doing it again as he doesn't really understand the consequences of being hit by a car.

I don't agree with smacking as a regular thing through.

Speakout,

Are you always so smug? Do you teach your children smugness, too?

There are three possibilities really:

1/ you are a genuinely amazing parent. This is great but most parents are human beings.

2/ you are lucky enough to have given birth to compliant children who default to good behaviour. I was like that as a child, rarely smacked or sanctioned. My brother was the polar reverse, same parents, same upbringing.

3/ you are one of ‘those’ parents who believe they have perfectly behaved children but actually are the reverse. My kids have play dates with some of these. They will not listen to the most basic instructions so that the day goes smoothly but my god they know how to emote and explain what is fair and what is not.

On a forum like this, we will never know which of the three you fit into.

It is nice, however, to assume that most parents are doing their best and most kids wi turn out fine. Being pleasant and non judgmental (clearly, up to a point) is also a good example to set children.

flowermug, if the child is a budding psychopath, then smacking probably isn't going to stop them either. People with experience of working in prisons will confirm that an awful lot of the people in there, whether psychopaths or not, were smacked on a very regular basis.

So not smacking is being a “perfect” parent? And having well behaved children who understand why they’re being asked to behave in a certain way in certain situations is because they’re automatons? Or alternately, spoiled brats who get everything they want (nope...)

Just fuck off. No-one proclaimed themselves to be perfect, not being physically violent does not equal perfect parenting - it’s just adequate parenting. It is not difficult to not abuse your kids, just treat them like individuals. I don’t emotionally abuse my kids with naughty steps or locking them in their rooms either, fucking hell.

You (presumably) wouldn’t stomp around a boardroom handing out slaps and time outs to colleagues who wouldn’t do as they’re told, why is it an appropriate way to treat a child?

Violence does breed violence, there’s plenty of peer reviewed evidence on the subject.

I’m very lucky, I had years and years of counselling (paid for myself whilst on a crappy wage at that, because I had PTSD as a direct result of my childhood.)
My brother on the other hand, has a daughter who is terrified of him because of his uncontrollable anger and violent outbursts (aimed at inanimate objects usually) which I find incredibly sad.

Play fighting? Fineif your kids enjoy it, consent to it and can keep to appropriate boundaries. Still influenced by how kids are treated in the home though.
My eldest is gentle and has never been into wrestling or rough and tumble. When he was about three we were in the park with a friend who had a boy the same age and one slightly older - the younger one had learned some horribly violent behaviour from his older brother and at one point I turned around to see my son literally being pinned to the ground and punched in the head. My son was screaming for the other child to stop and obviously not enjoying the “play.” The other child’s mother just said, ‘oh please don’t do that X!’ in a joking tone. I was horrified and strangely enough we didn’t bother to see them again outside preschool. Said child is now 11 and still a bully (and from a naice background at that.)

But nonbiker your child is 5, and I would argue that a school aged child is plenty old enough to have been taught road safety. Teaching a child how to safely cross a road is what matters. What you have taught him is that if he runs out, Daddy will hit him. If Daddy's not there therefore it might be ok to run out....

We have also been consistent in terms of promises & threats & I do the countdown thing which 90% of the time does work & we also have the marble jar. DC1 is very responsive to all of this as he likes to “follow the rules” & was ridiculously sensible even as a baby. However DC2 is going to be much harder work, as I can see already he enjoys testing me & he’s far more physical then DC1 ever was.

Spamalotta - we did the reward jar. We ended up with jars and charts for numerous behavior issues. It got complicated keeping up with it but the DC’s were very aware of what was and wasn’t acceptable. It helped having DT’s as they were very competitive!

My sister used to pinch me. Nothing my parents said to her ever stopped her. I remember i had a plan. We were sitting beside each other and I worked up the couage to pinch her. She screamed and cried for half an hour before apologizing that she never knew how much it hurt. And she never punched me again. I just think sometimes, different approaches sometimes need to be taken.

be honest, what I'd really like is to live in a society where violence against children was treated with the same disdain as violence against adults, and where "I was stressed", "he deserved it", "it taught them a lesson" were no more justifiable in reference to a child than they are to a wife or husband.

We all would wouldn't we?
I added my voice to this thread as a parent who was smacked as a child and I am against smacking as a form of punishment. Very much so.
I also was honest. I am not a perfect mother, far from it. I do however have 4 lovely, well adjusted, polite children..2 at college and doing very well, the other 2 still at primary/nursery age. I'm immensely proud of them and of myself having brought them up as a lone parent...I dropped the ball twice. I don't feel I deserve to me lambasted about it on a forum for parents.
I'm sure your perfect though 😊

I remember play fighting with my brother usually ended in an actual fight so I can understand why some parents don't like it

*Just fuck off. No-one proclaimed themselves to be perfect, not being physically violent does not equal perfect parenting - it’s just adequate parenting. It is not difficult to not abuse your kids, just treat them like individuals. I don’t emotionally abuse my kids with naughty steps or locking them in their rooms either, fucking hell.

You (presumably) wouldn’t stomp around a boardroom handing out slaps and time outs to colleagues who wouldn’t do as they’re told, why is it an appropriate way to treat a child?*

If you don't do time-out or naughty step, what do you do exactly to encourage good behaviour? Not all kids respond to rewards or being asked nicely/firmly...

We all would wouldn't we?

Parents who hit their children, by definition, don't want to live in that sort of world mz.

It starts from the beginning really doesn't it. My 11 year old rarely gets told no because she's had 11 years of learning how to behave well and knows how to do it.

Yeah, and some kids get to 9/10/11 knowing how to behave correctly, but don't do it anyway. They know they shouldn't smash their wardrobe up or flush their toys down the toilet, or lock another child in the bathroom, but they do it anyway...

Again, I'm not saying smack them, I just don't get how parents think they have so much control and determination in their child's behaviour.

My parents never hit me, and I would never hit dd. I don’t think hitting a child as punishment is ever ok. Violence is never the answer, and teaching a child that they can hit someone smaller and weaker than them if they are displeased with their behaviour is not something I would want my child to internalise. The naughty step worked perfectly for me and my DB, children need time and space to think about what they’ve done wrong, scaring them by hitting them isn’t going to teach them right from wrong.