did your parents smack you? Do you smack your child?

[diamond702]

My dad used to smack me as a child, on the hand or bottom. I remember feeling scared and anxious about it, and I don't think it taught me right from wrong. I would usually get smacked for being annoying or loud rather than naughty things. He would do it to make me be quiet.

I think times have changed now (this was in the 90s) and maybe it's not as acceptable to smack children anymore. I don't believe it works. I can understand perhaps smacking a child's hand to stop them touching a hot oven or something, but otherwise, does it really make them grow up to be well behaved citizens?

I can't imagine smacking my child. Surely there are better ways to discipline?

Yes I remember getting a smack and how horrible it felt, I remember feeling scared and weirdly ashamed afterwards.
It's not a feeling I'd want my kids to have.

Any yet, you in fact have made them feel exactly that way by hitting them.

I find its the children who are smacked that behave the worst, no wonder really as they must be struggling to understand how someone they love could cause them physical pain on purpose.

Neither myself or my brothers grew up thinking physical violence was okay

Oh the irony of someone who hits her children "because they deserved it" saying this!
Most people on this thread who were hit don't hit their children because they remember how bloody horrible it was!

I was a perfect parent too for a while. Until my dd was born. And I know a few people who are perfect parents. Some of them always. Some of them who then had a less than perfect child and their halos slipped. I do often wonder about parents who take full credit for well behaved pleasant children as if children are somehow personality- free robots that need to programmed.

I completely agree with larrygrylls.

I was occasionally smacked as a child. I didn't think I was particularly hard done by - as I recall, I had always been naughty and it was a 'fair' punishment - a bit like the naughty step, part of the punishment was humiliation rather than the smack itself. I wasn't being beaten - it was a slap on hand or bottom, and I was told why.

I don't smack my children (we used standing in the corner if ever needed) - though I think I have once or twice slapped an arm or pulled them a bit roughly if eg running in to road, back when quite young. I also pulled my 9yo back quite roughly when he decided to do some kind of flying karate kick at his brother in middle of street last week - that's first time in ages I remember a physical aspect to my parenting and I think it was appropriate.

If you supervise your child and redirect them, guess what, they won't put their fingers in dangerous places. If you hold their hand/use reigns/communicate and explain

I don't agree with smacking but seriously if you think all children actually listen when you tell them no, or listen when you try to redirect them etc, then I'm very surprised.

Speakout,

There aren’t always ‘natural consequences’ to behaviour; that is a load of tosh.

Of course the backbone to parenting is leading by example and explaining but some children also need boundaries enforced.

It is like many parents now disapprove of play fighting, although it is an essential way of children safely exploring and setting
boundaries.

Some kids get through their entire schooling without a single sanction, others struggle to go a week. Although one can often see parental influence at play, there are many other dynamics including good old genetics and siblings.

Gosh slaney I'm not a perfect parent. Just a non-abusive, non-violent one raising two fabulous daughters to be the same.

I also think that here a huge scale in-between a "smack" that doesn't hurt but takes by suprise etc, and being fucking beaten or ht with a belt or left with red hand prints and stinging skin...

Born in the 1960s. Yes I was smacked but got several warnings to stop my bad behaviour first. Me and my sister were like twins so were double trouble - we'd get the wooden spoon on the back of the legs.
When i was about 7 i said the word "fuck". I knew what I was doing and was pushing boundaries. Got a whack for that - i never did it again.
My mum had four lively children in 5 years. We didn't get smacked a lot but yes you could say she lost control but I don't blame her. We were hard work and she didn't have time to reason with us.

I don't agree with smacking but seriously if you think all children actually listen when you tell them no, or listen when you try to redirect them etc, then I'm very surprised

I'm a teacher. I know they don't always listen but I know there are other options than violence because I use them every day. I'd be sacked if I hit a child at work and yet manage to maintain a productive, respectful classroom.

*Yes I remember getting a smack and how horrible it felt, I remember feeling scared and weirdly ashamed afterwards.
It's not a feeling I'd want my kids to have.

Any yet, you in fact have made them feel exactly that way by hitting them.*

Yes, like I said not my finest moments. I do not smack as a form of punishment.
The occasions I'm talking about have been twice in my entire life as a parent and at times I was particularly stressed and not doing my best.

Yes-a lot. My mother however is a narcissistic bitch who couldn't control herself. She also used to chuck me out of the house regularly from around the age of 9 complete with clothes in a black bin bag-which I then had to put away when she let me back in. I loved my childhood terrified of her. We are NC now.

I would never, ever touch my kids or do anything to scare them as she did.

Lived not loved obviously!

And yet mz in those moments, you presumably didn't go on a wild spree of violence, hitting anyone else? Just your children? You don't use smacking as punishment, so you just hit your children because they were there? A human punchbag? A stress ball?
Your children won't think "mum was stressed", they will think exactly the same thoughts that you yourself did as a child.

Seriously, I'm not having a go at you. I just find the irony of "this is how it made me feel but I did it to my children because I was stressed" quite mystifying.

I'm a teacher. I know they don't always listen but I know there are other options than violence because I use them every day. I'd be sacked if I hit a child at work and yet manage to maintain a productive, respectful classroom.

But those kids seemingly understand the consequences - less play time, detentions, being sent out of the lesson etc. And if they are really naughty you can just get rid of them and send them to the head teacher. I wouldn't compare it personally. You can suspend a very naughty child from school, you can't get rid of your child.

my daughter is one of those that is perfectly behaved. I don’t take all the credit for this at all. I have always said that I think it’s part parenting and part personality and just how she is. She is a people pleaser and doesn’t like to be told off by default. I rarely have to raise my voice and I have never smacked her as I just don’t have the need to.

My son on the other hand is a different kettle of fish and isn’t interested in pleasing people. I still would never smack him.

I was never smacked as a child as my parents always said they didn’t think it was right and that they should be able to talk to us instead of giving us a whack. They didn’t want us to fear them. I do not smack my kids either, ever.

vdbfamily - I couldn't agree more - you've said it much better than I could.

No you are having a go love. I'd admitted it happened at low points. I felt shitty about it and it never happened again.
What more do you want?
I certainly do not use my children as punch bags or whatever else.
You're just being silly now.

Dh got hit a lot. He says it didn't change or moderate his behaviour at all and that he just shrugged it off.

I was hit once. The rest of it the time as it was mostly me and dm (df worked away a lot) it was emotional stuff (would probably be classed as emotional abuse these days) and it definitely did me way more damage than being hit did dh. I have very little self esteem and a tendency towards perfectionism along with a hugely negative inner voice constantly reminding me useless and worthless I am.

We don't hit ds but I'm also very careful what I say and how I say it. Have to admit I'm not a fan of the naughty step either.

Yep was smacked occasionally according to my mother but don't remember so not traumatic for me obviously. Also smacked at school a couple of times (70s) which I do remember.
I have smacked one of mine once on back of legs, more out of fright than anything as he was doing something potentially dangerous. Other than that I have not smacked. Although I do remember smacking a much younger sibling when I was old enough to know better. This I am not proud of although I doubt very much that he remembers!

If you asked her now, my mother would say that she doesn't believe that smacking children is helpful and it isn't 'her way'. I suppose it wasn't, generally, but I do remember the 3 or 4 occasions I did get a smacked bottom or legs as a small child vividly. I still burn with the injustice of it when I think about it as an adult, and it definitely sowed a seed of resentment that absolutely wasn't 'helpful' in our relationship!

She's also forgetting the few time that I got a big slap across the face during arguments as a teenager. If I remind her, she'll say 'Yeah, it didn't work did it? Proves my point, smacking doesn't work'. This says it all - she doesn't think smacking it right because it doesn't work, not because it's the wrong thing to do! I once put my arm up to block her hitting me, and accidentally whacked her in the mouth, splitting her lip. Funnily, she never hit me again after that.

And no, I have not smacked my own children. Though I can see how it happens on the spur of the moment, it is up to adults to try to control themselves and calm down. As for it being used as a punishment that is not in the heat of the moment - that's evil imo.

But those kids seemingly understand the consequences

Please don't assume that the fact that I don't hit my children means they don't have discipline and consequences for their actions. We all do don't we? Most of us expect as adults that those consequences won't include violence. I am raising my daughters to take responsibility for what they do but not at expect to be hit for doing it wrong.

I bet smacking has an overall negative effect on classroom behaviour

And no it doesn’t mean people resort to ignoring etc and yes children can be well-behaved if they are not smacked

I’m surprised people still defend it

Is it threat of punishment that keeps most of us behaving well?

I would suggest not.
Is the only reason that you don't burgle your neighbours house that you may get caught and punished by the courts?

For some people yes, that's why we need laws and punishment.

But for the vast majority of us we act in certain ways because we are mostly altruistic, seek harmony within society.

Children are no different.

I have never punished- I think it can actually prevent children from defining their own moral compass.
They moderate their actions for fear of getting caught and punished rather than because they understand the impact that their actions have on other people.