To be upset with friends for not picking me up

[Foreverthinking]

I've lived on the outskirts of a big city for a few years not and not seen much if anything of my friends back home.

Two of them are driving down today to go to an event we're all interested in, it has been pre arranged for a few weeks that we'd go together and have a catch up. I was looking forward to seeing them.

Today arrives and I just haven't got the disposable money outside of my budget to justify the train fares into the city centre. I don't drive. It'll cost me around £20 all in. I'm on a tight budget as a single mum on maternity leave and every penny I have has to go on necessities. I just don't have that going spare without leaving me short for a bill that's due tomorrow.

I asked whether it would be ok if they picked me up on their way through, and i'd happily compensate them for the extra fuel next week. It wouldn't put them off course too much at all, an extra 20 minutes driving if that. I added that it was totally ok if they didn't want to and it wouldn't be a problem.

Instead of just saying no they made up an excuse that because of low emmisons charges they'd have to park up somewhere and ride the rest of the way(?) Meaning they can't pick me up, so now I'm not going

Aibu to be a bit upset?

Ive been generous to both of these people over the course of knowing them 10 plus years and never asked for any favours before. I know I shouldn't expect to depend on others and don't mean to sound like a whiney git but if the shoe was on the other foot i'd be happy to have obliged just for the sake of seeing what I thought was a good friend!

You let them know money was the problem but you didn’t say you’d not be able to make it without a lift or a loan. So they’re possibly sitting there confused thinking you’re flaky. You saw asking for a lift as far preferable than a loan when in these circumstances, a loan is far easier to provide. Were you still living locally, naturally, i assume you would have travelled together. But you’re not. It’s out of the way travelling in unpredictable traffic.

I agree with the previous poster-i would absolutely have lent you £20 so you could make it. I wouldn’t have wanted to drive a minute longer than I had to on a hot bank holiday weekend though.

Did you ask to borrow £20?

Some people are so wrapped up in their own lives.

If I was driving anywhere for an event I'd always ask how we are getting there etc. If I was driving I'd pick you up on route. It wouldn't cross my mind not too iyswim?

If I was parking and going in by train I'd arrange to meet you and travel together and if you said finances are tight and I could help out - I would.

But you also have to learn to be more assertive in arrangements. So "can you pick me up I'll pay - but ok if you can't" isn't assertive enough. It's more of a tone of "if you can be bothered to do me a favour" rather than "as your driving I'm sure you can wing round past mine and get me on the way"

Can’t speak for anyone else, but my frustration with non-drivers is they think it doesn’t impact anyone else that they don’t drive, but they then ask (in some cases expect) to be driven places without understanding what that involves (as PP have said, 20 mins on a bank holiday weekend is almost always always at least an hour plus due to traffic).

Non-drivers also take no account of the fact that drivers will quite often have to modify their plans of where to host catch ups, to make sure that the non-driver can attend via public transport. Drivers will never mention to you that they have done this, but I assure you, they do.

And lastly, because personally, I just don’t think (medical issues aside) that there is any excuse not to learn to drive! If you can’t afford to run a car that’s one thing, but to not learn to drive in the first place, I just can’t understand it.

Anyway OP, I think the problem here is that your friends perhaps didn’t understand that money was the issue, and if you are more direct next time they might offer to loan you money instead. I’m sorry you’re missing your event :(

Loaning you the money to get there on public transport would have been infinitely easier for everyone. Adding a minimum of 40 minutes onto someone's journey to and fro in hot weather with unpredictable traffic near London sounds unpleasant, especially when public transport would be infinitely less stressful. It would require a big change of timings, to factor in extra unpredictability in the journey. It would also tie people down to all heading back at the same time, so losing all spontaneity (and thus losing absolutely every advantage of driving rather than the driver getting public transport themselves). Yes, I suspect your friends were being somewhat selfish, Foreverthinking, but as a non- driver, you were being understandably dense about the implications of your request! You now know to ask for a loan in future, instead and see how they respond to that!

OP, I can completely understand why you're disappointed about not seeing your friends. I would be too. I guess there's a bit of hurt that you've helped them out in the past and that favour isn't being returned, although favours can't really be redeemed as and when we'd like (not that you necessarily are, just a general point).

I'm absolutely not being anti-non drivers but - and I say this gently - non drivers often have no idea what driving entails. Traffic, petrol costs, navigating your way somewhere unfamiliar (I've been driving years and live near London but I have NEVER driven in central London - it's far too stressful), finding somewhere to park that doesn't require the sale of a kidney... I have some non-driver friends I often give lifts to and recently had to put my foot down about petrol contributions - not only did they not really have any appreciation of how much a 80-mile round trip costs (they seemed to think less than a fiver!) but there was the assumption that driving is so quick that the extra time to go out of my way to collect them was negligible. When you walk/cycle/public transport everywhere it's easy to think driving is quick and convenient, when it's often anything but :)

@TigerTown actually I haven’t learned to driver because I can’t afford lessons but I have also, as a non driver, made concessions to meet somewhere where there is easy parking which can mean going to a lesser restaurant. Don’t think as a driver you’re the only one who is considerate. Sure there are inconsiderate non drivers. There are plenty of inconsiderate drivers too often in BMWs

It's not only congestion charge they will have to figure in parking too! Also if your not used to driving in London I can imagine it would be quite daunting. Also getting train and tube into London has cost me about £15 quid...so a lot cheaper than driving.

I understand where you're all coming from.

I did make it crystal clear to them that i didn't have the funds to get there and wasn't just flaking out, I wasn't just hinting or trying to gloss over the fact i was absolutely skint either. I could have been direct and simply asked to borrow the money, but knowing them as I do I didn't have much faith in them saying yes so I thought I'd leave it at that. I don't like asking others for money and never have done. I think if they were as keen to see me as I was them then they'd have taken up my offer of coming for coffee afterwards, its not like they are going to be down this way again any time soon.

A couple of people have suggested perhaps the friendship may have ran it's course, we talk online regularly but until now there hadn't been any plans to meet up.

I've reminded myself that not everybody will put themselves out for you no matter how long you've known them or what you've done for them in the past and that's all fine and is their prerogative so I have to stop assuming others think the same way that I do.

Are you seriously expecting them to drive into and park in central London? Okay the event is free but it starts getting expensive when you factor that in.

Now, you might think it is a friend's duty to help you out with a bit of money if you need it, but a lot of people get concerned about lending money to people they know as it often gets awkward.

At the end of the day, if you can't afford to go somewhere you can't afford to go and getting mad at your friends for not bailing you out one way or the other is a bit unfair really in my opinion. How long have you know about this event?

Hang on a minute

They told me they planned to drive into central London to begin with. If i knew they now weren't then i wouldn't have asked for a lift in the first place.

I've known about the day for a few weeks and usually I would have disposable money but due to unforseen circumstances cropping up I've been left with nothing other than what I need for bills.

I should have mentioned that earlier on and yes I did leave it until the last minute which I've acknowledged. I certainly wasn't expecting them to drive me into central London if they weren't intending to in the first place I'm not that rude.

They said initially they were driving to HP, when I asked for a lift they then said they were not.

Tigertown - if OP cannot afford £17 on train fares, then I hardly think she has the money to throw at driving lessons for a car that she cannot afford.

I really don't get the anti-driver anger some people have. Everything to do with driving is expensive. Lessons cost what £30, £40 a pop ? Why on earth would you have them if you didn't plan to buy and use a car?

OP - again with the coming for coffee afterwards, there is two sides to the story. As your friends don't know that you can't afford to go to the outing, as opposed to you merely couldn't be bothered to take the train, they will equally be thinking why would they make a detour after a tiring day to come and see you when you could just have gone to the event when you're quite close

.

I think you just need to put today behind you, as far as I see it no one is to blame and it doesn't particularly signify to me that your friends didn't want to see you.

Also if you've bothered reading the thread I've leant them money multiple times and never asked them to lend me a penny to date

I have never "thought it's a friends duty to help me out with money at all"

Rookie I told them the reason I couldn't get the train. They know I have no money.

It's put behind me anyhow it's over and done with now

OP I think the issue is that you suddenly presented it as "I cant go unless you pick me up "
Remember that it was all prearranged and they had no idea that you had no money.
It would irritate me tbh .

I've reminded myself that not everybody will put themselves out for you no matter how long you've known them or what you've done for them in the past and that's all fine and is their prerogative so I have to stop assuming others think the same way that I do

So you're stil going with the martyrish "I'm soo much nicer than them and fine, I won't expect people to be as great as me" even though its you messing them about, and being horrible about them?

Got you. One of those

I passed my test in July best thing I ever did. My friend messaged me the other day and suggested going to the next town about 15 minutes away shopping and suggested getting the train. I told her I would drive down and she paid for the parking and we had a nice day out. Picking a friend up on the way somewhere ten minutes is fine but 20minutes out of the way on a bh weekend and not getting the money for petrol to Tuesday ( you could have forgotten to send it and they may feel uncomfortable asking for it) as others side busy bank holiday and increase journey times so your detour is longer. Under those circumstances I wouldn’t give a lift either especially given it was last minute.

If you lived anywhere but London I might say YANBU but London is a pain to drive in. It is stressful, congested and no where to park usually and very expensive. I don't know about the congestion charge because we never drive in any more. If we go to London we stay outside with family and catch the train in. I can therefore understand why your friends were reluctant to divert although disappointing for you given you have not seen them for a while. We moved 250 miles away from London 30 years ago and really only keep up with family and have not maintained relationships with friends mainly due to the distance and hassle of getting there. Have you got friends near where you live now?

Hopefully once you are back from maternity leave you will have more disposable cash.

OP they are talking bullshit. I live in London and drive to central all the time. There is no congestion charge on a Sunday and this info is freely available. There are a lot of places you can park for free on a Sunday (or weekend in general) and again this info is freely available.

Basically they just want to not go out of their way.

My OH parks in town every night for free. Zone 1. Legally. It's possible to find out where to park if you look online.

And as for emissions charges that's for very high emission vehicles like lorries etc! Not a bloody Fiesta or something!

Did you offer to pay the congestion charge too as that would be more than your train fare

Money won't be an issue when I'm back off maternity leave, I wouldn't say its an issue now generally. It's not often I have to pay through the nose for things I haven't budgeted for. I don't go without and don't struggle to get around. This was unfortunate timing and nothing more.

Thank you for clarifying regarding congestion and parking, Someone. I really hadn't the foggiest about congestion and emmisons charges. They don't drive anything big just a standard car.

Allthebest, I would have happily reimbursed them for whatever added expense they incurred from picking me up as it would have been doing me a favour therefore I'd have been grateful and happy to do so.

Hey Forever, hope you had a good day today. I'm on mat leave too so know how isolating it can be. Hoop and Children's Centres are great for making others in the same boat. Me and some mum friends do Park meet ups etc.

This might be useless advice but in case you were lonely.

I also don't think you should read anything into the friends actions. I am sure they wanted you there but the lift just wasn't convienent.

Thank you GinUnicorn

That isn't useful advice and I appreciate the pointer. It is quite isolating isn't It, I'm actually looking forward to getting back to work so I can socialise with adults again

My friend once got caught out by the emissions charge she had just got a camper van and didn't realise the emissions charge was a separate thing from the congestion charge, so she ended up with a £200 fine.
I think its fairly easy to get about in London without a car if you can afford public transport. So it's not the issue of driving that is the problem for OP but being short of funds.

I know the feeling! Love them to bits but some days you want to just have an adult conversation. X