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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with friends for not picking me up

280 replies

Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 10:48

I've lived on the outskirts of a big city for a few years not and not seen much if anything of my friends back home.

Two of them are driving down today to go to an event we're all interested in, it has been pre arranged for a few weeks that we'd go together and have a catch up. I was looking forward to seeing them.

Today arrives and I just haven't got the disposable money outside of my budget to justify the train fares into the city centre. I don't drive. It'll cost me around £20 all in. I'm on a tight budget as a single mum on maternity leave and every penny I have has to go on necessities. I just don't have that going spare without leaving me short for a bill that's due tomorrow.

I asked whether it would be ok if they picked me up on their way through, and i'd happily compensate them for the extra fuel next week. It wouldn't put them off course too much at all, an extra 20 minutes driving if that. I added that it was totally ok if they didn't want to and it wouldn't be a problem.

Instead of just saying no they made up an excuse that because of low emmisons charges they'd have to park up somewhere and ride the rest of the way(?) Meaning they can't pick me up, so now I'm not going

Aibu to be a bit upset?

Ive been generous to both of these people over the course of knowing them 10 plus years and never asked for any favours before. I know I shouldn't expect to depend on others and don't mean to sound like a whiney git but if the shoe was on the other foot i'd be happy to have obliged just for the sake of seeing what I thought was a good friend! Sad

OP posts:
musicposy · 06/05/2018 21:01

They may not have been able to wait until Tuesday for the fuel cost, though. 20 minutes extra driving to get to you, and then 20 mins on the way back - that will add extra petrol cost, and your friend has to pay that now, or they can't get to you.

Now, they may be well off, but it wouldn't be an extra expense I couldn't do, coupled with the risk of you not actually ever paying it and them having to ask or feel bad. I also couldn't add to how tiring it already is driving to these things and having a day out on top by adding another 20 mins each way onto my journey. Now, again, they may be younger and fitter than me. But I'd have made an excuse and it would be nothing to do with how much I valued the friendship.

I have a couple of non-driver friends and it's hard for them to understand that "just picking them up on the way" involves so much more expense, wear and tear and effort than they think it does.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 06/05/2018 21:18

You’re just being ridiculous now op. You’ve decided they don’t want you with them and how nice you are compared to them etc so be done with them then. Clearly you’re not keen on them.

MissP103 · 06/05/2018 21:37

Op has admitted shes been unreaspnanle because she was upset
What more do people want?

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 21:50

Blood most probably Grin

OP posts:
Etino · 06/05/2018 22:12

Hugs @Foreverthinking
I’d have collected you. I’m guilty of over offering lifts and don’t mind driving. As others have said there’s no congestion charge today and parking is free in most places in a London. But they probably genuinely thought it would be a ‘mare getting in and out.
Flowers

Fruitcorner123 · 06/05/2018 22:22

If I was in this situation I think we would have arranged to drive to the friend who lives near the city (you) leave our car there because it's free parking and all make our way together. i get that it's not quite on their way but if you are old friends it seems silly to not travel in together when you are close to London. I know that's not useful now.

I think you know you should have been mormorganised about arrangements. I think I would be upset too of friends were coming to my city and I had arranged to see them and this happened. The only thing I can think is that maybe they see it as you dropping out and are disappointed with you. I second ginunicorn in saying baby friends are the best way to make you feel like yoursekf again on mat leave

Fruitcorner123 · 06/05/2018 22:23

*more organised!!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/05/2018 22:33

Mormorganised- top word. Grin

It's probably best not to read too much into it now and maybe propose another get together (that suits you all travel wise) in the future?

Dieu · 06/05/2018 22:51

Fuck me, some people on this thread are coming across way worse than the OP. She has taken responsibility, admitted that she ought to have saved, etc etc. She is human and as such, is allowed to feel disappointed by her friends.
Don't feel you have to keep justifying yourself, OP. I would give up on this thread personally. and the miserable bastards on it

Rogue1234 · 06/05/2018 23:23

People on here are so funny about non-drivers! I'd have given you a lift, OP. And if there had been a genuine reason why I couldn't (like I was skint too so couldn't wait until Tuesday for the money), I'd have actually told you why not.

I don't think YABU for being disappointed, and I hope you manage to enjoy your weekend anyway. Flowers

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 07/05/2018 11:56

Thank you for the more polite replies 😊 It does seem like some people on here enjoy being obnoxious and have no manners which is ironic given the post.

There are definitely some trolls lurking on the site.

Not to worry anyhow it's over and done with Grin

OP posts:
PEARSON93 · 07/05/2018 17:48

I can see both sides.

It would have been nice for them, but 20mins to some can be quite a diversion, I know I wouldn't not when tackling city traffic, but also, you knew the event was coming up so could've looked at budgeting or saving.

jessebuni · 07/05/2018 17:49

I drive but when I go to London I park a bit outside and tube in because between congestion charges, parking charges, traffic and just generally driving around a very busy place I don’t know it’s just a huge hassle. So it probably wasn’t an excuse.

bearbehind · 07/05/2018 17:56

It's a bit rich to start a thread then call the people who disagree with you 'trolls'

I think you were out of order.

You knew when the event was but couldn't afford to go unless your friends drove 20 minutes out of their way each way.

If you'd arranged for them to pick you up from the beginning then fair enough, but clearly this only happened at the last minute, hence you didn't know about their change of plan to no longer be driving all the way in.

The fact is 40 minutes driving out of someone's way is worth at least £10 so the £17 train fare is no big deal really, it's just your cash flow that's the issue here and that's not your friends problem.

mushlett · 07/05/2018 18:12

Wow, sometimes I really hate how people on here respond to things. A single mum who is feeling isolated and lonely has made a post, feeling really disappointed because she is missing out on a fun day out with her friends.
I hope you managed to have a lovely day regardless OP xx

bearbehind · 07/05/2018 18:17

But that wasn't the spirit of the post mushlett.

If it had been the reaction would have been very different.

The post was actually berating the friends for something which was actually the OPs fault.

ToftyAC · 07/05/2018 18:23

I think they were being mean if they’d originally said they were driving until you asked for a lift. Friends understand, especially if you’ve done favours over the years. YANBU IMO

bearbehind · 07/05/2018 18:27

The OP specifically says

Today arrives and I just haven't got the disposable money outside of my budget to justify the train fares into the city centre

Today arrives - So the OP asked for a lift on the day.

It's perfectly reasonable that the drivers had changed their plans to drive in all the way and had absolutely no reason to relay those plans to the OP beforehand.

bearbehind · 07/05/2018 18:30

That's aside from the fact I don't think it's fair to put 40 minutes of someone unplanned time ahead of me spending £17.

DailyMailClickbait · 07/05/2018 18:41

God some people really do not know when to give up, do they.

OP has explained herself multiple times, agreed she's BU. Yet still the pile on continues.

And as for the condemnation for not being able to drive... I wonder how many of those posters are the same ones lining up to compare their eco credentials and share tips about how they are helping to save the planet?

bearbehind · 07/05/2018 18:48

I've not seen the OP say she was BU.

I've seen her call people trolls, I've seen 'the friendship may have run it's course', I've seen 'I'd pay them back later this week even though I only asked them on the day'

It's fine to 'hope' that people will look out for you, it's unreasonable expect them to do so at the drop of a hat especially if it involves them gong out of their way to do so.

Leontine · 07/05/2018 18:53

I find that people on MN are really weird about giving people lifts.

I don't know if that's because I live in an area where you have to travel to get anywhere and live an hour away from any cities (and even then, they're not major ones, admittedly this means I no nothing about congestion charges either), so travelling 20 minutes extra in the car is nothing.

I wouldn't even consider not picking you up if you were my friend.

QuiteCleanBandit · 07/05/2018 19:28

Leon thats because they have had a CF take advantage of them -noone starts a thread if their friend pays petrol,is on time and thankful do they ?Grin

FrankenToast · 07/05/2018 19:47

I can see both sides. I don't have any issues with giving lifts or lending friends money, but then at certain points of the month, I just can't. And on the same level, I have no issues with driving anywhere, but can definitely understand that some people don't like driving in certain areas or on certain roads. I can definitely see your upset too, though.

I don't think it would've been at all as bad, had they just replied saying "No, sorry" but the fact that you were pinging messages back and forth, and then they suddenly went quiet for 20 minutes, and then came up with an excuse, that would've irked me slightly too. They could've said no, and then explained why. But to go silent, then give an excuse? Nope, I'm sorry, just be an adult and don't pussy foot around. Just tell me straight instead of trying to be 'nice' about it. I'm an adult, so talk to me like one.

bearbehind · 07/05/2018 19:51

franken, the trouble is, if a friend has put you on the spot it's hard to be so direct.

A real friend wouldn't put someone on the spot.