Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with friends for not picking me up

280 replies

Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 10:48

I've lived on the outskirts of a big city for a few years not and not seen much if anything of my friends back home.

Two of them are driving down today to go to an event we're all interested in, it has been pre arranged for a few weeks that we'd go together and have a catch up. I was looking forward to seeing them.

Today arrives and I just haven't got the disposable money outside of my budget to justify the train fares into the city centre. I don't drive. It'll cost me around £20 all in. I'm on a tight budget as a single mum on maternity leave and every penny I have has to go on necessities. I just don't have that going spare without leaving me short for a bill that's due tomorrow.

I asked whether it would be ok if they picked me up on their way through, and i'd happily compensate them for the extra fuel next week. It wouldn't put them off course too much at all, an extra 20 minutes driving if that. I added that it was totally ok if they didn't want to and it wouldn't be a problem.

Instead of just saying no they made up an excuse that because of low emmisons charges they'd have to park up somewhere and ride the rest of the way(?) Meaning they can't pick me up, so now I'm not going

Aibu to be a bit upset?

Ive been generous to both of these people over the course of knowing them 10 plus years and never asked for any favours before. I know I shouldn't expect to depend on others and don't mean to sound like a whiney git but if the shoe was on the other foot i'd be happy to have obliged just for the sake of seeing what I thought was a good friend! Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 14:44

I didn't directly ask to borrow £20 no

Yeah I'm quite surprised that non drivers are automatically thought of as entitled etc on here too

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 06/05/2018 14:45

I thought that friends help each other out, op has said she has helped them out in the past, and has never asked for favours. Oh well you live and learn. However how the hell does it cost you £20 to go from the outskirts into the city. I get a train occassionally from Milton Keynes to London return, and cost me £25. I used to live in North West London, and to travel into London, I would get a £6 travel card, covering all zones, and rail and bus.

TheFirstMrsDV · 06/05/2018 14:46

Sounds like you started this thread whilst pretty upset but without really thinking through why your friends turned you down.
I hope that knowing a bit more about why they probably did it has made you feel a bit better.

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 14:48

It has actually yes, TheFirst

Whilst I'm disappointed I didn't get to see them I can see why they wouldn't have wanted to come and pick me up

If the shoe was on the other foot I definitely would have done if possible, but it's a case of each to their own isn't it

OP posts:
seventh · 06/05/2018 14:50

i jumped to conclusions and thought they were just making an excuse not to pick me up, I wasn't judging them harshly

Not wishing to labour the point ( although I'm about to 😂) .... but jumping to conclusions IS judging.

You formed an opinion based on zero facts - this is a judgement.

Maybe you weren't being harsh, I don't know. It seemed a bit mean of you, to me.

TigerTown · 06/05/2018 14:53

If the shoe was on the other foot I definitely would have done if possible, but it's a case of each to their own isn't it

Since you don’t drive OP, you can’t say you ‘definitely would have’. Driving in London is awful at the best of times, almost heart attack inducing and exhausting on a bank holiday weekend, never mind the expense of fuel, central London parking, etc. You can’t say you would willinginly opt to do this, when you don’t drive at all!

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 14:57

What is with the general dislike of non drivers here? Somebody else pointed it out earlier, about there being a generalised view on MN of people who don't own a car. I'm interested as to why?

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 06/05/2018 14:58

I think you're at a stressful time in your life right now OP, your emotions are running high and this situation has caught you out. Put it behind you would be my advice. Don't make judgements about your friends when you're feeling up against things, that tends to be when we make decisions we later regret.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 06/05/2018 15:01

Sorry haven't read all the thread but I think they should have picked you up. Friends do nice things for each other. However, I don't think it's completely their fault.
You did have plenty of time to prepare for travelling there as you say it had been arranged for a few weeks.
You should have sorted travel arrangements out ages ago or made sure you had the money for the train fare. So fault on both sides but I'm siding with you slightly more.

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 15:02

And Tiger I said if possible.

As you've quite rightly pointed out I don't drive I cannot say for certain however I know I would want to help.

If that meant going out of my way for a friend of over ten years who I haven't seen in a long time then I personally would do that. I'm not saying everybody should, or would.

I have done many a favour for friends in my time, some of which meant going out of my way to do it.

I was asking for a lift, not their life savings.

People do greater things for others every day because they are friends.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 06/05/2018 15:02

It's well stressful driving in and out of London and people tend to stick to the main routes so it's a big ask to do a detour. Tips a nice day out into logistical hassle.

If you're in greater London couldn't you get a bus? We're right on the outskirts of south London and the services are great and way cheaper than your £17 figure. It sounds like you didn't want to go all that much if you couldn't jump on a bus.

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 15:05

TooTrue yes that would be a fair comment to make

I'm not going to hold it against them and I will have forgotten all about it before long. It's no big issue I'm not overly bothered about missing the event itself.

Like I mentioned on an earlier page what upset me was how it didn't seem as though they were all too bothered about seeing me and as I was looking forward to spending time in their company I was a little hurt.

I'm not angry at them at all

OP posts:
slashlover · 06/05/2018 15:13

I probably wouldn't have driven out of my way in BH traffic on unfamiliar roads BUT if you'd have asked me for a small loan for a couple of days then I would have done it no problem. I've loaned much more than £20 to mates before when they've been short, I can't see why you wouldn't have asked.

rookiemere · 06/05/2018 15:16

Forever as I've said up-thread I really think this is a timing issue.

On the day of the event, plans have already been made and the focus is on getting there rather than rejigging things at the last minute because someone appears to have a last minute issue with taking public transport.

If you'd only said a few days go about needing a lift and possibly being honest about the reason why, then I'm sure your friends would have found a way to get you there either through lending or giving you the fare money.

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 15:17

I guess I felt a bit uncomfortable asking to borrow money outright.

I suppose to a driver somebody asking for a lift isn't that different to asking to borrow money but I didn't see it that way.

OP posts:
Someonehelpmi · 06/05/2018 15:18

I don't drive, not by choice but because of a medical condition and even I understand the frustration and reasoning behind drivers not wanting to do something for someone. People assume just because someone has a car and CAN drive that they should whenever they need them to because it's so easy...

rookiemere · 06/05/2018 15:21

Yes Forever - I think that's the thing.

It's natural not to want to let your friends know that you're short of cash, but by not telling them the truth and by asking for an out of the way lift at the last minute, their version of the truth looks different to yours. I'd much rather pay for your train fare than have to do a big detour as I hate driving, but not having been given the option in that situation - I wouldn't have been able to do that.

Anyway enjoy the rest of the day.

woollyheart · 06/05/2018 15:24

It is upsetting not to see them, but it is unreasonable to think they are being unkind. A lot of people living outside London find it daunting to drive into the centre of London. While they may have got courage up to consider driving into a known destination in the centre, it might well have caused them panic and consternation to be suddenly asked to drive in a new and unknown part of London.

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 15:26

It's the first time I've ever asked them for a lift, I can understand the frustration if somebody is asked on a regular basis but this was the only time I've asked them to consider it

I'm a believer one good turn returns another and as I've done plenty for them in the past and never asked anything of them I thought perhaps as friends they would be ok with helping me out just the once.

I don't think that thought process is unreasonable but after reading all the responses I do see why it would be a pain in the backside

I've done favours for people that have been a pain in the backside at the time but hey they're not obliged to do anything and that's fine.

I don't harbour any anger towards them about it, I was in a crap mood when I posted but not so much now

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 15:28

I did let them know that money was the problem not just me trying to exploit the fact they drive.

Anyway no harm done I've still managed to enjoy the nice weather

OP posts:
Whereismumhiding2 · 06/05/2018 15:28

If the shoe was on the other foot I definitely would have done if possible, but it's a case of each to their own isn't it

But you don't drive OP and don't really know how long it'd take them out of their way.

I used to drive in London outskirts and central, and a '20 mins car drive' on a hot BH weekend, or one where a match was nearby (... or say a busy weekend with a free Hyde park event!!) ... could easily turn that '20 mins' into a '90 mins' detour each way!! Even with a 20 mins each way, as others have said it'd be almost an hour half extra driving in this heat, possibly 4+ hours more which they can't know but might guess at. I wouldn't take the risk having not had any pre-warning, and if traffic was stop start it'd cost more than £20 extra in petrol!! They are already travelling to the event on a long day for them too...

I'd be a bit Hmm - it's been for weeks.

I also think I'd have been quiet for that 20mins after text request, taken time to think about it, Google it, before saying No... Maybe also to take a deep breath before replying as tbh last minute let downs are frustrating. There are some people that repeat flakiness either way, it is a last minute pain. You've explained circs, so hopefully this is first 'last minute drop out', but that doesn't mean your friends didn't recall times you'd forgotten about, even for a few minutes before they gave their heads a wobble!

Whereismumhiding2 · 06/05/2018 15:30

I'd be a bit hmm - it's been planned for weeks.

Is what I meant to type!!

Whereismumhiding2 · 06/05/2018 15:33

Trying to help you see there might be things you hadn't thought of OP. Doesn't mean anyone is really being a bad friend but assumptions can be made on either side. Unfairly or not.

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 15:34

It is the first last minute drop out yes

It would have been the first time I've seen them in years and nothing similar has happened in the past

OP posts:
MissDuke · 06/05/2018 15:40

OP I would be disappointed too if I asked a one-off favour like this and it was refused. Yes it is out of their way, but if they actually were keen to see you then what is the problem? My friends and I often go out of our way to travel together so we can start the day together that bit sooner. I cannot imagine happily letting a friend miss out like this. I do wonder op if it is just a sign that the friendship has run its course? You mention that you really have not seen much of them since moving away.