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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with friends for not picking me up

280 replies

Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 10:48

I've lived on the outskirts of a big city for a few years not and not seen much if anything of my friends back home.

Two of them are driving down today to go to an event we're all interested in, it has been pre arranged for a few weeks that we'd go together and have a catch up. I was looking forward to seeing them.

Today arrives and I just haven't got the disposable money outside of my budget to justify the train fares into the city centre. I don't drive. It'll cost me around £20 all in. I'm on a tight budget as a single mum on maternity leave and every penny I have has to go on necessities. I just don't have that going spare without leaving me short for a bill that's due tomorrow.

I asked whether it would be ok if they picked me up on their way through, and i'd happily compensate them for the extra fuel next week. It wouldn't put them off course too much at all, an extra 20 minutes driving if that. I added that it was totally ok if they didn't want to and it wouldn't be a problem.

Instead of just saying no they made up an excuse that because of low emmisons charges they'd have to park up somewhere and ride the rest of the way(?) Meaning they can't pick me up, so now I'm not going

Aibu to be a bit upset?

Ive been generous to both of these people over the course of knowing them 10 plus years and never asked for any favours before. I know I shouldn't expect to depend on others and don't mean to sound like a whiney git but if the shoe was on the other foot i'd be happy to have obliged just for the sake of seeing what I thought was a good friend! Sad

OP posts:
Crankywitch · 07/05/2018 20:34

Being isolated on mat leave is very difficult and this thread may be the impetus to find some mum friends...but this post really doesn't make sense. When did there bill arrive?? Surely it was Friday? And so you had time to organise yourself. And how could your offer to pay them for the cost of getting to hyde park be much less than the £20 that is totally out of your budget? Why couldn't you pay the bill next week??

helsinkihelen · 07/05/2018 20:35

Please don't be upset that they didn't offer to pick you up. Driving in big cities is horrible. Its more than just stressful. You feel vulnerable and anxious and constantly feel like you're going to crash. As a driver it's a horrible feeling as normally driving is pleasurable.

However i would be upset if friends didn't offer to lend me money if I said that I couldn't go somewhere because I was skint. It's the first thing I would say and I can pretty much guarantee my friends would say to me. If I didn't have the money to lend I would say that I would lend it but I don't have it so that person would know I would if I could. Being mean spirited isn't a trait I find attractive in people. Perhaps whilst you are on ma at leave you should try and make some new friends.x

PicaK · 07/05/2018 20:46

Just to add another viewpoint.
We regularly do long journeys to visit family and have done for years. And we still find them knackering to drive.
If i were driving to a strange place and knowing the last bit was going to be the most difficult cos i'm not that familiar with it then i wouldn't want to add a detour onto the last bits of it either.
But i probably wouldn't want to hurt your feelings and say "no i don't want to" - especially if you'd told me it wasn't vital. So yes - i might have new plans suddenly. And i wouldn't want to come for coffee either with a long tiring drive ahead.
But it doesn't mean i'm not fond of you iyswim.

DailyMailClickbait · 07/05/2018 20:49

Bear I think the OP has been pretty reasonable considering that some posters have been quite harsh.

I've probably over reacted as I was looking forward to seeing them that's all. I wouldn't have voiced any of this to them by the way and I wasn't about to fall out with them over it

I can see why people think I was being unreasonable and I accept that now, like I said the thought did occur that's why I posted here.

I did come across as annoyed when I first posted but the truth is I'm just sad, and a bit lonely. Annoyance was only masking those feelings. I'm not mad at them and I see the points from those who have said what they said, even IronMan

She's taken feedback and constructive criticism on board throughout the thread, but certain posters seem determined to overlook this and continue to pile on - completely disregarding the fact that she's said she feels lonely and that this is probably clouded her reaction.

bearbehind · 07/05/2018 20:57

Yes daily, followed by multiple posts making it quite clear she'd have not treated friends the same etc.

It was the coming back after the thread had died off and calling people trolls which took the biscuit.

Plumsofwrath · 07/05/2018 21:03

Was it for the EDL/“freedom of speech” event?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/05/2018 21:16

I work in Central London OP. Fortunately I don't have to be in the office all the time but when I do, it's a nightmare.

If I were in your friends' position, my heart would have sank. Even a mile or two deviation in London adds so much time and stress. I would try to help you but I would be asking you to come to where the car is, not me come to you.

If I was doing Park & Ride though, I would have subbed you the money - but I would have expected you to let me know there was a problem and not left everything to the last minute.

I quite understand why they don't want to call in to see you on the way home, it's more time and much more travelling. As a non-driver, you won't appreciate that but it really, really is. London driving is a nightmare.

Make plans with your friends for another day, another location and another time to give you a bit of breathing room to save for it.

nannykatherine · 07/05/2018 21:20

i live in london
never heard of low emission charges
i drive in and out all the time
it is entirely possible to park for free on a weekend and bank hol if you read signs carefully ..,

bearbehind · 07/05/2018 21:26

Low Emission Charges

Admittedly it only applies to large vehicles but given someone who lives in London ‘has never heard of low emmision charges’ it’s not inconceivable that others don’t know which vehicles it applies to.

goingtotown · 07/05/2018 21:44

Forever. I’m on a tight budget as a single mum on maternity leave & every penny I have has to go on necessities

Apart from the travel arrangements, I’m assuming you would be having a coffee/drink a bite to eat while out with your friends. Who would be paying for this? Your strapped for cash at the moment so why make plans that you can’t afford.

FrankenToast · 07/05/2018 22:03

bear

I think it's probably just a 'different person, different situation' thing. I find it quite easy to be direct, especially in situations like this when told "It's okay if you say no" (I'm not refering to anything else that OP has written, quite frankly, I haven't read it. I'm just talking about in reference to her original post).

It's unfair to say "a real friend wouldn't put someone on the spot" when every friendship is different. I respect that that is your view, and that's cool, but just because you think that, doesn't mean that somebody is not a "real friend" for asking for a favor.

I am direct. Not in a dickish way, I have compassion and I'm understanding of things, but I don't tend to give excuses when it's a simple yes or no question. And the majority of my friends are the same, and neither myself nor they get offended when, for example, we get told "No, I can't pick you up." No offense is taken, it was just a mere question. But I do understand where some people might have trouble with either being put on the spot like that, or have trouble with then giving such a direct answer back in fear of coming across as being bitchy.

DailyMailClickbait · 07/05/2018 22:04

Agree with Franken.

GabsAlot · 07/05/2018 23:08

i stil dont understand the 20 quid bit-if u only live 20 mins outside central london theres no way it shoujld cost that or did u mean other bits aswell

Abbylee · 08/05/2018 01:19

I'm sorry OP. It's tough being a new mother and lonely and not having much money.

Ignore the meanies on here. All of us have experienced loneliness and most of us have been blotted by friends. I have. It hurts.Flowers

Teacher22 · 08/05/2018 05:59

Londoners do not seem to realise what a horrendous penalty has been placed on those who live outside their own capital city. I live eight miles from the capital’s border.

If I travel the 23 minute journey by train from my local station into Marylebone and use the car park (the only one available) it costs £37.
If I drive in the congestion charge is £11.50 and car parking £20-£30.

On a pension I cannot afford this and rarely visit London now even though it is on my doorstep when I used to travel into town all the time.

You might have been losing £20 in train fares but I guarantee your friends would have lost a lot more in driving to pick you up and perhaps they could not afford it either.

Lacucuracha · 08/05/2018 06:34

Why do you keep avoiding saying how and why it will cost you £20 on the train if you live within a 20 min drive of Hyde Park?

OP didn't say this, she said she was a 20 minute detour for her friends. That could be out of London.

OP, I can see why you are hurt. I have driven out of my way for friends in London and have had the same done for me. We wouldn't think twice about it.

I would take a step back from these friends. Stop lending them money.

Earthakitty · 08/05/2018 07:56

Can totally understand they don't want to park in the city.
You told them you wouldn't mind if they couldn't pick you up.....but you do mind very much clearly.
I can't see what your problem is.

ManOfKent · 08/05/2018 09:29

It's so easy to over think things, and easier still when it's not a face-to-face conversation.
I feel for you op, it's disappointing and upsetting, but if you're a real friend to them you should give them the benefit of the doubt and believe them and just accept that it wasn't to be on that day.

Too many commenters would see you ditch them and think only negative thoughts, but they must have goodness in them because you've been friends for a long time. Friends make mistakes, but it's not worth giving up on them for one instant of thoughtlessness (at the very most).

The Greek philosopher Socrates said “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

You know you are, but they may be too.

Chin up!

CheerfulSausage · 08/05/2018 09:42

I totally see both sides here.

You were really looking forward to it and to seeing them and having an adult day out. It is shit when things fall through at the last minute. You have helped them out in the past and it looks as though they can't be arsed to go a little extra for you when you ask.

I think, if you don't drive, it is difficult to see their point of view. As a driver I used to HATE driving into London (and I lived in London). I imagine they initially planned to drive in and then looked at parking, nightmare traffic and decided against. Driving in and out of London on Sundays is especially bad, journeys that would take 30 minutes can take over 2 hours. They would not have consulted you as they assumed they would meet you there.

Then when you ask for a lift, they may raise an eyebrow - you live just outside London and overall a much shorter journey for you than them, surely much easier for you to just get a train in than expect them to make a diversion etc. etc.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/05/2018 09:49

Ahhh... OP.
I'm sorry your friends are being so shit.
You've explained yourself over and over and if people on here can't be asked to read, at least your posts then they need to stop being so judgey without even reading what is happening! So ignore them1
I feel for you.
My friends would move heaven and earth if I asked them for something.
They would travel miles to see me.
THAT is what friends do for each other.
Your friends are shit!
It's all take and no give.
I think you need new friends.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/05/2018 09:53

I'm so glad you had a nice weekend.
Now stop with the guilt.
HE is guilt tripping YOU!
And you are falling for it.
Hook line and sinker.
This is YOU and YOUR life.
Please consider blocking him.
I know it's hard but it will be the best thing you do for yourself.
Phone that EA and get this sorted out today.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/05/2018 09:54

Opppsss... 2nd post is obviously the wrong thread!

Imustbemad00 · 08/05/2018 09:58

Just to clarify, the T-charge does apply to cars over a certain number of years old, on top of the congestion charge this totals around £25 per day. Although not on evenings and weekends.
Also there is plenty of free parking in London on evenings and weekends. Although not very close to Hyde park. But plenty in zone 1.
I’m shocked at the number of people who are so against driving in central London. Is that because people are anxious drivers?

SwingLow · 08/05/2018 09:59

I would have just lent you the £20 until your next payday. That's mean.

QuiteCleanBandit · 08/05/2018 10:08

Awful lot of assumptions about the friends being mean/nasty Confused
What if they are on a tight budget and dont have spare £20?
The OP hasnt seen them for 2 years so may not know what their current financial state is .
I agree with Man
Give them the benefit of the doubt and dont assume they dont care etc
It will just drag you down
Ps come and join us on the Frugaleers thread op if you want great tips and quite a bit of chat !
Look in Credit crunch