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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with friends for not picking me up

280 replies

Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 10:48

I've lived on the outskirts of a big city for a few years not and not seen much if anything of my friends back home.

Two of them are driving down today to go to an event we're all interested in, it has been pre arranged for a few weeks that we'd go together and have a catch up. I was looking forward to seeing them.

Today arrives and I just haven't got the disposable money outside of my budget to justify the train fares into the city centre. I don't drive. It'll cost me around £20 all in. I'm on a tight budget as a single mum on maternity leave and every penny I have has to go on necessities. I just don't have that going spare without leaving me short for a bill that's due tomorrow.

I asked whether it would be ok if they picked me up on their way through, and i'd happily compensate them for the extra fuel next week. It wouldn't put them off course too much at all, an extra 20 minutes driving if that. I added that it was totally ok if they didn't want to and it wouldn't be a problem.

Instead of just saying no they made up an excuse that because of low emmisons charges they'd have to park up somewhere and ride the rest of the way(?) Meaning they can't pick me up, so now I'm not going

Aibu to be a bit upset?

Ive been generous to both of these people over the course of knowing them 10 plus years and never asked for any favours before. I know I shouldn't expect to depend on others and don't mean to sound like a whiney git but if the shoe was on the other foot i'd be happy to have obliged just for the sake of seeing what I thought was a good friend! Sad

OP posts:
HagueBlue2018 · 06/05/2018 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Appuskidu · 06/05/2018 11:14

You have planned this weeks in advance but then

Today arrives and I just haven't got the disposable money outside of my budget to justify the train fares into the city centre.

That sounds like you have left things to the last possible minute and decide your solution would be for them to come and drive you there and home again! How much money were you planning to give them if you didn’t have £20 for a train ticket?

What’s the phrase-something along the lines of, ‘lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part’. Presumably they had already bothered to make their travel arrangements in advance?

The fact that you say you don’t drive so know nothing about parking or emissions or congestion charges but instead of accepting they might be telling the truth, assume they (your friends!) are just lying is bizarre.

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 11:15

If i knew they were thinking of getting tubes or cabs i definitely wouldn't have asked in the first place. I guess I assumed wrong and that's down to me. They said they were driving down that's all I was told.

I definitely didn't plan anything for what it's worth and didn't foresee me being short come the day. I wouldn't have needed to pay for anything whilst I'm out either as I was going to take a packed lunch regardless, like I do with most trips.

I actually had no idea it would be such an inconvenience. I'm not the sort to impose on somebody if I think it's going to cause them a pain in the arse.

I've invited them round for coffee after the event but they said they'll probably be tired and want to head home to avoid the worst of the traffic

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsOsmond · 06/05/2018 11:16

It sounds as if they had planned their journey to be car then park & ride and your late request would have entirely scuppered this, if they had diverted to collect you. I think earlier planning of your own journey was essential, including anticipating cost issues.

Cawfee · 06/05/2018 11:16

Their point of view is probably that you can’t be arsed to make the effort unless they are going out of their way to pick you up. You can easily get a train but won’t. You’re coming across as difficult and tricky. High maintenance friend. Now you aren’t going because they won’t fetch you? Not really on OP. Suck down your pride, get the train, go join them. It’s you who is missing out.

ittakes2 · 06/05/2018 11:17

I think you think you asked for a favour - but you also said don't worry if it can't be done. and now you are not going because they haven't offered to do you a favour. they might be feeling confused as to why you have said one thing but done another. they can't read your mind. next time be more upfront and say it would help me out if you could collect me. and then if they say no - its clearer where you stand.

WyfOfBathe · 06/05/2018 11:17

I would always drive to the outskirts of London and get the tube the rest of the way (or just get the train the whole way). I do the same for other big cities as well, having grown up in a large city where most people got public transport instead of trying to drive through the city centre and then pay an arm and a leg for hard-to-find parking.

I would be unlikely to agree to driving into central London for a friend, unless they were disabled and really couldn't get public transport.

Missingstreetlife · 06/05/2018 11:18

Ann Dixon, a woman in your own write, great book
You let them off the hook, ask directly next time. More planning too, either save the money to get there, or make travel plans early. No congestioncharge at weekend by the way
Sorry you are disappointed, they are not friends, best to know, sad

birdsdestiny · 06/05/2018 11:18

I don't take my car into my nearest city and I don't live in london. I have to drive into that city for work, enduring ridiculous traffic, awful one way system and expensive parking. I don't do it in my spare time. I park free nearby at the large retail centre and get the train in. I wouldn't do it for my friends I am afraid.

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 11:18

And I would have happily given them the cost of the extra fuel on Tuesday, I just don't have it right now. I've leant them (as a couple) money a few times in the past and thought nothing of it

In hindsight i should have planned more meticulously and not just assumed finances would permit it on the day, I take accountability for that now it's been pointed out

OP posts:
TemptressofWaikiki · 06/05/2018 11:21

Another non-driver who has no clue about the actual costs involved. Even on a Sunday, driving into central London is a pain as is parking. I have no sympathy for someone so entitled and presumptuous.

Rudgie47 · 06/05/2018 11:21

You know what to do OP when you are asked by one of these in the future for a favour.

Littleredboat · 06/05/2018 11:21

How can travelling from the outskirts of London to the centre cost £20? Even a 1-6 one day travelcard isn’t that much.... how far out exactly do you live?

NoSquirrels · 06/05/2018 11:22

Can't you go for the price of a return tube fare? Seems a shame to miss out. Where are you that it will cost £20?

Appuskidu · 06/05/2018 11:22

The numbers don’t quite add up. We live 40 miles from London and the train ticket is about £18 at peak times. How near are you?!

You sound a bit like you are having a strop and not going because they won’t pick you up at the last minute.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 06/05/2018 11:22

I don't blames them for not being eager, to collect you would be to drive 20 mins out of their way...meaning they would have to drive 20 mins back to get back on route...and then do that again when they drop you off home...that's alot of extra driving and fuel and you wasn't offering the money upfront for fuel, you offered to pay at a later time...you couldn't get in a taxi and get it to drive you somewhere and offer to pay later, so why should it be different for your friends, yes they have cars, but they have their own expenses and bills and a certain amount of their income will be allotted to fuel for their car and they may not have had the extra money for fuel to waste on collecting you...same as you didn't have money to take the train

IronMansIronButt · 06/05/2018 11:22

To be fair I'm clueless about parking costs, emmisons and whatever else as I don't drive. Of course there's a chance it may be genuine but with me not driving I wouldn't know about these things and admittedly I was sceptical

and instead of checking, you jumped straight to "my friends are horrible and mean, come join me in slagging them off"?

Also, you lied to them.

ADishBestEatenCold · 06/05/2018 11:22

"It is London yes. To be fair I'm clueless about parking costs, emissions and whatever else as I don't drive."

Just saw this ^ post.

You are being unreasonable, I'm afraid! It seems that they did not ever intend to drive all the way in, but intended to take public transport in (as did you).

They were probably thrown a bit by your last minute request, but it seems very likely that they told you the absolute truth about their travel plans ... to be met with the news that you weren't going then and (a rather PA sounding) "that's ok don't worry enjoy yourselves and have fun".

I do see that (as a non-driver with no knowledge of the costs and difficulties of driving in London) it is easy to misunderstand the situation, but ... I'm sorry ... I do think this one is down to you.

I'm sorry you are missing seeing your friends and I hope that you can get past this and that there will be other opportunities.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/05/2018 11:22

It's disappointing for you. As another poster pointed out, there are no charges on a Sunday? Confused

You say you've been generous and helped them out in the past and never asked favours before. They could have put a fiver in each and helped you scrape together the fare? "Watch it on live feed" is a pretty dismissive reply.

You say you're a new mum and have moved away from where they live and that I think is your answer. You've drifted apart, I'm guessing they don't have children and they aren't bothered about losing your friendship.

I sympathise. It's tough being a single mum on a tight budget and your life is no longer the same as your childless friends.
I hope you can do something lovely for yourself today and perhaps think about making friends with other mums in your area? Flowers

rookiemere · 06/05/2018 11:23

Sitting on the fence with this one.

I think you should have asked them well before the day if you needed them to give you a lift - particularly as it was out of their way. That way they could have factored it into their planning.

I can also see why they wouldn't want to stop at your house for a coffee - again necessitating a longer drive - after a long day at an event.

You need to be more direct in future OP and if you are reliant on others goodwill to get you places, you need to let them know in advance.

tabulahrasa · 06/05/2018 11:24

“To be fair I'm clueless about parking costs, emmisons and whatever else as I don't drive.”

Parking can be ludicrous and I’m nowhere near London - I can get a return ticket to either of my closest cities for £12.50

It cost me £18 to park for 2.5 hours in one of them a couple of weeks ago... so add in fuel costs and the hassle of actually driving in the city, it makes way more sense to use a park and ride.

YuleABUnREASTIEable · 06/05/2018 11:26

Can you not get a bus or train to a location on their driving route (or a minor detour rather that 40 minute round trip) for them to pick you up? Would be more local for you than day out I’m assuming so smaller travel costs.

CaptainCabinets · 06/05/2018 11:27

Driving in London is crap at the best of times, let alone on a busy BH weekend! Park and Ride is the best solution imo. I wouldn’t be impressed if my friend expected me to drive 40 mins out of my way (probably even longer with traffic) because they couldn’t organise their own transport. You live just outside London ffs, hardly a quaint little hamlet in the middle of nowhere. You have the Tube and a fantastic bus service at your disposal. Use it. Don’t blame your friends because you can’t organise your finances and means of getting around to a pre-planned event!

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 06/05/2018 11:29

Yabu op.
Why are you asking them now? And 20 minutes detour isn't really "on their way through"

ZX81user · 06/05/2018 11:29

I get so irritated by non-drivers asking me to ferry them about. Oh its only 20 minutes (40 minutes for me!) and also assuming fuel cost equate to the cost of running a car.

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