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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with friends for not picking me up

280 replies

Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 10:48

I've lived on the outskirts of a big city for a few years not and not seen much if anything of my friends back home.

Two of them are driving down today to go to an event we're all interested in, it has been pre arranged for a few weeks that we'd go together and have a catch up. I was looking forward to seeing them.

Today arrives and I just haven't got the disposable money outside of my budget to justify the train fares into the city centre. I don't drive. It'll cost me around £20 all in. I'm on a tight budget as a single mum on maternity leave and every penny I have has to go on necessities. I just don't have that going spare without leaving me short for a bill that's due tomorrow.

I asked whether it would be ok if they picked me up on their way through, and i'd happily compensate them for the extra fuel next week. It wouldn't put them off course too much at all, an extra 20 minutes driving if that. I added that it was totally ok if they didn't want to and it wouldn't be a problem.

Instead of just saying no they made up an excuse that because of low emmisons charges they'd have to park up somewhere and ride the rest of the way(?) Meaning they can't pick me up, so now I'm not going

Aibu to be a bit upset?

Ive been generous to both of these people over the course of knowing them 10 plus years and never asked for any favours before. I know I shouldn't expect to depend on others and don't mean to sound like a whiney git but if the shoe was on the other foot i'd be happy to have obliged just for the sake of seeing what I thought was a good friend! Sad

OP posts:
Jael003 · 06/05/2018 12:12

I live on the outskirts of London and never ever drive into London, that's what the trains and tube are for (or buses if you prefer). Where I live we're on a train line and not a tube line but it's zone 6 and costs more than a tube because of it being a train line. However if you have an Oyster card or use a debit card it's capped and wont cost £20, even if you do a dozen journeys.

Pressuredrip · 06/05/2018 12:13

I'd be annoyed with you if on the day you said you couldn't afford to get there without a lift. You said this has been planned for weeks, you should have been better organised. Maybe they think if you valued the friendship you should have set that money asside. Educate yourself on parking and emissions charges before moaning.

IronMansIronButt · 06/05/2018 12:14

You're provocative and needlessly harsh, please stop commenting on this post

That would be you, and no, I don't take kindly to being told what to do.

YOU are needlessly harsh and mean about your "friends". I am being nice and kind about them.

MiddleClassProblem · 06/05/2018 12:17

I think you’ve got yourself worked up. You did seem angry page 1.

You changed how you needed to get there last minute. They tookn20 minutes to reply, possibly seeing if it was doable.

People do drive to Hyde Park as it’s not in the charge zone and park. They may have privately decided to get the tube at a later point just chatting through their plans together, one doesn’t want to walk it etc.

You could have asked to borrow the money, you didn’t.

Be mad at you not them. It’s just an annoying thing to happen.

GnotherGnu · 06/05/2018 12:18

I suspect they said they were going to Hyde Park, not that they were driving there. You'd have to be insane or very rich to drive there voluntarily, as there is no guarantee you would be able to park and it may well cost a fortune.

pasturesgreen · 06/05/2018 12:18

I'm not going to end the friendship or anything equally as drastic

Tbh it doesn't sound as though there's much life left in this friendship either way. You haven't seen each other in years, neither you nor your friends are willing to make adjustments to try and give this outing a go, you immediately jumped to the conclusion that your friends were conniving and lying...Overall, it may be time to let this friendship go.

TheFirstMrsDV · 06/05/2018 12:18

No one drives to Hyde Park.
I am a life long Londoner. The days of driving to places like Hyde Park are long, long gone.
If they are not used to London traffic it would be pretty scary driving round that area whilst trying to find parking

When you say 'outskirts' where do you mean? Are you one the tube?

I am a nice sort of person but in your friend's situation I wouldn't have picked you up either. I would expect a healthy adult to get themselves to a venue like Hyde Park.
Particularly if she had agreed to go and only decided at the last moment she couldn't afford it.
It sounds like you were expecting a lift from the outset.

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 12:19

Ok point taken I've no desire to argue about it

I should have planned better but that wouldn't have changed anything in regards to having to pay for unexpected outgoings.

It's all my own fault and I'm not allowed to feel upset.

OP posts:
SmashedMug · 06/05/2018 12:20

I like the part where OP keeps replying while avoiding the whole "it wouldn't cost £20" thing.

maggiecate · 06/05/2018 12:22

Q Park at Hyde Park Corner is just outside the congestion charge but charges break down as follows:
1 HR£6
2 hrs £13
3 hrs £19.50
4 hrs £26
5 hrs £33
Over 5 hrs £40

It's possible that they've looked at the options: Hyde Park and walk Vs pay congestion charge and park closer Vs park outside and take public transport and the last one is considerably cheaper and more convenient

IronMansIronButt · 06/05/2018 12:23

It's all my own fault and I'm not allowed to feel upset

Of course you are allowed to feel upset, what you can't do is blame everyone else and be horrible about them because you messed up.

BTW, don't tell people things like this.... "I added that it was totally ok if they didn't want to and it wouldn't be a problem" when you are far from ok and it is so much a problem that you have to call them names online and complain about them to the world.

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 12:24

Ok noted

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 12:25

I haven't called them any names whatsoever.

OP posts:
IronMansIronButt · 06/05/2018 12:26

You've called them liars, I suppose thats not technically a name if you want to be pedantic about it.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 06/05/2018 12:27

If you cant afford to go OP, you can’t afford to go. We all miss things we cant afford sometimes, not fair trying to scapegoat your friends about your financial mis-management.

Aozora13 · 06/05/2018 12:28

It’s perfectly reasonable to be disappointed that you can’t attend an event you were looking forward to, but I don’t think you can blame your friends. From their point of view, you’d been planning this for a while then right at the last minute decide you can’t afford it and ask them to bail you out. How were you planning to get there originally? You must live pretty far outside London as a 1-6 travel card is £12 on a weekend, and I would assume if they’re not driving right in (which is fair enough as parking is a nightmare) then they will be paying something similar anyway to get in from where they do park, so not saving you much money but taking them 40 mins out of their way.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 06/05/2018 12:29

I would also guess that some time during the run-up they realised how expensive parking 20mins walk from Hyde Park would be then changed their minds, obviously they wouldn't have let you know because you weren't part of that plan. Then the delay in replying to you was them talking through the options.

Sorry you're not going OP. Try and enjoy the sunshine today anyway Smile

honeyishrunkthekids88 · 06/05/2018 12:30

I'm sorry @Foreverthinking I understand where your coming from, that was even nice of you to invite them for a coffee, I would just try forget about this because don't upset yourself anymore and when it comes to
Them needing a favour you do the same and make an excuse so they know how it feels I know that might sound childish but that's the best way to deal with people like this

Yes that could be true about the parking and riding but then why could they not just say why wait 20mins to reply

The weathers nice why don't u take your LO for a walk or even a picnic and try forget about this xx

PotTheRed · 06/05/2018 12:31

Is this for London? If so the low emission charge doesn’t apply to cars and the congestion charge only applies Monday to Friday.

If they are driving a van then the low emission ps charge may apply.

Are you sure that the extra driving is 20 mins? Is that in total or both ways? Traffic can be congested over bank holiday weekends. What’s usually a 20 min journey might be a lot more.

If they are parking somewhere outside the city and taking public transport to the venue then I can see how they might think it’s pointless to pick you up as you would still need to pay for public transport.

IronMansIronButt · 06/05/2018 12:32

Them needing a favour you do the same and make an excuse so they know how it feels I know that might sound childish but that's the best way to deal with people like this

Its not just childish, its nasty and rude too. And probably unfounded. You're a terrible friend.

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 12:34

I can see why people think I was being unreasonable and I accept that now, like I said the thought did occur that's why I posted here.

I guess I was just looking forward to seeing my friends, I don't really have any here other than work friends who I don't really socialise with outside of work and haven't seen since I began mat leave. I've been feeling a bit down in the dumps and invested a bit too much excitement into seeing them. I was hoping they could come by for coffee afterwards but they're not able to and that's fine.

I did come across as annoyed when I first posted but the truth is I'm just sad, and a bit lonely. Annoyance was only masking those feelings. I'm not mad at them and I see the points from those who have said what they said, even IronMan

OP posts:
Bummymum · 06/05/2018 12:34

You must have known at the very latest last night that you didn't have the money to go? Why on Earth wait until the day of to ask?

Bummymum · 06/05/2018 12:36

But I'm a bit like you op. If I feel a little sad or disappointed I quite often react with anger. It's shit because it only ever makes a bad situation worse all round.

Storminateapot · 06/05/2018 12:36

Why do you keep avoiding saying how and why it will cost you £20 on the train if you live within a 20 min drive of Hyde Park?

I suspect they either initially thought they might drive to HP then investigated it further and discovered it was an insane idea so changed the plan (no need to tell you since it didn't affect you) or they were going to park and ride as far as HP then walk the rest as it's a nice day and a pleasant walk.

I suspect the 20 min delay was taken up researching whether picking you up was doable whilst still not having to drive into the centre. Not in bitching about you and making nasty plans behind your back. Their travel plan sounds eminently reasonable and is what I would do. I didn't know congestion & emission charges were different, suspect they'll have just assumed emission charges in getting to HP would apply to them and nixed the idea. As I well might too.

Sorry you're having to miss out but I don't think they are being unfair here.

And you still haven't said why it will cost you £20 on the train. Do you even know that or was it a figure plucked out of the air for the purposes of the story?

FASH84 · 06/05/2018 12:37

We live outside London and often drive to zone six then train in, parking can be £50 plus a day in London , I can park on a residential street in zone six for free and all train , bus and tube fares for both of us all day is about £20

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