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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with friends for not picking me up

280 replies

Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 10:48

I've lived on the outskirts of a big city for a few years not and not seen much if anything of my friends back home.

Two of them are driving down today to go to an event we're all interested in, it has been pre arranged for a few weeks that we'd go together and have a catch up. I was looking forward to seeing them.

Today arrives and I just haven't got the disposable money outside of my budget to justify the train fares into the city centre. I don't drive. It'll cost me around £20 all in. I'm on a tight budget as a single mum on maternity leave and every penny I have has to go on necessities. I just don't have that going spare without leaving me short for a bill that's due tomorrow.

I asked whether it would be ok if they picked me up on their way through, and i'd happily compensate them for the extra fuel next week. It wouldn't put them off course too much at all, an extra 20 minutes driving if that. I added that it was totally ok if they didn't want to and it wouldn't be a problem.

Instead of just saying no they made up an excuse that because of low emmisons charges they'd have to park up somewhere and ride the rest of the way(?) Meaning they can't pick me up, so now I'm not going

Aibu to be a bit upset?

Ive been generous to both of these people over the course of knowing them 10 plus years and never asked for any favours before. I know I shouldn't expect to depend on others and don't mean to sound like a whiney git but if the shoe was on the other foot i'd be happy to have obliged just for the sake of seeing what I thought was a good friend! Sad

OP posts:
Dietsmakemeangry · 06/05/2018 12:38

TheFirstMrs, I do drive to Hyde Park on Sundays, there is lots of free parking available in the nearby area on Sundays an Bank Holidays. But I still would be pissed off if somebody asked me for a lift 20 min out of my way. It’s never “just 20 min” and it adds at least extra 40 min to my journey. And often involves a wait in the car whilst the person I am picking up applies last minute lipstick or makes an important phone call.

jay55 · 06/05/2018 12:38

If you pay on contactless it’s not going to go out your account before Tuesday. And you can get two busses for the price of one within an hour which can usually get people quite a long way for minimal costs.

Cindie943811A · 06/05/2018 12:41

OP I can quite understand why you are feeling hurt. Aside from any parking etc charges Is it likely your friend’s are not fully aware of your circumstances and have never been there? (After all most of us have complained about a lack of funds at some time or other without exactly having to join the queue to the soup kitchen)

TheFirstMrsDV · 06/05/2018 12:45

Diets we gave up doing that sort of thing about 10 years ago.
Its just not worth the hassle. Getting through London traffic and trying to find parking...nah.

not when I can get on the tube.

You are right about the added time. Negotiating traffic in London isn't fun. So that 40mins could turn into a hour plus very easily.

Sitting in a bottle neck on a hot bank holiday weekend is hell.

Appuskidu · 06/05/2018 12:46

Has OP clarified yet how she lives only 20 minutes from London but the train is going to cost £20?

FASH84 · 06/05/2018 12:48

We do sometimes drive in on a Sunday but park around embankment, and wouldn't do it on a sunny bank holiday. Zone 1-6 travel card without oyster is £12 I live in sunny Essex right out on the coast and it's an hour to fenchurch street or Liverpool Street from our nearest stations and costs £13.40 so I've no idea where 'on the outskirts of London' you live that costs £20 return

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/05/2018 12:48

I think you've had some harsh replies! You've just had a baby, you're a single parent, you've lost touch with a lot of friends and on mat leave.

Of course you're feeling a bit lonely and down and were excited about a trip out with old friends. I expect you grabbed the opportunity with both hands despite not being able to afford much.

Strangers on here have tried to find a solution for you or alternatives so it's a shame your friends didn't attempt to help you find a way to get there. A friend would try to find a way to help, be that offering solutions, lending money or suggestions an alternative outing another time to include Op.

The arrangements were all a bit of a balls up to be honest but I do think you lose some friends after having a baby because your lives are so different.

ittakes2 · 06/05/2018 12:49

OP - its understandable you feel upset as you were looking forward to seeing your friends. Its hard when you are a mum and have lots of jobs to do with your hands but also lots of time to think! I'm sure your friends were just not really understanding where you were coming from or what was/is going through your head. I think if anything, you have been approaching life as trying to be polite and hoping they will see through things. It is also the case that other people don't like to impose themselves - so if you have said you aright - they would not insist on something as they would want to respect your decision. You are still very young, and for me, this is not just about today for you. I hope you find a way to ask for help when you need it and be clear on what it is that you need. Tell your friends you are feeling lonely as a single mum and you miss them. They are your friends after all. And if they don't respond in the way you want them to - then its time to invest your time in making new ones. Please not not sit at home feeling sad and lonely and hoping something will happen. Work out what you want from life and go out and tell other people what it is you want. If you set yourself some goals such as spending more time with your friends or making new friends - and you start telling people these goals - you'll be surprised how much easier it will be to achieve them. good luck.

IronMansIronButt · 06/05/2018 12:51

I think you've had some harsh replies!

The only harshness was from OP and the other people who are so harsh on people they claim are friends. Its not ok to be horrible about people and then claim harshness when other people point out how mean you are being!

Aylarose · 06/05/2018 12:52

It's not unreasonable of you but possibly not unreasonable of them either as their reason might be legitimate. However if I was one of your friends I would most definitely pay for your 'park-and-ride' fare in order to enjoy the day though so maybe that's a bit unreasonable.

I think that I would be worrying that my friends didn't like me as much as they like each other/as much as I liked them in your situation; which I imagine might be why you feel so hurt BUT they could just be really tight/broke themselves/annoyed that you changed your travel arrangements etc.

gassylady · 06/05/2018 12:56

Have you already had to pay for childcare (single mum on maternity) if so surely you could scrape together enough for tube or bus and arrange to meet you mates at event

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2018 13:01

Seeing as they’ve lent you money in the past, you really should have asked them to lend you now. I can well imagine they were sitting there huffing and puffing about you when you said you wouldn’t go if they didn’t pick you up. I also read the 20 mins radio silence before saying no as them looking at maps and timings, not conspiring against you. Why would they when you’ve been pinging messages backwards and forwards about meeting up?

YuleABUnREASTIEable · 06/05/2018 13:07

Is your place near the public transport route they’ll be taking back to their car? You could invite them over to you after th event to see then given they have come down to your neck of the woods to see them?

StealthPolarBear · 06/05/2018 13:08

"
Parking can be ludicrous and I’m nowhere near London - I can get a return ticket to either of my closest cities for £12.50

It cost me £18 to park for 2.5 hours in one of them a couple of weeks ago... so add in fuel costs and the hassle of actually driving in the city, it makes way more sense to use a park and ride."
If there's one of you. Not for three.

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 13:10

Sorry they haven't leant me money in the past it is me who has leant them, before I came onto maternity leave was the last occasion so not that long ago at all. I know that's not entirely relevant so I'm not suggesting they should pick me up just because I've helped them out before, only that sometimes in friendships it's about give and take and when certain situations arrise I always ask myself what I would do in the other persons position. I think in this scenario I would have tried more to help given how the other person (me) has been a good friend in the past, but that's just me.

It would cost me just over £17 to get to central London, not twenty quid on the dot, but the difference is so minimal and the remaining £3 isn't going to do much by way of paying my bill and obviously I have to prioritise those so can't do that. I wouldn't be paying on a debit card as mine isn't contactless.

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 06/05/2018 13:12

It would cost me just over £17 to get to central London, not twenty quid on the dot,

Where do you live????

Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 13:14

They don't want to come over afterwards Yule they said they'll be too tired and want to head on home.

Where I live isn't too far out of the way on their route back so it wouldn't take them that far out of their way if they did but I'm not going to try and persuade them if they're tired they're tired

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverthinking · 06/05/2018 13:15

I dont want to say exactly because i have another thread on here which combined is quite outing

OP posts:
Pyjaaaaamas · 06/05/2018 13:16

I agree OP they sound like miserable uncaring "friends". Not just from their reluctance to help but also their indifference to you being unable to come

JaiPo · 06/05/2018 13:20

This is why people dislike non-drivers. I'm a non-driver but I'd have just made my way in to the city, made my way to wherever people were meeting.

I think poverty sounds like the real issue. If you haven't got 20 quid to meet up with old friends that is rough Sad

MissCharleyP · 06/05/2018 13:21

The only line I can find that would cost that is from Ebbsfleet on HS1, a return to St Pancras is £17.80 (but you can walk to Dartford which is cheaper) Bishops Stortford is £16.30, Hertford is £8.90 and Cambridge £17.20. My friend met me in London yesterday, travelled from Sandy and her travelcard was just short of £20, without travelcard it’s £14.20.

MiddleClassProblem · 06/05/2018 13:25

MissCharleyP Grin 🧐

Appuskidu · 06/05/2018 13:29

I dont want to say exactly

Roughly then?

gamerchick · 06/05/2018 13:31

The problem isn’t asking for a life OP it’s the fact you asked at the last minute when the journey has been planned and expected that to change like it’s no problem.

They’ve also said they don’t want to hit traffic on the way back as well as being tired. I think as a none driver you’re just not getting it. Have you any idea what BH traffic is like... especially if it’s a warm day?

You were asking too much but you know what to say in future if they need money and please learn to ask for lifts well in advance.

seventh · 06/05/2018 13:31

To be fair I'm clueless about parking costs, emmisons and whatever else as I don't drive.

But you're prepared to judge your friends harshly for their 'excuse' which sounds to me like a reason, not an excuse. Despite the fact that you are clueless about the subject?

And a 20 minute (40 minutes both ways?) drive out of their way is a LOT, imo.