to wonder why adults let their children speak to them like this?

[dayinlifeof]

We were out earlier and saw some twins (probably 7/8), they'd just been bought some lovely things from a nearby stall at a fair and were queuing for candy floss. One demanded the candy floss, other shouted that they didn't want candy floss. Then the one with the candy floss shoved the things they had been bought at the adult with them and shouted 'take this or else' - none of the adults even batted an eyelid and just accepted it.

I was surprised that the parents didn't react at all to it, not even looking annoyed or irritated.

joystir59 Sun 06-May-18 13:00:44
"Worst thing I ever said to either of my parents was something like "This is so shitty" when I was 16 and he wouldn't let me go out instead of revising."

So? I would never have dared to say that to mine. The worst I ever said in me teens was "oh my god" and I got a MASSIVE lecture from my father.

I still understood how horrible those women were who ran after us and called out to my father to beat my brother for something he couldn't help.

Because even at a young age I had a very good idea that people are different, that my db had been through things I hadn't, and that different approaches were required.

Thank you for the kind words, @Sparklyshoes16 DH and I do our best, that's all any of us can do.

At least now the school are more aware @Lizzie48 and hopefully have a good pastoral team to support you as well as your DD.

That was 2 years ago and no, they don't. We get DLA for her and we're still waiting for therapy through Post Adoption Support. She's not far enough behind to qualify for an ECHP and her behaviour is very good at school. She struggles socially, unlike her very popular little sister.

Basically, it's hard to get help.

Sparkly, you used your DHs actions as 'proof' that a firm approach stopped the boy in his tracks and that such intervention was necessary seeing as the mother wasn't handling it in your view. You go on to say that you were proud of him because 'all children are capable of showing manners and respect'. Within the context of you explaining how your DH approaches the situation, can you not see how there is an insinuation there that 'he' knew how to deal with it and the mother didn't?

You then go on to say you have ten years worth of expertise in this area, yet state you were not aware that there are some children who cannot process such instruction and social norms. Now you are backtracking and being the sympathetic SEN supporter. But you are still 'proud' that your husband acted like that? You also stated (I think, cba to trawl back through the posts) that the reason he got mad was because the trolley went into HIM, not as an observer of such dreadful behaviour, so it sounds to me like he had an instinctive reaction because HE was getting hurt, that just happened to quieten the boy down

Haven’t read everything. With catch up later. Going out to lunch didn’t happen, ds couldn’t cope with it. So bbq, which involves dh and I in the garden, eating bbq and ds upstairs with me cooking bacon and chips!

Sparkly my wheelchair analogy meant a child running their wheelchair into your dh. The purpose of which was if you can see a disability, would it be easier to understand?

@Lizzie48 ah not good! Does the council not have a specific team who help parents in schools bridge pastoral and school links like mine does? It's under MAST here and they are really good I can appreciate it's not like that everywhere though!

@Kettlepotblack of course my husband was annoyed that a trolley had gone into his back!! Who wouldn't be?? I was annoyed too!! Child swore after the third no, kicked at first shouted some more shoved trolley then carried on kicking his mum, DH turned round as trolley shoved into back and the boy kicked the Mum whilst she was apologising to DH and then preceded to kick the Mum again again I haven't back tracked on anything!! Reading more on here about peoples experiences I am allowed to change/accept opinions!! I have 10 years of Teaching mainstream secondary in a school that had two children (officially diagnosed) that I didn't teach as they weren't in my sets anyone I suspected may be SEN was referred to a specialist team in that area! Within those 10 years I've taught 1 year at through school and 2 years in an NHS school hospital setting! 1 year in a PRU again no ASD but where I have seen many children with ASD wrongly put! I've not taught many SEN children with extreme behaviour as I don't specialise in that area and when I have taught SEN children I have had specialists in these settings to fully support those children and help me when I was teaching full classes usually lower set!! I know quite a few Teachers who have similarly gone through their teaching careers that have not taught children with High SEN or in my case taught children with the mind of an 18month old who is physically older! I am not a 'sympathiser' I feel for any parent who has behaviour issues with their child whether their SEN or not and having a tough time!

I'm at my BBQ now and asked a few friends who have children with ADHD and low SEN as no one is here with a child with ASD some have said they would have intervened some have said they wouldn't...my DH chose to intervene.

@Shedmicehugh1 possibly might be easier to understand if you could see the disability I'm not sure! Some people's minds work like that some don't...As we left the car park there was someone getting out of his car with a cane etc didn't really think anything of it! Then someone pulled up in the disabled space next to him got out and walked out with no issues I instantly thought he's not disabled but then within seconds thought he might have a hidden disability...it was just a thought that ran through my mind again I am people wanderer!

I'm also a secondary teacher. I've not taught children with severe learning difficulties either. But that doesn't mean I don't think they exist....

Can I ask what subject you teach please?

What I'm trying to say is it is you making out your husband is a hero, not anyone else, when actually he was just pissed off that he got hurt in the back and lashed out - feeling fully justified because in your opinions the child was not getting the discipline he needed, even after he knew he had ADHD, and that all it took was to be shouted at and he had 'shown them how it's done!' You're also making out he did it for the mum, but he didn't he did it for himself. What also irked me was the assumption that 'He' - who hasn't had the experience of raising a child - knew better than the mother how to handle it.

OP 'I was surprised that the parents didn't react at all to it, not even looking annoyed or irritated.'

With all the parent shaming out there you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Really, there is absolutely no way of dealing with or responding to you're child's behavior in public without someone judging you as being some kind of sub par parent. For all you know they may have chosen to deal with this behavior later at home away from the public eye. And these days, who could blame them.

Sorry not saying what I teach as it's outing (not many of us around in my subject) and I don't teach anymore I'm now about to go self-employed and my DH did not 'lash' out it was a combination of it all...he doesn't class himself as a hero at all and neither do I he someone getting hurt, he got hurt he then sees someone continuing to get hurt!!

Can I just ask if it was an adult with ADHD that was doing the same to their partner and they looked in pain would you not try not stop it? Or leave that person to keep kicking them?

My DH has decided he will just walk away next time and let a child or adult keep kicking their parent/partner. Damned if you damned if you don't!

Off to enjoy the rest of what sunshine is left!

Oh, very mysterious. Must be a very specialist subject...!

So the options are to ignore or shout?!

It was the shouting that was the issue, and the not necessarily the intervention in itself. A calm, kind, understanding non judgemental stranger is a whole different thing, if appropriate.

Sparkly I agree with kettles posts. The purpose is to try and make you think, not an insult btw.

In that situation it no doubt hurt your dh, a more appropriate response might have been ‘bloody ouch that hurt’! Is there anything I can do to help?

My son’s school actually have badges with ‘nt’ can wear. Basically saying I’m aware your child could be having a meltdown, I won’t judge, but I would like to help.

@Shedmicehugh1 I have two friends whose Primaries have just started trialling something similar at friend 1s school she thinks its great! Friend 2 isn't so sure some of the kids have been teasing a child for wearing the badge. Time will tell whether it works.

The badges are not for children with disabilities to wear. But for ‘nt’ or not ‘nt’ adults to wear, so they can approach a mum trying to deal with a melt down

asend.co.uk/ctmr/

I think they were made following this. A stranger stepping in to try and calm a child with ASD

So Sparkly - all this time you have friends who have children with asd whom you have discussed at length their schools strategies on intervening when a child is having a meltdown, you know a great deal about how schools deal with possible intervention from your ten years secondary teaching experiments, youve even worked in a PRU - yet you stood silently feeling proud when your DH possibly scared the hell out of a struggling child and his mother.

Anyhow I spent the afternoon in the garden. Neighbours opposite are having a bbq, with young children themselves and with guests.

All Ive heard for hours is a particular child’s name being shouted, every 2 minutes. PAUL, PAUL (not child’s name) followed by no other instructions! Other than ‘YOU WILL GO IN’

I’m sitting here thinking how annoying I would find having my name shouted every 2 mins, followed by nothing! What’s the problem? What am I doing? What do you want to me do!

Did I just enter judgey world?

@Shedmicehugh1 ah right I see...the link won't open as I'm not on WiFi at the no but will read it late

@Kettlepotblack we don't have friends with children with ASD as far as I know some with Low SEN ie Spld and MLD which as far as I'm aware is not ASD! Like I said I have not had much involvement!!!! And you like you said you haven't either so I am confused by your comment!

Hope all of you enjoy the lovely summer evening...

Sparkly what is low SEN?

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amp/entry/stranger-help-parent-child-autism-train_uk_59d73eb1e4b072637c433600/

Here sparkly

@Shedmicehugh1

Sorry low, moderate and high SEN were terms used in my last post before I left...low was classed as students with spelling and grammar but no social difficulties, moderate was the same but with certain social difficulties...High was ASD+other with social difficulties...that's in its basic very basic form!

@Shedmicehugh1 just opened the link...cmtr sounds very interesting! Will read the rest when my crap phone decides to download the rest!

Kettle please don’t give up! I sit and often ponder my immortality and what will become of my son. I’m lucky, I can encourage my sons self advocacy. Many cannot. Your voice is important to challenge views

Sparkly that is rubbish, sorry, it’s disheartening to think that is what teachers are being taught. My son is regarded as ‘high functioning’, although some days he doesn’t do much ‘functioning’ at all.

It’s depressing that needs and a spectrum is classed on a ‘intelligence’ level