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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why adults let their children speak to them like this?

230 replies

dayinlifeof · 05/05/2018 19:42

We were out earlier and saw some twins (probably 7/8), they'd just been bought some lovely things from a nearby stall at a fair and were queuing for candy floss. One demanded the candy floss, other shouted that they didn't want candy floss. Then the one with the candy floss shoved the things they had been bought at the adult with them and shouted 'take this or else' - none of the adults even batted an eyelid and just accepted it.

I was surprised that the parents didn't react at all to it, not even looking annoyed or irritated.

OP posts:

Sleepyblueocean · 05/05/2018 22:24

'Manners' simply don't feature in the parenting we have to do.

Shedmicehugh1 · 05/05/2018 22:28

I think the ‘us’ and ‘them’ isn’t very helpful to any discussion.

I post on these types of threads to try raise awareness of disabilities. My son has to live in this world.

soapboxqueen · 05/05/2018 22:29

Today I've been scratched, hit, slapped, pushed, kicked and stamped on by my ds. He told me he wanted me dead, that I should stay away from him or I'd get what is coming to me (though he was the one coming to me).

He is 8 and has asd. He was tired and hot. He spent the rest of the time in bits and crying because he couldn't cope with today. Luckily we were at home.

The things he says are scripted from cartoons and children's TV shows.

He can't help it. If I am out, I have to pick my battles and often let things slide because the other option is escalation and meltdown.

Having a child or even a child with SEN doesn't mean you know what it is like to have a child with this kind of need.

hairymonkey · 05/05/2018 22:34

I try my very best to install in all my children manners and kindness. I also try to guide my child with ASC through a world that is not comfortable and often painful for him. He may swear, scream and act like a 'brat' in a public situation,bit he'd have more insight and reflection on the situation than many of the harrumphing bellends on this thread

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 05/05/2018 22:35

I would ignore WaxOnFeckOff . Some people are quite inflexible in their thinking and don't like to think that there are situations that they're inqualifified to judge.

Shedmicehugh1 · 05/05/2018 22:37

I have to say before I had a child with disabilities and parented one, I didn’t have a clue.

hairymonkey · 05/05/2018 22:39

Honestly, the 'if he were my child' bollocks is astounding. My glorious boy hasn't slept through in 10 years, he never stops, and now he has hormone surges prepping for puberty, he stims a lot and has regular melt downs. I would really love some Sen parenting advice from the 'professionals' on this thread.

corythatwas · 05/05/2018 22:41

"There is also no reason why any child whether NT or otherwise should be reminded of proper manners, they may take longer to get there but that's no reason not to try"

See, my db would have been absolutely fine being gently reminded about manners on 29 days out of 30. In fact, he very rarely needed reminded about manners because he was beautifully behaved.

On the 30th day not only would it have had absolutely no effect, but it would have been the trigger for him to launch into a screaming, kicking, biting meltdown where he was completely unaware of the people around him.

My DM was very skilled in recognising the 30th day.

She had 4 children. And treated them differently because they needed different treatment. We have none of us grown up without manners.

WaxOnFeckOff · 05/05/2018 22:41

I would ignore WaxOnFeckOff . Some people are quite inflexible in their thinking and don't like to think that there are situations that they're inqualifified to judge.

And yet you feel you are qualified to judge me? Are you making your comments to the OP? No, didn't think so...

I'm going to leave this thread now

Wallywobbles · 05/05/2018 22:41

Those who wouldn’t ignore, what would you do, especially if you were on your own in a busy environment and one child was behaving well but the other badly?

My kids are v close in age and have no SN so I never ever let it go unremarked. When they were younger i could find a "corner" anywhere, supermarket, toy shop anywhere. It was just for a minute or so. Or we left if it was a fun thing. We ate out in suitable restaurants but generally left before dessert or got an ice-cream to go. I'm afraid in a family, punishment tend to be group punishments and they tend to be more effective for that very fact.

But that was my kids. DH is v proactive so he gets in there as soon as there is a hint of a deviation from good behavior.

If there are 2 parents and one can stay at home with the "punished" kid missing out that's generally something that only need happen once. But the punishment needs to be boring not cake and ice cream at home.

flamingnoravera · 05/05/2018 22:49

I'm a foster carer to children who have difficulties managing their behaviour for all kinds of reasons (eg abandonment, abuse, FAS...).
You would not know from looking at us out and about that I'm a carer and the child with me is on a respite weekend or has only just come to me or has just had contact with the person who has hurt them or any number of things that could trigger difficult behaviour. It is so easy to judge, I know I've done it myself before I became a carer (I brought up my own kids and they were easy and thought at first that I would sail along with a quiet word or a hard stare.) I have learned the hard way That all children are different, their backgrounds can have so much pain in them or loads of love and some have both.
All I am saying here is, you don't know, you really don't know until you've walked a mile in the shoes of a parent or carer of that child.

KriticalSoul · 05/05/2018 22:50

"See, my db would have been absolutely fine being gently reminded about manners on 29 days out of 30. In fact, he very rarely needed reminded about manners because he was beautifully behaved.

My DM was very skilled in recognising the 30th day. "

That's what I meant in my first post about knowing your child and picking your battles/knowing which hill to die on that day.

some days a sharp 'er, excuse me?' to DS when he's rude is enough to pull him up, or a gentle 'manners please DS'.

Other days I let it slide because those are the days that as long as he's doing what I need him to (Need, not want) then its a good day, and that simple 'manners please' can be the trigger of screaming, abuse, violence and potentially running away.. so I choose, in that moment, not to say anything.

He KNOWS how to behave, he KNOWS not to speak to me/anyone else like shit, however, sometimes he isn't CAPABLE.

And if anyone think parenting any kind of disability is in any way, shape or form 'lazy' then I hope they never have to spend a day in our shoes because I think they'll find they're mentally and emotionally exhausted after only a few hours.. imagine doing it every fucking day and night where every action you make has to be thought out carefully for its consequences.

Shedmicehugh1 · 05/05/2018 23:03

Some days my son cannot even leave the house. He gets exhausted from the having to ‘act normal’ and ‘remember his manners’.

Manners isn’t something I push, society does.

Cocktailismyfavouritefilm · 05/05/2018 23:13

It's a snap shot. Also have you never heard of ignore the bad behaviour, praise the good? I know it's generally used for toddlers but it is sometimes appropriate for older children too. Especially if you know they're tired or there is something else going on in their lives.

Yes it could be shit behaviour. Yes it could be shit parenting. But as you don't know them and can't make a difference what is the point of being annoyed by it?

user1471456357 · 05/05/2018 23:20

I can’t believe in this day and age, such ignorance still exists, it’s really depressing.
And the smugness of some is irritating. I remember my grandmother telling me how nasty one particular neighbour was to my uncle who had Down syndrome, the neighbours went on to have a severely disabled child, who was much less able than my uncle, I always wondered if he , the neighbour, remembered what he had said about my uncles behaviour when his Child wasn’t what they expected her to be.

Shedmicehugh1 · 05/05/2018 23:29

I’m wondering if anyone will have a ‘enlightened’ moment. It’s so frustrating, after many have taken the time to respond, explain and even get quite offended or upset. No one ever comes backs and acknowledges their opinions will change.

All you seem to get is, but I’m talking about your child, like they have a built in disabilities radar! When in fact you very well could be, as many of our children have the same difficulties described.

bialystockandbloom · 05/05/2018 23:45

I should really type out a long calm clear explanation of what is just so stupid and judgemental and unthinking about this op and some of the responses but just cba so will just say fuck off, tbh.

(((coffee))) ikwym

MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 05/05/2018 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hazeyjane · 06/05/2018 00:02

.....and there we go.

Bravo.

WomanEqualsAdultHumanFemale · 06/05/2018 00:05

Children like that makes me wish giving them a wallop was allowed!

Have you spoken to anyone about your desires to abuse children?

RosemaryHoight · 06/05/2018 00:27

You want to wallop other people's children?

I've exposed my dc to beautiful manners, including not upbraiding them for lapses in public.

They have all had their moments but have their hearts in the right place.

I don't think walloping children builds up any respect or desire to be polite.

corythatwas · 06/05/2018 00:29

"Children like that makes me wish giving them a wallop was allowed! If I ever spoke to my mother like that, I'd know about it! Children are not disciplined anymore and it doesn't surprise me that they've all turned out to be spoilt little brats."

all of them? or just yours?

Shedmicehugh1 · 06/05/2018 00:36

Seems like the ‘enlightened’ moment is a definite no then!

Gianna123 · 06/05/2018 00:51

Additional needs or not, you don't do your child any favours teaching them that there are no consequences to speaking to somebody disrespectfully.

corythatwas · 06/05/2018 01:00

Gianna, you still don't get it.

With some SN and with some MH issues there will be times when the child is not teachable because they are in a state where they can't understand what you are saying. My db was like this when having, or working up to, one of his turns. Completely out of himself. He wouldn't have cared about consequences, he once kicked through a wooden door with his bare feet.

The same may well be the case for an autistic child. You teach when you can and in a way that your particular child can understand.

Teaching during a meltdown or when one is just about to happen is like standing at the bottom of the garden and whispering instructions while your child is asleep in bed: it may make you feel better but it is hardly going to make any difference to the child.

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