to wonder why adults let their children speak to them like this?

[dayinlifeof]

We were out earlier and saw some twins (probably 7/8), they'd just been bought some lovely things from a nearby stall at a fair and were queuing for candy floss. One demanded the candy floss, other shouted that they didn't want candy floss. Then the one with the candy floss shoved the things they had been bought at the adult with them and shouted 'take this or else' - none of the adults even batted an eyelid and just accepted it.

I was surprised that the parents didn't react at all to it, not even looking annoyed or irritated.

shed I hope you and your son have a lovely, uneventful, meal. Bacon is the best food!

Agree - she'd have a lovely day. Your son writes beautifully by the way.

@Shedmicehugh1 I hope you enjoy you're pub lunch...I am honestly not being nasty and your son sounds amazing with what he wrote! I can honestly say if I saw your son with headphones on etc at the table...my first thought would be I wonder why (I am a people wanderer) but then think if that's what it takes to get through lunch then good on them which I thought the other day when I saw something similar with a family and their little girl who had earmuff and mitt type things on.

@Spikeyball and @WomanEqualsAdultHumanFemale the next time someone is kicking someone and shoving trolleys into someone I'll just say to DH no don't do/say anything we need to be "ignorant".

Sorry not @Spikeyball I meant @Kettlepotblack!

Worst thing I ever said to either of my parents was something like "This is so shitty" when I was 16 and he wouldn't let me go out instead of revising.

Kettle no one would dare shout at my son! Over the years I have mastered if you even think about it I will poke out your judgey eyes with a fork stare

we need to be "ignorant".

No you already are ignorant.

Sparkly - beaming with pride while your husband shouts at a child with SEN makes you 'informed' then does it?

Sparklyshoes16 a child that will spend their entire life functioning at baby or young toddler level will never develop a concept of manners.
My own child functions at 18 months ( given his age that won't change much now) and with severe autism on top of that. We work endlessly to make his behaviour as 'unchallenging' as possible ( that was what I was describing) but actual manners will always be beyond him.

@Kettlepotblack ...Yes I was 'beaming' up and down with pride whilst DH was 'shouting' at a child!! I was egging it on and saying go on DH give him some more why don't you!!! I was getting the rest of the shoppers with their pitchforks to join in!! I was so proud of him I'm going to get his picture put in the papers and have him put on the Queens medal honours list! 🎖

@Spikeyball thank you I never knew that (and there is no sarcasm/nastiness at all meant in that!!)...I haven't worked with many ASD kids only a few that were on the lower end of the spectrum, my experience is mainly mainstream Secondary and FE with few students with ASD at FE.

My only thing about this was my DH saw a child kicking it's parent then have a trolley shoved in his back then child carry on kicking its parent! He reacted not because of the ADHD because he believed it was wrong for a child to kick its parent, shove a trolly and swear at its parent. Just like OP being shocked at the way the parents of the twins talking to it's parent.

You only saw one snapshot of their life. You just don't know what's going on in their family. My DD1 has violent meltdowns because she has SPD and Attachment Disorder, which is often the case with adopted children. On one occasion, she stepped on my foot hard several times in public, leaving my foot bruised. In that situation, believe me, the only way to handle it is to stay calm and not allow it to escalate further.

I’m wondering if the child was in a wheelchair and rammed into your DH and mum apologised if your dh would have reacted in the same way?

Whether other posters would be congratulating his actions too?

These were your words, Sparkly, not mine:

I'm proud of the fact that my DH didn't let it continue! If the message the child is getting is it's ok to kick people and shove trolleys and the Mother apologise at every turn that's not on!

On the occasions that my child bites, punches and kicks me I've been glad that other people have stayed out of it. Their interference would have made matters worse.

I haven't read the full thread and I'm responding to the OP...

There was a thread a while ago where the teenager said, 'shut-up' to their parent (or step-parent) because they were poorly and so many voices on mumsnet thought that was an okay teenage way to behave. I couldn't believe what I was reading. NO ONE in my family, including the extended family could ever say 'shut-up' to their adult or family member - even when they have been ill or upset. That kind of behaviour starts from when children are allowed from a very young age to speak to their parents disrespectfully, like they are their peers or juniors.

It is something I won't accept and my children should never dream of behaving like that. It's just not allowed.

I'll go read the thread now, just in case (I doubt) someone else has agreed

Yes I am 'proud' not as in 'beaming' as you put it!! I'm proud because something that was obviously hurting her was put a stop to! The child wanted sweets he was told he couldn't have them queue a tantrum of kicking Mum and shoving a trolley!

@Shedmicehugh1 if the child did the same to my DH and was in a wheelchair and the child did it himself ie shoved the trolley into DH back whilst being in a wheelchair what would be the difference? It was the more the fact the child was kicking his mum was the issue DH had over sweets he couldn't have!

I agree with PP saying that the best way to react to rudeness from children is with as little interest and emotional response as possible.

Obviously that does not apply to older children but any primary aged or below children.
Often hard to do but it really is the most effective thing with most children. They are testing things out to see the reaction. If there is no reaction at all then they are less likely to do it again.
And by no reaction I mean complete ignoring. Obviously do not respond or be friendly when a child has been rude to you.. just act as tho they did not say anything until they actually say something polite.

That is what I find best anyway...
However if my child was being rude to someone else or another child I would then respond to tell them to stop it and explain why it was rude.

In the situation the OP describes I would not have taken the childs stuff to hold because that to me counts as responding.

Sparklyshoes16 I'm wondering whether it would have helped if your DH had shouted at my DD that day. It would have been embarrassing, but I would have appreciated the fact that he cared enough to get involved and didn't just come on here to complain about what a weak parent I was for allowing my DD to seemingly get away with stamping on my foot. (That was because I hadn't given in to her btw, and I still didn't despite her behaviour.)

If a child is hitting their parent because they are distressed then interfering, particularly shouting interfering, may well escalate the distressed behaviour.

My DS is adopted. He can be rude, aggressive and lack respect to adults.
His birth parents broke his bones and stubbed their fags out on him (amongst many other vile things.)
He doesn’t respect adults and why the hell should he given what adults have done to him.
We are working towards good manners, respect and kindness but it’s going to take years and who knows he might never get there but it won’t be for lack of effort on my part.
We don’t parent in a traditional way because it would do more harm than good to an abused child so you might see him swear at me and wonder why I put up to it.
The answer is I don’t. It will always be addressed but when the time is right, when we are both calm. Connection before correction always.
So judge away at people like me if you want but you know nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I don’t judge random people on the street because I don’t know their circumstances, but sometimes I can’t help it and secretly judge DC’s classmates/friends kids. I think we have to accept that there are too many parents that are too soft and let their kids run the show. There is no reason for a NT child to practice basic manners and be respectful of adults. And most manage brilliantly without too much effort.

Not to practice*

@Lizzie48 not weak parenting at all!! We certainly don't think anyone is a weak parent!

I have enough Neice's, nephews and younger cousins to see, hear parenting is not weak...it's bloody hard with or without SEN...he may well have done depends on the circumstances...he wasn't trying to be a 'hero' or any crap like that he just saw a child kicking it's parent, she looked in pain, he knew he couldn't 'restrain' the child like they do in some Primary schools so used his voice and luckily the child stopped don't know what would have happened if he didn't stop.

I once did have someone intervening. It was a TA from my DDs' school. She spoke firmly to DD1, didn't shout but DD1 listened because she really liked the TA. I was very embarrassed because I was actually handling it, but it did mean that the school became more aware of her issues.

I would have appreciated the attempt to help, although I would be extremely embarrassed. I also really don't want her to be judged for her behaviour.