to wonder why adults let their children speak to them like this?

[dayinlifeof]

We were out earlier and saw some twins (probably 7/8), they'd just been bought some lovely things from a nearby stall at a fair and were queuing for candy floss. One demanded the candy floss, other shouted that they didn't want candy floss. Then the one with the candy floss shoved the things they had been bought at the adult with them and shouted 'take this or else' - none of the adults even batted an eyelid and just accepted it.

I was surprised that the parents didn't react at all to it, not even looking annoyed or irritated.

Depends on the child. I’d be mortified and tell mine to do one ASAP. I have friends with difficult kids though, not to due to any bodies fault, just some humans are difficult, especially when they’re kids and the best thing to do is not react from what I’ve been told. Lots of SN kids in groups we attend too - and again, plenty speak like this, plenty don’t - doesn’t mean the parents are enabling or allowing it, doesn’t mean the kids are bastards either

"The words used in the OP were "take this or else". It's the "or else" that's the key here for me. To me that's not a child presenting with anxiety, or having a tough time with overload in the environment needing a calm "out"

saying unpleasant things would be exactly the way my db would signal the onset of one of his turns

though to be fair, he would usually be a lot more subtle and hurtful in what he said

gently reminding him of kindly words or kindly hands would have been the ideal way of tipping him over the edge

but most of the time, maybe 29 days out of 30, and even most part of the 30th day, he was a kindly and considerate and gentle little boy

kinda hypocritical you judging posters for judging them when now you are judging the judgers,,,duh duh

If I heard a child of 7 speak like this, I would immediately think additional needs, especially if the parent then ignored the rudeness.

My (nearly) 2 year old DS2 screamed in the supermarket today and an elderly lady put her hands over her ears and gave DH a death stare. Most people just don't 'get' kids.

What is duh duh? Is that supposed to be the sound ill reared people use to mock someone with learning disabilities? Coming from someone who worked with children with SEN? Nice.

Threads like these always have to include at least one poster who believes that because they are a parent to one child with special needs, their experience must be the same as everyone else in that situation and one poster who comes out with a sweeping statement about lazy parents these days, kids being labelled yada yada yada....and then announce they worked with children with special needs (so they obviously must be the fricking dog cojones on all matters involving special needs)

It's the law that there will be these 2 posters on all these sort of threads.

Boywith grow up. Duh 🙄

"Wouldn’t it just be kinder to assume they DO have special needs?"

I'm guessing you mean kinder to the parents of kids with SEN on here rather than the parents she witnessed herself as OP didn't actually say anything? I'm not getting the impression the OP stood there with a face on her, muttering so that the parents could hear, about "such rude kids!". The OP is raising it here for a point of discussion.

I don't think it helps society or anyone to think every time they witness bad behaviour to think it's got to be SEN. It could be SEN, but probabilities are that the child may also be just pushing boundaries as part of neurotypical development.

It breaks my heart a little that parts of society is automatically seeing SEN kids as problems, that they can't be helped to behave as it's their SEN making them that way, rather than knowing that with support the child with SEN doesn't automatically mean badly behaved. I'm possibly just not expressing myself very well, but for example SEN schools still have behavioural policies because they know SEN kids are still kids, that good behaviour has to be promoted and encouraged amongst ALL kids, and that SEN may give the reason for some behaviour but it doesn't excuse it and that steps need to be taken to minimise future behavioural issues for the safety and welfare of all.

It’s the “or else”, which gets me. My dd doesn’t know these words. They were ones used by my authoritarian parents to signify behave in this way “or else” you’re going to be hit. I’m not saying this is how the parents have used the words to the children. Just it stands out for me.

If your lived experience is of NT children then it would be fairly hard not to judge sometimes. I think the question “what would you do?” Is a great one to ask yourself though if you find your judgy pants hoiked. I know with my own dd I will have in my head how I would react and then the real life scenario doesn’t play out that way. And we all know we have seen parents seeming to lose it and kids screaming - more judging. Those parents just chose a different way of responding than ignoring.

In teaching we sometimes selectively ignore. So we aren’t actually ignoring but rather storing it away to address later when it is likely to be better received. What matters is not the response of watching adults but the impact your intervention has on the child in the long term

I wouldn't have spoken that way to my parents, and my children wouldn't speak that way to me. One of my children has SEN, too. I know I'll get slated for being judgy but in all honesty I do have friends whose children are rude and badly behaved as a result of the way they parent. They tolerate an incredible level of rudeness that I just don't, and I don't think they do their kids any favours.

I mean kinder to humanity!

I agree yes people with disabilities are viewed as a problem. Which is why a bit of tolerance goes a long way.

No not all people with disabilities are badly behaved nor does it mean they can never behave.

Yes it gives a reason doesn’t excuse it. On lookers have no idea what strategies the parents might be trying and ignoring might be one. On lookers have no idea of what skills that child might be being taught, capable of using at the present time etc, etc.

Yes special schools have behaviour policies. They also make ‘reasonable adjustments’, children have EHCP’s and provide strategies to enable children to cope etc, etc. Cannot be compared to a day out.

If mine had spoken like this I would have rammed the candy floss in the bin, hissed "don't you DARE speak to me like that" and we would have gone home. With weeping and recriminations on the way.
And some people would have judged me as a horrible old bag.

On lookers have no idea what strategies the parents might be trying and ignoring might be one.

Fair point @Shedmicehugh.

And I do have a child with additional needs who is not going to grow up without manners. His life will be hard enough - if I can help him behave with a few manners and graces then I will.

Special schools have a controlled environment that is geared up to the child's needs and multiple staff on hand to help deal with any difficulties.

Maybe the adults weren't listening to them. Maybe the adults were wondering why someone was watching their purchases at the stalls and then studying their behaviour with their DCs . . .

YANBU. At best it's lazy parenting.

My daughter spoke to me like dirt today. She is 7. I was out with friends and totally embarrassed. She had no respect. I quietly spoke to her and asked her to think about her behaviour while we were out, giving her both barrels once home.
I couldn't give a shit if some know it all tutted at me.
She does have an attitude sometimes and I address it. But most of the time she is a kind, thoughtful, respectful girl. But she gets her own way too much. My husband works away and when the kids were little and I was extremely stressed and exhausted as neither slept, I sometimes gave in too easily to get me through the day. I'm often means she 'expects' and sulks if she doesn't get her own way. So shoot me.

You don't have one clue what the situation is or how they are dealing with it.

I'm sure you felt very smug and superior to them and your children are no less than perfect angels, but some of us live in the r real world.

coffeecup
Why are you so angry?

Agreed that it;s best not to judge. My cousin has ADHD (possibly also mild autism). 95% of the time he's mild mannered and just a wonderful, kind boy. Very occasionally things will all get a bit much and he'll be really moody and aggressive. Engaging with him only fuels the fire in those moods.

It could be the twins were tired, have ADHD or some other issue, are going through some trauma, maybe they're horribly spoilt, who knows. Sometimes it's best not to judge.

shaw thank you for acknowledging, it’s appreciated. These threads usually evolve into no one listening or taking any comments on board

My son has a disability. He is well mannered and polite. Little to do with my parenting, it’s to do with his unique set of disabilities and how and when they affect him.

He can hold it together in public. At great cost to himself. It affects him in different ways.

When out and about if I see a child/teen/adult

Cross post - hadn’t seen the lazy parenting comment. Wow!