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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH acted like a twat?

138 replies

Confusssed · 05/05/2018 18:20

So, I can't actually remember the last time DH and I had a cross word. Our relationship is very good, still very much in love and life is great. Today started well, DH in a good mood because he loves the sunshine. We sat in the garden chatting and drinking coffee, and decided to walk to our local cafe for lunch. Our DD has just started working at this cafe and our DS fancies working there too, so DH wanted us to go and ask the owner about PT work for DS.

So we started walking to the cafe, and DS and I were chatting about houses we passed, whether we liked them etc. DH was walking in front, and turned round and scolded us for commenting on the house of someone we vaguely know. The chances of anyone actually over hearing DS and I talk was zero btw. We got to the cafe and we said hello to DD, then I had a quick chat with the girl on the till about any work for DS, and she said she would mention it to the manager. All very normal and mundane.

We went to sit down (a worker at the cafe was having their lunch at next table) and the girl went into the back and I overheard her telling the manager about DS. I smiled at DH and all I said was "They're talking about DS". Just four words.

DH gave me a dirty look, and looked pointedly at the cafe worker eating at the next table. Obviously he meant I was being really indiscrete (but I don't think I was?), but I looked at him and was like 'Really? Come on!'

He did no more than get up, flounce out of the cafe and sit outside on a bench leaving DS and I sitting like lemons, we couldn't order food as DH had the cash. We waited a bit, and DS was upset so I went outside and quietly said to DH 'If you're going to tantrum, DS and I are walking home.' DH got up and said 'I'll come too, I'm not sitting on my own'. But he marched off ahead of us.

We got home, and I collected my purse and took DS out for a nice lunch. As we left I told DH 'We're going out for lunch. While you're out, can you try and grow up by about 15 years.' DH ignored me.

DS and I have just got back (we went shopping after lunch) and soon as we walked in, DH put his shoes on and has left in his car. Not a word was spoken. I have no idea where he has gone, and no idea what has brought this on.

DS is disgusted by DH's behaviour, and I'm pretty contemptuous of it too. I do know that DH gets wound up if (for example) we're eating out and I carry on chatting when the waiter comes to clear the table. He thinks we should immediately go silent at these times. So I'm assuming today is connected to this somehow? But it seems such a huge over reaction?

I am genuinely nonplussed about this and don't know how to respond.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/05/2018 18:30

Well none of that's normal behaviour is it!
How often is he like this?

KurriKurri · 05/05/2018 18:30

Well they won;t have heard what you said in the cafe (which was totally innocuous anyway) but they'll definitely have noticed your Dh flounce about like a 2 year old and leave so that you couldn;t order anything. How embarrassing for your DD and your DS if he hopes to get a job there.

So yes your Dh is a twat - but I'm afraid I can't answer the question 'why do some men act like toddlers and embarrass their families' because I don't know - I divorced the one I had who pulled that sort of stunt Grin. I would ignore him until he comes back, and in future I wouldn't go out to cafes with him.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 05/05/2018 18:30

Very odd.
Are you sure there's nothing else to this?
Is it a culmination of things maybe?
Only one way to find out and that's to talk to him.

Original poster
Confusssed · 05/05/2018 18:40

This isn't in character for him. Thinking about it, he's had a very stressful week at work with a lot of worry, but he actually cleverly managed to turn a potential disaster into a real success. So last night and this morning he's been far more cheerful than he's been all week, actually.

I've just texted him saying is there something wrong that he isn't telling me, because this isn't normally him, and that I love him. He just replied saying nothing was wrong and he's just gone to get his car washed. I replied saying I can't believe he flounced out the cafe like that, and that DS was upset. DH hasn't replied Sad

OP posts:
diddl · 05/05/2018 18:40

Idk-he was daft for flouncing, but I'd love to hear his take on it!

I stop talking when the waiter comes over-so that I'm not ignoring them.

If your husband was outside-of course you could have ordered something.

How old is your son that you all trooped down to ask about work for him?

RomeoBunny · 05/05/2018 18:44

How weird your son couldn't ask about work himself.

AnneProtheroe · 05/05/2018 18:45

If your son is old enough to work, he's old enough to do his own application.

BlueNeighbourhood1 · 05/05/2018 18:47

I know I'm going to sound like a total dick here, but why were you speaking to the people in the cafe about a job for your DS?

Surely he should've been talking to the Manager/Staff about it. A parent going in and asking for a job for your children doesn't seem right.

Regardless, I think for some reason your DH has an issue with being overheard and it backfiring on him, can you remember any time this may have happened in the past? The thing with the houses and then in the cafe all insinuates he doesn't want to be overheard by people and thinks it is negative.

Original poster
Confusssed · 05/05/2018 18:49

We just thought to combine the two, have lunch and ask about PT work too. DS is actually very confident and outgoing, I just ended up asking the girl on the till because of the way the conversation developed naturally somehow. While we waited inside the manager came over to chat to DS and I barely said a word. The manager offered him some shifts there and then Smile

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 05/05/2018 18:50

Oh god, he sounds tedious.

However you handled it well.

Mightymucks · 05/05/2018 18:50

Honestly? If I was with someone who was encouraging my child to make comments on the house of people we knew in a way which would be upsetting if overheard I would put a stop to it too.

The other thing he got cross about was also you passing a comment on other people.

I would guess, from what you’ve said, that you have a tendency to pass comment on other people’s possessions, actions etc and he finds this embarrassing, particularly if you are not careful about being overheard.

SunshineAfterRain · 05/05/2018 18:51

Regardless of what was happening, your husband went into your dd's place of work - also your dd's potential place of work-and cause a scene.
If you dd's came into dh's work place and did this it would be a different story I am sure.
Regardless of the fight between you and husband, he owe both children an apology.

NormskiNamechange · 05/05/2018 18:52

Oh honestly - out of the whole OP, all you can comment on is the OP taking her son to the cafe to ask for work?! Hmm

OP, his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to be told to get a grip.

Original poster
Confusssed · 05/05/2018 18:54

Blue neighborhood, I know he can get really self conscious in certain situations. He's quite confident and sociable but would utterly refuse to join in a game of charades or anything like that. He'd actually get shirty if anyone tried to persuade him. So I think it's all somehow tied up with that somehow?

I'm not self conscious at all, and think this somehow bugs him even though I don't think I'm ever indiscrete.

OP posts:
Horsedogbird · 05/05/2018 18:57

Mmm maybe it's just one of those days? We all have them I suppose. My dh has been a pain today and won't communicate with me as to why. Maybe he doesn't even know himself.

diddl · 05/05/2018 19:00

Indiscreet people never think that they are though do they?

I can see it from your husband's pov tbh-not that that excuses hos behaviour of course.

Re the "they're talking about DS"-perhaos he was worried about what you might go on to say?

Although I don't really get why you'd even say it=presumably if you could hear, so could he!

Original poster
Confusssed · 05/05/2018 19:01

Mightymucks, DS and I were actually praising the houses we passed I think. And we were talking quietly enough, we couldn't have been overheard by anyone in those houses as they were set well back from the road. I do think DH sometimes suffers from a level of self conciousness that is out of all proportion to the situation he is in. His Mum is exactly the same actually. I admit I find it irritating about him, and I suppose he must find my relaxed attitude irritating Sad Thinking about it, I think he's actually getting worse as he gets older.

The ironic thing is, if he's drunk he is a massive exhibitionist, far more so than me, and positively courts being the centre of attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusssed · 05/05/2018 19:03

Diddl I only said 'they're talking about DS' to him because I was pleased and thought it was a positive sign iykwim?

OP posts:
QOD · 05/05/2018 19:04

My dh is absolutely paranoid about that sort of thing and I’m a loud gobshite

Original poster
Confusssed · 05/05/2018 19:04

He's just come back. He's ignoring me. I can't be doing with his petulant shit, I'm going to read out in the garden.

OP posts:
ERipley · 05/05/2018 19:05

This is all just so weird. Confused

Original poster
Confusssed · 05/05/2018 19:07

QOD yes, it's like DH is almost paranoid. But I'm really not a loud mouth, or say anything indiscrete, it's just that DH is ridiculously precious about this sort of thing.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 05/05/2018 19:07

You do sound a bit indiscreet. And I don't think it was quite right to go as a kind of family army to try and get your DS a job in a café. And going for lunch and then campaign for a job for your DS. Hmm The whole thing sounds a bit well embarrassing.

WhiteCoyote · 05/05/2018 19:08

He acted completely unreasonably but I can see his point of view about “discreet talk” when out somewhere - a couple of my family members think they’re talking discreetly when the world and it’s dog can hear them. A couple of times they’ve done it in the cafe where I work talking about staff members. Then looked at me like an alien when I asked them not to talk about it there and then.

It sounds like he’s under a lot of stress at the moment, and probably angry that you and ds “sided” against him - again it’s no excuse for his behaviour and I don’t agree with it, but sounds like a culmination of events. Give him some time to cool off and try talking about the problem. Everyone gets to have a bad day.

BlueNeighbourhood1 · 05/05/2018 19:10

There must be something else to this.

I think he sounds like he's embarrassed about what you may say whilst trying to be discreet and how it is interpreted by other people. The comment in the cafe was just odd by you and I don't think there was any reason to say it at all and maybe he was embarrassed and worried the person at the next table would think you were gossiping. If I was him I'd have been worried what may have come next from you or what would've happened should your DS not have got a job.

And if I was your DD I'd be mortified my family came in, had a row and then muscled in on her job to then get your DS a job too. Because jobs are for independence and working with her brother means she will never quite get that.

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