AIBU to think DH acted like a twat?

[Confusssed]

So, I can't actually remember the last time DH and I had a cross word. Our relationship is very good, still very much in love and life is great. Today started well, DH in a good mood because he loves the sunshine. We sat in the garden chatting and drinking coffee, and decided to walk to our local cafe for lunch. Our DD has just started working at this cafe and our DS fancies working there too, so DH wanted us to go and ask the owner about PT work for DS.

So we started walking to the cafe, and DS and I were chatting about houses we passed, whether we liked them etc. DH was walking in front, and turned round and scolded us for commenting on the house of someone we vaguely know. The chances of anyone actually over hearing DS and I talk was zero btw. We got to the cafe and we said hello to DD, then I had a quick chat with the girl on the till about any work for DS, and she said she would mention it to the manager. All very normal and mundane.

We went to sit down (a worker at the cafe was having their lunch at next table) and the girl went into the back and I overheard her telling the manager about DS. I smiled at DH and all I said was "They're talking about DS". Just four words.

DH gave me a dirty look, and looked pointedly at the cafe worker eating at the next table. Obviously he meant I was being really indiscrete (but I don't think I was?), but I looked at him and was like 'Really? Come on!'

He did no more than get up, flounce out of the cafe and sit outside on a bench leaving DS and I sitting like lemons, we couldn't order food as DH had the cash. We waited a bit, and DS was upset so I went outside and quietly said to DH 'If you're going to tantrum, DS and I are walking home.' DH got up and said 'I'll come too, I'm not sitting on my own'. But he marched off ahead of us.

We got home, and I collected my purse and took DS out for a nice lunch. As we left I told DH 'We're going out for lunch. While you're out, can you try and grow up by about 15 years.' DH ignored me.

DS and I have just got back (we went shopping after lunch) and soon as we walked in, DH put his shoes on and has left in his car. Not a word was spoken. I have no idea where he has gone, and no idea what has brought this on.

DS is disgusted by DH's behaviour, and I'm pretty contemptuous of it too. I do know that DH gets wound up if (for example) we're eating out and I carry on chatting when the waiter comes to clear the table. He thinks we should immediately go silent at these times. So I'm assuming today is connected to this somehow? But it seems such a huge over reaction?

I am genuinely nonplussed about this and don't know how to respond.

Hopefully he has gone to see his local mental health team............or he could be at soft play with all the other kids.

Wow......even if something happened still doesnt give him an excuse to act like this. Seems he has an irrational worry about being overheard and being embarrassed. Also sounds like he likes to control conversation.....

Something else has annoyed him

deadgood has perfectly described the dynamic between DH and I but the other way around to you and your DH. I'm so often embarrassed by him in public and he is irritated by my social etiquette paranoia. If several things annoy me I can just over react to one thing and I need time alone to get over it. He has to resolve things instantly which makes everything worse for me.

It seems odd that this would be the only blow up like this. Has nothing like this ever happened before OP?

Mebbe your idea of talking quietly translates as subtle as a fog horn…. On the surface of it, it would look as though your DH is unreasonable but maybe you just waffle on and on, especially if a waiter wants to take an order and are being indiscreet. I just could not help get the sense of you being mighty hard work and bit irritating.

*Bollocks to that.

Why should she patch things up when he's sulking about like a child?*

He's sulking, she's being inflammatory -- they're as bad as one another. Neither are covering themselves with glory here and neither are getting anywhere in terms of convincing one another. But bigger picture - the DH is normally good and reasonable; they normally have a good relationship and this is a fairly trivial issue. One of them needs to be the bigger person and get a bit of perspective here. OP is the one seeking advice, so is the one I directed that advice to - if her DP was posting, I'd be advising him to do the same.

If someone said nice things about my house in my hearing as they walked by, I'd be chuffed. If they said my font lawn looks messy, I wouldn't mind - because it does, we have more daisies than grass. Your DH does need to develop a thicker skin.

And living with a thin-skinned person is such hard work!

Calling someone out on their shitty behavior is not inflammatory - It's not being a doormat.

He's the one who made a fool out of himself and his family and is now punishing them for it by ignoring OP, causing an atmosphere and ruining the weekend.

I can't abide sulkers.

Sounds like some compatibility issues. Only you two know if/how serious. Also sounds like you irritate each other.

I have read the last couple of pages of posts carefully and had a good think. Obviously what I did really grated on him and looking back over many years similar things have happened, though he's never flounced out of anywhere before now.

For what it's worth, I am never rude to waiters I always pause to thank them before continuing what I was saying, but this still seems to make DH intensely uncomfortable which I genuinely don't understand. I don't have a noisy voice or loud manner but I am open and chatty and rarely feel self conscious in any situation, but hope I don't come across as abrasive.

I really think this is about an abnormal level of self conciousness that DH suffers from, but I will try and moderate myself more. But I don't want to end up feeling 'controlled' by him.

Maybe you were being really irritating to him today and just annoyed him because he was having a bad day. It doesn't sound terribly serious.

It can be incredibly draining to spend long periods of time with someone who has to know and follow the correct etiquette for everything and who is paranoid about stuff like being overheard. It can also be almost impossible for them to see any fault in their own behaviour because as long as they are uptight and maintaining proper social etiquette then they are doing the ‘right’ thing. So, so annoying.

It’s got nothing to do with him being over sensitive. Maybe op needs to talk to him and actually let him have a valid point, as everything she’s written about him points to the fact only her opinion matters and he’s 100% wrong. I think I’d throw a strop too if my partner kept steamrolling over my opinion.

How rude making comments on peoples houses by said house.

Oh don't be ridiculous. You did read the part where she said they were saying positive things? And even if they weren't, it is believe, still a free country where you are, where private conversations are allowed.
How prissy.

Nice update OP. Actually I think this whole thread has been uncharacteristically civil for AIBU!
Hope you work it out - if anything, that he can start to communicate a bit better. It sounds like you have a happy family so hope this can be a productive exercise in communication and understanding each other x

Calling someone out on their shitty behavior is not inflammatory - It's not being a doormat.

He's the one who made a fool out of himself and his family and is now punishing them for it by ignoring OP, causing an atmosphere and ruining the weekend.

I'm not getting into who's the bigger embarrassment - the mixed replies make it clear that it's not black or white.

I agree that the DH isn't handling the fall-out well, but nor is the OP - and she has already said that this is out of character behaviour for him. Given that and their otherwise good relationship, BOTH of them would be well advised to cut the other a little slack - stop focusing on who's right or wrong and just move on. Not worth sweating the small stuff.

OP, just read your reply and understand why you have a happy marriage now.

Maybe when he’s calmed down tell him that, but I also think you can ask him in return to discuss things with you civilly instead of stomping off.

If he’s anything like as sensible as you are he’ll be on board.

I love an AIBU where the OP genuinely wants opinions and listens and reflects and takes it onboard. That’s proper adulting that is.

I can't actually remember the last time DH and I had a cross word. Our relationship is very good, still very much in love and life is great.

But then you go on to describe an uptight and flouncy husband, and you say something to him that's pretty mean, really - grow up about 15 years - and then when you texted him to ask if anything was wrong he pretty clearly told you (if you read between the lines AT ALL) that he was getting some space and nothing was wrong - but you still persisted in going on about the flounce and picking at him, and then are surprised when he "ignores you" when he gets home.

I think fault on both sides and weird that you think there are no issues at all in your relationship when you then go on to describe quite a few issues - he's an exhibitionist when drunk, he is self-conscious to the point you feel you'll be "controlled" if you modify your behaviour etc etc.

I'm putting my cards on the table here. From the way OP has explained things I don't think she is being unreasonable at all.
I cant believe how many of you seem to share her husbands displeasure at her and her son commenting on houses as they walked past. It might be a different matter had they been making rude remarks at the top of their voices about the décor or the gardens, but nowhere does she say that this was what they were doing.
Also what's with the criticism about her speaking to someone in the café about the possibility of her son getting a part-time job and her then remarking to her husband in earshot of the manager that they were talking about him. In my neck of the woods where part time jobs are few and far between a helping hand counts for a lot and no one would bat an eyelid or think any the less of the family for what OP did.
Surely the issue here is that OP's husband was in a good mood before he went out and his reaction to what in my view is pretty normal behaviour was completely over the top and far worse than anything OP did.
In OP's shoes I would find it pretty hard to moderate my behaviour to comply with OH's sensitivities. I'm not normally so hard but I really think that on this occasion it was him that lost the plot.
Up until they arrived home I think OP's reaction was excellent, but the comment about him needing to grow up by about 15 years was probably not the best one she made, although understandable in the circumstances, and similarly the reminder about him flouncing out of the café.

He sounds like a monumental bellend to me. Why people are trying to excuse his childish behaviour, who knows

I am quite a private person and hate anyone over hearing my conversations. Even people walking past in the street or talking on the phone.

My ex was so embarrassing though as he swore a lot and had stupid opinions so that made it worse.

I was still like it before him, so maybe your oh is like me. Does not excuse the flouncing and sulking though.

Op I think deadgood's comment is spot on.

I sympathise with you because I think you and he sound very like me and my dh! And sometimes i find him infuriating and come out with outbursts like your grow up comment. Today he annoyed me as we booked a campsite a bit lady's minute and stayed just for a night last night. This morning as it was a nice day I asked the campsite owner if we could leave late. They told me to stay as long as we liked as nobody else was booked on our pitch, and I offered them money but they refused. So I planned a nice day taking the kids to the beach for a couple of hours, then lunch somewhere, come back and let them play on the campsite park while we pack up. But DH was so uncomfortable, asking me several times what I'd said to them and then he kept saying "perhaps we should get back, I don't think we should take the piss too much" and seemed to think I'd made some kind of massive faux pas so I couldn't relax because he couldn't relax. I ended up snapping at him at 2pm that we should just go home. It annoys me that he seems to find me almost a bit embarrassing sometimes, whereas I think I'm just comfortable in my own skin and he has a tendency to over analyse and overthink everything.

So your relationship for so long has been great and never a cross word. Yet he seems in a mood and you find picking at him when he says he just needs some space, perfectly fine? You have made a not so nice comment to him about growing up and have slagged him off on here but only he is in the wrong? And to all the posters saying how horrible he is and childish etc really? Can people not get pissed off, just once and need space to calm down? That’s not childish, I go off on my own even if it’s just upstairs to calm down because it’s tonnes better than a full blown argument that ends up petty, surely?

I agree with others and your DH that your "they're talking about DS!" when there's an employee sitting right there was an odd an indiscreet thing to say. I'd go so far as to say it was rather childish to be honest. Because how's he meant to answer? "Yes, they are, hopefully they will give him a job"? Which could then lead to the nearby employee saying to the manager later oh, these guy's parents were there saying they hope you give him a job', which, frankly would be embarrassing.

Why on earth would it be embarrassing?! 😂. After all, that was one of the reasons they were there.

Having grown up in a small village where part time jobs were only in the local hostelries, I can't see that it would bother me at all, whether as child, parent, worker or manager. It was perfectly normal for my father to mention to the pub landlord that I'd be back from university on such and such a date and would be looking to pick up some shifts again.